Archive of Our Own ^beta

"Who's this about?"

Sunggyu looks up from his guitar. He's still not all that good with it—Minju and the others in the band always laugh at how it takes him hours and hours of practice before every performance—but he's trying.

"I mean this," Minju says, waving a sheet with the lyrics of Sunggyu's new song on it, the one they're going to perform today for the first time. "I'm impressed, you know. When I first started reading it, I thought it'd be something kinky—"

"Kinky?"

"—what with all those mentions of hands and stuff, but it's surprisingly deep. Touching, really. So, who was the inspiration?"

Sunggyu gives her a look. "Why does everyone think I'm a sex-crazed beast or something? And anyway, you already know who it is about."

"Oh—him?"

"Who else?"

She rolls her eyes. "Of course. I should have known, really."

Sunggyu smiles.

Sunggyu is often complimented about his hands. He agrees with it, too: he does have nice hands—among other things. But there's one pair of hands he likes even more than his own. More than he could ever like anyone's, he suspects.

The first time he saw those hands, they were gripping his tightly, almost startling him.

"My name is Lee Sungyeol! Nice to meet you!"

Sunggyu looked blankly at the guy in front of him. Tall, skinny, a goofy grin on his face. He wondered what he was even doing here. The group had just been about to debut, why did they have to add a new member now, of all times?

Sunggyu's wonder only increased as the days went by and it became more and more obvious that Sungyeol just wasn't cut out for the job. He had no experience with either dancing or singing, and it showed. He had a pretty-ish face that could have been handsome with the right styling, but didn't they already have Myungsoo and Sungjong? Sunggyu had heard that Sungyeol was an actor before, but he didn't see how that would help him as a member of a musical idol group.

Sungyeol's personality might have been good for variety, Sunggyu could hand him that, but in a way, it was too good. Sungyeol was a right clown, always joking and playing around, talking and laughing and screaming. There was no seriousness about him, at all. He also had the shortest temper Sunggyu had ever seen, and seemed to have a problem with authority figures. Sunggyu had expected him to be humble and meek as the new addition to the team, but a few weeks after his arrival Sunggyu had already lost count of how many times Sungyeol had gotten in trouble for disrespecting one of the managers or arguing with the older trainees, like age didn't matter to him at all.

Sungyeol himself seemed to have realised that idol life might not be for him, because after the first few days his gummy smile had slowly faded away, replaced by a constant frown, or a bored, almost lifeless expression. Sunggyu wasn't surprised. Being added to a soon-to-debut group must not be easy, especially for someone as untrained as Sungyeol was.

But then why was he still there? Sunggyu didn't understand it. If he had been in Sungyeol's place, he would probably have left after the first week. Sungyeol himself had been on the brink of it many times before, Sunggyu coming back to the dorms to see Sungyeol's stuff in the hall, already packed, as if he was going to leave any time. But when he woke up the next day the stuff was back in Sungyeol's room, and Sungyeol hadn't left.

Sungyeol's hands were sunk in his hair, holding his head, when Sunggyu came back to the dorms that day, exhausted. Sunggyu blinked when he saw him, shoulders hunched and head downcast as he sat dejectedly on the floor. He looked around the room. It was dead quiet, and no one seemed to be around. Sunggyu was very tempted to simply walk on to his room and collapse on the bed like he'd wanted to do all along, but the sight of Sungyeol like that was too pitiful to be ignored, even for someone like him.

"Yah, what did you do this time?"

Sungyeol ignored him.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, kid—"

"I know," Sungyeol snapped, finally looking up at him with that glare of his. Sunggyu blinked, still unused to being talked to so casually by a newbie (and someone younger than him, too). "Why are you even bothering?"

"What?"

"Don't pretend that you care. You'd be glad to see me gone—you, and the others. Don't think I haven't heard you talk."

Sunggyu felt guilty, although he didn't think he had any reason to be. Of course they'd talked behind Sungyeol's back at first, had wished that he would just quit, or that he had never joined the group at all. They had been so close to debuting before, and now their debut date had been pushed back yet again because of him. Sunggyu knew for a fact that many of the others had already changed their mind: Sungjong, also a relatively new addition, seemed to rather like Sungyeol, and Myungsoo had somehow gotten over his initial dislike of him, and was now almost constantly attached to Sungyeol's hip.

"Not that I blame you," Sungyeol continued before Sunggyu had the chance to say anything. "There's clearly no place for me here. I don't know why I'm still here, to be honest."

He let his head drop again. Sunggyu just looked at him.

"So what?"

Sungyeol looked up. "Uh?"

"Why are you still here? If you really think there's no place for you, that you should leave, then go. No one is stopping you."

Sungyeol's expression hardened. "You think it's that easy… ? I wouldn't be here if I had a choice. It's not like I ever wanted to be an idol. You've seen my singing and dancing—I'm mediocre, at best. But… this is the next best thing. I used to be in SM before, but—they kicked me out, and Woollim was the only place that would still take me—"

"So what?" Sunggyu said again. "Do you expect me to feel sorry for you or something?"

"What—"

"You're acting like a victim here, but you're no victim, Sungyeol. Everything you did, you caused yourself. You got yourself kicked out of SM, you auditioned for Woollim, you did whatever you did to put yourself in this situation right now. You have no one to blame but yourself."

Sungyeol was staring at him. "You… You are a right asshole, you know that? Either that, or… or you must really hate me."

"I don't hate you," Sunggyu said, and he meant it. Sure, he wasn't all that crazy about Sungyeol, but he didn't hate him. He hated Woohyun, with his bravado and his delusion that he was a better singer than Sunggyu (as if), but to Sungyeol, he was mostly indifferent. "I just think that instead of crying over yourself and make excuses, you might take responsibility for your own actions. If you hate being here so much, then leave. If you want to stay, follow the rules instead of causing trouble wherever you go. That's all."

He turned around and went to his room.

When Sungyeol didn't show up for dance practice the next day, Sunggyu thought that was it. The kid had left. But then when he came back home that night there Sungyeol was, having dinner with the others.

"He did what?" he exclaimed when Hoya told him about it. Apparently, the day after they had had that talk Sungyeol had gone to the manager hyung he had argued with and apologised. It was the talk of the company at the moment.

"He said he's going to behave from now on, that he won't cause any more trouble or something," Hoya said.

And to everyone's surprise, he actually didn't. He was still Sungyeol, of course—which meant unmanageable and crazy and frustrating—but he never got into trouble the way he had before, not to the point of risking being kicked out altogether.

Sungyeol's presence had been uncertain until then, but it now became clear that he was here to stay.

Sunggyu didn't really see Sungyeol's hands for a long time after that. Or better, he didn't look at them. They were always there really, just within his reach, but he was too blind to see.

Infinite debuted, struggled to success, finally attained recognition. Sunggyu has many precious memories of those years, but very few of them actually contain Sungyeol, even though they spent their days side by side. He was like someone at the edge of a picture, out of focus and almost left out altogether.

Thinking back now, Sunggyu realises there were many times when Sungyeol's hands reached out to him. They were performing at a concert once, and Myungsoo was hugging him, as usual. Sunggyu just let him—no, he even hugged him back. Sunggyu didn't normally like skinship, but with Myungsoo, he just couldn't say no. It was adorable, how viscerally he seemed to crave human contact, almost like a child, even though he was only a few years younger than him.

"Hyung—"

Sungyeol was suddenly there, behind Myungsoo. He opened his arms like Myungsoo had done before, as if to ask for a hug, but Sunggyu simply reached out and patted his back. Sungyeol just laughed it off—but now, Sunggyu wonders.

"This is something that I would like to know as well."

"Uh?"

"Apart from being tall, what is your strength?"

Sunggyu's gaze fell on Sungyeol's hands as he asked the question. He was fidgeting, but Sunggyu didn't think much of it. Sungyeol was always restless after all, always moving around and doing things and stuff.

"Hyung, why are you like that with Sungyeol?" Dongwoo asked him a few days later.

"What do you mean... ?"

"When you asked him about his strengths, back in Jeju. I swear it's not the first time."

Sunggyu blinked. He had pretty much forgotten about the whole thing already, and even if he hadn't, he honestly wouldn't have thought it was something worth discussing. He was just joking, like he always did. Sungyeol, everyone knew that.

"Well, what about it?"

"You really shouldn't say that kind of stuff to him, hyung. Sungyeol is already pretty insecure as he is, he doesn't need someone to joke about it, too."

