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In your dream.
The words played over and over again in Noelle’s ears, cutting through the howling of the wind, the ticking of the clock, the ambient sounds of the night. That sinister, oddly distant voice. The voice that had been coming out of Kris’s mouth for the past few days, so different from the one she knew. She couldn’t get it out of her head.
Countless times she had tried to convince herself that there must be some reasonable explanation. Maybe Kris just had a cold? Maybe it was a quirk of human puberty?
It didn’t make a difference what she thought. She had already been lying here in bed for what felt like hours, shaking like a leaf. The memory of that voice had not stopped taunting her.
Nor had the flashes of white…
She could see it again every time she closed her eyes. Snow, everywhere. Bright and blinding.
It reminded her of… no, she couldn’t quite pinpoint it, not in this shivering, sleep-deprived state. It was like trying to recall a memory that had been forcibly carved out of her brain with a knife. Trying to access a file that had been deleted.
All she knew was that it was something from her dream. Something that was a blur, something that caused her to seize up and start panicking when she tried to think about it too hard, something that made her head hurt like crazy…
Even through all this, perhaps she might have been able to sleep, if it wasn’t for… that.
The thorn stuck in her finger.
Of course she had tried to take it out. That was the first thing she had done as soon as she got home that evening.
And yet she couldn’t. There was no reason – she simply couldn’t. There was a horrible crushing sensation in her finger, her entire hand stinging so badly from it, like it was caught in some medieval torture device that was pumping poison straight into her veins. The pain was more than enough to stop her falling asleep.
The idea of touching that thorn, any more than she already was, even to remove it… it repulsed her so much that she couldn’t bring herself to look at it, let alone hold it with her fingers.
It was just a thorn. Why did it hurt this much? Why did it scare her like this? The dream wasn’t real, it was just a dream, just a dream…
But…
…what if…?
As she tossed and turned, her bare wrist brushed the covers. The wrist where she usually wore her watch. The watch… the watch that… Kris…
No. It wasn’t real. There had to be some kind of mistake. It was impossible! Something that happened in a dream couldn’t have also happened in real life, no matter what Kris said!
Anyway, the watch had been stuck for ages, it no longer told her the time. What was the point in dwelling on it? It shouldn’t matter anymore. Kris could have it if they wanted.
How long had she been trying to get to sleep for, anyway? She lifted her eyes to the wall clock in her room, hanging just above her bed. Even in the dark, there was usually just enough light to tell the time. Usually.
Her vision swam. The hands on the clock were wobbling, rearranging themselves, glittering in stray flecks of light from the tinsel on the walls.
It wasn’t that late… it couldn’t be past midnight already… no, she was seeing things. She had to be! It couldn’t be that time – the same time as her watch–!
Icy cold hands were winding their way around her neck, suffocating her. Burying her in the snow. Flashes of white. It was happening again.
She couldn’t breathe.
-
Somehow, before she knew it, she had stumbled out onto the porch. The night air was cool and fresh, and she lurched forwards and clung onto the railing, trying to get as much of it into her lungs as she could.
Come on… she was fine! There was no snow here, none at all… deep breath in, deep breath out… deep breath in, deep breath out…
Something grabbed her wrist.
She froze. By her side there was a cough, followed by a quiet voice.
“…N… Noelle?”
That voice – that was…! That was…!!
The effect was instant. It was Kris’s voice, their real, actual, original voice. Not the weird creepy one from recently, but the one from before! The one that she actually wanted!
Even just hearing that much – literally just her name – was enough to give Noelle a spark of hope.
She turned her head to see that Kris was standing there next to her. They were still holding her wrist, giving her an almost sheepish look, lowering their eyes every few seconds – god, it was such normal Kris behaviour. Nothing at all like how they had been recently. It was as if everything had pinged back in an instant.
The sudden wave of relief was so strong it was almost dizzying. Was this real? Was this a dream? No, this had to be real, it had to be…!
“S-Sorry for taking your watch, Noelle…” Kris’s voice was feeble, barely audible. “…It was just a stupid prank… Berdly is going to get better…”
Noelle barely listened to the words. It was the sound of the voice she was paying attention to, not the substance. For the first time in what seemed like an eternity, it felt real. Tangible, analogue, physical. Almost like she could reach out and touch it.
Tears sprung to her eyes. She stared at Kris, taking in every detail she could see in the dark. Their messy hair, their creepy red eyes…
It had been forever. She had missed her friend so much. She hadn’t even realised how much she just needed to hear them speak to her like this…! Was it true? Was Kris really back?
They were apologising again. Apologising for pushing a prank too far, for taking her watch, for acting weird, for… Berdly…
For the briefest moment, hearing Berdly’s name made her tense up. Something about Berdly… something deep in her memories, those missing memories she couldn’t unearth…
But it was gone again in a second, when Kris took off the watch they were wearing. Still muttering apologies under their breath, they put it back on Noelle’s wrist.
