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The first time it happened had been at least understandable. They had been alone, and Snafu had a habit of sticking very, very close to his friends, borderline clinging. He’d been all over Eugene all day, and it was no different now they’d sat down to grab a bite.
He’d been leaning heavily on Eugene as they watched the baseball game on his phone, his arms over Eugene’s shoulders and his head resting against Eugene’s arms, when the waitress had arrived with their order.
“A beer here,” the waitress had said, “and one for the boyfriend.”
“Oh, we’re not dating,” Eugene corrected her, laughing in slight embarrassment.
The girl immediately went red and quickly waved her hands in a nervous apology. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean any disrespect!”
“It’s okay, there’s nothing to worry about.”.
“He wishes he could get someone as good as me,” said Snafu.”But I always set my sights much higher.” At that, laying on his charm thick, he smiled at the waitress and gave her a seductive look. “How would you like to have a sexual experience so intense it could conceivably change your political views?"
As soon as that came out of Snafu’s mouth, the waitress froze, quickly apologized again and fled ASAP back to the bar.
“Great,” said Eugene in a deadpan voice and gave him his usual unimpressed look. “How much you wanna bet the next one to bring our food will be a guy?”
Snafu only huffed in amusement. “Is that supposed to stop me?”
---
That it happened a second time was weird but not too bad. Food servers were not having a very accurate eye so far. There hadn’t been much of an excuse the third time, though, when the four of them (Burgin, Snafu, Sledge and Sid) had gone out to drink a beer after classes, and a waiter had taken a look at Snafu watching Sledge talk about the new bird he’d seen come to the feeder by his window, holding his hand across the table (he’d wanted to look at his ring and just ended up playing with it) and said “It’s really brave to see a couple so open like you guys,” making it clear he meant him and Snafu, before he’d left to wait other tables.
Eugene hadn’t had any time to point out the other boy next to him, very clearly with his arm over his chair.
“Are we just not couple-y enough?” Eugene said to Sid, his eyes going all round and pity-inducing.
“No, babe,” said Sid, bringing Eugene closer to him and side-hugging him, “I think it has more to do with Snafu’s staring issues.” He nodded towards Snafu in the seat across from them, whose eyes, wide open, turned his way.
“Staring issues?”
“I’ve timed you before,” said Burgin, sitting next to him. “The longest you’ve gone without blinking is two minutes, but your eyes always stay open for like a minute before you blink. It’s like watching a lizard flicking his tongue over his eyes.”
“Only two minutes?” scoffed Snafu, and immediately got out his phone, putting the stopwatch on. “Hell, I can do longer than that.”
---
To Eugene’s increasing annoyance, it kept happening. People serving them got into the habit, apparently, of commenting on him and Snafu’s “obvious chemistry”. One time, the girl hadn't even believed him when he’d corrected her; she’d just gone “Okay, sure,” in a clear tone of disbelief. It had been the most astonishing occasion, but it kept happening .
The worst times had been when Sid was also there. He seemed to take it lightheartedly, but Eugene didn’t want him to feel bad it was becoming common. He was already annoyed. Why couldn’t they give him and his actual partner a compliment? They might have been friends longer than they’d been dating, and Sid tended to pass for straight the most out of them, but surely, surely , it couldn’t be that hard to notice they loved each other.
It must have been around the sixth or seventh time by then, though it felt like the twentieth, when this guy that Snafu had brought with him from his class, “Hamm with two Ms,” to have a drink with them had said,
“Oh, this the boyfriend guy?”
That was the breaking point, as Sledge threw his arms in the air.
“Oh, for Heaven’s sake! Look, I’m with him!” He pointed straight at Sid. “Got that? I! Love! Him! What does a man have to do to be taken seriously around here?” Sledge finished his passionate defense of his relationship by giving Sid a huge smacking kiss, to Sid’s amused surprise.
When Sledge turned to their new acquaintance, he saw Snafu barely holding back laughter, which was always a bad sign.
“Okay,” said Hamm after a moment. “That’s good, because I’m his date,” and pointed at Snafu.
If Sledge wasn’t naturally red-faced, his face might have been less overtly blushing, and a whole less funny.
“I told him about our little problem,” said Snafu, laughing and smiling like the cat that got the cream.
“I’m going to kill you, Shelton,” Eugene said to him with his face hidden behind his hands, Sid rubbing his back in consolation.
“You kept whining about it, I figured I’d be proactive and get your replacement, sweetheart.”
It only made Eugene groan and hide his face more thoroughly on his crossed arms over the table.
“Isn’t that nice of him?” said Sid with a kiss on Eugene’s head.
“Don’t defend him,” they all heard despite being muffled by clothes.
“Welcome to the squad, Hamm,” said Burgie.