"What?" Sunggyu almost laughed. "What are you even making such a fuss about? I was just joking. We all make fun of each other all the time. Why would Sungyeol be any different?"

Dongwoo simply sighed and didn't say anything more. But Sunggyu still felt bothered. Why was he being reprimanded for something like that? God knew if he wasn't the bottom of everyone's jokes often enough, especially on Weekly Idol. And now Sungyeol was suddenly untouchable simply because he had insecurities? Like he was the only one. He should learn to put up with it like a grown-ass man instead of expecting people to treat him like he was made or glass or something, Sunggyu thought.

He only teased Sungyeol more after that.

Sungyeol's hands were swatting at him, pushing him away, and Sunggyu couldn't take it anymore.

"I'm not doing this," he snapped. "Unless Sungyeol here calms down and stops hitting me every two seconds."

"I am calm," Sungyeol yelled, not sounding calm at all. "It's you who keep breathing down my neck and touching me—"

"That's because it's what we're supposed to do—"

"Alright," the photographer said. "Either you guys work this out, or I'm ending the photoshoot right now. And I'm pretty sure your boss won't be happy to hear about it." He sighed, frustrated. "Seriously, who had the great idea of pairing you two up together?"

Sunggyu wondered, too. He was normally paired up with Woohyun, or sometimes Myungsoo or Sungjong. This was his first time with Sungyeol, and judging from how it was going so far, he hoped it would be the last.

Sungyeol's jaw tightened at the photographer's words, and Sunggyu was 100% sure that Sungyeol was going to keep being unreasonable and they would lose this modelling deal and get in trouble with the CEO later, but then Sungyeol nodded gloomily.

"… OK. Let's do it."

He didn't push Sunggyu away anymore, but he was stiff, hands balled up into fists as Sunggyu hugged him from behind, like the photographer had instructed him to do. It was just as well, because the concept of the photoshoot was Sunggyu hanging all over Sungyeol while he looked "displeased". In a way, his acting couldn't have been better.

Is it because I'm gay? Sunggyu wondered as they took a break and Sungyeol sat as far from him as possible, looking as sulky as before. Maybe Sungyeol thought that he was actually—

"You know this is just work, right?" he told him. "I mean, it's not like I'm doing it because I want to or—"

But to Sunggyu's utter amazement, Sungyeol's scowl only deepened at his words.

(It would all make sense, later.)

Sunggyu doesn't remember when, or why. But at some point, things started going downhill.

He started feeling restless, like something was wrong—what, exactly, he didn't know. He still doesn't. Back then, things were going as well as could be: Infinite were doing well, he had had his first solo album and it had done well; his family was healthy, he was healthy—

But then why did he keep waking up in the middle of the night, heart beating loudly in his chest, a sense of oppression weighing down on him, making it hard to breathe?

His mind started being crowded with doubts.

Was this what he really wanted?

Had it really been a good idea to join Woollim?

Was idol life really for him?

What was he doing with his life, actually?

At first, it was only a momentary thing. The doubts would keep him awake at night, but then he would wake up in the morning feeling as good as new. All those thoughts suddenly seemed small, unimportant in the light of the day. But slowly, the doubts started taking over his life. He kept turning them over and over in his head, no matter where he was or what he was doing, like a wound that kept being reopened, unable to heal.

He now guesses it was bound to happen, sooner or later. He had always had those doubts at the back of his mind, becoming an idol having been more a stroke of luck rather than anything else, an audition given out of desperation and that he had had no hope he would pass; he had simply been too busy to even think about it before. Once things calmed down and started running smoothly, those doubts came out, overwhelming him.

He couldn't handle it. Suddenly, everything seemed uncertain. Wrong. Should he really be here, singing cutesy pop songs in front of a crowd of teenagers? Had he really left his dream for this?

He had always been grateful for everything that idol life had given to him. The chance to make a living out of his singing, to get his voice out there, to travel and meet new people—the other guys, especially, a sort of second family for him. He had always thought that all things considered, being an idol was a good compromise between what he wanted to do and what he could, had to do. But now…

He wondered.

The most logical thing would have been to talk about it to someone. But Sunggyu couldn't. He was terrified. That if he voiced those thoughts out loud, they would become real, although they were already real enough to keep him turning and tossing at night as it was. And anyway, what was the point of talking about it? It's not like he could just up and leave Infinite. He was stuck with idol life, and not just because of the contract. How could he turn his back on the others like that? Infinite were known for their good group dynamics; if a member left, would they survive? The mere doubt made it impossible for Sunggyu to do anything about it. This might not be his dream, but it was the others', and he wasn't going to be the one to destroy it just like that.

And so he did what he always did, the only thing he knew how to do. He drank his worries away. He had always had the tendency to exceed when it came to alcohol, but never like this. Now he began his day with a bottle of soju and ended it with a can of beer. He just wanted to be as out of it as possible, so that he wouldn't be able to think.

The people around him noticed, of course. It would have been hard not to, with how he was drunk 24/7, constantly drinking something or thinking about doing it. He could see the guys giving him worried glances, exchanging looks with each other when they thought Sunggyu wasn't looking. But they never tried to stop him. The way they had set up their relationship, Sunggyu was the one leading, telling them what to do. The others followed, and that was that.

Surprisingly, Sungjong did try, once. He glanced at whatever Sunggyu was drinking at that particular moment, and raised his eyebrows. "Shouldn't you stop with all the drinking, hyung? It's been... kind of getting out of hand lately."

"Shouldn't you stop with all the nosing around?" Sunggyu replied without missing a beat. "It's been getting out of hand—ever since you were born, I suspect."

If the expression on Sungjong's face was anything to go by, Sunggyu was sure the younger wouldn't try again.

Not that he could have managed to do anything. Sunggyu didn't think he could be stopped, not anymore. Things had been getting even worse since he had started drinking. Those few rare moments he was sober, he felt so depressed, woke up in the morning and wanted to go right back to sleep. He needed alcohol—to keep going, to give him energy and a sense of purpose. To soldier on and keep pretending he was fine, the same old reliable leader of Infinite.

Without it, he would crumble.

He was alone in the dorms that day, for a change. With seven guys living in one tiny place, it was a rare occurrence. Sunggyu decided to use the chance to drink to his heart's content, of course.

He bought alcohol for an army, then positioned himself on the couch, in front of the TV, and got started.

An uncertain number of bottles of soju later, he heard someone call out to him.

"Hyung?"

He looked up blearily to see Sungyeol. He was looking—or rather, staring—at him. Oh, of course. Sungyeol was always at home these days, his schedules as few as the times Sunggyu was sober. In a way, it was better him than someone else. Sungyeol at least would leave him alone.

"Hyung," Sungyeol called out again. "What are you doing?"

"What does it look like to you?"

"I–"

"Now go back to your room and stop bothering me."

He turned around towards the TV again, sure that that would be enough to get rid of Sungyeol, like it had been with Sungjong and everyone else. But the next thing he knew, Sungyeol was sitting down on the couch next to him. A hand on his shoulder. "Hyung."

Sunggyu ignored him.

"Hyung… You really need to stop. This has been going on for way too long–"

"I don't what you're talking about."

"Hyung–"

"I think you missed the part where I told you to go back to your room."

"I'm not going to my room. Not when you're like this–"

"Why don't you mind your fucking business, Sungyeol?"

Sungyeol glared at him. "Alright." He got up, and Sunggyu thought he was finally leaving. But then Sungyeol reached over and grabbed the pack of bottles.

"You asked for this, hyung."

Sunggyu looked on in disbelief as Sungyeol went over to the window—

And threw the bottles out.

Sunggyu was immediately to his feet.

"What the fuck are you doing?!"

"What are you doing?" Sungyeol yelled back. "Hyung, you seriously need to stop. This—your drinking—it's not normal—"

"You don't understand!" Sunggyu shouted. "I… I need it, or—"

But he couldn't speak anymore. The nausea had finally hit him, and he crumbled to the floor as he threw up.

"Hyung."

When he woke up, Sungyeol's hand was poking his face, softly.

"Are you awake? Hyung."

Sunggyu groaned. He tried to turn around, away from Sungyeol's hands, but they followed him, poking ceaselessly.

"Hyung, please wake up. You need to drink."

At the word drink, Sunggyu's eyes snapped open, a familiar craving in his stomach. Drink—he needed—

He struggled into a sitting position and snatched the glass Sungyeol was handing out to him.