Back where it belonged.
A vague recollection was stirring. She swore she could remember somewhere, Kris taking her watch away from her… yet that time it had been so cold and mechanical, so unfeeling, so uncaring. Whereas this time Kris’s hands were trembling, their movements so stiff and awkward but just so Kris.
They cared. Clearly. In their weird, unusual, off-putting way.
“Sorry for being weird at the hospital, Noelle… it was a prank… just a prank… Berdly will get better, he… he will…”
They were repeating it in their mumbling, deadpan way, almost like they were trying to convince themself. Their voice was shaky and weak, their eyes anxious and shifty. Here in the dead of night, seeing them like this… was something wrong?
Obviously there was. But right now, at this very moment, Noelle desperately wanted to believe them. So desperately that she didn’t care how ridiculous it was. For now at least, she could feel better. She could choose to believe that it was somehow all a prank, a cruel, horrible prank that Kris felt bad for, and Berdly would be fine…
She was too grateful for Kris being back. Her friend, her close friend she hadn’t been herself with in so long…! She needed this! They both needed this! She had been so worried, so scared – none of the rest of it mattered! What mattered was that Kris was back! The real Kris! Her Kris!
Oh great, now she was about to cry…
She sniffed and hastily wiped away an oncoming tear. Her heart and her brain were fighting each other. The urge to just grab Kris and hug them tight so they didn’t slip away again… no, she couldn’t do that! Not yet, at least. Perhaps a bit later. She wanted to, though. It had been a long time since she had hugged them.
Kris suddenly stepped closer to her. Her breath constricted.
It flashed before her eyes in a millisecond. Her dream… Kris being close to her, something about lightning, something about that word… ‘proceed’…
But Kris gently took her hand in theirs, and her fears fell away again. This was nothing like her dream. It was the opposite, in fact… this was comforting.
Kris’s hands were trembling. What were they doing? Part of Noelle wished they would fully wrap her hands up inside theirs and warm her up a bit, considering how frozen she still was. Kris’s fingers were cold too, especially the tips, but their palms were warm. Pleasantly warm.
They looked down at her hand, hair falling across their face and obscuring their expression. Slowly, carefully, with the softest touch, full of concentration…
They pulled the thorn out of her finger.
The thorn…
…was that…?
Wisps of memories flew past her. They had put a ring on her, and the pain, oh, the pain… like needles digging into her skin…
That pain was dissipating now, though. Quicker than she had thought was possible.
The thorn was out. Her head was clearing. Almost instantly, her vision was settling, her breathing steadying. Now that the constant pain was gone, everything grew more lucid. The world took on more definition.
If anything, it was like waking up from a nightmare.
All that, from a little thorn…?
A trickle of blood was running out from her finger and seeping into her fur, but Kris quickly wiped it with their sleeve. They kept the fabric pressed over the spot to prevent it from bleeding more.
For once, a much older memory surfaced in Noelle’s mind, one that didn’t terrify her. She recalled the time when the two of them were kids, and she got a papercut while reading a textbook… she had told Kris about what she learnt in the book, that enzymes in human saliva can help treat minor wounds, and so Kris had grabbed her hand and stuck her finger in their mouth to freak her out until Dess had run in and told them off…
Come on, why was she thinking about that right now? It was so silly…!
From looking at Kris’s face and seeing their cheeks redden slightly, it was clear that they remembered it too. Maybe both of them were silly. Kris had always been quite the weirdo, after all. They were known for it.
But that was what she wanted… that was exactly what was making her feel better. Everything had suddenly become normal between them again, just the way things used to be.
All the other stuff really was a bad dream. It had to be. It was all so far away, so unreal.
The real Kris was right here with her. This was real. The difference was so stark, there was no point even comparing it. No point thinking about that horrible dream any longer. Everything was going to be okay. It was a stupid prank… Berdly would get better…
She lifted her hand slightly towards Kris’s face, trying to give them the hint, telling them that she didn’t mind if they… did that old thing again.
If they wanted to, of course. For old times’ sake. For the ridiculousness, the craziness that she needed, the reminder that her old friend was still there.
Kris paused, eyes resting on her hand. Noelle couldn’t help but notice that their fingers were warming up significantly, more than usual for furless human skin. Were they… considering it…?
They suddenly tightened their grip on her hand and stepped closer to her, making her jump. “Noelle… I have something to tell you…”
Ahh, they had said her name again…! After the awful day she’d had, it was like piano music to her ears. She loved hearing them say it. It soothed something deep in her heart, reassuring her that things would be fine.
“Next time I see you, don’t say anything about this. Because…” They leaned in closer, voice barely above a whisper. “…it’ll get heard.”
Heard? What did that mean?
They were shaking a lot more now, seemingly terrified out of their wits. Was that why they were gripping her so hard? Something must have really spooked them to put them in this state. From close up Noelle could see that they had bags under their eyes, their pupils were quivering, their face had a sheen of cold sweat covering it.
