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Aziraphale woke up with a start, taking in a gasp of air, before he was able to get his bearings. He was still quite new to sleeping and not used to how disorienting it felt to wake up. Especially when what he saw in his sleep was so unpleasant.
Not that he doesn’t deserve these awful dreams, Aziraphale thought to himself. After all, it’s his own fault he’s having them anyway.
He hears Crowley stir beside him.
Oh dear, he didn’t mean to wake him, Crowley doesn’t deserve to be woken up by issues that are Aziraphale’s own doing.
“Angel, you alright?”
Aziraphale gathered himself, “Oh yes, I’m tip top, I just need a quick drink.” The angel moved to get out of bed, but Crowley caught him by the arm.
“No you’re not, that is not your ‘tip top’ voice. What’s wrong”? Crowley moved to sit himself up more. “Is it nightmares again?”
Of course Crowley would know he was lying, Crowley could always tell when he was upset. Aziraphale settled back into bed. “Yes” he reluctantly responded.
Crowley shifted closer. “Tell me about it? Was it the same one as usual?”
Oh his demon was so kind, he truly did not deserve him. Aziraphale continued on anyway.
“I was in the bookshop, it was the day I left for heaven. You were walking out the door, angry. But I followed you this time. I was trying to reach you, but every time I tried you would just get further and further away. Then we were in heaven, the Metatron had you, and a tub full of holy water. He was forcing you in and I couldn’t do anything about it. I heard you scream in the dream and then I woke up.”
Crowley closed the gap between them, putting his arm around the angel and rubbing soothing patterns into his shoulder. “Angel, that sounds bloody awful. But twas’ just a dream, right? Nothing has happened to me. You’re alright, and I’m alright. Well, unless you count the fact that my foot is asleep, pesky things these corporations”. Crowley tried for a laugh.
“But it’s all my fault isn’t it?” Aziraphale cut in, his voice almost breaking.
Crowley stoped himself from going on a rant about the minor inconveniences of corporations. “What’s your fault Angel?”
“These dreams. I deserve them don’t I? I left you, alone. You were upset and angry, I knew it and I left anyway. I should have tried harder to find another way. What if hell came for you, what if heaven came, and I had no idea? If something had happened to you I don’t know what I..”
Crowley cut him off “Angel, Angel, stop, take a breath, it’s ok. I know you did the best with what you were given in the situation you were in. And sure, I was upset in the moment. But now I know you did what you had to do, because of you the earth is still spinning.”
“But what about all of the hurtful things I said to you”
“Sure, things were said, it did hurt, but I also hurt you. You’re not perfect, but neither am I, and we can take our past mistakes and learn from them. Plus, I already forgave you for that. However, you know what I think you need to do”? Crowley turned towards Aziraphale and took his hand. “You need to forgive yourself.”
“Forgive myself?” Aziraphale repeated. “I’m not quite sure that is something I know how to do.”
“Well then,” Crowley said, “we will just have to go day by day, and I’ll be right here to help you.”
Aziraphale looked at Crowley “thank you. I don’t deserve you.”
“Nope, nope, see, that’s where you’re wrong. Actually, you know what? Here. Step one. Repeat after me: ‘I deserve good things’.
“Crowley, I don’t know if I ca..”
“Nope, you can do it, just four words.”
Aziraphale took a breath and closed his eyes, “I deserve good things.”
“There you go! Good job Angel!”
Aziraphale opened his eyes, “I’m not so sure I fully believe it yet though.”
“That’s alright,” Crowley responded, “we’ll work on it together, a group of the two of us. Now, to celebrate what do you say we try out the new bakery in town?”
Aziraphale lit up, “oooooo, that does sound lovely!”
“But not yet!” Crowley said, “it is too early in the morning o’clock, right now we sleep, then breakfast.”
Crowley flopped back into the bed, pulling Aziraphale in close as he did so. The angel fell into the most peaceful sleep he’d had in a long time.