"The fuck is this?" he groaned after he'd gobbled it down and realised it wasn't soju after all.

"Water," Sungyeol said. "Hyung, you'd better lie down again, or you're going to—"

But Sunggyu was already leaning on his side, throwing up the content of his stomach–or what was left of it, anyway–along with the glass of water he'd just drunk. The spasms were so strong they made his body shake.

"Told you," Sungyeol said.

The next time he woke up, Sungyeol wasn't there. The room was empty–his and Woohyun's room, Sunggyu realised as he looked around. He wondered where Woohyun was.

"He's staying in Myungsoo and Dongwoo hyung's room," Sungyeol told him when he came back with some food later, which Sunggyu rejected right away because his stomach still felt raw from all the throwing up earlier and eating was the last thing he wanted to do right now. "I told him and the others that you caught a virus, and it's contagious. Not that you aren't actually sick–you drunk yourself into a fever, hyung."

That still didn't explain why time passed, and no one showed up. Whenever Sunggyu woke up from the deep slumber he was almost constantly immersed in, he was either alone or, more often than not, Sungyeol was there, at his bedside. No one else. Sunggyu remembered one time he had really caught a fever; in the few days he had been confined to bed he had hardly been on his own, the members constantly stopping by to chat or check on him or something. It had almost been annoying, how they just wouldn't leave him alone. And now there was no trace of them.

He suspected that Sungyeol's "lie" hadn't fooled anyone. If Sunggyu knew the kids, they had guessed the real reason why he was bedridden, and weren't coming to see him on purpose. They knew he wouldn't want to be seen like that, so wasted, so vulnerable.

"I don't like seeing you like this, hyung," Sungyeol said one time. Sunggyu had woken up and started cursing at Sungyeol when the younger said that no, he wasn't going to bring him a glass of soju, or any other alcoholic drink, for that matter. "I... did something happen?"

And to his own amazement, Sunggyu actually told him. About his doubts, the feeling of being trapped. Sungyeol wasn't exactly his idea of a good confidante, but he figured he'd just been looking for a chance to get it off his chest.

Sungyeol listened quietly. "Do you remember what you said to me once, hyung?" he asked once Sunggyu was done.

Sunggyu blinked. What was Sungyeol talking about?

"You probably don't remember, but—it was back when we were still trainees. I got myself into trouble once again, and… you said something to me. That I had to stop making excuses for myself, that I had to take responsibility for my actions. That you wouldn't feel sorry for me."

As Sungyeol spoke, Sunggyu remembered. For some reason, he had never really forgotten about that time either, although he hadn't thought about it for a long time.

"I really hated you for that at first, you know. I thought you were just looking down on me or something. But... you actually helped me a lot. I can see that now. If you hadn't said those things to me, I would have just kept being miserable, thinking that I was in Woollim simply because I had no choice, instead of appreciating the chance I was given."

"And–maybe I'm wrong in saying this, but… I feel like your situation is kind of similar to mine back then—"

"How?" Sunggyu croaked. "There–there's no similarity. I… there's no way out of this for me—"

"But there is, hyung—"

"No, there isn't. How… how can I leave? And even if I could, I—"

I wouldn't, Sunggyu thought. I would never destroy your dream.

"... It's impossible."

"It's not," Sungyeol said. "If being in the group is not what you want, then you should do something about it. Or at least try. You're the one who said that, aren't you? That there's no point in just feeling sorry for yourself and doing nothing. Sure, you might not be able to leave tomorrow, and it might take some time convincing Jungyeop to let you go, but if that's what you really want… We'll find a way, hyung."

We? Since when did Sungyeol have anything to do with this? But Sunggyu didn't say it. Because it was comforting, in a way—that "we" thrown there so carelessly, like it was a given that Sungyeol would do it with him. It made him feel less alone.

But—why did Sungyeol even care? Sunggyu might have understood Sungyeol throwing the bottles of soju out of the window—that fit right into his idea of Sungyeol as someone impulsive and reckless—but what he had done afterwards, taking care of him and listening to him… Why was he even doing it?

The question slipped past his lips once, almost as a provocation rather than anything else. He was expecting Sungyeol to simply glare at him or ignore him or get up and go, leaving him to his own devices (which he should probably have done all along), but to his surprise, Sungyeol's reaction was to look away, hands fiddling in his lap. He suddenly looked flustered. "Oh, that… w-well, if… if you really want to know… "

Sunggyu blinked. What...?

"I… I kind of like you, hyung."

What?!

"It's OK, you don't have to say anything. I… I know you don't feel the same way. We're not even close, and you probably don't even like me much at all. But… since I like you, I… I don't mind doing this."

Sunggyu gaped at him. He didn't know what to say. Not that he would have had a chance to say much of anything, with how Sungyeol scurried right out of the room. When he came back he had brought food, and he and Sunggyu fell right back into the usual banter they had developed these days, with Sungyeol trying to get Sunggyu to eat more than he was willing to, and Sunggyu trying to talk Sungyeol into bringing him soju or beer or anything really.

It was almost like Sungyeol hadn't said anything in the first place. Maybe… maybe Sunggyu had simply imagined it? It had felt real, but yet again, Sunggyu's mind was still somewhat clouded by all the alcohol he had downed before he collapsed, although it felt like he hadn't touched a drop in years.

Sunggyu decided that that was it. He had just imagined it.

When he finally managed to stand up on his own two feet without wobbling or feeling sick—it had only been three days, he had discovered, much to his amazement because it had felt like he and Sungyeol had spent an eternity holed up in that room—he immediately took a shower, shaved, put on clean clothes. The face that greeted him as he looked in the mirror startled him: he looked older, tired, spent. Something needs to change, he thought as he looked at his forlorn reflection. It was time to take his life into his own hands.

Jungyeop's reaction was better than he had expected—no shouts, no recriminations. He listened to Sunggyu quietly, expression serious.

"Is there something you want? Something more that we can give you?" he said when Sunggyu was done. "Something like, I don't know—more solo gigs, more TV appearances, more lines—"

"What? No, no—that's… that's not it," Sunggyu said, flustered. He honestly couldn't think of anything else Woollim might give him. He already had received so much, a lot more than someone like him might have ever hoped for as an idol. "I just… I feel like I need a change. I… I'm not sure this is the right place for me anymore."

Jungyeop still didn't give in. He kept trying to change Sunggyu's mind, making offers that were increasingly more and more absurd. Sunggyu couldn't help feeling slightly unsettled: how would Jungyeop justify giving Sunggyu so much when some of the members—he briefly thought of Sungyeol—hardly had any schedules at all? He could never accept those offers, not even if he'd wanted to.

"Alright," Jungyeop said at the end. "If you really want to leave, we can't stop you, of course. But… please do think about it carefully. Take your time. Let's say I give you until the end of the contract. If by then you're still set on leaving, we'll let you go, OK?"

Sunggyu nodded. The end of the contract wasn't for another five, six months, but it's not like he had expected something different. He couldn't turn around and leave Woollim just like that. And even if he could, he wouldn't. As much as he wanted to leave, he also needed time to say his goodbyes.

 
"How did it go?" Sungyeol asked him back at the dorms that night. He looked hesitant, almost scared, like he expected to be turned away or ignored or something. Sunggyu felt kind of guilty—what idea did Sungyeol have of him? So to make up for it, he told Sungyeol everything.

"That's great," Sungyeol grinned. "See? It wasn't so hard. We've already found a way out."

Here comes that we again, Sunggyu thought. Not that he minded.

He felt a twinge as he grinned back at Sungyeol. Soon enough, he wouldn't be able to see that gummy smile all that often, if at all.

Some time after that, he gathered the kids in the living room and told them.

"I… I need help."

No one seemed surprised, which confirmed Sunggyu's theory that they'd known all along. They listened quietly, seriously, without making jokes about Sunggyu being an alcoholic or something like that, which he had half expected (I mean, that's what he would have done in their place, after all). From that moment on, they all made sure that Sunggyu was never alone for too long, or near anything containing alcohol at all. It wasn't in an obvious way, either, but more like they were hovering on the edge, keeping an eye on him in case something happened.

Sunggyu was grateful.

Not that he felt liked drinking so much anymore. Once he had faced his problems, the urge to drink himself silly had pretty much disappeared. He still craved alcohol, of course, but he suspected that was more of a physical thing. He had his bad days, but the medicines he took for it made it mostly bearable.

Although, of course…. there was something else he needed to tell the guys, too.

