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Living in a world where your destiny has been written to be with someone is not always good. The thing is this someone can be anyone, which is why most people find it fascinating. A lot of them are still too invested with their so-called strangers to lovers trope. It can be better when it’s their best friend – worse, their enemies.
Can you imagine that? Your enemy is your soulmate in the end? The person who was written on the stars and will spend the rest of their lives with you together? Not all people decided to spend their life with their soulmates apparently. Especially when the sign can be forgotten the next day. It is absurd, but hey when it does not? Silly, realistic life. Nothing ever is logical with whatever it is in the end.
Sanghyeok knows who his soulmate is. He never told anyone about it, including his family. His father often made time to make him sit down together and asked about it. It was a good excuse because he asked him about anything except his work, one of it was the books he has been recommending to his fans throughout several interviews and Pop chat.
This soulmate term has always been strange for him. Not in a way he doesn’t believe in love and affection. If he doesn’t know anything about it, how did he even give his 5th Worlds title to the fan? Most people will still think about what he said as a part of the script. But for him, from the deepest part of his heart, Sanghyeok actually meant every word he said.
For his personal life, it’s different. Sanghyeok hasn’t got any personal time to approach this term. He once thought maybe he did back then, but he forgot. If he forgot about it then this soulmate of his doesn’t think it matters too.
Sanghyeok doesn’t remember the very last time he showed any romantic affection towards someone. Does the universe really erase people’s minds that easily? Then how do people find their soulmates? How do they stay then and continue their lives together with them? That doesn’t make any sense at all. Sanghyeok has a lot of questions regarding how the universe is playing with its own people’s destiny. If it’s really written on the stars and nothing won’t ever change, then why do they have to forget it the next day?
Why does Sanghyeok have to forget what he did to his soulmate?
It’s one of those nights again. The creeping of uneasiness bubbling inside him. Sanghyeok is currently sitting on one of the practice room’s gaming chairs. They just finished their scrims and the others are currently talking to each other about whether they have to go eat dinner outside.
He glanced at the digital clock on his phone; 10:24 PM. It’s near midnight already and whatever food they’ll be eating, it is not dinner anymore. Sanghyeok often call it a late night dinner apparently. Well, there’s only one restaurant in his mind.
“Let’s go to Haidilao,” he turned around his chair, grinning sneakily as he made the other people in the room turn around to him. Tom rolls his eyes and Mata gives him a quick thumbs up. “The kids are already out,” Tom says, “I don’t know where the two Hyunjoons go though. They just bolted out from here.” Mata waves his hand, letting out a small ahhh, “Then it’s the adult time, Jaehyun-ah. I don’t know if Jeonggyun hyung will join but Uijin is here, right? You can ask him to join.”
Sanghyeok chews his lower lips before nodding. He got up from the chair before rushing to the streaming room floor. As far as he knows, Untara is currently streaming as usual. The sudden offer to join their late night dinner will definitely shock him, but Sanghyeok made sure the others need to wait for Untara to finish his stream first.
As expected, Untara needed another 20 minutes to finish his soloq game. Sanghyeok’s head popped as he opened the streaming door, walking behind his best friend who’s playing Teemo on the top lane.
“I’m sorry, Sanghyeok-ah. I need to finish this first,” Untara says as his eyes averts from where Teemo is and the mini map on the screen alternatively. Sanghyeok nods his head, “I don’t mind. Jaehyun hyung is probably still busy with the scrim feedback. Did any of the kids come here?” Untara nods, “Both Hyunjoons came here. Give me some snacks and leave again. Don’t know where though, they’ve been spending a lot of time together. Closer even!” then he groans because Teemo just got killed on the screen. The information leaves Sanghyeok wondering. It has been a few months since he caught the two, especially Doran, acting strangely towards the team’s jungler.
Well, it’s not my business, Sanghyeok resolves his own thoughts and waits for Untara in the practice room. He’s waiting for the coaches to finish their meeting, turning the gaming chair from left to right. His eyes are too focused on his phone screen, which is normal, he doesn’t have his books in the office. There is no reason for him to keep it here too.
Chat notifications pop up on his screen. Keria was asking about what the other boys are doing and why they don’t get back to their apartment immediately. Gumayusi answered about what he’s doing, none from the Top-Jungle duo. Sanghyeok doesn’t answer until Keria tags him in the chat room. He only snickers in silence, it’s fun to see the two conversing, because he hasn’t been able to see them talk to each other that often off the rift.
“Sanghyeok-ah,” he diverted his attention from the phone screen to the practice room door immediately, “We’re leaving now. Uijin finished his stream already,” Tom announces. Sanghyeok stands up and follows the others to the lobby. They decided to go to the restaurant by taxi. Kkoma actually drove his own car, but Sanghyeok dragged Untara already and rushed to the restaurant right away by themselves.
It’s easier to go there by taxi, because there will be more options to go back to their own places. Untara obviously is not living in the same apartment building as the other players, but he often gets on the same bus with Sanghyeok. His other friends, Bang and Wolf are both busy with their own personal things. Untara had a mind to invite Blank and Peanut, but Sanghyeok told him they are probably busy too; especially Peanut.
