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Sunghoon rolled the crushed velvet box around on his desk. The clock in his room marked it was 2pm, a few hours before Sunoo was going live for his annual birthday stream. If he wanted to do this he needed to do it now. He couldn’t keep the box for another year. It had already been too many. His lips were chewed red and raw from his nerves.
He rolled the box again, the soft material doing nothing to calm the storm in his chest but the feeling of the fabric seemed to quiet some part of him that desperately wanted to run away. Sunghoon didn’t do stuff like this. He didn’t feel things like this. But pretending wasn’t getting him anywhere. And he knew it was now or never.
Sunoo sat against the door to the roof. The slight overhang of it sheltered his upper half from the rain but his lower half was still being subjected to the water that was soaking through his blue pajamas.
It wasn’t often that it didn’t rain on his birthday. Today was no exception it seemed. Yet, for some reason this year it felt personal. He hadn’t even realized it had started to rain until he noticed the liquid creeping up his thighs. But still, he was grateful that the rain at least was warm and not freezing like it had been on some years.
It had taken him a while to notice when exactly the weather had changed. Too busy lost in thought as he contemplated the last year of his life. Nothing had really changed. That’s what bothered him the most. The fact that his life was simultaneously going as fast as possible while he still stood frozen in time. Despite how much of his youth he was wasting.
He didn’t have time to see his friends, he’d never had a boyfriend, he saw his family a few times a year if that. And none of this was going to change any time soon. He would remain stuck with his feet standing still as he let himself be manipulated like a doll into different outfits, new makeup looks, new lyrics and new dance moves flowing out of him with ease, with perfection. Things he prided himself on.
That was all Sunoo could pride himself on it seemed. He had nothing else. Sure, he had his members, and that honestly fulfilled him quite a lot. They loved him and he loved them. They held him close, they didn’t shy away from him. They took care of him, each in their own ways. And he was grateful.
But no matter how much time he spent with them, he couldn’t rid himself of the loneliness that had settled into his bones like calcium. Yes, he loved their affection. Yes, he craved the feeling of their arms around him and the warmth they provided. But it wasn’t enough.
Sunoo wanted to be loved. Really loved. Not that they didn’t love him but he wanted someone to look at him like he was greater than the Earth and the whole solar system combined. Someone who would treat him like glass and spoil him rotten. Someone who could keep their arm wrapped around him for as long as he liked. Which was a long time.
But he still didn’t regret his decision to become an idol. Even if it meant he would have wishes that would never be fulfilled. It was worth it. It was always worth it. But couldn’t he let himself be sad about the life he would never be able to lead? At least today? On his birthday. What was that English lyric… “It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to”?
Well the crying could come later, for now he just wanted to look out at the skyline and the rain hitting his toes while he pictured waking up in someone’s arms. Someone who loved him.
Sunoo wasn’t in his room when he knocked. He had watched him long enough to know where he would be.
Sunghoon took the stairs. Even though it was 9 flights to get to the roof. He hoped the exertion would tire him out enough to be able to say the lines he had written down three years ago and yet never spoken out loud. He didn’t even have the sticky note he had first scrawled them on, why would he? He had repeated the words around in his mind like ping pong balls. He didn’t think he would forget them even 60 years from now.
He still stalled when his hand gripped the door handle. He really really wasn’t good at this. There was a reason why he hadn’t brought anything up for years. Sunghoon preferred actions over words. But he couldn’t really claim that when he couldn’t even open this fucking door.
He turned the handle, pulling the door open quickly so he could rip the bandaid off.
Sunoo’s back hit his legs as he stared up at him.
“Sunghoonie-Hyung?”
Quite literally the last person Sunoo would expect to find him on the roof. He was vaguely aware that maybe he should be apologizing as his wet clothes were probably touching his pants but the confusion of suddenly keeling backwards onto someone had not yet left him.
Sunghoon mentally swore at seeing Sunoo up here barefoot, pants soaked and eyes staring at him blankly. Although he supposed it was better than seeing them glassy and red.
“Sunoo, why are you sitting in the rain??” Sunghoon reached down to tuck his hands under his armpits as he pulled him up gently.
Sunoo jumped at the sound of the heavy door shutting behind him.
Sunghoon didn’t wait for an answer as he took his cool hand and tugged him toward the elevator.
“Hyung, we can take the stairs.” Sunoo offered, not wanting to risk being seen like this and implicating Sunghoon in the process.
“You’re not walking down 9 flights barefoot.” Sunghoon said as he jammed his thumb against the button.
Sunoo stared at his feet, the flecks of blue nail polish were just barely hanging on after he had painted them a few weeks ago.
