Chapter Text
They said he went peacefully.
Gerard wasn't sure what that meant. There was nothing peaceful about the screaming in his own head, or the way the hospital room felt like a tomb before they even pulled the sheet over Mikey’s face.
He had been too late. A few minutes. That was all.
He stood in the doorway for what felt like hours. Nurses passed with sympathetic glances, doctors mumbled words like "time of death" and "no pain," but none of it mattered. The world had stopped moving. All that remained was the body of his brother under too-white sheets and the sound of Gerard’s heartbeat breaking in his chest. He sat down beside him anyway. Held his hand, though it had already gone cold.
"You didn’t even get to hear the song," Gerard whispered, his voice hoarse. "The one I wrote last week. I think you would’ve liked it. It had that weird chorus you liked — the kind that doesn’t resolve.” He laughed once, bitter and soft, the sound of someone who had run out of ways to survive grief. “I would’ve sung it for you,” he added. “I would’ve done anything, Mikey. I would’ve carried the weight with you. You weren’t supposed to do this alone.” His eyes traced the shape of Mikey’s face, committing every detail to memory. The faint freckles. His long eyelashes were always adorned by the glasses. He sighed, “You didn’t fail,” Gerard said suddenly, firmly, like maybe Mikey could still hear it wherever he was. “You were tired. I get it. I just wish you’d stayed.” The silence that followed was endless. A kind of silence that only grief knows — not empty, but full of everything that will never be said again. How was he going to tell his mom? How was he, Gerard Way, tell Donna that Mikey was gone? God only knows. He felt a weighted sort of peace in the small quiet room. He knew he would meet him again, though he knew most of his friends would not believe him.
So he held on tight, and leaned against the bed. And observed his baby brother, until the nurses took him away.
Gerard had promised himself, - He had promised Mikey - that he would not let himself rot. But oh well, for some reason he hated promises. He couldn't keep them. He was now sulking on the couch, as he had been over the past week. He opened his walkman, and put on the headset, trying not to think much. Gerard turned his headphones real loud. Today by The Smashing Pumpkins started to play. Billy Corgan’s voice was distincting and polarizing. “Today is the greatest day I've ever known. Can't live for tomorrow, tomorrow's much too long-”
He snatched his headset, throwing them across the room. He felt the sweat going down his neck. It was the same feeling of dread he felt at the hospital. His heart pounded. It was all his fault. He could remember it clearly-
“Where is he? Where’s Mikey?”
“Calm down honey, It will be okay.”
“Where is he? Where is my baby brother?”
“It will be okay, I promise it will be okay. I need to tell you something… Mikey…”
“Will he be okay? Mikey? Where is Mikey?”
“He killed himself.”
Gerard choked a sob. The tears streamed down his pale cheeks, down the stub that was starting to form. He couldn’t breathe. He shut his eyes as tight as he could, as if he could block all the world around him, because he realized how deep the event was; how deep it was to have him gone. He curled into the couch, sniffling and gasping softly, trying to calm the fuck down.
Frank was walking silently, his shoes making a soft clicking sound as he walked down the sidewalk along Ray. The scrumptious smell of homemade soup filled the cold air. Ray made a small “hmph” sound, as he glanced down at Frank. He spoke quietly, “Do you think Gerard will like the veggie soup?” Frank thought for a minute or two. He nodded “I suppose he will. I made it after all.” Ray cracked a small smile, but soon vanished. He exhaled, and it came out in a small cloud of puff due to the cold. He replied “Frank, I assume Gerard is not in the mood. So, y’know, be patient with him, alright?” Frank nodded his head once again. He felt Ray wrap an arm around him, and he let himself lean into his friend. With a quiet voice, he spoke “I know. Thanks.” Ray smiled gently, and let go of him, and continued walking to Donna Way’s house. It had been a few more minutes until they stopped at a dark and dingy gothic-looking house. Ray stepped forward, and knocked on the door. Soon, a woman with bright blonde curls came out of the house. She had a tired yet warm look, and smiled as soon as she saw the two young men. “Frank, Raymond. It’s a pleasure to have you here.” She ushered them inside, and closed the door. Frank grinned “Good evening Mrs. Way. We wanted to check on Gee.” Donna smiled sadly, and gestured to the basement. “He’s been hiding there all week, sweetie. I count on you both so he can finally crack a smile at least.” She sighed, and glanced upstairs. “I’ll be in my room if you boys need anything.” Ray gave her a soft look before she disappeared up the stairs. There was silence until Frank rushed down the stairs to the basement, and slammed the door open.
Gerard jumped from the couch, shaking violently. He soon took a hold of Frank and Ray’s presence, and let his guard down. He sighed.