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"We're supposed to stay six feet away from others unless they live in the same household," said Galadriel. "If you want to be safe, I think you should follow that rule with your next killing spree."
"Are you joking? I'm the Flatside Killer! I kill my victims with the flat side of my axe. It's my whole thing."
"I understand that. All I'm saying is, it's dangerous out there. And I don't want you bringing the virus home. We have Celebrían to think about," Galadriel reminded him. "If you really need to satisfy your bloodlust before we've flattened the curve, you're just going to have to suck it up and go for distance weapons."
Halbrand shook his head. "It's off brand."
"Then stay home."
"You know what happens if my need to kill isn't sated. Or have you forgotten about Hot Dog Stand Dan?"
"I knew you would throw that in my face. But regardless, you have to be responsible. Screaming victims are sending microscopic particles towards your face at high velocity. Perhaps you could use... I don't know, a sword or something."
"A six foot long sword? Really?"
"You could duct tape two together."
The suggestion alone was shocking in its ridiculousness. "Do you know how awkward that would be? And how the hell do I sneak up on someone when I have two swords taped together?"
"You carry around an axe. It can't be that much different."
"No. No," he argued as she brushed past him into Celly's nursery. "My axe is left in my kill room, ready for when I bring my victims there. It's not like I'm strolling down the street, greeting our neighbors with a bloody axe at my side."
Well... except for that time with Hot Dog Stand Dan. But that weirdo deserved what he got.
"Forget about the swords then. Could you throw knives?"
Oh yes, because being a serial killer predisposes one for the skills of a ninja.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"You know, throw them from six feet away."
"What am I, a circus act? Throwing knives with that level of accuracy requires hundreds of hours of practice."
Galadriel sighed, lifting Celly from her crib and onto her hip. "You know I support you when you act out your uncontrollable impulses. Just as much as you do me. But we're supposed to be social distancing. It's not fair to Celly and I if you come home without having taken the proper precautions."
Following Galadriel into the kitchen as she searched the fridge, Celebrían eyed Halbrand over her mother's shoulder, giving a him a near gummy smile when he stuck his tongue out at her. He hoped that, come time, Celly and he could stand firm together, a united front against the force that was Galadriel.
However, everything she was saying made sense. Well... not everything. That taped sword idea was on its own level of stupidity. But he had a family now, and he had a responsibility to keep them safe. Or face the wrath of Galadriel.
Memories of cut hamstrings and months of rehabilitation and feeling even lower than a worthless worm flooded his mind and he shivered.
"You know, it's bad enough the media is focusing on the pandemic instead of my regional killing spree. Hardly anyone is talking about the return of the Flatside Killer."
Galadriel eyed him with a sliver of sympathy, but mostly it was just annoyance. "I don't care. If you're going to claim victims, you're going to do it responsibly."
She didn't add on the 'or else' but it went without saying really.
"Alright. You're right," he conceded with a shrug. "I'll... throw knives at them and see how it works out."
"And no killing essential workers."
"Now hold on—"
"They risk their lives enough already. Can you imagine evading the virus all this time, only to be murdered by some lame knife throwing maniac?"
He was really beginning to regret agreeing to the knife throwing.
"Fine. I'll stay six feet away as I slay non-essential workers."
Her smile was sharp and arrogant. "Thank you. You're doing the right thing."
One look at Celly and he knew she was right. "Yeah, yeah."