But he couldn't. He just told Dongwoo, knowing that he would listen and nod and smile and be supportive no matter what he actually thought about it, and at the end he added casually, "You can tell the others, if you like." He not-so-secretly wished Dongwoo would, that he would tell them in his place. He knew he was being cowardly, but he wasn't sure he would be able to bear it–the shock and sadness on their faces, or maybe even worse, the indifference.

Some reactions were surprisingly good. Sungjong looked sad, but "as long as Sunggyu hyung is happy, then it's OK." Hoya even hugged him, awkward and unexpected, but Sunggyu appreciated it, knowing how much Hoya disliked physical contact, just like him. "Wish you all the best, hyung," he muttered as they pulled apart, ears red.

Not everyone took it so well, of course.

"You're leaving?"

Sunggyu looked up from his manwha or magazine or whatever he had been reading at the moment. Woohyun was standing there, staring at him.

"Is it true?"

Sunggyu carefully put down the manwha—or magazine, he can't remember now. With Woohyun, he always felt like he was walking on thin ice. They had moved past the stage of hating each other's guts and reached a sort of tentative friendship, but there was always this underground current of hostility and rivalry between, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. It only took the smallest thing to make Sunggyu snap at Woohyun, or to make Woohyun sulk at Sunggyu for days. It was a delicate balance, and Sunggyu didn't want to upset it.

He cleared his throat. "Well… nothing has been decided yet, but–probably–"

"I can't believe it," Woohyun said. "You… you get everything you want, and you still want to leave? What more do you want, huh?"

Sunggyu stared. "What–"

"Oh, don't give me that look. You know very well what I'm talking about. You got your solo only two years after debut, while mine is not even in the talks yet—you always get the most lines, you're the one who gets invited to musicals and variety shows and everything, while I—"

"Wow," Sunggyu said, "That's quite a victim complex we have right here."

"What?"

Sunggyu looked down at his manwha/magazine again. "If that's what you really think, shouldn't you be happy that I'm leaving? You'll finally get to be the one and only main vocal of Infinite, like you've always wanted."

"… Yeah, well, at least once Woollim's princess is gone maybe they'll stop treating me like an underdog or something."

Sunggyu and Woohyun fought often, but they were flimsy fights, nothing like the infamous one they'd had back when they were still trainees. This wasn't like that, either: there was no shouting, no hitting. But in a way, it was worse. It was like they'd suddenly become strangers. They didn't talk, didn't even look at each other. Apart from when they had to act friendly, even flirty in front of the fans, they acted like the other didn't exist. The cold war had started again, and Sunggyu didn't like it one bit. He might not show it well—or at all, he thought as he remembered how Sungyeol acted all jittery around him—but he really cared for Woohyun and the other guys. This was not how he wanted to spent the little time he had left with them.

"I don't think he meant it," Sungyeol said. "That was probably his way of saying he doesn't want you to go."

Sunggyu snorted. "Oh, he meant it all right, trust me. He's probably already gloating at the thought of how many more lines he's going to get now, the little bastard."

"But hyung–do you think he would have gotten so upset if he really didn't care? You know how Woohyun is. He can't say stuff like that directly."

Well–that was true. Sunggyu forgot sometimes, because Woohyun could say such disgustingly greasy things on stage with a straight face, but everyday Woohyun was actually rather reserved, the kind of guy who never talked about his feelings unless he absolutely had to. Maybe Sungyeol was right.

Which was rather a weird thought in itself. This was weird—talking to Sungyeol like this, confiding in him. But in a way, it had come naturally. Sungyeol had been the first one to know Sunggyu wanted to leave, the only one who really knew how sick he had been. And Sungyeol was a surprisingly good listener; although some of his ideas were pretty weird, he mostly gave good advice.

"What about you?" Sunggyu asked, half-joking half-serious. "Aren't you sad I'm leaving?"

Sungyeol gave him a look. "Of course I'm sad. But… I'd rather see you less and see you happy, than see you everyday like–like that."

Sunggyu blinked.

That… that was surprisingly mature. Would he have been able to react like that if one of the members had suddenly decided to leave? Probably not, he thought.

Where had the childish Sungyeol he knew gone to? Or had he been like this all along?

Woohyun wasn't the only one who took it badly.

Sunggyu didn't notice at first. He didn't make it obvious, didn't shout or make scenes or anything. But at one point, Sunggyu started realising that something was missing. It took him a while to realise that that something was a certain cuddly dongsaeng clinging to him, and that said dongsaeng suddenly turned uncharacteristically quiet and gloomy whenever he entered a room, instead of immediately coming and wrapping his limbs around him as usual.

Sunggyu should have known. This was Myungsoo, after all.

One day he finally gathered up the courage and went to his room. Myungsoo simply glanced at him as he walked in, expressionless, before going back to his manwha.

Sunggyu sat down on the bed, next to him. He smiled tentatively. "Someone is angry with me… ?"

Myungsoo didn't even look up, but he pouted even more, so that his lips were pursed as far as they would go. It would have looked ridiculous on anyone else, but on Myungsoo, it just looked cute. Probably because of that face of his, although Sunggyu personally thought Myungsoo was just naturally cute. It had nothing to do with his looks.

"Myungsoo—"

"I heard, you know." Myungsoo was still looking down at his manwha. "From Sungyeol. That… that you're leaving."

Sunggyu swallowed. "Yes."

Myungsoo finally looked up at him, eyes wide and bright with fury like Sunggyu had never seen them. And then he did something Sunggyu would have never expected him to do–he took his manwha and threw it straight at Sunggyu.

Sunggyu blinked as the object hit him. Myungsoo had always been the most dongsaeng-like of all of them, always following Sunggyu around and listening to him well, the only one who really treated him like a proper hyung–

"How can you do that?" Myungsoo yelled. "How can you leave us?"

"Myungsoo—it's nothing to get upset about. Nothing will change. I won't disappear. We will still be able to see each other–"

Myungsoo scoffed. "Do you think I'm stupid? I never see anyone except for you guys—just once or twice a year, at most. Is it going to be the same with you now? Huh?"

Sunggyu sighed. "Myungsoo… I…" I need to think of myself, too. But the words just wouldn't leave his mouth. Not when Myungsoo was like this—

And then Myungsoo was hitting him. It shouldn't have hurt, the fists punching his chest shallow, more of a show than anything–but it did. Maybe because it wasn't Sunggyu's body that was in pain, not really.

"You… you promised! You promised we would be together, the seven of us—until the end—"

Sunggyu made to grab Myungsoo's wrists and push him away, mad–because this might be Myungsoo but there was only so much he could tolerate from someone younger than him—

But then he stopped.

Myungsoo…

He was crying.

"So you're finally doing it, huh?"

Sunggyu blinked. "What?"

He was having dinner with his sister, like they did from time to time now that she lived in Seoul too (although not too often, because Sunggyu might love his sister but he couldn't really stand her for too long. Probably because the two of them were a lot more similar that Sunggyu would have ever cared to admit).

He had just told her about his decision to leave Infinite. He had expected surprise, maybe shock—but not this.

"I mean, it was a long time coming, wasn't it?" she said as she fiddled with her pasta. "You never really fit in among them."

"What?"

"Don't get me wrong, I do like those guys—especially Sungjongie. That kid is such a sweetheart, and smoking hot on top of that. If only he was a little older, I wouldn't mind—"

"Noona—"

"But yeah, as I was saying. They're nice kids and all, but I always thought you deserved more."

Sunggyu looked at her.

"I mean, fame is good and everything, but… that kind of life—constantly having to perform for a public of screaming teenagers, having them follow you around and even break into your place, singing those kind of bland pop songs—"

Sunggyu looked down at his dish. He didn't know why his sister's words bothered him so much. He had thought those same things before, too—they were the reason why he had started thinking about leaving in the first place–but now that he heard them from someone else's mouth, they sounded kind of…

Condescending?

And more importantly, wrong.