“Are you still thinking Wangho is your soulmate?” Untara suddenly asks when they got out of the taxi. Sanghyeok frowns, they are waiting for the others to arrive because late night traffic jams suck as hell. “Why the sudden question?” he reacts and squints his eyes, meanwhile his best friend can only shrug, “You never tell me who your soulmate is. I only guess from how you act towards others. It might be me, you know.” There’s an immediate silence filling in the air before Sanghyeok lets out a scoff, “Nah, I’m good with Wangho. You’re right, Uijin-ah, it can be you. You just need to observe whatever things I’m going to do when the clock strikes midnight later.”
He’s lying if the thought never crossed his mind; Peanut being his soulmate. They spent a year playing together, more than that being close friends off the rift. Peanut told him everything about his love life, both men and women. Sanghyeok was there through it all and a glimpse of hope on maybe Peanut once saw him more than just a hyung.
But no, they talked through it. Did Sanghyeok confess? Not exactly. It was Peanut who asked first, because he thought the mid laner just showed a different kind of affection towards him. But Sanghyeok remembers what happened, so it’s not those soulmate things. Was it embarrassing for Peanut to suddenly ask his hyung who’s now his enemy about that? No, not at all.
Sanghyeok was fine and he’s open to be a listener for someone else’s soulmate dilemma. Someone else’s, not his. Never his, never will. It's folklore at this point and Sanghyeok wants it to stay that way.
As the others arrived, they immediately jumped into the broth. The regular season is not easy; the environment too. Sanghyeok used up all of his guts and to step up as a captain. It’s a professional relationship in the end towards the coaches and his kids.
In the end it all drawn back to his want to win every single game. It’s not possible, not when his state is currently at. The team is still unstable but he believes they will get there eventually. He doesn’t know when, but he believes in them.
“Will you go somewhere after this, Sanghyeok-ah?” Mata asks as he puts all of his beef into the ssam. Without waiting for the elders, he eats it and lets out a soft hum afterwards. Sanghyeok puffs his cheeks, munching the beef that has been thoroughly cooked by Untara and Tom respectively. “Go to sleep, maybe. If I can, I’ll go back to the HQ later and do some soloq,” Sanghyeok stare at his phone screen, there are text notifications coming from Oner, “Hyeonjunnie is there probably.”
“With Hyunjoon?”
“I guess so.”
“They are always together!” Mata quips, “I love seeing them getting closer each day.” Tom adds, with pursing his lips, “Too close, most of the time.” Untara waves his hand, pouring another broth into Sanghyeok’s bowl, “Eh, don’t be like that, Im Jaehyun. It’s for the in-game synergy.” Sanghyeok playfully nods, asking for another sauce as he pouts his lips.
The time moves fast when they’re eating. Usually Sanghyeok doesn’t look at the time that much. He has a lot of time for tonight, discussing the old times and joking around with the people he had been through a lot of stuff with. Ordering another plate of beef and noodles, putting it all back into the broth in the middle of the table.
“I’m full,” Sanghyeok groans as he leans back to the chair behind him, “Ah, I think I can’t go back to the dorm.” Tom pushes the water bottle on the table closer to where Sanghyeok is sitting. “Drink, right now,” and Sanghyeok complied immediately, “Not that fast. Oh my, this kid, he doesn’t change at all when he’s in front of us.” The unchanged mid laner can only blink at the statement, swallowing the water inside his mouth down to the throat, “Isn’t that a good thing? I never leave from the past,” he says, “I don’t want to.”
It wasn’t supposed to be sad. Everyone knows he doesn’t mean the fucked up roster and everything. It was fucked up, but it’s his youth. The friends Sanghyeok made along his journey are very and still precious for him.
Untara nods, patting Sanghyeok’s shoulder. He understands what he means and that’s enough. The first one to stand up from the booth is Kkoma. He said that he wants to be one who pays for their dinner, which is fine, Sanghyeok can only nod as he waits from the high of eating too much.
He feels it when they are heading out from the restaurant. There’s this feeling of wanting to come home, but he doesn’t know where exactly. His feet keep moving to move away from his circle of friends. Tom is talking about what is their schedule for tomorrow, another scrim, probably a stream later at night.
Sanghyeok pulled out his phone from his jacket pocket; 12:04 AM staring back at him from the screen. The day changed already and Sanghyeok wanted to go home. He feels uneasy, it’s like he doesn’t belong here. Sanghyeok clutches the inside of his jacket pocket, turning to look at Untara who’s already staring back at him.
“I need to go,” Sanghyeok says, “I’m sorry, I need to go right now.” Untara raises an eyebrow, “To where?” Sanghyeok felt the tip of his tongue go cold. He knows that someone won’t accept what he thinks about them, but Sanghyeok still goes for it when he’s not here. “Home,” he answers without hesitation, “I need to go home.”
