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Riku climbs the stairs to the second floor slowly. They now live in two different apartment units in a building: the leader has the youngest two with him and the other three, including Riku, share the other dorm. When they moved buildings and this was the concluded arrangement, Riku hated it with all of his being. But he couldn't possibly oppose the governmental decisions. If anyone was to go against the arrangement, it would be the leader. Sion could easily say something along the lines of "This will harm our teamwork, we need to stay together to bond and strengthen our friendship." and the company would consider another building. But Sion did nothing. Hell, he even looked excited about it. After all, this arrangement also provided them their own rooms. This was an amazing opportunity for a rookie group like them.
So they moved into their new dorms, with their own, lonely lonely rooms. See, Riku hated it, because he sought human interaction, and more importantly the warm touch of a loved one, at all times. The more people near him, the better the chances of getting hugged back. For about 19 years of his life, he was enveloped by the unending affection of his mother and sisters. He was used to getting kissed on the cheeks, being caressed like the little boy he was, and cuddled to sleep when he felt uneasy. Compliments and endearments were periods to his sentences. His heart had never felt anything but full of love and comfort. When he became a trainee, he suddenly lost a big part of his peace. He was lonely, surrounded by people who deemed him a rival, people whom he could not trust fully, people whom he could not attach to for fear of separation. Trainees came and went. Some stuck longer than others, but never long enough to hold his hand on the thorny path they were taking. He missed home, missed warmth, missed the feeling of knowing someone on the other side of the wall loved him wholeheartedly, missed being wanted in a person's life. So when he finally got to debut, while excited and ecstatic about his future career, he was mostly happy to finally have people who would stay, people who would be his.
He considered knocking or just texting Sion to open the door for him so he wouldn't wake the younger ones but then quickly remembered the passcode to their dorm. Wishing the "beep" did not startle anybody, he slowly sneaked inside. The dorm was completely dark and silent, given it was 2AM. Luckily he knew his way around here. He got out of his "outdoorsy slippers" and tip-toed towards Sion's room.
When he opened the door to Sion's room and saw him on his bed, so relaxed and oblivious, Riku felt like a total creep. Being in this position, basically letting himself into their house and his room, in total darkness, felt almost illegal. And what was he thinking, anyway? Was he going to get in the bed and cuddle his hyung? Was he going to sit on the chair nearby and watch his hyung sleep? Was he going to wake him up and scare him to death?
He hoped Sion would be up, like him. He hoped they would be insomniacs together. He hoped to find Sion in need of him as much as he needed Sion. But in cold reality, Sion was asleep, looking pretty much comfortable. Riku was the only one still awake and full of distasteful thoughts in the building, no, in the entire neighborhood. Complete darkness apart from the faint light of the streetlamps leaking into the room. Complete deadness of everyone but him. Not one soul to acknowledge his existence. Does he really exist when nobody sees him? Does he really cry out when nobody is there to hear it?
He wanted to be seen. He was being seen every day now, everywhere he goes, with every breath he takes, thanks to his occupation. But irrelevant people's attention didn't mean anything. He wanted to be seen by the people he wanted to see. He wanted to see inside of them, see their fragile cores, their own little worlds. And he wanted to exist in those sacred worlds the most.
He slid down to the floor by the door. He was indeed watching his hyung sleep now, like one of their stalkers. He knew this would make him so creeped out, Riku would be too. But he hadn't really thought about what he would do once he got here. He so wanted to be embraced, to be patted, but didn't know how to ask for it, not when people were not forced to love him.
"Hyung..."
He murmured into the silence. It wasn't even a call to actually wake Sion up.
"Hyung, are you sleeping?" Another meaningless question with no answer, only met with the beautiful way the older was breathing. Riku wondered how someone could even inhale and exhale so prettily while sleeping with a creeper in their room. But it was inevitable to be pretty for Oh Sion. Riku knew that much.
"I wanted to talk to you. Can you listen to me?" He asked one more time, in vain. If he really wanted to, he could wake him up. But breaking something so beautiful, the serenity of the prettiest boy, would be vicious.
He wished his object of attraction would magically wake up on his own.
He straightened his legs out on the carpeted floor. He was starting to feel a little cold—even though he was sensitive to heat—since he wore loose shorts only. He was almost sure he could get under the covers immediately once he got here. What he did not consider was being stuck at the front door to Sion's room without knowing what to do next.