Because—

"It's not like that," Sunggyu said. "Not at all. I mean, yes, the fans can be a pain sometimes, and some of them are pretty weird—actually scratch that, deranged is the right word for them–and the way they pair us up with each other is annoying, but—"

But, there were also good things. Lots of them. Like—those times when they had good performances and the fans screamed and cheered and sang all the fanchants (amazing, in Sunggyu's opinion, because even he didn't think he would have been able to remember all of them by heart), and the guys had fun and didn't take it too much to heart if they made a mistake or two (Sunggyu, too), and he and Woohyun sang together instead of against each other, and then they would go backstage, still laughing, and have dinner together and spend the rest of the night drinking and chatting. And then there were great fans, too—the ones who spoke up against the sasaengs, who came to the fansigns and told them how much they admired them, downcast eyes and nervous fingers, those same fans who had defended Sunggyu back when he had had his scandal, even though he had said something wrong and he knew it (he hadn't meant it, really, but he guessed it didn't make much difference in the end) and still those fans had stayed by his side, even though they were girls and had probably been hurt by what he had said. And well, the music might be shit, or just not the kind Sunggyu himself liked, but there were also a few gems—The Chaser, for example, or Hysterie, or one of the new songs they were working on right now, Sunggyu's personal favourite, Going to You—

He realised he had been talking out loud when his sister snapped at him. "OK, OK, I get it, it's all good fun and pink clouds and unicorns. But if you like it so much, then why are you leaving?

Sunggyu blinked.

They'd had one of those good performances—the audience responsive and excited, the guys goofing around and having a good time. Sunggyu caught Woohyun's eye as they sang the high note together, and he smiled, forgetting for a moment that he and Woohyun were supposed to be angry at each other. He regretted it right away, but then Woohyun smiled back. Backstage, later, he sauntered over to Sunggyu and started talking about whatever, as if they had never fought at all.

Just like that, the cold war was over. Sunggyu was relieved. He had stopped being angry at Woohyun a long time ago.

Later, as they lay in the dark of their shared room, they couldn't stop talking, unable to sleep. Maybe it was because of the adrenaline left over from the performance, or because they hadn't talked in a long time, but Sunggyu suspected a lot of it had to do with the fact that he was leaving, like a preparation of sorts. Woohyun kept bringing up episodes from the past, and even as he smiled fondly at them, Sunggyu couldn't help the tightness in his chest.

He thought back to the performance, earlier.

I won't be doing this again. With them.

"Do you remember that time," Woohyun was going again, "when we sang White Confessions together? At the summer concert."

"Of course. And you kept looking at me every two seconds and giving me those disgusting heart eyes—"

"That's–that's because it's what the fans want! You have to admit it's funny how they go screeching the moment we glance at each other. And it's not like you weren't looking back at me the same way!"

"That's because it's what we're supposed to do. It's not like I wanted to do it—"

"Like I want to!"

"Well, you do it all the time."

"You too!"

"What?"

And then they were kicking at each other, playfully, as they laughed.

After the giggles died down, they were quiet for a long time. Sunggyu was pretty sure Woohyun had already fallen asleep–

"Hyung?"

"Mh?"

"You know how I like my voice most of all, right?"

Sunggyu rolled his eyes in the dark. "Of course."

"And how… how I like it best when I can sing by myself, without your annoying nasal voice distracting me in the background—"

"Yah, Nam Woohyun! Are you looking for a fight or—"

"But, you know… when it comes to Infinite songs… I like it best when the two of us sing them together."

Sunggyu was quiet.

"… Hyung?"

"Yeah."

"I… Good luck, you know. With everything."

"Sunggyu—thanks for coming."

"Thank you for inviting me," Sunggyu said as he hugged Jinwoo. He hadn't seen his childhood friend in a while. "The others are here, too?"

"Yeah, of course. Come—I'll introduce them to you."

He and Jinwoo used to be in a band together back in high school. Jinwoo was still playing, in a small but still relatively successful indie band. As soon as he had heard about Sunggyu leaving, he had called him. "Why don't you join us as the vocalist? We really need you. Ours sucks, to be honest."

Sunggyu had laughed. "Thank you for the offer. I'll think about it."

And now here he was. He was going to perform with Jinwoo and his band, as a trial more than anything else, to see if they fit in well together. Sunggyu hadn't sung for a band—an actual band—for a long time; he was eager and nervous at the same time.

The guys in the band were all friendly enough. "So what music do you listen to?" the drummer asked him, as someone would ask your name or where you come from. Sunggyu felt a jolt of excitement. He had missed this–missed people for whom music was everything, just like him. The feeling only increased when he found out that she liked Nell, too, and they got into a discussion about what Nell's best song was. No one in Infinite really liked them—Woohyun always begging him to change to something lighter when Sunggyu put them on in their room, because "it's so gloomy it makes me want to go and jump off a cliff." Dongwoo said they were nice, but that was because "they help me fall asleep, kind of like a lullaby", which was even worse in a way, as if Dongwoo wouldn't fall asleep listening to anything, anyway—

"Sunggyu?"

Sunggyu blinked. He had been spacing out, thinking about those kids again. "I… Uh, sorry, what were you saying?"

The performance later was fun—no, not fun, great. It was liberating, to be able to finally sing the kind of songs he liked the way he liked it, no more freaking Man in Love and embarrassing fanservice with Woohyun and Sungyeol hardly singing into the mic because of his stupid insecurities, as if mumbling like that would make it better–

And shit. He was doing it again.

"So how was it?" Jinwoo asked him afterwards, grinning. He seemed satisfied; Sunggyu knew he had done well. If Sunggyu wanted to join them, he had no doubts they'd take him right away.

"It was great," Sunggyu said, smiling back. Or at least, he tried to. Because even though it had indeed been great, that wasn't all. There was something else, something he had noticed as he glanced back during the performance and saw the guys in the band instead of six idiots dancing behind him.

There was something missing.

It was an old picture—something they'd taken years ago, shortly after their debut. They were all smiling widely, arms thrown around each others' shoulders, even though things had been so tough back then. But looking at the picture now, Sunggyu had no doubt they had been genuinely happy—at least at that moment in time.

They looked so different, so young—Sungyeol and Woohyun still had their chubby cheeks, Sunggyu his ugly haircut, Sungjong was still a delicate, scrawny boy. But in a way, Sunggyu felt like not much hand changed.

He reached out and pressed his thumb over himself until it covered all of him, body and face. Like he had been cut out of the picture.

This is Infinite without me, he thought.

"What are you doing?"

It was the day—the one of the contract renewal—yet the members hadn't left the house yet, hadn't even gotten ready at all. They were all lounging around, still in their pyjamas, as if they were trying to make time, to go at the last possible moment.

It irritated Sunggyu, even as it made him smile.

"Uh?" Hoya looked at him from where he was sprawled on the couch. "What are you talking about, hyung?"

"Don't you have to go the office now? For the contract."

"Oh, that—we can go later. There's no hurry, really–"

"Well, I have something to do later, so let's go now and get it over with."

Hoya looked at him. "You're going to the office too?"

"Isn't that what I said?"

"But… why? You don't need to sign the contract–"

Sunggyu looked away. "Well… I–I might have changed my mind."

"What?"

"I mean… I thought about it, and all things considered–"

But he couldn't talk anymore. Because a certain visual had thrown himself at him, knocking the breath out of him, hugging him so so tightly and refusing let go.

After they'd gone and signed the contract together, the other guys decided they wanted to do something special to celebrate Sunggyu's "return", as they called it.

(As if he had ever really left, Sunggyu thought.)

"Let's cook!" Dongwoo suggested.

Which was clearly a bad idea, because suddenly, everyone wanted to cook. Even those who had never cooked before, like Myungsoo.

"I can make rice," Myungsoo said when the others pointed out how unrealistic it was–because Kim Myungsoo ate, not cooked.

"With the rice cooker," Sungyeol said. "That's not cooking."

"Well, you need a certain talent to add the right amount of water, you know," Hoya said, thinking he was being so clever, but it was just lame and no one laughed, as usual.

"Shouldn't I be the one to cook?" Woohyun said. "I'm the best, after all–"

"That's just your image," Sungjong said. "You can't even make scrambled eggs."

"What–"

"Why don't we have a barbecue?" Sungyeol said, eyes sparkling with excitement.

Sunggyu looked at him. "Here?"

"Well, why not?"

"Sungyeol, you… you can't have a barbecue inside—"

"Then we can go the roof!"

"We don't even have the right equipment—"

"We don't need it. We-we can just get some paper and put it in a box or something and then burn it and put the meat on it, and—"

"I don't think that's doable," Sungjong said. "Or safe."

Sunggyu stared at Sungyeol, suddenly reminded that for all of his newfound maturity, Sungyeol was still… well, Sungyeol. Not that it was a bad thing.

In the end, they fought about it for so long that there was no time left to cook, and they ended up ordering pizza like they had done so many times before.