Without being held back with unnecessary excuses, Sanghyeok runs to the nearest bus station. He lets his feet drag him away to where he’s going to go right now. Finding the seat near the window, Sanghyeok leaned his head towards the window. The midnight sight is not always bad in Seoul, but holy shit the uneasiness is not helping him feel anything better.
He won’t accept me, Sanghyeok thinks as the bus stops in front of the traffic light, he won’t even think of me as his soulmate. Sanghyeok hates when this kind of time comes without giving him any warning. He should’ve seen it coming – he should’ve been better able to control this thing. But he knows the universe loves playing with him and he hates it.
The cold air from the bus AC calmed him down a bit. He’s not going back to the dorm and he doesn’t know when he will come back either. Sanghyeok tries to close his eyes, letting his ears open to remind himself to get off from the bus. It will become a problem if he misses his stop.
Sanghyeok drags his feet as he gets off from the bus. He’s in one of Seoul's neighbourhoods, far away from Gangnam where he should be headed. He walks as if he knows where he’s going. It’s mostly instinct, because Sanghyeok feels he’s in an auto pilot mode.
Stopping in front of an apartment door. He was hesitating, pulling back his hand to push the door bell. Sanghyeok is pulling himself back, but the universe told him not to. He wants to let it flow, but he doesn’t want to do it because he respects the other party in this forced relationship.
Sanghyeok doesn’t want it to be real because he will be hurt in the end. Both of them, it’s hurting him so bad that Sanghyeok wants to feel numb. But a little part of him listens to what he wants the most from the deepest part of his heart. Maybe – maybe, this time will be different.
He wants to remember; he doesn’t want to forget.
Thus, Sanghyeok pressed the door bell at 12:50 AM. It’s midnight already and Sanghyeok wants to go home. If every person he met says that they find their homes in their soulmates, then Sanghyeok wants it too. He wants to go home to his soulmate too.
It takes a few minutes long for the door to finally open. Sanghyeok’s eyes widen, but he remains calm. The stillness from the apartment building hallway is frightening, but he has to remain composed this time. He doesn’t want to scare anyone, not even his soulmate.
A man is standing in front of him, holding the door open. He’s wearing a white shirt and short pants, hair is a little bit disheveled. Is he streaming? Sanghyeok asked himself in his head. Judging from the frowning forehead that is very visible to be seen by him at the moment, Sanghyeok just disturbed his soulmate’s personal time.
That means he fucked up.
“Why are you here?” Hyukkyu asks, raising an eyebrow, “It’s midnight.” Sanghyeok held his breath for a second before answering, “It’s because it is midnight.” His answer gets another confused reaction from the pro-player who’s in the middle of his hiatus. When the realization hit, Hyukkyu’s face changed; a disappointment? A relief sigh? Sanghyeok doesn’t know, he’s famous to be the only one who doesn’t know Hyukkyu at all actually.
But in the end, Hyukkyu let him in. Stepping aside as Sanghyeok walked past him. Ignoring the ringing bell and string tightens when their bodies are so close to each other. Sanghyeok knows about it, but he doesn’t know if Hyukkyu wants to feel it too.
It’s awkward, Sanghyeok can feel it. He walks past the living room and it’s empty. At first, Sanghyeok thought Hyukkyu was staying at his parents house like usual. He’s not tied with any contracts from any organization, he can do anything he wants right now.
But, as usual, he moved in an auto pilot mode and his feet dragged him here. It’s not like this is the first time Sanghyeok has been here. Probably, his memory was not very good with it. If anyone remembers it very clearly, it should be Hyukkyu.
“Did you go somewhere first?” Hyukkyu is pouring water into a glass on his kitchen table. Sanghyeok finds his way to sit on the sofa. He flinches a bit, probably because of the sudden cold, ignoring another eyebrow raise coming from Hyukkyu. “I ate dinner with the coaches and Uijin,” he nods a little bit as he receives the water from Hyukkyu, “Are you streaming? I’m sorry I came without telling you in advance. It just kicked in.”
“You know that’s not how the soulmate thing works, right?”
“Like what?”
“It won’t ever give you any warning,” Hyukkyu says, “Do you think you ever gave me any warning before?” Sanghyeok parts his mouth open, but nothing comes out. Hyukkyu can only curl a faint smile on his lips. “Exactly,” he let out a sigh, “You don’t remember anything.” Sanghyeok doesn’t know what it means, Hyukkyu never tells him anything in the first place.
Does he ever feel disappointed if he forgets about everything they did when this kind of soulmate thing was happening between them? Is it just a one-sided thing? How did Sanghyeok never feel the same special affection in return from him? There are so many questions popping up inside his head. But the sight of Hyukkyu coming back from the kitchen to bring another bowl of light snack, knowing well he’s probably in the middle of his streaming schedule. There are people who are currently waiting for him to come back. Maybe a soloq match finally popped up or anything – anything that should make him leave Sanghyeok alone right now, just like he always did.
Instead of going back to his room, Hyukkyu sat down on the floor. The snack bowl is on the sofa, right beside Sanghyeok. He was munching the snack inside his mouth as he offered the bowl towards the mid laner. Sanghyeok doesn’t know how to act and he’s the one who should be giving a special affection towards his soulmate, according to the 101 Things To Do When You’re Finally Found Your Soulmate book.
