Chapter Text
Colin was nervous.
Honestly, one could argue that being nervous was a constant state of mind for him (in terms of ser and not estar) (God bless being fluent in other languages so that he may better express himself and connect with the many different aspects of his personality).
If there’s one thing he could potentially be proud of himself, it’s his ability to connect, to read other people and their needs.
Colin genuinely liked to be useful, to make change in people’s lives. This intrinsic yearning for human connection led him to his travels. Every new face became an opportunity to touch a life, to lift someone up. His passion for travel wasn't merely about exploring new places. It was more about understanding the world, the people, and their struggles, which lead him to better understand himself.
He thrived on the idea of being a modern-day hero, someone who could bridge cultures, heal wounds, and bring joy through a simple smile or a kind word. Each journey added layers to his understanding, making him more empathetic, more attuned to the needs of those around him.
The essence of human connection was the very core of his being.
That may as well be the very reason Agatha Danbury chose him to be the host of this series of live interviews, her next bet for the entertainment world.
It all started with him posting travel vlogs on YouTube. His channel, titled “Travelling with Myself”, made huge numbers from the get-go and he turned to his mother’s friend for help in management.
When he accidently let it slip – after a few too many brownies brought from his latest trip to Amsterdam - that he longed to spend more of his time in London, a podcast-style round of lives for the YouTube channel seemed like the perfect solution.
Having the renamed author Penelope Featherington and his (sister’s) best friend as the first guest also seemed like a no-brainer.
At least, that’s what Agatha suggested. Never mind the fact that Colin and Penelope haven’t spoken for months, despite the desperate way he missed his best friend.
Losing her constant presence in his life made him realize that their bond had a depth that surprised even himself. Lying in bed at night, he would stare at the ceiling, drafting endless scenarios of how to mend the rift between them, albeit never actively putting them into practice.
The absence of her laughter, her barbs, her wisdom, her quiet support created a void in his life that nothing else could fill.
He longed to bridge the distance, to restore the bond that once felt unbreakable. So, once the opportunity presented itself, he said yes, no questions asked, and surprisingly enough she also had accepted it.
In hindsight, he probably should’ve anticipated the awkwardness, but Colin has always been an act first, think later kind of guy.
So of course his jetlagged brain thought that a live interview would be the perfect place to talk to Pen after months of her not answering his texts or calls.
Penelope’s anxious giggles snap him out of his thoughts.
“Oh, I didn’t think we would talk about that” she says, and he knows asking about the last time they ever saw each other on live television (well, not exactly, live internet if you will) was not his brightest idea.
The thing is: Colin does not feel very bright at being away from Penelope and if there’s one thing he plans to do today is make things right with the one person who always lifts him up.
“I have not seen you since then” she adds, seemingly to fill the loud silence left by him.
“That’s right” it’s the only thing that slips out of his mouth, as Colin feels the looks of anticipation from the crew.
He’s sure no one wants to tune in to an interview in which the host doesn’t engage with the guest, so he does his best to keep going, charming bravado in place.
“Do you want me to tell my version of the story?” he says, even though he does not feel particularly inclined to revisit that dreadful day. Should’ve thought about that earlier.
After all, he was the one that brought it up in the first place. Besides, he’d do anything to erase the nervousness from Pen’s face and stop her from pulling at her clothes, trying anything to appear busy and avoid his gaze.
Her answer is an anxious “Yeah, you tell’em your version”, followed by tense little giggles.
Her face is marked with an anger that leaves Colin feeling more bewildered than ever. He can't understand why Penelope, the woman who changed his world with a single kiss, now seems to be resenting him. Her recent behavior feels like a rejection that gnaws at his heart, leaving him questioning everything.
The last time they saw each other, his entire life felt like it clicked into place, every moment with her was a revelation, like coming home. It is only a shame that she seems not to share his feelings. If only he had managed to be weird about, maybe they’d still be friends like they have always been. It wouldn’t be enough for him, loving her with his whole being was the only way he could leave moving forward, but at least he’d still have her. And having a bit of her was better than not having her at all.
As usual, all Colin’s left to do is blame himself. The emotions swirl within him, confusion, hurt, and a deep-seated hope that maybe, just maybe, he can find a way to fix things, cutting the distance between them.
“It was really embarrassing for me,” Colin says in an attempt to lighten the mood.
The frown that appears on Pen’s face is small, but he caches all the same. “I guess” she concedes, but all he hears is a confirmation of his embarrassment, so he lets it out “It was, huh?”
If there’s one thing Penelope has always done is (at least try) to stop Colin’s self-deprecating moments so she regretfully adds, “I think it was more embarrassing for me, Col”.
The use of his nickname after so long is refreshing. He chooses to focus on that instead of being confused about what could she possibly mean by embarrassment for her.
One of the cameramen clears his throat so Colin tries to get back to the charming persona everyone on the internet hopes to see.
He smirks and stares at the camera as he says “So, hm, flashback to last Valentine’s Day. I was crashing at El’s place. For those who are not familiar with the Bridgerton family, Eloise is my sister and Pen’s best friend. They had gotten into a fight and El left the house so I thought to myself ´Well, I must cheer Penelope up. She can’t spend love’s day sad’. As we all know it, my love language is food, so I ordered a bunch of different pastries from our favorite bakery, but they got the orders mixed up and I made this huge scene to open the box, only for it to contain a cake with ‘Kiss me?’ written over it-“
Up until then he had been somewhat confident telling the story, humorous even, but his demeanor shifted as he remembered the scenes that followed.
