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Buck felt stupid in his suit, standing before the headstone unsure how to begin but he had taken time off, driven all the way here because he needed - not closure exactly - but another chance at a final conversation. An opportunity to say the things he didn’t have time to tell Bobby before he died. Now that he was here, standing before Bobby’s grave he was at a loss for words. Everything he wanted to tell Bobby about how things changed and how nothing will ever be normal again evaporate from his mind. All Buck is left with is the gaping hole inside him and his bad leg buckles from the grief hitting him hard.
Down on one knee Buck breathes in deeply, steadying himself and his thoughts, he feels - or imagines - Bobby’s hand on his shoulder. A quiet ‘take your time kid’ echoes through him. “God Bobby, I miss you so much.” Buck mumbles out running a hand over his face and settling into a cross legged position next to Bobby’s grave, disguising his unsteadiness as repositioning to a more comfortable position for the long overdue talk.
“I had so many things I wanted to say to you Bobby and now that I’m here I can’t remember a single one.” Buck chuckles shaking his head, why couldn’t he grasp the hundreds of thoughts he had in the endless hours, days, weeks and months since Bobby left them?
“I recently saw something about how to say goodbye to someone, about knowing what to say when you know they are dying. It was something like I love you, thank you, I forgive you, please forgive me.” Buck holds back the tears that have turned his vision blurry, unsure if he can continue without breaking down like he did in that lonely corridor.
Buck could’ve sworn the words ‘I’ve got all the time in the world kid, take your time’ surrounded him like a warm embrace.
“I didn’t get the chance to say any of that on the day, I didn’t have the time to process what was really happening I guess. So I wanted to come see you, to-to tell you those things and how much you meant to me, how much you will-will always mean to me.” Buck stutters out brushing the escaping tears away.
“You are the father I alway wish I had and I love you Bobby. Thank you for giving me more chances than I probably deserved. Thank you for teaching me, thank you for guiding me, thank you for always being there when I needed someone.” Buck lets a small sob out as he draws his knees up to his chest, hugging them to him for comfort and shaking his head. He can do this.
“I forgive you Bobby. I forgive you for not telling anyone earlier that you were infected, I understand why. All the reasons why and I forgive you for leaving us all. And please forgive me Bobby, forgive me for all the times I was an immature jackass. All the times I did something idiotic that gave you grey hairs, for all the times I let you down. Please, please forgive me.” Buck sobs out burying his face into his knees, not caring that his suit is getting dirty and snot is now on his pants.
A warm hand squeezing his shoulder makes Buck cry harder. He misses Bobby, he still has so much more to say but the words are drowned out by his cries. He lets himself feel the grief he had buried in order to help Chimney through his survivors guilt. He lets himself feel the unfairness at Bobby’s death that he shoved down when Eddie exploded about how it felt getting that phone call. Buck let himself feel the agony of never seeing Bobby again that he had hid behind trying to be everything that everyone else needed in the wake of the unexpected tragedy. Buck let all those come to the surface, the anger, the grief, the denial, the bargaining it had all been simmering below the mask that he only let one person see.
Buck’s cries grew quieter and the months of grieving left his body. He wasn’t quite at the acceptance stage -yet- but he was doing a lot better. A soothing kiss placed on his temple has Buck looking up into familiar and understanding blue eyes.
“I’m sorry baby, I couldn’t stand back and watch you cry alone.” Tommy said, uncaring that his own suit was getting wet and dirty by the grass as he knelt beside Buck. “I can go back over there and wait if you want to talk to Bobby some more.” Tommy offered, his hand rubbing comforting circles on Buck’s back.
“No that’s ok. I want you here, you can help me update Bobby on what’s been happening back home.” Buck replies relaxing into the warm, strong embrace being offered. “I need you here to corroborate that Maddie and Chim really named their son after Bobby, I don’t think he would believe me otherwise.”
“Whatever you need from me, you know I’m here.” Tommy chuckles and settles in beside Buck to fill Bobby in on all the gossip, taking Buck’s hand. Tommy brings Buck’s hand to his mouth and kisses it. Smiles as his boyfriend begins to explain to Bobby all that has transpired. Winces and then blushes at the way their reunion is described “Evan, Bobby doesn’t need to hear all the details!” Tommy mumbles hiding his red face in Buck’s neck.
A ghostly chuckle shakes the nearby trees as the two men lean on each other for support.
“Thank you Tommy.” Buck says after a long comfortable silence. “You were right, I just needed to talk to my dad.”
“Anytime, Evan. Anytime.” Tommy pulls Buck closer, needing that contact to keep himself together.
Quiet moments stretch out before them and as Tommy feels Buck start to slip into sleep he shakes him softly to start their trek back to the car. Buck places a hand on Bobby’s headstone, a goodbye, a promise to visit soon muttered too low for Tommy to distinguish.
Tommy would swear on a stack of bibles he hears Bobby’s call out ‘a word Kinard’ as Buck moves past him. “I’ll be a long in a sec babe, just need a moment.” Tommy says squeezing Buck’s hand. A questioning look from Buck and then a nod and Tommy steps up to the headstone. He feels a little silly being here alone - he just came to support Buck - and now he is staying because he realises he needs to say something to his former captain before he can move on.
“I know you are proud of Evan and how much he has grown up. I know you loved him like a son so I wanted to say thank you for loving him. Thank you for putting him on my path. Thank you for giving me the push I needed when I wanted to fly again. Thank you for everything Bobby. I promise to take care of Evan for as long as he lets me. I loved you Cap. We all did. Bye Bobby.” Tommy says the headstone feeling warm beneath his hand, like Bobby was there. Like Bobby heard and accepted that Tommy was good enough for his son.
‘You are good for him Tommy and he is good for you. Look after my boy for me, let him look after you too’ floats through Tommy’s mind and a tear escapes as he turns and hurries to catch up with his boyfriend. His future.