“Why are you here?” Sanghyeok asks, “You’re streaming. You can leave me alone here.” Hyukkyu munches the food inside his mouth, “It’s illegal for me to accompany my soulmate who had to follow the universe to take the bus all the way from Gangnam to here?” Sanghyeok falls silent hearing what he just heard. He knows that Hyukkyu is sometimes, most of the time professionally, a headstrong person. He just doesn’t expect Hyukkyu will be like that too for this soulmate thingy.
They eat the snack in silence. There are only signs of mood munching and someone drinking the water echoes in the living room. Sanghyeok pans around his eyes to scan the room he’s currently in. The memories of him visiting the apartment never stay for a long time if he ever comes here during this soulmate fiasco.
Sanghyeok finds multiple pictures of Hyukkyu’s family framed photos. Then his Worlds 2022 victories, even his Caitlyn skin was framed and put on the shelf under the hanging TV on the wall. The skin is pretty, Sanghyeok admits. Just like her father who was also turning around to stare at what Sanghyeok is staring at.
“Do you want to play her?”
“Huh?”
“Caitlyn,” Hyukkyu replies, “You played her before on mid lane, right?” Sanghyeok remembers that in Summer, facing Peanut and Doran. Ah, right, there was a time when Doran was sitting on the opposite side of the rift, far away from Oner. “Yeah, but it didn’t go well,” Sanghyeok replied with a small smile on his lips. He doesn’t know what to do when he has Hyukkyu looking up at him like he’s some kind of God, but he does, most of the time, “You can play her. I can turn off the streaming earlier, just use my account so no one will find it weird.”
It might be the memory and everything because Sanghyeok feels the soulmate thing should make him do something more in giving affection. Why is Hyukkyu the one who gives him affection? Is this kind of reverse trope? He doesn’t understand a thing. Especially when Hyukkyu stands up from the floor and offers him a hand. Sanghyeok lifts his head up, staring back at Hyukkyu who’s looking down at him, staring back and forth at the midlaner’s face and his open palm.
In the end, Sanghyeok takes the hand and lets them intertwine with each other. Instantly Sanghyeok thinks maybe this is what everyone said about finding a home in a person. It’s something that is not very recommended when you know you’re going to hurt later. But, for tonight, Sanghyeok let himself have it.
A glimpse of the leftover memory inside Sanghyeok’s head flashes in his mind when he steps into Hyukkyu’s room. Hyukkyu tells him to stand at the corner of his room first, because the camera is still on. There’s a bean bag that is comfortable enough for him to sit. Sanghyeok sits down on the fluffy seat underneath, pulling his knees together as he looks at Hyukkyu who’s back sitting on his gaming chair.
“Oh, Hyunjoon-ah,” Sanghyeok immediately tenses, “You’re still there? Sorry, I just need to grab something quickly. I know, I’m sorry, I need to turn off the stream though.” Sanghyeok let himself sink on the beanbag. He forgot that the other kids, especially Doran and Oner, were still in the office. From behind, Sanghyeok notices Hyukkyu feeling tense too, the sudden arrival of him probably shocked him but there’s nothing he can do in general, “No, I just don’t feel like streaming anymore. But we can still chat though. I will still play, everyone can try to spectate from there.”
It takes Hyukkyu a few minutes to say goodbye to his viewers. The little hand waves he gives towards the camera makes Sanghyeok’s heart go warm. He doesn’t even wave at him but why does he feel warm too? This soulmate thing once again is hard to understand by logic. But maybe this is one of those things that should stay illogical.
Hyukkyu got rid of his headphones after turning off his camera. Checking every of his streaming equipment to be turned off already. Making sure it won’t get any of them in trouble for the next hour. Anything that Sanghyeok is currently feeling right now will only last for 24 hours; they have a lot of time, at least for now.
“Here, you can sit,” Hyukkyu gets up from his chair, “Do you want something to eat? Like ramyeon or anything. I can cook.” Sanghyeok’s lashes flutter and he doesn’t know Hyukkyu’s heart skips a beat for a split second. “Why –” he stops midway, trying to form a coherent question that won’t offend the ADC in front of him, “Why are you doing this?” Sanghyeok asks. Hyukkyu raises an eyebrow again, then his cheeks flushes red in embarrassment.
That’s new, Sanghyeok trying to dig every leftover memory he has whenever he’s in this state from the back of his head, I never see him this flustered. Hyukkyu runs his palm to the back of his head, rubbing it as if that will change anything. Sanghyeok is still confused, but he doesn’t want to pry more about it; or else it will get him flustered too. The situation they’re in right now is confusing enough, thus he stands up from the bean bag and walks to sit on Hyukkyu’s chair.
“Can I have a ramyeon?”
“Okay.”