Not that that stopped the kids from arguing about it.

"Next time, I'm cooking," Woohyun said in between mouthfuls of pizza.

"I am," Hoya said. "No matter which way you look at it, I'm the only one who can cook decently here."

"My rice is the best," Myungsoo mumbled.

"I don't understand why you guys wouldn't let me have a barbecue," Sungyeol said. He hadn't shut up about it since, much to Sunggyu's annoyance—and well, amusement, too. "I mean, I'm pretty sure that if we found a metal box, we could—"

Sunggyu shook his head. These idiots.

How could he have ever thought of leaving them?

"Are you sure, hyung?" Sungyeol whispered to him later. They had been left alone in the living room for a moment as the others cleaned up. "You… you're not doing this for us or anything, right?"

"No," Sunggyu said, although that was a lie, kind of. Of course he was doing this for them—as well. "I… I'm sure. For real this time. This is what I want."

Sungyeol grinned at him, all gums and bright eyes. "Well… that's great. Welcome back, hyung."

Sunggyu grinned back. I'm going to be able to see this smile whenever I want, he thought, and that only made him smile wider. He was already opening his arms, sure that Sungyeol was going to hug him like the others had done before, but then Sungyeol simply reached out and squeezed his shoulder, briefly.

Sunggyu was disappointed.

He started paying more attention to Sungyeol. He remembered what Sungyeol had said that time—or what he thought Sungyeol had said, because that had simply been an alcohol-induced memory, no doubt about it.

We're not even close.

He now realised what Sungyeol had meant. They hardy spent time together when it wasn't a group schedule, hardly ever talked or did anything just the two of them. Sunggyu wondered why. Sungyeol might think Sunggyu didn't particularly like him, but that wasn't the case. He did like Sungyeol, cared for him just as much as he did for the other guys. They were family; almost leaving them had made him realise it all the more. There was no reason for him and Sungyeol not to be close. And yet…

He tried getting closer to Sungeyol, but—it was awkward. Whenever he approached him about something not Infinite-related, Sungyeol would look at him with big, wondering eyes, as if he couldn't understand why Sunggyu would talk to him, why he would want to spend time with him unless he absolutely had to. It made Sunggyu feel guilty, so that in the end, he stopped trying. Just as cowardly as usual, Kim Sunggyu, he told himself.

He suddenly remembered things from the past he hadn't though about for a long time, things he had never given much weight to before, but that made his stomach twist with guilt and shame now. Why had he used to tease Sungyeol so much once? Why had he kept pointing out his insecurities, rejected his attempts at skinship? No wonder they weren't close. He was surprised Sungyeol didn't hate him, now.

And then sometimes those words, the words he knew had just imagined, came back to him. I like you. Sunggyu had already told himself a thousand times before that they weren't real, but—what if they were? He remembered that time they had had that photoshoot together and Sungyeol had been so stiff, jumping a meter high whenever Sunggyu touched him. Could that have been because…

But no, no. That confession was just a figment of his imagination. He had already decided that a long time ago.

(But what if it wasn't?)

He thought about asking Sungyeol about it, sometimes, just to get it out of the way, whatever the truth was. But even if Sungyeol really had said those words, he had never brought it up again afterwards. It was clear he didn't want to talk about it. And say it turned out that Sungyeol did indeed like him—well, what then? What could Sunggyu do about it?

One Great Step gave him the chance he had been looking for. They were all more relaxed when they were abroad, their usual alliances breaking up to let new pairs form. It was easier for Sunggyu to approach Sungyeol, to talk to him. They ended up hanging out just the two of them often enough (and well, Sunggyu might or might not have arranged it all on purpose, but yeah).

Sunggyu realised that while he was caught up in his own personal drama, Sungyeol was having a hard time too. He showed Sunggyu the bald patches one night they were sharing an hotel room (which might or might not have been Sunggyu's doing, too). "I was really worried I would go bald," Sungyeol said, grinning. "I mean, I'm already no visual material or anything, but still–have you ever even heard of a bald idol before?"

But Sunggyu found it hard to joke about it. Probably because he felt guilty. Sungyeol had been going through so much, had been on the brink of depression, yet Sunggyu hadn't done anything for him; he hadn't even noticed. Sungyeol, instead, had reached out to him, helped him—no, dragged him out of his slump. If it hadn't been for Sungyeol throwing the bottles of soju out of the window that day, Sunggyu wasn't sure he would be here now, smiling and singing and OK, more or less. And he was the hyung, here. Incredible.

He felt like a failure.

He really wanted to make it up to him, but he didn't know how. He tried to tell Sungyeol, to ask him to lean on him when he was struggling, but it was hard for Sunggyu to say something like that. Especially to Sungyeol.

"You–you can tell me, you know," he blurted out one time he and Sungyeol were sharing a hotel room again–a mere coincidence, of course. "If… if there's something that's bothering you—"

Sungyeol looked at him, surprised. "Uh? Nothing is bothering me, hyung."

"Yeah, but—I mean—if it ever bothered you—"

Sungyeol frowned. "If what bothered me? What are you talking about?"

"I—oh, whatever, just… forget it."

But as they travelled around the world, exploring places they had never seen before, Sunggyu realised how much fun it was, hanging out with Sungyeol. Of course he already knew Sungyeol was fun, but he had always thought it was a kind of fun that didn't match with him, too loud and unpredictable and over the top. But now, he started seeing things differently. Sungyeol was crazy, sure, but a good kind of crazy—the one that pushed Sunggyu to do things he would have never done otherwise, and that he would have regretted not doing, too–so many great places he wouldn't have visited, so many interesting things he wouldn't have done if Sungyeol hadn't insisted. He brought out a different side of Sunggyu, one that was childish perhaps, but also more lighthearted. It tempered out his hesitant, anxious nature.

And he was good for Sungyeol, too. Because sometimes his craziness really was too much, and if Sunggyu was there he could stop him, bring him back to the land of the sane. And Sungyeol really needed a good dose of shouting and nagging from time to time, someone to tell him that no, he didn't suck, he wasn't ugly, he shouldn't just quit altogether, but keep trying instead. For all of his apparent carefree attitude, Sungyeol's insecurities often threatened to take the better of him, and he really needed a good kick in the ass to snap him out of his self-pity. Sunggyu could provide that, if nothing else.

They were as different as could be, no doubt about that. But in a way, they complemented each other.

Time passed. It no longer seemed so strange, Sunggyu hanging out with Sungyeol, wanting to spend time with him. Sungyeol started relaxing around him, even relying on Sunggyu from time to time, without the elder having to ask him to. Sunggyu was glad.

Because he no longer hung around the younger out of guilt–maybe he never really had. He just liked being around him, he guessed. And before he knew it, he started clinging to Sungyeol. Hugging him. Sitting next to him. Looking for his company, constantly. Complaining if he hung out with someone that wasn't him (especially if that someone was Myungsoo, because Sunggyu knew the younger liked cuddling but he really got way too handsy sometimes).

"Seriously hyung, you should stop acting like a jealous girlfriend," Hoya joked one time Sunggyu had almost thrown a fit because Sungyeol had sat down next to Woohyun in the van—freaking Woohyun, not him.

Hoya's words strangely unsettled him. The stayed with him long after he had given Hoya and earful for it. What girlfriend? Sungyeol was his dongsaeng, he–he just cared about him, it's not like—

Then one time, he heard them talk.

"What did you do to Sunggyu hyung?"

Sunggyu stopped in his tracks. That was Sungjong's voice. They were waiting to perform at some event, and Sunggyu was just going back to the changing room to get something he had forgotten—

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sungyeol said.

"You know what I mean. It's almost like he's glued to you, or something."

"Well, why don't you ask him? He's the one clinging to me. I didn't do anything—"

"Then please do tell me what that nothing you did is, because seriously, I'd die to have Sunggyu hyung at my mercy like that. Imagine all the things I could make him do—"

And OK, that was enough. "What are you talking about behind my back?" Sunggyu said as he walked in. "Mh?"

Sungjong immediately froze. "Uh… it's nothing, hyung! We weren't talking about you–"

"Really. I'm pretty sure I heard the words 'Sunggyu hyung' more than once."

"Uh, well that—how… how long have you been here, exactly?"

Sunggyu glanced at Sungyeol as Sungjong blabbered. He was looking down at his phone, as if Sunggyu's presence didn't bother him at all, as if he hadn't even noticed him. But even with his face downcast like that, Sunggyu could still see that he was blushing, flustered.

