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Intern, My Webbed Butt

Summary:

When Gotham High and Midtown High head to Avengers Tower for a two-day field trip, everything starts with disbelief and ends in full-blown disaster.

Work Text:

Peter had made a critical mistake. He opened his mouth. “I intern at Avengers Tower,” he’d said during a Midtown-Gotham joint Zoom meeting last month. “Maybe I can get us in for a field trip.” Now here they were. One month later. Midtown High, Gotham High, and two very luxury buses rolling up to the private entrance of Avengers Tower.

Peter leaned his forehead against the glass of the bus window, sighing. “Regrets?” MJ asked, chewing gum. “Several. Top of the list? Telling people I work here.” Ned grinned. “Look on the bright side! You’ve got insider access.” Peter gave him a deadpan look. “Ned, half the Gotham kids are probably carrying unregistered weapons. The other half are probably the weapons.”

Behind them, Damian Wayne stabbed a granola bar with a pen. “I stand by my point,” Peter muttered.

The buses parked behind Avengers Tower. Towering glass gleamed overhead. The building seemed to hum with power. Teachers gave the usual safety talks. The Midtown kids fidgeted. The Gotham kids... sharpened things. “Is that guy wearing a grappling hook?” a Midtown student whispered, staring at Jason. “I think that’s Tim Drake,” MJ said. “Didn’t his family disappear in a boat accident or something?” “No, you’re thinking of the other Tim Drake,” Ned offered helpfully.

Peter straightened his Midtown hoodie and tried to act casual as they approached the side entrance. “I’ve been here hundreds of times,” he muttered. “It’ll be fine.” Then he stepped forward and a SHIELD agent stopped him. “Name?” “Peter Parker.” The agent raised a brow. “You on the visitor list?” Peter fumbled. “I yeah! I intern here! I’m Tony Stark’s intern.” The other kids burst into laughter. Jason actually wheezed.

“You? Intern here?” a Gotham girl said with a sneer. “Do you dust the Iron Man suits or something?” MJ rolled her eyes. “You all mock him now, but wait until someone throws a tank at us and Peter saves your butts.” “No tanks,” the SHIELD agent said sharply. “This is a school visit, not an invasion.”

Then came the metal detectors. Midtown passed through with minor drama ,MJ’s earrings, Ned’s phone charger. Then Gotham stepped up.

 

Cassandra walked through.

BEEP BEEP BEEP.

She stopped, calm. The agent blinked. “Do you… have metal on you?” She removed a collapsible baton, three throwing stars, and an entire belt of what looked like... caltrops.

 

Next up: Jason.

BEEP BEEP BEEEEP.

“Alright, alright,” Jason said, unloading. “Two knives, pepper spray, one… oh, crap, that’s a batarang. Wrong belt.”

Tim didn’t beep. His bag did.

 

“What is that?” the SHIELD agent asked, pulling out a circuit board wired to a potato. “Science project,” Tim said cheerfully. “You can’t bring that in.” “Tony would let me.” “No, he wouldn’t,” Peter said.

Then Damian stepped up. The scanner sparked. The lights flickered. SHIELD agents instinctively reached for their weapons. “I am the grandson of the Demon’s Head,” Damian said. “Your technology fears me.” Peter smacked his own forehead.

Then Natasha Romanoff appeared beside him like a whisper of murder. She slung an arm over Damian’s shoulder. “This one’s mine,” she told security. “Go easy on him.” Peter gawked. “Wait, you adopted Damian?” Natasha shrugged. “He broke into my safe house to kill me. It was endearing.”

“Who raises children like this?” Peter whispered. “Billionaires,” MJ replied.

Tony descended from the upper levels in his full suit, minus the helmet, grinning like a proud dad hosting a chaotic sleepover. “Midtown! Gotham! Welcome to the most advanced building in North America—possibly the planet, depending on how you feel about Wakanda!” Gotham kids looked unimpressed.

Dick whispered to Damian, “Didn’t you sneak into this place last year?” “That was to assassinate a HYDRA mole,” Damian muttered. “We were busy.” Tony clapped Peter on the back. “And this young man is your guide! Intern Peter Parker!” Everyone stared.