“Make one for you too,” Hyukkyu’s grip on the door knob stops, turning to look at Sanghyeok, “I want us to eat well.” It’s a phrase that Sanghyeok stumbled upon when he’s reading a self-improvement book about loving someone without saying it. Hyukkyu is still staring back at him before curling a small smile on his lips, something that Sanghyeok can’t savor in daily life when they are competing against each other. “You sure do have ways with your mouth when you’re like this,” Hyukkyu states and exits from his room, leaving Sanghyeok alone.
Sanghyeok plays Caitlyn using Hyukkyu’s skin. If this is his own stream, everyone will go insane immediately. Everyone knows that the Faker never uses any skin, both on streams or even big matches. It’s not his thing and never will be, not in the near future.
It’s been a long time since he played her. Looking at how Caitlyn moves on the screen with her mixed blue-white outfit and the white hat too. The most interesting part of the skin is her weapon and how Riot designed it to match with DRX color too. Sanghyeok remembers, he always will, how Hyukkyu played her in their finals almost 3 years ago.
The final where Sanghyeok thought he finally made it after all these years. But it wasn’t his time yet. It was Hyukkyu’s and he won’t ever feel any weird feelings about it. If anyone knows how long Hyukkyu waited for the Worlds trophy, it’s probably Sanghyeok himself.
In the middle of his game, a chat pops up on the screen. It’s 어리고싶다#KR1, out of everyone. Sanghyeok’s focus waver, almost misclicked the Flash on the keyboard. Doran is asking why he is playing Caitlyn in the mid lane.
어리고싶다#KR1: who are you
어리고싶다#KR1: daesanghyeok?
A sound comes from the door, it’s Hyukkyu who’s in the middle of holding two pots of ramyeon he just cooked for both of them. They stare at each other and Sanghyeok just gives him a widening pair of eyes, hoping for the ADC to get the hint. Hyukkyu put down the pots on the small table he has on the floor in his room before rushing to his computer. Doran’s chat is still visible to see on the screen, but his vision is not focused on that at the moment.
“Deathless?” Hyukkyu is in awe and Sanghyeok elbows him immediately, “Aw, okay. I mean, you can answer him. It’s not like I never played mid laner before.” Sanghyeok huffs, pressing more keycaps as he successfully gets a triple kill on mid and rush to destroy the turret afterwards. “This is your account and not mine. He doesn’t know about us,” he doesn’t know anything about who my soulmate is. Hyukkyu only reacts by slightly nodding his head, “Finish the game and come eat with me,” he says as he pat Sanghyeok’s head softly, “We have a lot to talk about.”
The sudden physical affection is really distracting Sanghyeok right now. Did Hyukkyu ever do this to him? As far as he can remember, according to the remaining memories in his mind, he didn’t. Does the soulmate thing have never been a one-sided attraction? Is this what they say it’s finally a two-way? That they are each other’s soulmates? Sanghyeok shakes his head and continues to focus on the game in front of him. He’s sure Hyukkyu is looking at him with another weird stare because of how he often zoned out.
After another 15 minutes to mark the 20-ish minutes game, Sanghyeok’s team won. The victory banner shows up on the screen as he stretches himself on the gaming chair. It was a good warm up to whatever thing they will talk about after this though. Sanghyeok appreciated the effort from Hyukkyu to not scare him off with any of these sudden urgency of the soulmate thing they have to sort it out together in the end.
Hyukkyu pats the empty space beside him and Sanghyeok joins him to sit down on the carpet. Both of them are quiet as they munch the ramyeon in their mouths. Hyukkyu almost choked on his ramyeon though and Sanghyeok immediately reached the nearest water bottle that was brought by the master of the house himself. Mumbling under his breath as he sees how red Hyukkyu’s face is.
“Be careful, oh my God.”
“Sorry, sorry. I was thinking.”
“About what? Just focus on eating.”
“About us, dumbass,” Sanghyeok stops midway, his hand still in the air when Hyukkyu is drinking the water, “Tonight is a different kind of feeling that I had when you showed up.” Hyukkyu put down the bottle on the table, his ramyeon pot is almost empty while Sanghyeok still has his half portion unfinished. “Would you believe me if I was waiting for you to show up earlier? I thought tonight is not the time and maybe I’ll be the one who needs to show up in your dorm or something,” Hyukkyu rubs around his neck again, “But the thing is I also knew, Sanghyeok. You’re not the only one who’s going to forget tomorrow.” Sanghyeok part his mouth open slightly, even when he wants to say something, nothing comes out because he’s too speechless of what he just heard.
Did Hyukkyu just confess? So, for tonight, it’s a two-way thing? Hyukkyu’s soulmate is him? This is not going to be one-sided again? But, Sanghyeok is afraid he will remember all of the bits they’ve been through together wrongly. Sanghyeok’s frown is getting deeper, he’s confused as hell right now. Is this how people decided to go with their soulmate? That they will live for the rest of their lives together? Just like this? But will the universe won’t fuck it up midway? What if the other soulmate suddenly fell out of love? Is this even love to begin with? This is a forced situation. They are trapped in this relationship and nothing – Sanghyeok means nothing will ever be able to make it right and logical.
