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Joshua pours a glass of whisky and downs it like he has troubles that he needs gone, like he wants to forget something. Seokmin trails his fingers up his back, and the older man snaps his head around to glance at him, laughing tipsily. Seokmin feels like his brain is short-circuiting with every minute that passes. Joshua Hong has that kind of effect on people.
When Seokmin was eight years old he learned how to play baseball for the first time, his dad a big fan. That could be considered a special moment— one he won’t forget. One he hasn’t forgotten, but meeting Joshua has to be at the top of his list when it comes to pivotal moments. Meeting Joshua was like a burst of color in a world full of greyscale and imaginary hues. Pathetically life-changing to him.
“Hyung?” Seokmin snaps his head around trying to identify the voice that just called out to him, he was already tipsy, probably. It was Mingyu. “Can you pass me a napkin?”
“Oh, yeah, here,” Seokmin says, handing the napkin to an awaiting Mingyu. If he noticed Seokmin drilling holes into Joshua’s head with his eyes he didn’t say anything. Seokmin turns his attention to the TV screen in the bar, trying not to be too obvious that he wants to take Joshua home. He met Joshua at a bus stop, funny enough. That isn’t a particularly memorable spot nor extraordinary, but he remembers it like it was yesterday. Joshua in a white winter jacket with brown fur lining and a wavy perm, that same Joshua with the cute nose and perky lips only younger and less confident.
Seokmin tugs on his bottom lip trying to focus on the conversation he’s supposed to be having with Minghao and Seungkwan but it’s impossible to focus. He peers over at Joshua who’s booming with laughter at something Jun said, probably another dad joke or a pun. His eyes are all watery and his face is red. Joshua’s hair is much shorter, cut and was bleached but now it’s back to a light brunette. He still looks the same. He’s still the same Joshua.
The first week of being on Broadway came easily and Seokmin flourished on stage under the lights. Joshua came and he sat beside Jeonghan near the front of the stage. His section was dim but he still lit the entire room. Joshua always wanted to be a singer in Los Angeles, able to live in the comfort of his own home but flourish in the City of Angels. L.A is where all the fun shit happens. He hasn’t achieved his goal yet, but there have been a few times when Seokmin caught him singing, he really does sound like an angel. He makes eye contact with Joshua across the table and nearly fumbles the chopstick in his hand. The older man turns his head away and presses a glass to his lips. Seokmin pretends it doesn’t hurt that he’s avoiding him.
“Need a ride home?” Seungcheol suggests, raising a glass of beer and clanking it with his. Seokmin shakes his head. He’s hoping to meet Joshua tonight. Hoping isn’t a promise, and Joshua Hong’s full of surprises.
“Nah, I’m fine. You go ahead.” Seokmin replies with a tight smile. He’s nervous. Seungcheol gives him a questioning stare but doesn’t push as he stands up and pushes his chair under the table. Jeonghan and Chan follow him outside and Seokmin stiffens as Joshua finally steals another glance at him. He can tell he’s still angry and it’s rare he becomes that way, Seokmin really fucked up this time. He purses his lips and forces himself to lean over the table and whisper.
“Hey, could we talk?” Seokmin whispers, and Minghao seems to catch it and furrows his brows in bewilderment, most likely wanting to be nosy. Joshua glances around the table as if he wants it to be a secret and then faintly nods. Seokmin would’ve missed it had he blinked.
Joshua stands up, the chair making a harsh squeak like a loud alert symbol screaming ‘I’m meeting Seokmin!! is going off. Seokmin winces but luckily no one bats an eye, Minghao is too bored with them to care, Vernon is spaced out, and Mingyu is too busy bickering with Seungkwan. Joshua starts to move and Seokmin is nervous he’s going to fall with how much weight he’s bearing on one foot, wobbling slightly.
“Need any help?” Seokmin asks with genuine concern. Joshua shakes his head finally circling around to his direction. They walk outside and Joshua pulls out a fancy lighter with a Saturn symbol engraved into it and a cigarette. He doesn’t know when he started that habit. Joshua’s hands are shaky as he struggles to light his cigarette, flimsily flicking the lighter. Seokmin would laugh, but it’s not funny because Joshua’s angry and wasted out of his mind. Angry at him.
“You wanted to talk,” Joshua says after finally getting the cigarette to burn. He blows a puff of smoke out and Seokmin resists the urge to cough.
“Yeah,” Seokmin responds. “Yeah, uh— about the other night… why’d you walk out on me?”
Silence. He feels like he’s smothered with the humid summer air and these harsh loafers which aren’t at all fitting to his style and make his feet sore against the pavement. They’re way too thin, seriously.
“You mean why did I walk out on you after we had sex and you bombarded me with your feelings?” Joshua asks. Seokmin swallows at his cold tone of voice and he wonders how many drinks and how many cigarettes Joshua had tonight.