Cute, he thought.

And then he froze.

Wait—what?

Since when was Sungyeol cute?

I mean, he was good-looking, sure—even Sunggyu could see that, objectively. But he wasn't Sunggyu's type of handsome (no one in Infinite was, thank god, because Sunggyu was pretty sure that dating within the group would be a whole new kind of nightmare). He might have thought Myungsoo was cute, sometimes, or Sungjong, or even Woohyun, when he was being his normal self instead of acting all cheesy in front of the cameras. But Sungyeol?

Yet, there was no denying that Sungyeol was indeed cute. And not just when he showed his gums when he smiled or when he got all shy and flustered, but in really stupid, unexpected ways—like how seriously he took silly things like playing games with Woohyun or Myungsoo, putting his all into winning as if his life depended on it, how he flailed his arms around when a song that he liked came up in the van, or the way his face scrunched up as he yawned, without covering his mouth of course, showing the back of his throat to the whole world. Even his infamous scowl looked cute these days, or the way he pursed his lips when he complained about something, how he went "Hyung~" when Sunggyu teased him, which perversely only made Sunggyu want to tease him more so that he could hear him beg in that cute way of his—

Oh shit, Sunggyu thought.

And then he had his confirmation.

"Sunggyu—someone's here to see you."

Sunggyu turned around, expecting Myungsoo again or maybe Woohyun or Hoya and well, basically anyone but him.

He stared at Sungyeol. "Oh, you... you came?"

"No," Sungyeol said. "I'm an hologram, hyung. Speaking to you from the other side—"

"Uh?"

"... Just joking. Why do you look so surprised, though? You're the one who asked me to come."

True. He'd called Sungyeol on the phone the other day–he was so busy with the preparations for his second solo album he hardly got to see him these days, now that they lived in different flats—and thrown the invitation at him, almost casually.

"I can't," Sungyeol said right away. "Sorry—"

"Uh? Why?"

"Well, I have something to do on that day—"

"Something to do?" What could possibly be more important than coming to see him on the set of his new music video?

"You sound shocked, hyung. I actually have schedules too sometimes, you know."

Sungyeol had quickly hung up after that. Sunggyu had thought that that was it, he had done it again. He had pissed Sungyeol off with his careless words. There was no way he would come. And yet here he was, right in front of him, all bright and handsome and–

"Here, this is for you."

Sunggyu blinked at the paper cup Sungyeol was handing out to him. "Uh?"

"Coffee," Sungyeol explained. "I stopped at Starbuck's on my way here, so I thought I'd get you some too."

Sunggyu didn't particularly like coffee, but he quickly grabbed the cup out of Sungyeol's grasp and downed it all almost in one sip, scorching his tongue in the process. Sungyeol laughed at him, which Sunggyu would have normally killed him for, but Sungyeol looked really nice when he laughed, so Sunggyu thought he would let him get away with it just this once.

Even after the filming started, he kept glancing at Sungyeol, sitting on the side, looking at his phone or chatting with the staff or just doing his own thing, hardly ever looking in Sunggyu's direction. But still, Sunggyu couldn't help but smile. Sungyeol looked kind of cute with that funny cap that completely covered his hair and most of his face, too, which was a shame in a way because Sunggyu really liked looking at Sungyeol's face–

"Sunggyu!" the director snapped at him for the hundredth time. "You're supposed to look longing, heart-broken, not like a grinning idiot!"

And even though it was completely Sungyeol's fault that Sunggyu kept getting distracted and the shooting ended up taking almost twice as long as it should have, Sungyeol still had the nerve to complain later, as they went back home together.

"That was the most boring music video shooting I've ever been to, hyung," he said. "What are you even doing in it? Just standing around and looking sad? And I swear they were filming your hands more than your face, like—"

Again, Sunggyu would have killed him normally—he wanted to kill him, his hands itching to wrap themselves around that long slender neck, so smooth and pretty—

Sunggyu's trousers felt tight all of a sudden, and he knew.

Fuck.

I like him.

And the realisation should have filled Sunggyu with despair, should have made him curse god or fate or whomever had put Lee Sungyeol on his path, but it didn't. He was just happy. It had been a long time since he had really liked someone–their busy idol life and the threat of being found out (twicefold in his case, since he dated men) always putting him off looking for anyone—and honestly, Sunggyu had missed it. The feeling of elation he got simply by looking at someone, by being around them, the anticipation, the heart flutter. (Although, had he really felt like this before? He remembered crushes, attractions, but never anything like this.) Even the downsides of it—how easily his mood turned sour when Sungyeol wasn't there, the disappointment when he was but wouldn't even look at Sunggyu, and the burning jealousy, the one that made him behave so foolishly, like Sungyeol was his, even though he hadn't confessed yet and didn't even know if Sungyeol felt the same way.

He just liked everything.

He suddenly wished he had never touched a drop of alcohol, so that he could know for sure whether Sungyeol had really said those words back then—although at the same time, he might never have said them at all if Sunggyu hadn't drunk himself sick.

Because he really couldn't tell how Sungyeol felt. It's not like he pushed Sunggyu away when he clung to him, and he always smiled and thanked him when Sunggyu called him handsome or other flattering shit like that, but that was all. He didn't reject Sunggyu's advances, but he didn't accept them, didn't reciprocate, either.

He just... let him.

He started giving Sungyeol hints. But either the younger was really oblivious or Sunggyu was really bad at flirting (honestly, it was probably both). Sungyeol just didn't get it. Sunggyu sat down next to him on purpose, gazing up at him until Sungyeol was forced to look back. All that ever got him was a "Is there something on my face, hyung?" or an amused "What time did you go to sleep last night? You keep spacing out."

I'm not spacing out, Sunggyu thought angrily. I'm looking at you, you idiot.

One time he even went all the way to Sungyeol's favourite café (which was just around the corner, but. Still) and got him his favourite coffee and climbed the stairs all the way to his and the other kids' flat, only for Sungyeol to give him an half-smile, a quickly uttered "thanks" and then proceed to sip on the coffee, his attention already back to his phone.

Sunggyu stared at him.

"Is that all?" he blurted out.

"Uh?"

"Is that all you have to say? Thanks?"

Sungyeol gave him a look. "Well, what do you want me to do?"

What about a kiss? Sunggyu thought. Or—

"Should I kneel down and bow to you? Thank you for the coffee, oh great leader—"

"Idiot," Sunggyu muttered, turning quickly on his heels and almost running out of the flat, because the mental image of Sungyeol getting to his knees was too much for him, and he was wearing skinny jeans today and if he had stayed a second longer Sungyeol might have—

shit shit shit

That day had been so emotional already—Woohyun breaking down, the others crying, too, talking about the hard times they had been going through. And then Sungyeol had to give his speech on top of that, so sweet and genuine and heart-warming, and Sunggyu couldn't keep it in anymore. He hugged Sungyeol, pressing him close to him, as close as he could in front of the fans. He was always looking for excuses to touch Sungyeol these days, but now he really just wanted to show him—that he cared for him, that he appreciated him. Apart from the whole feelings-for-Sungyeol thing he had going on lately, he just wanted him to know that it wasn't how it used to be, not anymore.

Sungyeol wente stiff in his arms. But then, slowly, he hugged him back. And when they pulled apart, he was smiling shyly, eyes looking at the ground.

Cute, Sunggyu thought. No, scratch that—gorgeous.

They kept glancing at each other throughout the rest of the concert, Sungyeol looking away as soon as their eyes met. It was almost frustrating really, because how could anyone be so damn cute?

Backstage afterwards, Sunggyu walked up to Sungyeol. Today was the day. He couldn't wait anymore; he was going to confess, no matter what the result–although from the way Sungyeol had reacted before, he was pretty sure that–

But whenever he tried to approach Sungyeol, the younger found a way to escape before Sunggyu could even open his mouth. He even pushed a clueless Dongwoo between them at one point, so that Sunggyu ended up asking Dongwoo if he wanted to talk, and then snapped at him when the younger asked him what it was. As if he would want to talk to Dongwoo now, of all times!

It was like a game of cat and mouse, and Sunggyu quickly got sick of it. So he just grabbed Sungyeol's arm and physically dragged him out of the room, somewhere where they could be alone.

"Hyung—what—"

"Shut up," Sunggyu said after he had found an empty room, pushed Sungyeol inside and shut the door behind them. "Now I'm going to ask you a question, and you're going to answer honestly. OK?"

