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it feels wrong, watching gon cry.
it feels like watching an angel kill, or watching flowers wither away.
it feels like loss, and pain.
and killua knows those things. well, in fact. but gon…
gon didn’t and he didn’t deserve it.
so even though he feels an ache, a feeling of horrible emptiness through his whole body, even though he has no idea what he’s doing, he lifts a slightly trembling hand, and places it on gon’s right shoulder. his thumb finds its way to his shoulder blade, and he rubs softly, soothingly. trying to ease the hollow ache he knows gon feels, yet knowing how impossible a task that is.
he doesn’t get a reaction for a long time.
usually he’d be paralysed with nerves, but it’s been too much. everything has been, for both of them. now he just waits, patiently watching gon.
and a few minutes later, gon sighs, a heavy, heartbroken thing. killua feels the twist in his chest at the sound. gon deserves better... his train of thought, however, is interrupted as the green-haired boy stands up, completely exhausted, and sits right next to killua, hand reaching out, searching almost desperately to grasp his. he’s shaking, killua realises as he feels gon shuddering beside him, how his hand shivers uncontrollably in killuas. it feels so, so painful. to see somebody as…as bright and loving as him break like this. and killua can’t just…do nothing.
but he can’t do anything either. the van carries on, indifferent, on a seemingly never-ending path away. killua doesn’t know where, only that it’s away from where they had to go, where they fought to get to and lost.
chest aching with a fierce protectiveness - love, he realises, and care - killua reaches out and wraps his arms around the other’s shoulders. “killua.” he feels the slight vibration of gon’s chest as he speaks, voice hoarse and broken. “yeah?” the responding voice is unsteady. “i-i can’t-“ his words break off as more tears pour down his face. “i can’t.” he repeats, and the simple words hurt like fucking daggers in killuas heart. “i can’t,” he chokes out, eyes pleading and desperate and in pain. “it hurts, killua…i didn’t know it would hurt this much…”
killua just cracks and for a moment its just the two of them. his eyes fall shut, tears slipping down his face and then they’re crying together like they’re young children again, alone and lost in the forest. clinging to each other because they don’t know what’s out there and it scares them. the dark, the unknown, is frightening.
killua feels like he’s useless, helpless, and hurting. except now they’re older.
they’re older and so much more is expected of them.
it isn’t fair.
it isn’t fair because they’re only twelve. because nobody else their age has ever had to do things like this. because they’re being pushed beyond their limits for being talented and it still won’t ever be enough.
it isn’t fair because kite is lost and they can’t do anything about it.
so he just lets his body shake with sobs and they cling together like they’re kids hiding from a storm again. how they used to back on whale island. when it all feels like too much to bear gon buries his face in killua’s shoulder, whispering inaudible, broken sentences and words like prayers. i love you, killua replies quietly, painfully gentle. i love you. i’m sorry. the coldness of gon’s skin doesn’t lie… they aren’t on whale island anymore, they aren’t where the sun shines anymore.
it’s all far, far away.
they spend the rest of the night together, trying to forget the horrors of reality. holding each other close, whispering just barely-there words to comfort what cannot be comforted. to fix what has been broken to the point of no return.
to heal their bloody hearts, hollow souls. and it doesn’t work. they’re still as shattered as they were and will always be. but at least.
at least they’ll always be together in this pain.