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Josh Nichols’ most complicated relationship was the one he had with love.
Love was a familiar feeling to him; it followed him everywhere he went, and no matter how much he tried to leave it in the dust, it trailed behind him constantly. And, to most, he knew it would be nothing but a comfort to have your heart overtaken by the beauty of falling headfirst into an ocean full of love. Josh knew that, inherently, it was a good thing to be able to feel; that what he had taught himself to consider a curse really was nothing but some kind of blessing. Still, he had lost all control; if love was an ocean, most could watch from the docks, but Josh had felt he had a tendency to trip and fall until he was drowning and could no longer escape. This was how he had been, it seemed, for as long as he had been able to feel anything at all.
The first time he was hurt by loving was when it came to his father, the man he spent years of his life idolizing. Josh was nothing but a small version of the man as a child, sharing the same piercing blue eyes and lanky frame that he was always told he would grow into someday. They both craved rules and structure, and while most of the other kids he knew would be upset at his father’s adherence to routine, Josh found that most of the time it was relaxing knowing exactly what to expect. Being a military man, his father knew nothing but a tight schedule, and emphasized punctuality to a point where even Josh’s routine-oriented self found it to be a bit much.
Still, if you asked a young Josh Nichols to name the person who he looked up to, he would say his father with no hesitation.
Being that young, he wasn’t aware of the fact that his father could make mistakes, or that he was anything less than perfect. He and his father were one and the same man, and he couldn’t bear to make a separation or a distinction. After all, he wanted to be like his father; he even remembered asking once when he was around eight why he couldn’t have been named after his father. He had liked the ring of Phillip Nichols Jr better than his own name, and wanted to carry his father’s legacy with him. His father had told him that he wanted Josh to be his own man, and that he could carry on their family’s pride without his father’s name attached. Still, his full name was Joshua Phillip Nichols, and so a tribute to the man he idolized was on his birth certificate, following him everywhere.
They never had much conflict, Josh and his father. He was the perfect son to the perfect military man, playing sports and aspiring to the things a man was meant to aspire to. His father was supportive, taking him to various practices and games, always cheering him on from the sidelines; to him, that was his son, and he felt nothing but pride watching him. They were a team in themselves, and everyone around them seemed to see nothing but the perfect relationship between a man and his son. Josh loved that, loved the way he felt that his father cared for him with all that he had, loved the way that he had someone so great in his life.
His father was the reason Josh was set on joining the military; it was something that, in their house, was almost an unspoken expectation of him. Josh didn’t mind, having no real reason to push back against it. While he had always hoped to be a doctor some day, he figured that he could make it work. After all, his family had a long history of the men in it joining the military, even before his father; it was his grandfather and great grandfather before him that had. As the only child, he would be proud to continue on his family’s legacy, and he would prove to his father how deep his love ran.
Things only began to complicate themselves in Josh’s later years of high school when his sexuality began to reveal itself in all its true colors. Attraction hadn’t been something that concerned him for the earlier part of his teenage years, and he simply assumed that one day he would find a nice girl and get married, just like his father had. However, his propensity for falling in love hit him then for the first time, and he found himself infatuated with a boy in his chemistry class junior year; Nate. Nate was the kind of boy who didn’t have many friends, but Josh found talking to him easier than he ever had before. They sat next to each other all year, and Josh made time to eat lunch with him, even joining one of the school’s art clubs so that they could spend more time together.
It was Nate who solidified that he was gay, and Josh had no idea what to do with that conclusion. He knew what his father thought of people like him, having already expressed suspicion at his new friend’s more feminine qualities, and he didn’t want to disappoint. This was his perfect father, and he wasn’t going to ruin things; he couldn’t imagine a world where his father didn’t love him the same way that Josh did. He knew he would have to keep it hidden; he would graduate high school, join the military, and not let anybody know because he couldn’t. The military man couldn’t have a gay son, and the gay son couldn’t be loved by his military father.
It hurt, at times, especially as he prepared to graduate and knew he would have to cut ties with Nate. Josh had fallen for him hard and fast, but nothing ever happened because they were both scared to admit what the other knew. There had been a moment during their senior year that Josh remembered vividly years later, the two of them the last ones left cleaning up after an art club meeting. Nate had recently finished a painting, and it was the last thing that had to be put away; Josh had sat there admiring it while Nate finished washing the brushes, intrigued by the possibilities of what it could mean. Nate, always open about everything, was cagey on the subject, and Josh wanted to find out what exactly was hiding. He wanted to know Nate, know everything about him, even the things nobody had known before.
Anybody, even someone not in love with him, could admit that Nate was a talented artist. Josh found his work particularly powerful, but he couldn’t necessarily describe why; he wasn’t a particularly artistic type himself, so he just admired, because that was all he could do. Words tended to be the last thing that came to his feelings, after they had already crushed him completely and become one with the blood in his veins.