"I can't sleep, hyung. I can't sleep because my mind won't shut up. I think about everything, over and over again. And I end up with different conclusions every time."
He was even whispering now and it didn't feel like the reason was not to wake Sion up. He was scared of the words coming out of his own mouth. His thoughts that he himself was yet to acknowledge, once left his mouth, would become his reality.
He only ever wanted to be loved. He didn't know love was conditional until he left his home.
He felt his eyes getting wetter and knew it was for the best if he left already.
"I am being a weirdo right now, aren't I?" He chuckled sarcastically, feeling like a total loser. "Sleep well, hyung."
He quickly got up and out of the room, closing the door with utmost care. Luckily he didn't disturb anyone. It was near 3AM now and they were to wake up in about 4 hours. The youngest babies especially needed the most sleep and care.
His bare feet on the parquet made the littlest noise possible while he passed by the kitchen to get to the main door. He was about to grab the door handle when he suddenly felt chills on the back of his neck, accompanied by the sound of a door in the distant opening.
"Riku?"
His heart was in his mouth. He was caught red-handed, even though he wasn't doing anything in particular. There was no reason for him to be here and now he didn't know how to explain why he was creeping out in the dorm that he wasn't staying in, in total darkness.
"It's you, right?" called the leader, holding his door open.
Riku considered just leaving the apartment without answering him. But quickly decided that would leave Sion even more scared than whatever this situation right now would do.
He turned around to face Sion, couldn't really tell if he was angry, anxious or sleepy by the way he sounded, couldn't really see his face either.
"Hyung, sorry I woke you up. I was just-"
"Come here." Sion was beckoning Riku, his face still not lit enough for Riku to see. But the non-judgmental tone of his voice, his arm extended with no uncertainty, inviting him in, made Riku instantly take a step back, towards the voice.
Sion knew Riku by his shadow. By the angles of his ankles on the floor. He knew the frequency of his whispers. He knew him from the way his dreams got brighter momentarily.
When they were face-to-face, Sion grabbed Riku's wrist, oh so delicately.
"Is everything alright? Did you need something? Can hyung help you?" His thumb was caressing Riku's inner wrist, on his cold veins. Riku was colder than usual, so much so that he couldn't help but let his fingertips climb up Riku's arm, to settle his palm firmly around his forearm. Whatever warmth he could give, he wanted to give him.
He didn't know, and Sion couldn't see, but Riku's lips trembled at the sincerity he was met with. Just one touch of his hyung let his caged thoughts inside his mind free. His surpassed feelings were now just under his skin, trying to break through. Sion didn't even show the slightest sign of annoyance. He looked almost relieved to catch Riku before he left in silence. His knitted eyebrows accompanied his eyes that were flickering between Riku's to understand. By the hold he had on Riku's arm, he gently pulled him towards the room, not quite inside yet in case he didn't want to come in. He wanted to let Riku know, that he was always welcome in Sion's space.
Riku took the tiniest steps forward. He felt like an intruder already, he didn't want to inconvenience his hyung anymore than this. But his freed emotions were moving him towards the warmth he sought.
"I... I couldn't sleep so I thought..."
"Yeah? Okay... Okay, let's get inside. You can talk to hyung. Or- or you can just stay silent too if you want to, you know? Hyung will be here beside you. Is that alright?" Sion found his other hand and pulled him inside, this time with determination. Even when he closed the door, he didn't withdraw his hand off him. Then he reached for the back of his neck, the insides of his fingers brushed over Riku's hair. His thumb pressed on the junction of his jaw.
Riku bowed his head, watching his toes. It was degrading to admit that even this little contact between them made him aware of his own existence in this bland reality. There Sion was, holding him, awake at the crack of dawn with Riku. The only two people alive at the moment.
Sion got in front of Riku to see his face. They did not bother turning on the lights, not when they were all alone in this part of time, everything and everyone else frozen. He grabbed Riku's head with both hands this time and tried lifting it so that he could look into his eyes. He was afraid of finding fear or despair there. He hoped this was a light-hearted occurrence, that Riku just couldn't sleep because of some physical problem.