“But I walked up them like this.”
Why was Sunghoon even here? And what did it matter to him? What did he need on the roof? Had he taken up smoking?
“What were you doing on the roof?”
“Looking for you.”
Sunoo was confused. What could Sunghoon need with him on his birthday? They were past the years of giving out presents and they saved their interactions for when they would greet him during his live.
“Me?” Sunoo asked as they stepped into the elevator.
“Mm.” Sunghoon answered as he punched the number on for his floor.
Sunoo reached out to press his as well but Sunghoon’s arm stopped his.
“Just come with me to my room first, it’s closer and you’re soaking wet.”
Sunghoon felt like high fiving himself for the great excuse to get Sunoo to be alone with him.
Sunghoon rummaged in his drawers for a bit before handing Sunoo an armful of supplies and pushing him towards their bathroom.
“You can shower too if you want.” Sunghoon closed the door.
Sunoo looked at himself in the mirror. He looked like a drenched sky blue rat. Luckily his hair and face had been mostly spared.
He looked down at the collection of items in his hands. A towel, clean white socks, a long-sleeved t-shirt, waffle-knit sweatpants, and to his surprise, a pair of Sunghoon’s Calvin Klein boxers.
Much it shouldn’t be a surprise, Sunoo thought as he stripped off his pajamas and toweled off. It was probably weirder if he went commando or wore wet undies in his Hyung’s joggers.
Sunoo stifled a giggle, Sunghoon’s boxers were huge on him, he could probably just wear them as shorts at this point. His shirt wasn’t much better, coming down on him almost as far as the boxers did.
Boyfriend clothes…
Sunoo looked away from the mirror so he wouldn’t have to see himself start to turn pink like a ripening peach. They weren’t like that. They were friends. They were members. Sunghoon would do this for any of them. He wasn’t special. He took a breath as he opened the door again. He flinched a little because he wasn’t expecting Sunghoon to be waiting for him outside.
“Thanks for the clothes Hyung, I’ll wash and return them to you tomorrow.” Sunoo turned towards the door.
Sunghoon yanked him back, immediately realizing he used to much force as he let go of Sunoo. “Sorry! Sorry! I just wanted to ask if you wanted to umm.. Hang out? For a bit? Until your live.”
Sunoo stared at him. He and Sunghoon did not “hang out”. Sure, they were very comfortable with each other. There had never once been a moment where the silence between them felt awkward. Sunghoon was almost like air to him. Easy, freeing, safe, soothing. Sunghoon never made him question where they stand. There was no need for either of them to perform for one another. They could be themselves.
But that didn’t mean they were the type to hang out with just the two of them. Sure, with a buffer like Jake or Jay they would but it’s not like they were like Jay and Jungwon. Always attached at the hip and never without the other for a second.
“Hang out..” The words tasted weird in Sunoo’s mouth and he said it almost as uncertainly as Sunghoon had when he first suggested it.
Sunoo’s eyes narrowed as he took in Sunghoon’s somewhat uneasy expression. It looked a lot like how he would get before he needed to make a big speech in front of a crowd or cameras. He felt mildly curious and also somewhat intrigued at seeing him like this. It might be an opportunity to tease him as much as Sunghoon did because of how much he liked his expressions. Sunoo was getting better at understanding that as he watched him shift uncomfortably on his feet.
“Sure.”
Sunghoon sat on his desk chair next to the bed where Sunoo was sitting. The box was like lead in his pocket. And he felt like he was getting somewhat lightheaded. He had felt this way since he saw Sunoo step out of their bathroom in his boxers while the tips of his fingers just barely poked out of his shirt that was way too long on him. It was domestic… It was perfect… It just made sense to see Sunoo wearing his clothes like this. And now with him on his bed he couldn’t help but swallow nervously. Wondering if it was weird of him to go get a drink to sooth his suddenly dry throat.
“Do you,” Sunghoon had to clear his throat, “want a drink or something? Or a snack?”
Sunoo shook his head, tilting it slightly after so he could peer at Sunghoon’s weird behavior more. Sure, Sunghoon was weird in general. Hard to read, not because he was brooding or lost in thought but because most of the time when he zoned out he wasn’t actually focusing on anything.
Sunoo looked at the clock in Sunghoon’s room, there were still several hours until his live, what did Sunghoon have in mind when he asked him to hang out? Sunoo wracked his brains for the answer but no matter which way he looked at it none of them seemed to make sense.
“Hyung… did you.. need something or something?”
Sunghoon darted his eyes around the room, not knowing how to dodge the question. He looked down in shock as he saw his own arm betray him and pull the box from his pocket. His mind automatically filled in the words that should match, his body taking over to ease itself of the stress Sunghoon was subjecting to.
