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Dean’s not good at being affectionate.
At least not all the time and certainly not verbally unless he’s expressly euphoric about something or the other.
He’s just genuinely more comfortable with actions than words. He’s never thought that there was anything wrong with that per say.
Words, in his opinion, are constantly overused.
Every ‘I love you’ spoken seems tainted every single time it's said out loud.
It loses its novelty. Loses its impact.
But here Cas was, throwing a tantrum because Gabriel’s new boyfriend is nothing but flowery language, a bunch of horsecrap poetry and chivalry.
He doesn’t want to point out that this new boyfriend, Baltha-whatever, flirts with anyone and everyone and basically never means anything he says unless he’s asking Gabe for a quick fuck in the bathroom. Frankly, Gabriel’s just in it for the sex.
“Why can’t you be more like him?!”
He tries not to flinch and just stares at the beautiful man in front of him, tucking away that wound into the back of his mind where he hopes if he ignores it long enough, it would go away.
He asks him if he’s serious and Castiel hisses at him.
“What do you think?!”
So he says the only thing he can say.
Okay.
And then he wonders whether he’s just teaching his boyfriend a lesson when he leans down and presses a soft kiss against his mouth.
I love you.
He wonders if this time…he means it a little less.
$
It isn’t as if Castiel doesn’t love Dean with his entire being.
Scratch that.
Castiel’s pretty sure he loves Dean more than anyone or anything in the entire world.
But the thing is? Dean has this tendency of making Castiel feel like he’s begging the other for attention. Like he needs to perform magnificent tricks in order to get Dean to tell him that he loves him.
He knows, realistically, that this isn’t true. He knows that Dean says those words when he needs to hear them the most and spends the rest of the time showing him how much he means them, but sometimes he wishes for more.
He can’t help if he wants Dean to give him everything.
He can’t help it if he’s just a little jealous of the relationship that Gabriel has with Balthazar, who always showers Gabriel with words of love and waits on the man hand and foot.
Castiel has to suffer through endless hours of watching them together and he’s frankly had enough.
He decides to take it out on Dean instead.
He doesn’t remember much of the argument, in all honesty, just this overwhelming roaring in his ears until he shouts out words he’s not entirely sure he means while Dean stares at him, face carefully blank.
When his boyfriend of six years says okay and kisses him lightly on his mouth with a soft ‘I love you’, Castiel’s too stunned to move.
He isn’t sure whether what he’s feeling is relief or a deep-rooted apprehension.
$
Dean has these dreams sometimes, where Cas has got his hands on his throat as he presses him into their bed.
“Tell me you love me.”
And Dean does, because he’s afraid he’ll never be alive to say it when he really means it.
He wakes up trembling and gazes down at Cas, lifting a cold hand to brush away the hair from his face.
He traces a lone finger down Castiel’s nose and wonders why words are so important to him, when words are nothing but empty promises and lies to Dean.
No one has to be betrayed if words don’t reach a person’s tongue.
He leans down and presses his mouth against the other’s temple.
I love you.
It’s the first time in days he means it whole-heartedly and Cas can’t hear them.
Dean thinks its revenge.
$
Castiel wonders when he started fearing Dean’s behaviour.
It’s been a little over a month since their argument and Dean has been nothing but the perfect boyfriend since then.
He buys him presents, kisses him more than ever and constantly tells him he loves him.
Gabriel just lifts an eyebrow at this new behaviour and shakes his head at Castiel like the older man can’t fathom what the other had done to change Dean.
Castiel looks away and then wonders why he can’t pinpoint the cause for this fear or why he’s twice as afraid to even try.
It isn’t until he sees Dean with Castiel’s new boss, Benny, that he gains his answers.
He watches as Benny throws an arm around Dean, treating him to a beer and toasting to finding his new best friend, asking everyone around them to buy Dean a drink and acting as though he’d known Dean longer than the hour spent at the party.
Castiel wants to point out that this would do nothing but rile Dean up when he sees Benny’s eyes light up as if he’s completely and utterly charmed by Dean’s now red-tipped ears, scowly expression and constant demands for his boss to shut up because “you’re making me want crawl out of my skin and die.”
It wasn’t an “as if”.
The fear intensifies when there’s genuine mirth in Dean’s eyes and Castiel wonders when the last time was that those happy eyes were directed at him or when the last time was that Dean had blushed for him.
He realises that he's a little bit jealous.
$
Dean’s been waiting for the other shoe to drop.
Sometimes he hates himself. Other times he thinks he’s perfectly justified. It’s that proper mix of self-deprecation and indignant pride he’s battled with all his life.
He knows that Cas only wants to hear the words more, wants the old Dean with an upgrade in communication. He knows that, but Dean knows himself and he knows that it’s always going to be one or the other with him. He doesn’t upgrade instantly. He’s human. He’s just Dean.