When he managed to meet his eyes, with great effort, he could only keep it for a second before Riku averted his gaze. But it wasn't because he was embarrassed to look at Sion's pretty face. He was averting his gaze not to be found out. He was embarrassed to have these childish emotions, unworthy of sharing. He was itching to get them out, to be heard, but could not bear getting ridiculed because of them. He knew Sion wouldn't make fun of him in any way, not when they were this real, but he feared being perceived as a spoiled brat, an immature boy by him.
"Look at me for a second. Come on. No need to be troubled, it's hyung." Sion tried again and when it didn't work, he held his hand to walk them towards the bed.
A couple of steps and Sion successfully led them to sit on the edge of the bed. Riku had his hands on his lap, not uttering a word that could break the silence. Sion watched him carefully, treated him like a fragile piece of work to observe. One wrong touch, one wrong sentence said in the wrong tone could disturb the space in which Riku is fully himself and not trying to suppress his emotions. Sion gathered his legs under himself and turned his body right at Riku, even though Riku faced away from him. He was desperate to hear him out, to console him if needed, but he wanted Riku to take the step himself, not forced by the older.
Riku looked like he had no strength to even sit straight. Now and then, he parted his lips as if he was ready to pour his heart out, but he quickly backed away. Sion had never seen him like this before. Sure, they had moments where they were upset, they fought, they cried in pain, but he always knew how to approach him. Not this time. This image of Maeda Riku, looking like he completely shut himself down, like he had no remedy, like he is guilty of having emotions, shattered his heart. He felt useless, like a good-for-nothing pile of meat. Watching the loveliest, softest boy this hellish world could possibly raise break down in front of him and not being able to do anything.
"Talk to hyung..." He managed to say before he felt like words were getting stuck in his throat. He leaned his forehead to Riku's shoulder and reached with his right hand to his clasped hands. His fingers on Riku's hands were desperately trying to sneak between them.
Riku did not fight him. His palm surrendered to the delicate fingertips of the older. In the dark, their hands had no contrast between them, making them look like a solid ball of compassion. His eyes finally found Sion then.
Sion was there bare for him to see. His eyes spoke of the language Riku knew the best, even though it wasn't Sion's mother tongue. He was there, just as a boy, awakened from a feeling. A feeling, that he needed to wake up to be there for him. To hold his hand. To offer a haven. He might not have all the solutions but he was the aid. Riku knew he would find tenderness in his presence, that's why his feet brought him to Sion in the first place. Sion had tenderness so uncalculated, so his own... His voice would pour down Riku's skin like it was honey. Even when he said sweet nothings, for the third pair of eyes on them at all times to hear, it was always sweet somethings in their own gaze.
"Hyung..." He gulped, maybe from not using his voice for some time, maybe from trying to give himself time before he asked the most humiliating question. "Can I... sleep here?"
Sion couldn't tell if it was the faint light of the street lamp shining in his irises or if it was something else. Whatever it was made him look like he was a lost little boy searching for his mommy. He was still elated that he spoke even a few words.
"Of course, baby. You can have my bed. I slept for a few hours anyway."
"No, I... We can sleep together. Can't we?" He asked, embarrassed to the core. There it was, the trembling of his eyebrows. He was so scared of getting a negative reaction out of this that he missed the part where he was called a baby so gently. His eyes looked as if he would just break down if his one little request of sleeping together was to be denied.
And who was Sion to deny Riku anything, especially in such a delicate moment? He didn't say anything, just stood up quietly, grabbed Riku by his wrists, and made him get under the sheets with nothing but understanding in his eyes. "Thank you..." he muttered while getting cozy in Sion's bed. It wasn't the perfect bed for two people to sleep in, not at all. They knew they had to lie close, and they both sure knew, that it was what Riku wanted anyway—closeness.
Sion was timid in the way he occupied the remaining portion of the bed after. There was no way they could both lie on their backs, but Riku had already turned away from him to face the wall in silence. Sion still didn't know how to approach him correctly, if staying with him like this solved all of his problems, if it helped him calm his emotions.
His arm leaned against Riku's back, like the rock that he is to Riku. He wanted to reach out to him, to reach his clenched heart, unravel it slowly, to ground him, warm him, keep him safe and content, keep him loved.
If only the bridge was easier to cross. He thought as he watched the ceiling, had already devoted his sleep to Riku's. If only he didn't need to think about all the consequences... If they could live this moment only for what it is, without its before and after...
