Chapter Text
Sebastian Smythe hated himself. That was an established fact. But that day, he hated himself more than he ever did, because he had hurt the one person who actually cared about him at some point : Blaine Anderson. It was an accident, really. Sure, he wanted to scare him away by annoying his stupid boyfriend Kurt, but he never meant to actually, physically, hurt the dark-haired boy. He never would. So here he was, sitting on this bed, overthinking the situation. At first, he didn't realize that his music mix was still playing on his computer, but he had no choice than to recognize the chorus of Afraid by The Neighbourhood.
All my friends always lie to me
I know they're thinking
You're too mean
I don't like you
Fuck you anyway
The lyrics went straight to his mind while the memories got tangled in an emotional wave ; Sebastian closed his eyes, trying to get his head out of it, but the words had hit too close to home and were now controlling his thoughts. His heart was pounding way too fast as he slid on his bedroom's floor and he felt nothing but panic rising in his chest.
You make me wanna scream
At the top of my lungs
It hurts but I won't fight you
You suck anyway
You make me wanna die
Yeah, right. He never did have a great reputation, so the fact that Blaine's friends or McKinley's students hated him was neither a surprise nor a disappointment. But thinking that Blaine, his Blaine, one of the only friend he ever had, could hate him ? That he would probably never want to see him again ? That possibility nearly gave him a panic attack.
Sebastian had always done a really good job at pretending that he didn't care about other people's opinion about him, but somehow, Blaine broke that rule down. He wanted, needed Blaine to like him. He wanted to make him proud ; maybe because Blaine believing in him was the only hope he had left that there he was, deep down, a decent person. Unfortunately, that hope had vanished the previous day and Sebastian was now left alone and shattered.
He deserved this, he knew he did. After all, he was to one to act like an asshole, he was the one pushing people away. He was the one making other people suffer because he couldn't take the own pain that he inflicted himself everyday.
But Blaine – Blaine deserved none of that ; he had a pure heart and was probably one of the kindest person on Earth. His smile could light up an entire room and give warmth to the coldest hearts, and that's exactly what he did to Sebastian. The taller boy had wanted to stay away from him, too afraid to break that innocence, that light that he would never get back himself. Blaine never backed down. Maybe he saw what nobody else did, maybe he noticed the cry for help in Sebastian's deep green eyes. And maybe Sebastian himself understood that Blaine saw what was under that mask he was wearing, and got scared that someone could be that close to him. So of course he had to ruin everything.
Being me can only mean
Feeling scared to breathe
If you leave me then I'll be afraid of everything
In the end, he didn't even understand why he felt so upset, why there was a lump in his throat. After all, he had what he wanted ; Blaine had left.