“I wanted to give you something.”
Sunghoon finally got the courage to move using his own control, wheeling himself closer so he could place the box on Sunoo’s bare knee. His fingers brushing the smooth skin as he pulled back. Well, he had gotten halfway, now what the fuck was he going to say?
He tumbled over the script in his mind as he struggled to start it, as if there was anywhere other than the beginning he should be starting from.
Sunoo picked up the box, flicking the top open. His eyes widened. He traced the sterling silver with his index finger, the metal was cool against his already cold hands.
“Hyung?” Sunoo looked up at him, Sunghoon was staring back at him like he was a lobster. As if he too was unsure of the contents.
Sunghoon cleared his throat, looking away from Sunoo’s innocently wide hazel eyes. Staring at his carpet, he somehow regained his voice.
“Sunoo, this is probably super confusing to you.” He snuck a peek back at Sunoo whose mouth was still open in shock, he nodded.
Sunghoon looked back at the carpet, “I just…” He took a breath.
Sunoo waited patiently. Unsure of the meaning of this gift but he could obviously tell that whatever Sunghoon was trying to say was coming from someplace genuine.
“It’s not for now.. It’s just an offer. For later. Even years from now. That’s okay with me. I just wanted to put it out there.”
Sunghoon ran his hand over the back of his neck, lightly pulling at the strands of hair to ground himself.
“That I would be waiting, if theoretically, and again, you don’t have to feel pressured or anything, and if you want we can pretend like this didn’t happen and you can still keep the rings obviously, I don’t even have the receipt anymore but I suppose if you really wanted to re-”
“Hyung,” Sunoo interrupted, not planning on saying anything but just needing to stop Sunghoon from rambling.
Sunghoon looked back at him, “It’s just, I know we’re idols and we’re constantly being watched but I just thought that maybe one day… we could wear these.”
Sunoo stared down at the rings again. “So, you’re asking me to marry you even though we’re not dating and you’ve never shown any inclination until now that you like me like that?”
Sunghoon panicked, shaking his hands in front of him rapidly, “No! NO! They’re not wedding rings, although I mean, if you’re open.. No, no, they’re promise rings. Just promise rings.”
Sunoo met his eyes again. “And what are we promising?”
Sunghoon sighed. “I’m sorry Sunoo, I know this must seem like it’s coming out of left field. Just forget it, you can go now.”
Sunghoon swiveled back around in his chair, he didn’t want to face Sunoo anymore. He couldn’t. God, he had spent years thinking of what to say and yet all he could muster was this.
Sunoo looked at his back and then back at the rings again. He took one out, holding it up to the light as he turned it around. Something caught in the light. He brought it closer to his face, inspecting it.
His name. Inscribed on the inner ring. He picked up the other, confirming what he already knew. He had both their names etched onto these simple silver bands. Sunoo’s chest felt heavy. He was confused. He slid the ring on his finger.
When did Sunghoon even figure out his ring size? Had he asked one of their coordinator noonas?
Sunoo held out his hand in front of him, turning it around in several directions. He took a breath and put both hands back on his thighs, rubbing them slightly for strength.
“I think I understand what you’re saying Hyung.. I’m just confused. I don’t know where this is coming from.” Sunoo licked his bottom lip. “But it’s not like I have any reason to say no.”
Sunghoon’s ears perked up, he swiveled his chair back around 180 degrees so he could look at Sunoo from the side.
Sunoo was staring blankly down at his hands, lost in thought.
“I just felt like if I didn’t say something now, I would lose you one day. And I know it wouldn’t be any time soon. But I knew that eventually our relationship was going to change. And I didn’t want that. I would regret it. I know I would. I know it’s selfish but I don’t want you to leave my side.”
There had always been something different about Kim Sunoo. He was Sunghoon’s exact opposite in almost every single way. And maybe that was why he smiled so much when Sunoo was around. Why he wanted to tease him so badly. But over time that overwhelming affection had turned into something else. It was different than the way he felt about other members. Yes, Jay and Jungwon were cute. He admired the fuck out of Heeseung and N-ki for their talent. And Jake was his best friend. But only Sunoo made him want to pet him for hours as he desperately tried to brush his hand off his head.
“Hmm..” Sunoo wondered out loud.
He turned Sunghoon’s offer over and over in his mind like he did Sunghoon’s ring in his hand. The metal clicking together with the ring on his own finger every now and then. He looked back up at Sunghoon. Staring at his figure, body turned away while his head remained fully focused on him.