He peeked at Riku then. Saw a ball of a darling boy instead, curled up trying not to disturb his hyung, still not relaxed by any means.
If his restrain did not help Riku of right now then how could the Riku of after be grateful for what had not been? What was after if there was no now, what was the future without the present that would become its precious past?
He turned his body toward him, naturally breaking the only contact point they had in the process but getting closer anyhow. "Riku." he called and Riku felt his name travel on his skin until it reached his fingertips.
"It's alright, I'm just cold." He knew that he had already failed. It was impossible to fool Sion into thinking this was enough. It was never enough. And day after day, it was becoming even less enough. Deep down, he knew very well what he searched for in his hyung's proximity, something so familiar yet so foreign, walking on the shore of the thought itself was a sin. He didn't know how to ask for something without asking for too much after being starved for years.
Despite knowing Riku's usual sensitivity to heat, the prior feel of his cold skin convinced Sion enough to cover Riku tighter in the sheets. This, strangely, earned him a restrained sigh, not of relief but of frustration almost.
"Sorry. Did hyung do something wrong?" Sion was quick to apologize and ready to fix whatever he messed up. But Riku could never answer this question truthfully because his truth would be the wrong...
"No... Just..." He hesitated for a moment, voice so low Sion had to stop breathing to hear him. "Can you just... pat my back?"
All of Sion's anxiety eased away with this vulnerable plea shared by the pretty boy. He couldn't help but grin like the fool he was, because now he knew what Riku actually was searching for. Even if he didn't know what was bothering him, he could give him comfort the way Riku wanted. It was almost funny how he didn't come to the conclusion himself given the fact that everybody knew Riku loved to be babied. It was even funnier that Riku couldn't ask for it earlier and in a clearer way.
He simply hummed 'Sure' and got into a better position before he started stroking Riku's hair delicately. "You couldn't sleep, right?" His left arm sported his own head while fingers on his right hand brushed the soft locks of hair. "You needed strokes. Could have just said from the start, Riku-chan." The playfulness in his voice gave away how he felt so clearly, Riku had just a moment to fear before he took the deepest breath of the night. Sion's fingertips found the aches easily, Riku wanted them on his heart instead. He knew only his hyung could give him a piece of his own space just to make him feel better. If Riku wanted to be alone but not lonely, Sion would ground him with just a heartbeat near.
"You're so good, Riku. You're all right. It's all right." He switched to stroking his back with a firm palm and realized the boy was getting warmer already. He was proud of himself that he could finally comfort him. And if he could make him fall asleep soon enough, he'd be the proudest. "Hyung would do anything for you, baby." He whispered behind his ear.
Riku trembled with it. Being his hyung's baby, even when there were younger ones in the group, even when they were only a year apart, even when Riku was supposed to be a dependable hyung too instead of a baby. Just being object to Sion's affection and not having to share it with others was enough to make him feel light as a feather. Call him jealous, call him spoiled, call him childish, but it pissed him off from the start the fact that his one and only hyung was a hyung to the rest of them as well. It was hard to admit, but he was on a pedestal in Riku's life. Whatever Sion did, whether he was acting like a silly elementary school kid, or a lame teen, whether he was strict and mean in the practice room, saying harsh words, whether he was all cocky and disregarded him, Riku has never lost even a little bit of admiration for him. All of these looked so beautiful on Sion. His arrogance was delicious and his impolite words flowed too pretty in his ears.
Whereas Riku was just one of the many for Sion. Sion was his safest place but Riku wasn't the only one granted entry there. "You wouldn't." He blurted out with dark thoughts clouding his mind. Strokes on his back now burned, instead of being comforting.
Sion was stunned by those words. He knew they'd established trust and security between them. He knew Riku was sincere in every word he said and Sion was too, he only could hope Riku was aware of that but apparently he wasn't. His affection and admiration for Riku might have stemmed from their social positions as members, but the boundaries defined by it had long since been crossed. It was Riku who needed recovery and being away for months, but Sion was the one left behind to heal in a Riku-less complete chaos. Sion would do anything for him, just for Riku to stay healthy, positive, and happy. He would get scoldings to protect him from despair, he would endure physical pain instead of him, he would give up sleep for him to feel comfortable and be okay. If he wanted intimacy, he'd hold him close. If he wanted space, he'd watch him from afar and be the fresh air he needed. He felt almost betrayed by the distrust. Almost betrayed and almost angered. Riku was sick and had his struggles but he didn't know the gut-wrenching pain his void had caused on Sion. Riku did not know what it meant to be without Riku and how much it hurt. One day felt like years, he feared never seeing him again. He feared Riku would find peace without all of this, he would realize nothing and nobody was worth going through the hardships. He feared he wasn't good enough to hold onto Riku. While Riku was recovering, Sion was being wounded. His lungs only stopped bleeding once Riku came back, but the wounds would remain aching.