Aware of their setting, he searched Penelope’s eyes to gather the much-needed courage to go on. She nodded and smiled, shyly, so he kept going “Hm, we- we kissed, and I swear it was like all my life just clicked into place. Nothing has ever felt more right”.
Colin was mortified at this point. Not even Benedict had managed to get this out of him. Yet here he was pouring his heart out for the whole world to see.
Hell, if it meant making things right with Penelope, he didn’t care to make a fool of himself.
“You see, up until that point, I had never considered the role she had in my life. She was always Pen”, he didn’t fight the smile that broke out when he remembered realizing that all he had ever wanted was right there in front of him.
She had her mouth open, in awe of his telling.
“But erm, the delivery guy interrupted us and explained the mistake. I was petrified and then Pen was apologizing and I said sorry and she said ´You shouldn’t be the one saying that´ and I told her she apologized first and everything was so confusing in my head, because it felt right to me but not to her so we, hm, agreed that it was best to keep our distance and yeah- here we are”.
“Colin, I kissed you” she interrupts his ranting.
He nods, well aware of the fact. She kissed him and screwed him up forever.
Penelope doesn’t seem happy with his lack of verbal response, so she continues “I kissed you because I was the one with a crush on you, not the other way round”.
She sounds positively mad at the idea that he could be the one trapped in a one-sided crush. As if the mere suggestion that she had friendzoned him was absurd. As if, all this time, she had secretly cherished every glance, every shared joke and every accidental touch.
“I kissed you, because I wanted to, because I liked you”, she finishes and the number of emotions filling his entire body must not healthy. In fact, he’s sure he’s about to have a heat attack.
He just doesn’t even know what to do with himself.
Everyone on the room, save for Colin, audibly gasps and that causes Penelope to add “I’m- I’m good now”, looking at the camera and fidgeting with her stupid cheap-looking penguin necklace that he heard Eloise teasing her about and figured was a birthday gift from her ridiculous excuse of a boyfriend. Seriously, the thing is not even silver anymore, more like copper already and it’s only been 2 months since her birthday.
Who, in their right state of mind, gifts their girlfriend a childlike necklace? Could not be him, but he supposes it fits the loser-vegetarian vibes of the Alfred Debling, even though he’s sure cheap plastic is not eco-friendly, penguin themed or not.
The short-circuit roller-coaster of emotions must be so clear on his face, prompting Penelope to say, “I mean- I’m joking”.
What is she joking about?
The part about moving on from him with Alfred Debling?
The part about liking Colin Bridgerton?
He had the confirmation of Penelope returning his feelings for all of 30 seconds and the possibility of her joking about it makes him want to throw up. Or maybe even throw himself off the nearest bridge. Or maybe throw himself in his childhood bedroom and never leave. He’s unsure he could have a greater purpose in life than to love a woman as magnificent as her.
If she wasn’t his Pen, he could be frightened at the notion. Afraid to love someone so entirely that it becomes his whole purpose in life. But then again, he’s certain there’s no Colin Bridgerton without Penelope Featherington.
He almost reaches for Anthony’s celebratory whiskey he keeps as a decoration in the studio.
Almost.
Or so he thinks he doesn’t reach for it, because his limbs suddenly feel heavier somehow and he has no spatial notion, feeling like he’s just regained conscious after being in a coma. Colin’s not sure if he even exists anymore, he has no power over his body movements.
He must have done something, because the audience, as if he can call the crew that, breaks into a fist of laughter and he does not know what to do, what to feel, what to think.
“WHAT?” he lets out in the highest pitched voice he has ever heard.
He does not recognize himself.
“Yeah, you heard me. The sky is blue, and Penelope has a crush on Colin. It’s always been like that”, she tells him, and Colin doesn’t miss the subtle change from past to present. She didn’t say she had a crush on him, now she’s saying she has a crush on him, as an action that’s still ongoing.
Unfortunately, his brain can’t seem to form cohesive sentences, as he struggles to understand the (apparently obvious) fact that Penelope not only likes him but has liked him for some time.
“Wait, what?!” Colin’s sure he’s said that before, but the problem is he cannot stop.
“WHAT?!” he thinks he asks when she remains silent, he’s not sure the noises coming out of his mouth are even human.
He’s so tired of not knowing what to do so he simply gets up, jumps over the table separating them and kneels in front of her.
Oh, he can feel the disapproving looks from Agatha, who’s not even physically there with them at the studio. She will be so pissed at him for screwing up the first round of lives and essentially standing in a position the cameras can’t even catch his face, but he’s desperate and he just needs to understand.
“Penelope, what are you saying?”, he all but demands. His knees are still on the ground as his hand reach for support on her thighs, and he takes a moment to stare at her beautiful blue eyes.
And, oh, what a lovely set of eyes she has. It’s one of his favorite things about her (arguably her as a whole is his favorite thing in the world, but he particularly likes how her eyes seem to light up brighter for him) (or maybe he’s just delusional) (at this point he’s not quite sure what he always saw reflected on the two blue pools was just a product of her kindness or something else entirely).
“I panicked, okay? We kissed and the cake was not really meant for me, and I thought ‘He has no interest, this is so embarrassing’. The fight with El was about you. She found out about my stupid decade-old crush and thought I was using her friendship to get to you, ignoring the fact that we met first, of course-”
“I had no clue at all” his voice is muffled and anguished. The audience possibly doesn’t hear him, but Penelope does. In doing so, she melts, he has one hand on her thigh and another covering her fingers that started to trace caresses down his face.
She wishes she could show him through her eyes. Make him see that it’s always been him for her. Most of all she really would like to kiss him again, and he seems to want that just as badly, but before she gets to the chance to, she hears Alfred’s voice as he screams “ENOUGH!”