“I’m not asking you to reciprocate, but you have to know that was shitty.” Seokmin blurts. He can already feel the anger rising to his cheeks and Joshua's expression is so— icy. They started hooking up a few months ago when Seokmin got back into theatre acting and stress was taking a toll on him. Joshua agreed because he’s Joshua, he’s a doll to everyone he meets and he’s probably just as stressed.
“I know.” That's all that says in response. He tugs the cigarette closer to his lips and pulls his sweater closer which is ironic since it’s blazing outside. Even though the stars are out and the moon is present.
“Yeah,” Seokmin says dumbly. “I hope so.”
Joshua sighs, his expression is one locked in a daze and his glossy eyes shimmer so brightly you could find him in the dark. Seokmin feels defeated. “What do you want? Another night of pretending this is casual and you don’t want me? Is that it?”
“No,” Seokmin replies. His head is spinning with how overwhelmed he is and he shouldn’t have ever opened his mouth. “Just let me take you home and make sure you get a good night’s rest. I don’t want you toppling onto the concrete.”
“Seokmin,” Joshua hiccups. “I don’t want you watching over me and being all sweet just because I’m upset.”
“That’s not why I’m doing it.” Seokmin retorts.
Joshua rolls his eyes, not believing the fib. “It is, cut the crap. I’ll call a taxi.”
“I’m not losing you,” Seokmin speaks up. “I’m not losing you over a pathetic argument, you’re too good for that and I’m too sensitive not to care.”
“Just—” Joshua huffs, waving his hands in the air in frustration, cigarette still in his hand. “Just please no more arguments or questions tonight.”
“Okay,” Seokmin responds.
“Okay,” Joshua repeats, smashing the end of the cigarette bud on the brick wall and stomping on it with his heel.
“You want to say goodbye to the guys?”
“They probably already know we’re leaving,” Joshua replies. Seokmin won’t argue with that.
♡
“Do you need water? A blanket?” Seokmin hovers over Joshua, the older man swatting him away.
“Stop it, I’m fine Kyeom.” Joshua rasps. Seokmin licks his lips staring at Joshua like a deer caught in headlights, right. No questions, no helicoptering Joshua. He can take care of himself.
“You uhm— are you still mad at me?” Seokmin questions dumbly. Joshua sighs, shaking his head.
“I’m not mad, I never was mad.” Joshua emphasizes, pooping a pill to ease his headache.
“You seemed pretty mad,” Seokmin replies. “You kind of jumped out of my bed and darted toward the door.”
“I didn’t dart out the door— I’m not mad at you.”
“Do you want coffee? Helps with sobering up.” Seokmin offers. He already starts the coffee maker without hearing Joshua’s response. Joshua has one of those old coffee makers that you have to actually use coffee grounds for and put into a filter instead of popping a pod in and watching it drain.
Joshua shakes his head. “Dokyeom, what are you doing?”
Seokmin pauses, holding the filter in his hand that he got from the top of Joshua’s cabinet. “Huh?”
“You don’t have to take care of me,” Joshua says. “I’m not your responsibility. I’m fine and I made it home.”
“I know,” Seokmin replies, shifting the coffee grounds into the filter. He places the spoon into Joshua’s sink with a little clank and turns around slowly. “Do you want me gone?”
“No,” Joshua clears his throat. “Of course not, you know I don’t care, but don’t do it because you… you know.”
“Because I love you?” Seokmin raises his brows. He finds Joshua’s efforts to push him out funny. “I’d love you regardless, even if you never got into my bed and pushed me into a wall of unbearable attraction, I still love you. You’re my best friend before anything.”
Joshua stays quiet as he looks blankly across the room. “Okay.”
“Don’t get all awkward about it, it makes me feel awkward.” Seokmin chuckles. He hands Joshua a coffee and sits down on the couch beside him.
“You’re already awkward, prancing around my kitchen making coffee.” Joshua stifles a laugh, bringing the mug to his lips. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Seokmin says. He bites his lip staring at Joshua through the corner of his eye.
Joshua yawns sleepily. “I have a project due tomorrow.”
“And your best solution was getting drunk instead of finishing it?” Seokmin questions.
“Don’t judge me.” Joshua frowns.
“I’m not,” Seokmin whispers. “It’s for your ceramics class right?”
“Yeah,” Joshua clears his throat. “It’s fine, I’ll take the late points. It’s small anyway, it won’t take long.”
“You haven’t started?”
“I did but I don’t like it.” Joshua specifies. He takes another sip of the coffee, the caffeine seeping through his body.
“I can’t see?” Seokmin chuckles, pouring some water into one of Joshua’s dying plants. He doesn’t know what to do with his body, nervously pacing.
Joshua watches him water the dying orchid, the roots overflowing the pot. “I need to put it in a bigger pot.”