And Riku would never be able to understand it.
"Why do you say that?" He knew his voice trembled, his eyes were blurry and his hand had already quit the comforting strokes, he now held his side maybe a little too tight. He didn't want to add to Riku's troubles, not at all, but he felt wronged. Unknowingly he got closer, fully pressed to Riku's back. He wanted to be heard and seen. "Why do you say that, Riku? Did I do something to make you think I didn't care about you?" Riku did not respond, instead, he hid his face in the pillow. Everything to get out of this conversation. Sion's hand on his side reached out to his wrist, pulling him completely in his embrace. "Riku." He called directly into his shoulder that was under his lips. "What does that mean, Riku, please..."
By the way Sion was holding him, Riku had no way to move and nowhere to hide. Sion was holding onto him like a child whose most prized toy was being taken. He couldn't let this insecurity go without clarifying himself. "I would do anything for you, anything." Sion, in his vulnerable state, slid down the bed a little to end up with his forehead against Riku's shoulder blade now. His distress was reflected in how he couldn't stay still, his face was rubbing apologies on Riku's back, for something he couldn't even identify. "Hyung cares so much about you. How can you think otherwise?"
"Hyung." Riku choked out.
Sion, upon hearing his voice, lifted his head to try to see Riku's face. With his arm around his torso, he grabbed Riku's chin so that he could turn his face towards him. Riku didn't resist turning much. But Riku being Riku, even though Sion tried so hard to meet his eyes, looked anywhere but him.
"Tell hyung."
"It's because you're hyung that you care."
Sion was still in full panic mode, he needed to come clean about this no matter what. "I don't understand, Riku. Are you really questioning my care for you?"
"You would do whatever is necessary for your members. That's all. Because you are a good hyung." His voice was shaky and his words started piling up with no restraint. "You are a good leader, a good person! It's kindness and nothing more than that. You could not do anything more than being a good friend." He paused for a moment to look Sion in the eyes. "And I don't want you to act like you could just so you can fool me into momentary happiness." Riku bit out before he turned away from Sion once again.
But Sion was not having it. Whatever was going through Riku's mind was complete bullshit, and Sion said so before grabbing Riku by the shoulder to force him fully turn his body. Riku was shocked by this outburst, it was so unlike Sion, such an alien reaction out of him.
"I can't have you having these thoughts, pouring them on me without caring how I'd feel, then not listening to an answer and 'going to sleep'. Am I a joke to you?" Sion had already sat up to not suffocate while suppressing his emotions. "You are accusing me of being insincere, is that it? What more do you want than me being kind to you and treating you like a good friend? What is the problem here?"
Riku should have known Sion wouldn't get it and he himself wouldn't have the guts to say it explicitly. Now Sion demanded clearer answers that Riku couldn't dare give.
So he chose the best option he had. "You're being too dramatic, hyung."
Sion let out a helpless whimper, he felt trapped and there was absolutely no healthy way out of this. After being this vulnerable and this open for the past hour or so, this was a low blow from Riku. Maybe a way to divert the conversation but a low blow regardless. He did not deserve this, at all.
"You're having trouble sleeping, something clearly bothering you, you come to me to feel better but instead you act all distant and give those passive-aggressive responses, actually accuse me of not caring enough about you, then when I demand clarification to explain myself better you're dismissing me like... what? I'm too dramatic?" He scoffed because he was not acting any more dramatic than what the atmosphere in the room warranted. "You know when I was being too dramatic? When you were fucking gone. When you were gone, oh, I was so fucking dramatic. The person I saw as a pillar being sick and away. The source of my confidence suddenly missing and I need to stay composed, stay the same, lead all these people the same way as if I can just find it in me, as if nothing is wrong, as if my safe haven is not gone and I am enough. I was acting all crazy then, Riku, not now."