A Gotham boy snorted. “This is a prank, right?” Tony frowned. “You think I’d lie about my intern?” “He gets our coffee,” Peter muttered. “And saves Manhattan sometimes,” Tony added. Jason raised a hand. “Can we see the weapons vault?” “No!” Peter, Tony, and SHIELD agents all said in unison.

Dinner was served in the guest lounge catered by Stark-level cuisine. Real chefs. Fancy plates. One Gotham girl tried to shank a steak with a throwing knife. Peter sat between MJ and Cassandra. Jason plopped across from him with a smug grin. “So, Intern Peter,” Jason drawled. “How much you get paid? Enough to not scream when the Hulk walks by?” “That happened once,” Peter hissed.

“Hey, what’s this?” Damian was tapping at the smart-table screen. “Stark satellite controls?” Peter lunged. “Don’t touch that!” Too late. The table started beeping. A SHIELD agent sprinted across the room. “I didn’t activate a missile, did I?” Damian asked casually. “Why would that even be an option?” Peter groaned. “Because your boss is insane,” Tim offered cheerfully, chewing pasta.

The schools were assigned sleeping quarters in the guest residential floors. Of course, chaos immediately ensued. “Is it true the ceiling in your room is bulletproof?” a Gotham student asked Peter. “I’m not telling you that,” Peter replied.

Damian was sharpening a blade on a countertop while humming something from Phantom of the Opera. Cassandra disappeared into a vent. Jason was trying to convince Ned to let him “borrow” a Stark tablet. “I know you’ve got clearance, Leeds!” “No I don’t!” Ned cried. “That was just a badge sticker! For the gift shop!”

Meanwhile, MJ and Tim were having a sarcastic-off. “I’m just saying, you’re all definitely secret vigilantes,” MJ said. Tim smirked. “And you’re not?” “…touché.”

Trouble Strikes, Of Course At precisely 2:13 AM, alarms blared. Red lights. Klaxons. AI voice: “Security breach. Perimeter breach. Unauthorized access detected.” Peter bolted upright. “I DIDN’T TOUCH ANYTHING THIS TIME!” Tony’s voice crackled over the speakers. “Field trip's canceled! Everyone evacuate EXCEPT the kids who caused this. You know who you are!” Peter ran into the hallway to see Cassandra dropping down from the ceiling.

“What did you do?” “Training exercise,” she said softly. “WHOSE training exercise?!” Then: BOOM. Smoke in the hallway. Tim emerged with a tablet. “Good news: I disabled the elevator cameras. Bad news: Jason set off a panic protocol.” “HE WHAT?!” Jason sprinted past with a SHIELD agent chasing him. “IT WAS A JOKE!”

The Morning After At breakfast, no one spoke for five minutes. The teachers were pale. SHIELD was twitchy. Peter sipped his coffee in silence. Tony stood at the head of the room. “So,” he said cheerfully, “that was the worst student trip since Thor’s cousin tried to bring a goat to Asgard Prep. Who wants a commemorative T-shirt?”

Damian raised his hand. Tony tossed him one.

Peter finally broke the silence. “So. Still think I don’t work here?” Jason muttered, “You might not work here, but you definitely suffer here. That counts.”

As the buses loaded up again, Natasha hugged Damian. “Call me if your school burns down.” “It already has. Twice,” he said proudly. Tim handed Peter a Stark screwdriver. “Nice working with you, Tower Boy.” Peter blinked. “Wait, are you stealing from—” “Bye!”

Jason ruffled Peter’s hair. “Not bad for an intern. Next time, I’m hacking the vault.” “No, you’re not!” MJ smirked. “I liked this trip. Good chaos. Great snacks.” Ned looked exhausted. “I need a nap and a new life.” Tony waved from the rooftop, armor gleaming. “Come again soon!” he shouted. “Next time, leave the murder children at home!” “No promises,” Peter muttered.

As the buses drove away, Peter slumped in his seat. “Still think you’re just the intern?” MJ asked. He cracked a smile. “Intern, Avenger, emotional support spider call me whatever. At least I survived.”

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