“My Eomma has a bunch of extra plant pots.” Seokmin responds. “I could grab you one.”
“That’s okay, I’ll just buy one,” Joshua replies. He stands up, taking his coffee mug to the sink and cleaning the counter off. Seokmin notices how messy Joshua’s apartment is— not messy in the sense that things are strewn everywhere but there’s little details that display Joshua’s stress. The dead flower, the physics books littering the table, a half finished canvas, and a smudge of paint on the carpet. Seokmin hates to feel as though it’s his fault for making Joshua so anxious.
“If you’re sure,” Seokmin calls out. He turns around to face Joshua who is pulling his shirt over his head and replacing it with a grey tank top. Seokmin watches him pull it down, straightening out the fabric and tousling his short hair to the side.
“Are you still seeing that girl?” Joshua asks, adjusting the little cross necklace around his neck. Seokmin purses his lips.
“Yun Hee? What do you mean seeing her? You make it sound like we’re exclusive.” Seokmin jokes.
Joshua raises his brows. “Are you?”
“No,” Seokmin shakes his head, turning serious. “Far from it.” He doesn’t know why Joshua’s asking, he shouldn’t be asking. He shouldn’t care at all because they aren’t exclusive either.
“Well, I was just curious. She seems nice.” Joshua clears his throat feigning nonchalance but he resembles a lost doe instead. Seokmin is unable to process his emotions or read between Joshua’s lines.
“She is.” Seokmin replies flatly. He resents Joshua a little, not him himself but his inability to be upfront with his emotions. It would be so much easier if he wasn’t stubborn, if he’d tell the truth instead of waiting for everything to collapse until he can get it out. “Joshua, why are you being disingenuous with me?”
Joshua freezes. His eyes shut tightly as he sighs. He’s disappointed, of course he is. Seokmin promised him no more interrogations about this. “I’m not,” Joshua retorts. “I didn’t say anything.”
“That’s the issue, you won’t tell me anything going on inside of your brain.” Seokmin responds.
Joshua scoffs. His eyes wide like how they are when he gets frustrated. He pushes Seokmin against the couch causing the younger man to gasp and he stares at Joshua with a look of disbelief. Joshua tugs him closer and his lips are meeting his and Seokmin would melt into it if it wasn’t confusing and distressing all the same.
“Stop,” Seokmin orders, pushing him away. Joshua stares at him with a mix of anger and hurt. He doesn’t know why he’s acting this way. He wants to get through that thick skull of his that this isn’t pretend and it isn’t a fantasy for him to wander carelessly around.
“What? I thought you were into me?” Joshua tilts his head to the side.
“You’re not completely sober yet, and I’m not interested in having a cascade of angry sex with you Joshua.” Seokmin sighs, his throat closing in. “I love you does not mean I love you only for sex.”
Joshua sinks down. He has that same lost gaze and desperation in his eyes. It’s only until Seokmin frustratedly sighs and snaps his head back into the older man’s direction that he realizes he’s crying. Mellow tears and whisky induced helplessness. Seokmin hates that.
“Joshua—“
“I just—“ He chokes. Seokmin rubs his back in comforting circles hoping to ease his troubles.
“Yeah, yeah, I know. I knew when you had that same starry look in your eyes you have now at Mingyu’s party.” Seokmin smiles softly, glancing up at the ceiling trying to recall when he noticed. “And you were really giggly that night. Seungkwan said that you kept talking about me. Although, I think I really knew when you came to my show.”
Joshua glances away timidly, biting his lip. His tears were dried up and seemed to be getting a little more sober. “So you knew for a while?”
“Yeah. I knew you wouldn’t be honest with me if I asked you so I promised myself not to get my hopes up. I’m sorry.” Seokmin says.
“For what?” Joshua asks.
“I went against your wishes,” He chuckles dryly. “I’m sorry for pushing you.”
“You didn’t,” Joshua scoffs. He has those wide eyes and a scowl on his face warning Seokmin that he’s annoyed again. “I did this myself. Don’t put words in my mouth. You didn’t push me.”
“I’m sorry, sorry.” Seokmin sighs breathily. “So… I love you too?”
“I know, idiot.”
“And not just for sex,” Seokmin says pointedly. “So no more hiding and running away from me. Got it?”
“Yeah, I’ve got it.” Joshua sighs, his grin widening. “You’re silly.”
“Silly?” Seokmin asks, confused.
“You never back down.” Joshua huffs. “It’s not fair.”
“A man can be destroyed but not defeated.” Seokmin sticks his tongue out teasingly.
“Love you…” Joshua sighs, slumping down on the couch.
“I love you too.” Seokmin whispers, brushing Joshua’s bangs out of his face. They still had a lot to discuss but at least Joshua’s heart is open. Seokmin is patient enough to listen to it beating. Ready to paint his greyscale into colorful hues.