Riku quickly straightened up and threw the bedsheets on him away. He knew he hit a nerve but still could not entirely make sense of Sion's reaction. "Oh, you don't get to use my illness to prove your case! I was sick! I was hurt!"
"If you think only you were hurt, you're delusional. Do you think I even slept a night in peace while you were gone? Do you think I passed a night without thinking about you? If you were healing, if you were feeling better, if you were missing me."
"Why would that bother you so much when you have your other members to care about? I was home resting and you had your responsibilities. How is this my fault now?"
"It's your fault to think that when you're hurt nobody else is affected. But we are! I am!"
"Just be a responsible leader and don't let it affect you, then."
Sion could not fathom how the sweetest person on earth would say the most hurtful things he'd ever heard in just a couple of minutes. But perhaps the words themselves weren't that hurtful. Maybe it hurt that Riku had spoken them. "You are being unnecessarily mean and unreasonable. Is this the response to give when someone is worried about you? And even when you're accusing them of not caring much. What even do you want, then?"
"I want you to quit the act. Sure you treat me well but it's your job. It's all courtesy, and I'm grateful, really. Just quit acting like you care about me somehow any more than the others. It looks ridiculous." Riku had his head between his palms, looking at his lap and firmly massaging his scalp. He had completely lost control over what spilled out of his mouth. He tried and tried to push Sion's buttons, harder and harder, just to take the blame off of himself when their relationship gets damaged beyond repair. So that it would be a has never been possible.
Sion was hurt. His eyes trembled in pain, he had no strength left to raise his voice anymore. Devastated to take a look into Riku's thoughts, seeing the trust he thought they'd established crumble down, scared from now on to be honest and defenseless in front of Riku, disgusted by the image he had on Riku's mind... The reality was cruel when he least expected it. He, too, lowered his head, no longer needed to see the cold eyes.
Still, he reached to Riku's bare knee as a last resort, as the touch that would be his last passage to truth.
"How can you not see you're the most important in my life?"
"What do you mean?" Riku was intrigued enough to ask but overly determined not to be convinced.
"You know what I mean."
"I don't, hyung." And even if he knew, deep down, that he also felt the same way, he would never entertain that idea for fear of not being able to resist living a reality according to its reflections.
"You're being so unfair. You know that I want your happiness more than mine, to the extent that I'd trade my well-being for yours."
Why would you even do that? Couldn't ask Riku. He was already exhausted, both from not sleeping a wink and from this whole thing between them. "I want you to be well." He said instead.
"Can't when you're not." Sion was honest to his core.
"I want us to be well together, then." He held Sion's hand that was on his knee lightly, out of 'courtesy' that he so hated.
Sion tried seeing something in Riku's eyes. He needed an approval. An approval to pour his heart out and say whatever was left inside. He searched both of his pupils before he gave up. "Okay." He sighed. All of tonight's arguments, be it within himself or with Riku, felt insignificant. They were never going to take a step together. "Okay, we'll just be well together."
They both had their masked smiles on their faces. To disturb the delicate calm in the room would be a crime now. So Sion slowly got up from his position, once again to lie down on the bed. Riku soon followed.
"Can you still hold me?" He felt no shame whatsoever in asking. Because he knew after a few hours when they woke up, this would all be a dream that they wouldn't even think about. Because after a few hours, they'd wake up to an uninviting reality where their dynamic is completely damaged and changed for the worse. Because after a few hours, he would never ask Sion again for his unshared and unconditional love.
But they had a few hours.
Sion did not say anything, just turned towards Riku, wrapped his arms around him, and did not let him face anywhere but him this time. He kissed his forehead gently when he felt his embrace was returned.
He wished he could comfort Riku, even when he was the one causing his struggles.
Then he imagined a different life, a different timeline with the two of them. Holding each other to sleep just like this, without having to prove any intentions. Without questioning feelings. Just as two boys who wanted each other's company.
Imagined Riku coming to his room in the middle of the night, just to tell Sion to hold him, to kiss his eyelids, to inhale his scent. And Sion just doing them. With no urgency, no expectancy.
So he imagined that was what happened. He kissed the inner corner of his eye and tasted his dried tears.
He wrapped himself in a bubble of beautiful fantasy they were in for a couple of hours, away and hidden from the dreadful reality they would share outside.