Cas starts fighting with him for hanging out with Benny too much. Dean thinks he’s jealous and says so, quietly wondering why he’s capable of communicating his anger but rarely his love. He knows that the shoes have all come off.
Cas throws a drinking glass at him and Dean feels it shatter inches from his head.
I love you.
But he knows the other can hear the lie in his voice and see the raw anger in his eyes.
Cas asks him to leave.
Dean laughs and thinks someone must have shoved the shards of glass down his throat when he wasn’t looking.
And just before he turns to walk out their door, he decides to come clean once and for all.
Hey? He says, fighting past the shards in his throat, when was the last time you told me you loved me?
He waits five seconds to see Cas’ eyes move from resentment to horror before finally closing the door behind him.
He breathes for the first time in a month.
$
Castiel swears his heart stops when Dean closes the door behind him.
He doesn’t know how long he sits there on their sofa going back over the last month, trying desperately to find a way to prove Dean wrong.
But he can’t find anything and he realises with mind-numbing fear that he hadn’t told Dean he’d loved him once the entire time.
He’d been so consumed with his worry about whether Dean was being sarcastic, honest, vengeful, angry, dishonest or just plain repetitive that he never once bother to say “me too” or “I love you too”. He’d been so consumed with his jealousy over Benny that he had single-handedly failed to realise that his boyfriend was shutting down and drifting away.
Castiel put his head into his hands for a second before reaching over to grab the cordless.
He called Gabriel and waited impatiently for the other to pick up.
“Hey little bro, what’s up?”
“Gabriel, how do you feel when Balthazar tells you he loves you?”
There’s silence and then laughter.
“I don’t know what brought this on but I’m dying to hear about it. Balthazar only spews that shit out when he wants to get into my pants, the guy couldn’t give a flying fuck about me and personally I couldn’t give a flying fuck in hell about him. He’s just really good in bed and if there are gifts and sweet words to go along with it then why the hell not?”
Castiel bites his lip hard and stays silent.
He can hear Gabriel sober up on the other end of the line.
“What happened, Cassie?”
“I think I ruined things with Dean.”
$
Dean’s at Sam’s house watching re-runs of Dr. Sexy when his phone starts to go off. He ignores his brother’s concerned glances and reaches over to turn the thing off.
He knows who it is and he just doesn’t want to hear it. For once, just for once, he’d like everyone to just let him think in peace without trying to guilt him into facing things he had every right to not face.
If Cas wanted to apologise he’d know how to do it right.
Phone calls weren’t going to cut it.
“Dean...”
“Drop it, Sam.”
“Look I don’t know what happened between you and Cas, but are you just going to let him go out of his mind with worry? Just text him and let him know you’re here, and I promise I’ll leave you alone, okay?”
“Do it yourself. I’m just...I can’t deal with him or anything else right now.”
He hears Sam sigh and walk away and Dean decides to lie down on the couch and try to get a decent night’s rest. He can’t even remember the last time he’d actually wanted to sleep.
He doesn’t know how much time goes by between sleeping and thinking when he feels Cas’ body squeeze into the space between him and the couch.
Cas doesn’t say anything, just holds Dean around his waist and presses his suspiciously hot face against Dean’s neck.
If he were feeling extra petty today, Dean would have just disengaged and walked, but he was tired and sad and it was the first time in months that he and Cas were on the same page so he ignored it all and went back to sleep. His fingers interlocking with the other’s on his stomach.
$
The next morning came earlier than necessary and he and Dean spend most of it staring at each other across the breakfast table, Sam having made himself scarce the second he’d spotted the two curled up together on the couch.
Castiel knows he needs to say something first so he takes a deep breath and sums up everything in the best way he knows how.
“I’m sorry I was an Assbutt to you this last month.”
Dean’s lips twitch.
“You threw a glass at me, Cas.”
“You may throw a glass at me the next time you go off on a jealous rampage. I won’t hold it against you.”
There was that twitch again.
“I’m still angry at you.”
“I know you are.”
“You’re going to have to make this whole month up to me.”
“I promise I will.”
“Starting now.”
“I love you, Dean. Very much.”
And when Dean’s ears go bright red, Castiel has to physically place a hand on his chest to stop his heart from hammering right out.
He beams pathetically at the man in front of him.
$
Dean gives up on trying to fight his own smile, feeling unreasonably fond of someone who seems to make it his life’s mission to drive him up the wall.
He knows they have a lot to talk about.
He knows that they’re both going to have to relearn what makes the other comfortable.
And he also knows that from now on when he says his next few words –
“I love you too, Cas.”
He’s going to mean it.
Because no matter how unreasonable they can both be about some things, they were too little too gone on each other to do anything but rewind, rest and go all over again.