"Uh? I—"

"Do you like me, Sungyeol?"

Sungyeol's eyes went wide, so wide they looked like they were going to fall off any time. "W-what—"

"Just answer the freaking question!"

"Why… why would you ask me that?"

Sunggyu's stomach dropped. So… so he really had imagined it all along. His mind was racing, trying to think of a way to justify his question even as he fought the disappointment, when Sungyeol suddenly looked down at his feet, a blush spreading over his cheeks.

"I… I already told you, didn't I… ? How–how could you forget?"

…Oh, Sunggyu thought, a whole set of fireworks going off in his mind, wedding bells and choirs of angels and Nell and all. "So… so it was real?"

"What?"

"I… I didn't forget you know! I just—I wasn't sure it really happened—" then he saw Sungyeol's dumbfounded expression and added, almost as an afterthought, "Oh yeah, I like you too, by the way—"

"W-w-w-w-what—"

But Sungyeol couldn't continue, because Sunggyu was already kissing him. Talking was the last thing he wanted to do right now. They had already wasted enough time.

Suddenly, Sungyeol's hands were everywhere.

Brushing against his not-so-accidentally during group schedules, stroking his hair as Sunggyu lay with his head on his lap, hitting him lightly when Sunggyu tried to flirt and said something stupid, "Is that supposed to be a compliment, hyung?" Or the way Sunggyu liked them best, inside his own hands, fingers interlinked with his, or pressed against his lips as he kissed them.

And, fuck. Why hadn't they done this before?

"… This feels weird."

"… What?" Sunggyu looked at Sungyeol. They were on a date—their first date, although it had already been a while since they had confessed to each other, because their schedules were just so busy and it was hard to make time for something like this. "What do you mean… ?"

"I mean… this—being here with you, holding hands, like—"

Sunggyu glanced at their intertwined hands, a nervous clamp squeezing his stomach. "You… you don't like it?" He loved Sungyeol's hands, loved holding them and caressing them, loved having them pressed against his skin, and so he had reached out to grasp them as soon as they were alone, away from prying eyes. But—maybe Sungyeol didn't—

"No—no, that's not it," Sungyeol said quickly, in that awkward way of his that Sunggyu had seen more and more since he and Sungyeol had started dating, and which he couldn't help but like, like everything else about Sungyeol. "It's just that… "

"What?"

"I… It just doesn't feel real, you know. That… That I'm on a date with you, that you like me back—"

Sunggyu almost swore. Of course that's what it was. Leave it to this insecure idiot to overthink even something as simple as this.

He pulled Sungyeol in for a kiss.

"Idiot," he breathed after they pulled apart. "This is real."

Sungyeol's hands were holding his tight, so that Sunggyu could feel them shivering slightly against his.

"Hyung… I'm ready. Let's do it."

Sunggyu stared. He couldn't believe it. They'd been dating for months now, and they had never done anything more than kiss and touch each other through their clothes. Sunggyu knew that Sungyeol was hesitant—scared even, in a way, because he had never done it with a man before. Sunggyu understood, and was ready to wait for as long as it took (although he might also be kind of sexually frustrated by having the walking gorgeousness that was Lee Sungyeol constantly in front of him and not being able to do anything about it, but oh well). And now… Sungyeol was handing him the chance, just like that.

It felt like a dream, too good to be true.

"A-are you sure… ?"

"Positive," Sungyeol smiled.

Sunggyu covered Sungyeol's hands with his, stroke them. "… You're shivering, you know."

Sungyeol's smile faltered. "O-of course I'm nervous. You… you know this is my first time with—"

"I can wait more," Sunggyu said, even as his dick strained in his trousers, screaming at him that no, he couldn't wait even one second longer, they should just do it right now—

"No," Sungyeol said. "I–I really want to do it, hyung. Now."

Sunggyu swallowed. He brought Sungyeol's hands to his lips and kissed them. "I won't do anything you don't want, you know. I–I'll be gentle—"

"I know. I trust you, hyung."

"We… we can take it slowly—"

"Yeah, well, please don't take it too slowly, or we might still be here next year."

"Yah! How can you joke about this? I-I'm saying it for you–"

"Oh, really, for me. So it's not because you're a sloth that takes 100 years to do anything—"

"Lee Sungyeol—if you say one more word, I'm going to kill you, if that's the last thing I do—"

"I thought you were going to be gentle, hyung—"

Sungyeol's hand was gripping the sheets tightly as Sunggyu's lips traced his body, pressing lightly against the warm, smooth skin. Sunggyu untangled the fingers, gently, and intertwined them with his.

They were still holding hands as they moved against each other, later, and became one.

Sunggyu smiles at the memory.

How long has it been since then? Seven, eight, almost ten years. It's like they passed in the blink of an eye, like it was only yesterday that he first held Sungyeol's hands, that he held him for the first time. Infinite have long disbanded by now—although it doesn't feel like that, not really. They're always over at each other's places, texting and calling and even skyping with each other when they can't meet in person. They still perform together sometimes, too. They might all be doing their own thing right now, but as far as Sunggyu is concerned, Infinite never really ended.

As for Sungyeol—

"You just missed him," Woohyun tells him as soon as he steps into the room. "He left like two minutes ago. He was looking for you, too."

Ah, shit, Sunggyu thinks. He's very tempted to go after Sungyeol, wherever he might be right now, but there's no time. They have to perform in 15 minutes.

The frustration must be evident on his face, because Woohyun looks at him and laughs. "Hyung, you're going to see each other right after the concert. Seriously, you guys have been together for ages and you still act like high school sweethearts."

Sunggyu shrugs. He can't deny it, and it's not like he even wants to. "You're just jealous."

Woohyun snorts. "Trust me, dating either you or that tall idiot is not exactly my idea of happiness."

He turns around, busying himself with something. Although Woohyun has his own band now, he still pops by from time to time, acting like he's Sunggyu's manager or something, although all he ever does is point out Sunggyu's mistakes, how he could have sung a certain part better, or simply brag about his own solo. Sunggyu replies in kind, but he really feels like his and Woohyun's playful rivalry is now just that. He no longer feels that burning desire to prove himself and surpass Woohyun. When Woohyun's latest album exceeded his in terms of sales by a slight margin (which Woohyun had treated like Sunggyu's had flopped and his had won the MAMA or something), he had been surprised by how much he really did not mind. He was just happy for Woohyun, really, that he had finally gotten his chance to shine.

"Still, you know… "

Sunggyu glances at Woohyun's back. "What?"

"Nothing, it's just… it's nice to see you like this, you know—happy. When I think about how it used to be before, I… I don't know, I guess I'm just grateful. For Sungyeol."

Sunggyu smiles. This idiot hasn't changed one bit—he still can't say that kind of thing while looking him in the eye. Although in that, he and Sunggyu are quite similar. And in other things, too.

Sunggyu wonders how he could have ever disliked him.

"Yeah. I'm grateful, too."

Sunggyu feels the nervousness and anticipation curse through him as he waits for the curtain to rise. He can already hear the public beyond it, a familiar loud buzz.

The moment right before the performance is always nerve-wracking, even after all these years, but today it's particularly so. Because this is a first for him–the first time he sings something like this, this heartfelt.

The curtain finally rises, and Sunggyu and the others step on stage, greeted by loud cheers and screams from the crowd. Sunggyu smiles at them as the the others set up the instruments and everything, but the truth is that he's looking for him. As always.

But no matter how much he looks–there's no sight of him, anywhere. What the fuck, Lee Sungyeol? Sunggyu swears that if that idiot dares miss this, he will—

But then he hears it.

Hyung—

It's probably just his imagination–there's no way he could possibly hear Sungyeol's voice over the deafening screams of the crowd, no matter how high Sungyeol can screech when he wants to—but when he turns in that direction, there Sungyeol is, easily standing out for his height—and his beauty, too; Sunggyu has no more qualms about admitting that Sungyeol is beautiful. He's waving at Sunggyu, smiling when their eyes meet.

Sunggyu smiles back.

When everyone's ready, he welcomes the audience and briefly introduces the concert, a simple speech he's prepared beforehand. He thought about saying something about the song, explaining it's about a special someone, but in the end, he decided against it. That's not his style. An he's pretty sure that Sungyeol will understand him, anyway.

He starts singing. Knowing that whenever he glances at that spot, Sungyeol will be there, smiling and waving at him, as always.

Sunggyu doesn't need anything else, really.