Whatever it was that was scaring them, whatever they were talking about, Noelle couldn’t even begin to figure it out. Right now it didn’t matter, anyway.
What mattered was that she was feeling a lot better now, with Kris there with her. The two of them could take on anything together.
Because she was… stronger.
Stronger…
That word, something about that word…
Her stomach shifted and churned, tying itself into knots. It made her want to throw up.
And yet, on the other hand…
Why was something about that word so… intoxicating?
The feeling of getting stronger… of being stronger… of being capable, doing things, working together with Kris…
What even had happened in that dream? She still didn’t want to think about it of course, it had been a nightmare, one so bad she didn’t dare to delve back in, but…
For a moment she couldn’t stop herself from wondering – it couldn’t have been all bad, could it?
Because the adrenaline rush she was getting right now certainly didn’t feel bad. Neither did the sense of déjà vu accompanying it. This sensation... getting stronger…
That was from her dream, too. And… well, that part wasn’t so bad.
Especially with Kris here with her now, the real Kris…
She moved her hand right up to their face, but Kris’s own fingers cupping her hand blocked the way, forming a barrier between them.
Why did they look so worried? For some reason Noelle got the distinct impression that Kris was trying to protect her, though from what, she had no idea. She wanted to ask them…
No sound came out. At the most, she could barely just croak out their name.
“K…Kris…”
Now they were looking away from her again. What did they think, hearing her say their name? Did it feel comforting? Reassuring? The same way she felt? She didn’t want them to be scared.
Next time I see you, don’t say anything about this. Because it’ll get heard.
By who? Maybe it was better not to probe too deeply. She couldn’t bring herself to ruin this moment of respite for both of them, this interlude amidst the chaos. All she wanted was to enjoy this, pretending that nothing was wrong for a while. Just a harmless, silly prank. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Kris suddenly hunched over a little, letting go of her with one hand and clutching their chest. They were sucking in air through their teeth, highly uncomfortable. Were they having chest pains or something?
A moment later they seemed to calm down somewhat, though they still kept a hold on their chest. “I-It’s nothing… sorry, Noelle…”
Again…! Just hearing her name spiked adrenaline through her system, stronger than the last. Why on earth was Kris having such an effect on her?! It COULDN’T have been the dream, right? Anyway, nothing that happened in the dream was real! She had already told herself that! Already decided to believe it! Everything had just been a weird, coincidental prank!
The dissonance loomed above her, threatening to strike her down.
…She had to believe it. Desperately had to distract her brain, before the illusion shattered and broke her again.
Her one hand was still bleeding. Up by Kris’s face, prevented from touching it. She put her other over the hand on their chest and held onto it, lacing their fingers together.
It was just her and Kris. The two of them. No one else was here. There was nothing to be afraid of. Kris was back to normal.
See? Nothing bad was happening. Nothing bad was going to happen.
Kris was looking at her again, blushing ever so faintly under their deathly pallor.
It hit something in Noelle’s brain. She wanted them to stay here with her – suddenly, just – just really wanted them here–!
She leaned in close. It was an impulse – she wasn’t even sure what she was going to do.
For a second Kris hesitated, staring at her with their flushed face. But then they gulped and took a step back, letting go of her completely and dropping their eyes to the ground.
“I have to go.”
What? Why? She managed to clear the dust from her throat and push her voice out. “Wait… Kris…!”
“See you tomorrow, Noelle,” they said shakily, before turning around and taking their leave.
She watched them walk off into the darkness, turbulent emotions continuing to spin through her, especially that final mention of her name. If only she could hear them say it again, on repeat, Noelle, Noelle, Noelle, Noelle…!
It was so cold and lonely suddenly, without the warmth of their hands, or their voice, or looking at their face, or…
-
She didn’t know how long she spent standing there. Even after she finally pulled herself away and traipsed back to bed, she couldn’t stop thinking about what had just happened.
She had to talk to Kris again and get answers. Next time she wouldn’t be so paralysed by fear and pain, standing there like an idiot and not saying anything. No, next time she had to actually get to the bottom of this. Figure it out.
Kris was obviously suffering, just like she had been. And since they had gone out of their way to help her and reassure her, wasn’t it only fair for her to repay the favour…?
She was stronger now. Whatever it was, she could help them. They were a team. Maybe she could even save them.
Of course, she would have to make sure their next conversation would be somewhere that they wouldn’t get ‘heard’, so that Kris could talk to her openly without their paranoia inhibiting them.
Somewhere private. Alone. Just the two of them.
Perhaps she would have something to tell them too, something to ask them… something else.
What was it with these words? Stronger. Something else. Proceed.
Dreams. Snow. Darkness. Berdly.
She looked up at the clock. It was the same time as her watch, the watch that was back on her wrist.
Tomorrow… yes, she would talk to Kris again tomorrow. This time, she would be ready.