“Hyukkyu-ya,” Sanghyeok calls and Hyukkyu hums, “Are we even going to work out generally? You don’t think this is not forced?” the question is hanging in the air. It’s a heavy atmosphere slowly enveloping the room. Sanghyeok stares at Hyukkyu who is also in the middle of thinking about it. “I never felt this was forced actually. Probably because I always think you’re the one for me. The reason why I never pry about it that much it’s because I don’t want it to be real when I was still active back then,” Hyukkyu’s stare glances up to look at Sanghyeok in the eyes, “I don’t know how I feel when I had to see you on the opposite of the rift with this feeling creeping up inside me. It was hard enough for me with all of the comparisons we had for each other. I don’t want to bother you, ever. You’re out of my reach, Sanghyeok-ah. You will always be.”
The silence is uncomfortable. There’s something bubbling up inside Sanghyeok whether he wants to hug or kiss Hyukkyu right now. But the man in front of him is giving the most sincere smile he ever gotten from the latter throughout his life. It feels like they’re back to a few years ago, when they’re just two high school students who happened to play the same game.
Sanghyeok finds his way to cup Hyukkyu’s face. His palm stayed there and the sudden nuzzle was unexpected. Hyukkyu closes his eyes for a second, the most peaceful sight Sanghyeok has ever seen for the whole day after so many arguments he had with the coaches about strategies and anything that has been going on inside that damn organization. They stay in that position for another minute, just staring at each other’s eyes under the dim light from Hyukkyu’s room lamp above them.
“What should we do?” Sanghyeok asks, barely a whisper, “What should I do? I don’t want to forget – I don’t want you to forget.” Hyukkyu purses his lips, but he answered with so much determination, “Then don’t.” Sanghyeok stays silent, listening to what his soulmate has to say afterwards, “Don’t ever try to forget. Let’s remember every bit of it together.” Hyukkyu holds the mid laner’s hand on his lap, intertwining their fingers together, “Do you want to go out with me?”
For all the years Lee Sanghyeok has lived, this is probably the thing he wanted to hear the most.
The going out offer is literally a going out. Why does Sanghyeok find himself standing in front of the apartment building, clutching the thick jacket closer to his body to give more warmth in the coldness of midnight Seoul. Hyukkyu is still inside, getting his things. But when he hears the sound of a motorbike approaching close to where he’s standing, Sanghyeok tenses a little bit.
It’s a common fact that Hyukkyu owns a motorbike. He doesn’t use it that often when he’s still competing, Sanghyeok only caught a glimpse of it when the old SKT17 and KT17 had a joint dinner together, reminiscing about the old day. But that happened when they were not in their soulmate phase like this. Thus Sanghyeok never let himself process the sight of Hyukkyu talking to Mata and Score from the inside of a BBQ restaurant while holding a helmet and sitting on the bike.
Please don’t ask why he remembers it in detail – just, don’t.
Hyukkyu turns off the engine in the middle of midnight stillness, afraid to disrupt the other people who live in the same apartment building as he does. He still doesn’t wear his helmet yet, staring at Sanghyeok who’s now standing in front of him while raising an eyebrow at the midlaner. “Why do you always look at me like you’re seeing a ghost?” he asks softly, patting the empty seat behind him. Sanghyeok slowly walked closer, opening his arm to ask about his helmet, “I don’t know. Maybe because I’m not familiar with how you treat me like this yet. We were never casual, always rivals, not enough to be friends either.”
Hearing that, Hyukkyu can only shrug. Well, Sanghyeok is not wrong. Between the two of them, he was the one who always built walls and other walls – multiple walls to be the furthest away from Sanghyeok. He doesn’t know how many times Hyukkyu was caught turning around when T1 slowly walked up at the end of the corner in LOL Park.
Hyukkyu gives him his helmet while holding the one he’s going to wear. He helps Sanghyeok to wear it, leaving the glasses open for him to stare at the man for another few seconds. The night is late, like, super late. Sanghyeok still has a lot to do in the morning, approximately 10 AM is the earliest time for him to start his agenda later.
But staring at Hyukkyu’s eyes is more important for him right now. Not when they finally agreed that they will do anything to remember every bit of what’s happening tonight and the rest of the day. The thud sound startles Sanghyeok midway when Hyukkyu rests his forehead on the helmet he’s currently wearing. It’s loud enough to make Sanghyeok feel worried, thinking that Hyukkyu is hitting himself against the helmet.
“Whoa – what happened?”
“No, it’s okay. I was just wondering if I’m dreaming right now.”
“Huh?”
“Like, there’s no way the love of my life is the Unkillable Demon King, right?” Hyukkyu lifted his gaze to look at Sanghyeok again, “But here you are. Blinking your eyes as if you don’t know what crimes you’ve done to me whenever I had to know you would forget whatever dates we had to go through together back in the days.” Sanghyeok falls into another silence again, there’s guilt inside him but Hyukkyu pat the top of his helmet to drag him back to reality. “Okay, stop thinking about what has passed. We agreed to remember everything about tonight, right?” Hyukkyu chuckles as he wears his helmet, “Hop on. I’ll take you to the places we went before.” Sanghyeok still feels unsure with the fact he hurt Hyukkyu before – him not remembering anything about their dates, but he still sits behind the ADC and slowly wraps his arms around the latter’s waist, “Where are we going to go though?” he asks, enough to be heard by Hyukkyu himself as he closes the helmet glasses, “You’ll see.”