They did something the two of them didn’t do very often. Made eye contact. Sunoo stared intently into his eyes, looking for some sign of this being a prank, not that Sunghoon would joke about something like this. But he saw no signs of insincerity, only determination. A clenched jaw that portrayed his nervousness. The way he tapped on his knees with anxiety.
Sunoo looked back down. “Have you really thought this through Hyung? I mean, what you’re suggesting. We wouldn’t be friends anymore. It would mean doing things..” Sunoo swallowed. “things that friends don’t do.”
Sunghoon watched him carefully. “I bought them three years ago, Sunoo-yah.” his voice got quieter, “I wouldn’t say this if I wasn’t serious.”
Sunoo’s attention was drawn back to the tapping of Sunghoon’s finger. “So you’ve thought of me like that then?” Sunoo’s eyes flicked back up to Sunghoon’s.
Sunghoon blushed immediately and looked away.
Sunoo didn’t need him to say it. But Sunoo hadn’t ever thought about Sunghoon like that. I mean several several times he had said that he was the most attractive out of all of them. And he had meant it. And when his sister teased him, asking him if he had to pick a guy, he always picked Sunghoon. But that was fun and games. He had never expected him to basically propose like this. I mean, earlier on the roof, he had basically begged for something like this to happen. But he didn’t think he would ever be granted that wish. Especially not when he had already considered Sunghoon to be someone that he would never have a chance with. Sunoo had never even thought about Sunghoon like this because he knew how pointless it was. Sunoo was an optimist, maybe not on his birthday, but he didn’t take it to extremes like this. And this was an extreme all right.
It was weird.
“This is weird.”
Sunghoon nodded. “Yeah, it kinda is, my bad.”
“It’s fine.”
And Sunoo did mean that.
“Hyung, I know you have come to terms with that in your own mind. I’m just, I’ve never– I mean, I’ve never thought about you like that.”
The thought pained Sunghoon even though he knew it was coming. “Do you want to try?”
“Try what?”
Sunghoon stopped tapping at his knee as he swiveled back fully to face Sunoo. “See if you like it or not. Thinking about me like that.”
Sunghoon stood up slowly until he was in front of Sunoo who was only looking at his knees. He took the other ring out of his hand, putting it on his own finger for safe keeping.
Sunoo looked up at him. His pulse quickened at Sunghoon’s intense expression, like he was thirsty. “Hyungie, I don’t… I don’t know about this.”
“Just try Sunoo.”
Sunoo’s eyes darted around the room.
“W-what should I do?”
Sunghoon wasn’t honestly sure but he was confident in his visuals. If he had learned anything about Sunoo it was that he knew that he thought he was attractive. All he needed was for Sunoo to trust him a little bit more.
“Can you lay down?”
Sunoo turned around to look back at Sunghoon’s bed. He nodded.
His movements were stiff, as expected. His limbs spreading out until he was laying on the sheets staring up at the ceiling. Hands clasped over his stomach. He shivered involuntarily, fuck, he should have worn Sunghoon’s pants. He was super exposed.
“You look like you’re already in a coffin, Sunoo lighten up.”
Sunoo choked back a laugh. “Is this it?” He shifted his head to look at Sunghoon who was unfortunately staring at him with his hands on his hips and an effortlessly amused look on his face.
“No.” Sunghoon placed a knee on the bed, Sunoo’s eyes followed the movement as he placed his hands beside either side of his head.
Sunoo stared at the ring on Sunghoon’s left hand. Pretending like Sunghoon was anywhere other than caging him in with his body. It was useless though, the smell of his cologne and aftershave mixed together threatened to choke him. He had never smelled Sunghoon up this close before, the added scent from the laundry detergent of his sheets were all combining to make him feel slightly lightheaded. He was a long way from the roof.
Sunghoon watched him with ample curiosity. He had pictured this moment so many times in his mind and Sunoo was so much cuter than he was expecting. Which he didn’t think was possible. His hands picked at his nails as he bit his lip, not looking at anything other than their pair rings.
He chuckled, “Sunoo, look at me,”
Sunoo reluctantly shifted his eyes little by little until he was looking back at him. Sunghoon’s eyes were kind on him, the earlier intensity still present but undeniably warm. It comforted something inside Sunoo. Something scared. Something small. And something else was twisting inside him from seeing Sunghoon above him. Something crawling around from the inside like a snake was messing up his guts. Knowing Sunghoon was only looking at him. The feeling was new and burning. It was like ants were alive in his veins. Sunoo thought he knew what it was. No, he was certain, but it only added to his uneasiness.
Sunghoon leaned down further but Sunoo’s hand on his chest stopped him.