It’s not the first time for Sanghyeok to feel the coldness of the night breeze. He has been living in Seoul throughout his life. How many times he had to go home early in the morning after countless hours of grinding in soloq? It was cold too. He was alone most of the time, had someone to drag his ass out from the building to get enough hours to sleep; funny that he saw himself in Doran sometimes, but the younger has Oner to put his PC down.
But riding a motorbike at night? Sanghyeok thinks this is one of those times he finally feels alive again. It’s not different from driving a car of course. But having to witness these buildings without any window separating his eyes and the objects in front of him is indeed something else. Especially with the speed Hyukkyu is going right now, getting Sanghyeok to tighten the grip on the edge of the latter’s hoodie he’s currently wearing.
The first stop is a convenience store. Classic, Sanghyeok thinks, pushing himself backwards when Hyukkyu had to get off from the bike. He stares at the other man who doesn’t take off his helmet. Is he planning to go in just like that? Sanghyeok wonders again while he himself is wearing the helmet too.
“We’ll starve if we don’t buy things from here,” Hyukkyu says as he pulls out his wallet for a second, peeking at the money he has right now, “I know we just ate ramyeon, but I think we still need snacks and, most importantly, water. For you, sir. You need water at any time.” Sanghyeok blinks and Hyukkyu gives him a quick salute before entering the convenience store. It struck him on the inside to remind himself that Hyukkyu will enlist in the military in a few days. His heart sinks, chest tightens immediately, “Fuck,” Sanghyeok’s mind wanders to the places he should’ve gone, “Fuck, no, not at this time.”
He’s not thinking that it’s impossible to meet Hyukkyu in daily life when he’s away from the military. But that’s exactly what he was thinking at the moment. Sanghyeok witnessed multiple of his friends enlisted in the military. Untara and Bang were one of them, he was fine, they could still spend their daily lives together when his best friends had their time of course.
Probably the distance that scares Sanghyeok the most. They’ve been living with a big space between them throughout their lives. Even when Sanghyeok tried to close it off with a genuine intention to become friends, no other intention including a competitive one, Hyukkyu would always avoid him in the end. As what Bang said, relaying what Hyukkyu told him when Sanghyeok asked about his actions, they are better to be acquaintances rather than friends.
It hurts – it fucking stings. Sanghyeok had to sink himself down on his chair, staring at Hyukkyu’s stream that night. How he would just laugh whenever he talked with the other pros, but not with him. That he was just a passing wind in his career, another obstacle that he should crush midway.
Sanghyeok’s train of thoughts stopped when he heard the echoes of Hyukkyu’s footsteps. The man finally came out from the store holding a shopping bag filled with snacks and drinks. He’s still wearing his helmet, which is very funny. Sanghyeok stares at Hyukkyu who fishes out a water bottle from inside the bag and gives it to him.
“You need to drink.”
“I can drink later when we’re sitting down.”
“But I need you to drink now.”
“Then watch me trying to hold my own piss?” Sanghyeok barks with only his eyes visible to see from outside the helmet. Which is the funniest sight to be seen of the Unkillable Demon King passing a random midnight like this. Hyukkyu had to hold his laugh, crouching down for a moment as Sanghyeok stared at him down from where he sits. “Hyukkyu, I’m not as fragile as you think. Yeah, I get sick easily, but look at you,” Hyukkyu stands up immediately, “Okay, that’s cheating. We’re both old men yaoi or whatever the fans once talked about us,” Sanghyeok shifts on his seat when the latter returns to his seat in front of him, “Even though I don’t know most of the things they talked about, they seemed to like us together.”
The two of them remain silent for the rest of the ride. Sanghyeok still doesn’t know where they're going to go though. This familiar road leads them to one place, as far as he knows. If they will spend their time until the morning sunrise hit in a few hours, it’s going to be romantic as fuck for Sanghyeok’s taste.
Han River is not usually crowded past midnight. Are there people still hanging around with their lovers and circle of friends? Yeah, absolutely. The smell of ramyeon and other street foods lingers in the air. It’s the usual for Koreans to spend their time here without knowing about what time is actually ticking right now.
Forgetting reality, loosens your shoulders for a bit. Sanghyeok thinks of it that way. He steps down from the bike, giving Hyukkyu the helmet for him to put it side by side. When the younger starts to walk ahead of him, Sanghyeok tugs his wrist for him to stop midway.
Turning around a little bit, Hyukkyu looked back at him, “What? Is there something wrong?” Sanghyeok nods and he walks closer to stand by his side, their fingers intertwined with each other, “You’re not holding my hand is wrong.” Hyukkyu tenses a little bit under his touch, but Sanghyeok immediately calms him down by brushing their knuckles together. “You’re –” the sentence hangs in the air, Hyukkyu is still too stunned to speak, “bold.” Sanghyeok raises an eyebrow, cocky as hell but he’s loving it, “I can be one if you let me. I’ve been holding back because you kept running away.”
Hyukkyu falls into a silence and Sanghyeok takes the advantage to tuck his hair to the side, preventing to cover the man’s eyesight. Sanghyeok is still following Hyukkyu while holding his hand. They’re walking to a spot whereas it’s a staircase actually, facing the big river in front of them. Sanghyeok takes a seat after Hyukkyu comfortably chooses where to sit beside him, taking out their snacks and drinks.
“What did we do here?” Sanghyeok asks, drinking the water bottle as it soothes his throat immediately. Hyukkyu is still silent at first and Sanghyeok is doing what he’s done best whenever it comes to him; waits and listens. “We kissed,” Hyukkyu says, filling the night breeze that softly passes through their faces, “no, we never did it all the way. It was just a kiss and I cried, kind of? Because it was never real.” Sanghyeok’s heart sinks as Hyukkyu tries to distract himself by opening the snacks in his hand, “Because you said it was forced and I agreed. It was forced somehow and knowing you just left from my apartment after that broke me in so many pieces that I couldn’t even believe in myself if I could pick it up again.”
“Hyukkyu –”
“It’s okay, it was in the past.”
“No, you should’ve told me.”
“And then what?” Hyukkyu shots him back in the eyes, “What will you do? Erased my memory too? That’s not how it works, Hyeokkie. It’s okay that you think it was forced, it’s logical.” Sanghyeok holds Hyukkyu’s palm underneath his, slowly mutters under his breath, “But it doesn’t always to be that. You can just tell me. It was real for me, was it forced? Well, it’s nature, it’s the universe.” A pause and he inhales, “It’s fate, Hyukkyu-ya.” Hyukkyu lift his head to stare back at Sanghyeok’s eyes, it’s clearer from his perspective when there’s a full moon rises above them, “Do you –” he stops, Sanghyeok can see his lower lips trembles from the uncertainty that the universe has been bringing up the two of them until now, “Do you really mean that?”
That we’re not forced? Sanghyeok wanted to reply, I’ve always thought of us like that. But, for this moment, he thinks words are not enough to express what he actually feels towards the man in front of him. All the things they’ve been put through together by the universe – the times when he hurt him unintentionally because he forgot about it the next day. If he wants to remember about what happened tonight, then let him carve it together in their memories to last for a long time.
Thus, he erases the gap between their lips rather than the memories. It’s a chaste kiss, lips against another pair of lips. Underneath the shining moonlight above them, giving more light for Sanghyeok to savor this moment. Hyukkyu closes his eyes in the process, feeling the way Sanghyeok’s lips move on his before he pulls back.
“Why did you stop?” Hyukkyu mumbles, eyes wavering in panic. Sanghyeok looks at him and chuckles, “I want to ask if you feel okay about it?” Hyukkyu blinks, “You’re asking that now? It feels amazing, dumbass. Are you really –” he doesn't realize he’s blushing red right now, but Sanghyeok won’t point that out. “Okay, okay,” he laughs before capturing Hyukkyu’s lips again, “I’ll kiss you as much as you want from now on.” But before they kiss again, Hyukkyu stops Sanghyeok to ask, “Will you still kiss me even when I’m bald?” the question that was either unexpected or even expected came from the man’s mouth, “What even that means –” thus, Hyukkyu shut him up in the end.
The kiss never got hungrier, because they have much more time to themselves for now. Sanghyeok drinks his water and eats his snack. Listening to every concern that Hyukkyu has pent up in his mind about the military. He won’t talk about it to Hyukkyu now, about his worries and any other things – his sole focus for tonight is about Hyukkyu and only Hyukkyu.
They were supposed to go home, it's freaking almost 4 AM already. Sanghyeok, as he remembers, has a lot to do in the morning. He needs to wake up by 10 for the earliest. Hyukkyu is being reasonable, but Sanghyeok insists on any option that is logical right now.
“You can sleep at mine,” Sanghyeok states, “My clothes are not as big as you think. It will fit on you, we don’t have to do anything. I just want to hold you, Kyu.” Hyukkyu’s mouth parts open slightly, but nothing comes out from it. He’s too speechless with the bold decision that Sanghyeok just made in front of him. In the end, he agrees though, it’s not like he won’t turn every of Sanghyeok’s offer down anymore from now.
The thing that they should keep in their minds is that there are other people living in this apartment building. It’s not only the citizens who have normal jobs, it’s the other athletes. Sanghyeok’s children, Hyukkyu knows Jihoon also lives in the same building. Who else? None of them keep up with the gossip apparently.
So, when the elevator arrives on Sanghyeok's floor and it opens to show Oner standing in front of them, the rest is history. Sanghyeok widens his eyes, Hyukkyu’s mouth parts open, and Oner frowns in confusion.
The jungler covers his mouth, “What the fuck –”