Sunoo cringed when he saw the shock and hurt that flashed through Sunghoon’s eyes when he prevented him from getting closer. What hurt Sunoo more was how quickly Sunghoon replaced it with understanding and empathy.
“I’m sorry! I just–”
“You don’t have to apologize, Sunoo.” Sunghoon cut him off. “We can go at your pace.”
Sunoo tried to communicate with his eyes how he didn’t want to push him away but he wasn’t sure he was getting through.
“Sunghoon, I’m scared.”
Sunghoon pulled away slightly, moving to sit back on his heels and give Sunoo space. He repositioned himself until he was sitting on the edge of the bed with his back turned to him.
“It’s okay, Sunoo-yah. We tried. You don’t have to ever do anything more with me if you don’t want to. That’s not why I gave you the ring.”
Sunoo stared at his back. He reached his hand out slowly until he spread his fingers out against the fabric of Sunghoon’s t-shirt, clenching it lightly.
“I want to.”
Sunghoon turned to look at him over his shoulder.
“I can do more.”
Sunghoon stared at him inquisitively, eyes darting back and forth as he tried to pick out Sunoo’s emotions from his expression. He looked nervous but Sunghoon could tell he was serious. Sunoo meant it. And Sunoo never lied.
Sunoo sat up then, breaking eye contact as he crossed his legs.
Sunghoon’s eyes widened as he saw Sunoo take the ring off.
“I don’t want this.”
Sunghoon’s palm opened automatically as Sunoo dropped it in. It felt so much heavier in his hand that it should have.
Sunoo stopped him from spiraling as he saw Sunghoon’s eyes start to color with turmoil.
“The promise ring, I don’t want it. I don’t want to promise anything.”
“Sunoo? What do you —”
“I don’t think I want to wait.”
Sunghoon’s brow shrouded in confusion and then understanding. “Mhmm..” He nodded, letting his thoughts come up to speed, “Are you sure you want this?”
Sunoo nodded. “I am. And I know I said I didn’t want to wait. And that’s true. But Hyung, I’ve never done anything like this before. That’s why I stopped you. It’s not that I wouldn’t let you,” Sunoo missed how Sunghoon cringed as he said that. “I just got nervous.”
Sunghoon kicked his legs around until he was facing Sunoo, mirroring his cross-legged position.
He took Sunoo’s hands in his own.
“We have all the time in the world, Sunoo-yah. I’m not exactly a pro at this either.”
Sunoo nodded, he wanted to say, “that’s why you didn’t say anything to me for multiple years despite apparently pining for me.” but the teasing could come later. And it would.
“We can figure it out together. I’m not in a rush. You don’t have to “let me” do anything. I’m not asking anything from you. Not until you want it. Really want it. I wouldn’t suggest the promise ring thing if I wasn’t prepared to wait for several years even just to hold your hand.”
Sunoo giggled.
Sunghoon looked sheepish suddenly, “but do you really not want the ring?”
Sunoo laughed out loud, taking the ring from his hand and slipping it back on his finger. He flopped back against Sunghoon’s sheets and Sunghoon joined him a second later.
Sunoo turned to his side. It was already getting easier for him to treat Sunghoon more like a lover than a member. Sunoo closed his eyes. I guess it makes sense. Maybe it wasn’t that before he was comfortable with Sunghoon as a friend. He was just comfortable with Sunghoon.
He giggled, Sunghoon stared at his closed eyes with love in his own. Sunoo opened his slowly, grinning back at Sunghoon. He wiggled his fingers at him, “what will our fans say about our new matching rings?”
Sunghoon smiled even wider at him, eyes turning into crescents, “that I broke up with Jake.”
Sunoo hit his chest, scowling at him but it didn’t last long until he was laughing alongside him.
Sunoo’s live was so much easier with his heart lighter. He felt fulfilled. He felt loved. In every way. From his members. From Sunghoon. From the people online who loved him. Next year, even if it rained, he knew that when he went to sit against the door he would undoubtedly be joined by another.
Sunoo giggled with his fans often, smiled as he read the nice birthday haikus the members had made for him. Greeted them with a huge grin when they appeared on camera. Ate his mint chocolate cake that the staff had prepared for him. And when Sunghoon left him, cheekily pressing a kiss onto the top of his head, Sunoo closed his eyes, leaning into it.
He had to cut the live a few minutes later when no one could move on from what they had witnessed. He didn’t blame them. And he knew that as soon as he turned it off Sunghoon would be waiting for him. Just like he would have for as many years as Sunoo needed until he would love him back.
Luckily for him, loving Sunghoon back was just as easy as breathing in the air that enveloped him almost as well as Sunghoon did.