“I’m going to have to take this from you, so it can dry,” Nate interrupted, with that characteristic smile Josh had come to know him for. “You really like this one, don’t you?”
Josh nodded. “It’s nice. What’s it supposed to mean?”
Nate just looked at him, and Josh was worried he had said something offensive; he knew he was prone to doing that.
“It’s just out of curiosity,” Josh clarified quickly. “I mean, I don’t know much about art, and I just wanted to know what you were thinking about when you made it. What was going through your head.”
“I’m not upset,” Nate told him. “I just… think it’s nice that you asked. Most people don’t, because they think they get it. But this is probably my favorite piece; it’s supposed to represent the fear I have to live with for being gay.”
There was silence for a moment; this was the first time Nate had mentioned his sexuality in any way to Josh, though he had suspected. It seemed as if Nate was waiting for a similar confession from Josh, but he was hesitant to admit anything. He was scared that it would get out, leave the warm safety of the art room and reach his father’s ears. He didn’t want to lose his father’s love for Nate’s, and yet he didn’t want to let Nate pass him by.
“It’s good. I… understand it now, a lot better,” Josh told him. “Thank you for trusting me. It’s beautiful, really. One of the best things I’ve ever seen.”
Nate smiled, and Josh could only hope it wasn’t a fake one; he had found that he was bad at recognizing when someone was lying to him, bad at decoding intentions in a way that had only caused trouble. It made it hard for him, because he felt so much; he had emotions that ran wild and suffocated him at all moments of the day, but he wasn’t ever sure how anyone else felt those kinds of things.
Years later, Josh began to regret not telling Nate that he was gay as well; they lost contact after high school, and all Josh knew was that Nate was going to art school. He figured that Nate found someone else, someone more willing, and fell in love all over again. Still, Josh had to move on, because it wasn’t acceptable for him to have a broken heart over another man. He just couldn’t help but long for Nate, not when he was the first time Josh had experienced the dizzying feeling of being in love. Not when there were infinite possibilities for what could have been.
But instead, Josh joined the military and tried to move on with his life. This was a place where he wasn’t allowed to love like he wanted to love, and he would have to pretend. It wasn’t all that difficult, though; without anyone he had fallen for around, there was nothing to mask.
That was, until he met Ray at boot camp.
Ray was a military man through and through; while he was new just like any of the other recruits, he was a natural. He was older than Josh, but only by just a few years, having enlisted some time after high school instead of straight after graduation. He was immediately drawn to how Ray fit right into the routine of being in the military, as if it was how he was meant to live. Josh enjoyed the schedule, but he missed home; he missed going to baseball games with his father, missed talking about his day at dinner, and missed art club with Nate. He just took solace in the fact that he wasn’t alone; it seemed as if there were a handful of others who were having an even more difficult time adjusting than he was.
Ray was who he found the most comfort in; most just called him Novikov, and he was intimidating enough that most of the other recruits tended to avoid him. To Josh, however, he was fascinating; he went out of his way to befriend Ray, spending time with him whenever their demanding schedule allowed it. Ray liked him as well, being more partial to him than the others; he was less snide in his comments to Josh, and that was where he found himself falling again.
Josh originally believed that it was the kind of thing that would never go anywhere; Ray was the epitome of a straight man, and even if he wasn’t, the military was a dangerous place to be gay. He would never be able to face his father if he was discharged for such a thing, and he would lose the love wasn’t sure that he could live without. He admired Ray from a distance, and watched him when he knew he wasn’t going to get caught looking. As much as he felt nothing but adoration for this man who had chosen him out of all the other men there, he managed to be content. Managed to quell his feelings just enough to get through his day, just as he had with Nate, and just as he would continue to do.
After boot camp, they somehow managed to stick together; Josh was fairly competent himself from his military background, and he and Ray were easily some of the most skilled in their group. It seemed Ray’s family had some officers in it that landed both of them in the same company. It was during their time stationed together that they grew closer than ever, Josh admiring how cool Ray was under pressure and the way he appeared to have a kind of confidence that only came with being a natural in just about everything he did. The now familiar feeling of falling washed over him, and he was acutely aware of the way he longed to be closer to him.
Things changed just about a year into Josh’s time in the military; it was one of their rare few days off, and in the cool breeze of a summer evening Ray had made the offer for the two of them to go for a walk in town near where they were stationed. Josh accepted, as he always did when Ray made an offer; it would be nice to get away from everyone, as his time alone with Ray was one of the few moments he felt he could be truly himself. He hadn’t necessarily said anything to Ray about his sexuality, but they were in the military; he couldn’t tell a soul even if he wanted to.
They fell into their usual rhythm of conversation, and eventually the topic fell on some of their old friends; Ray was still in touch with some people he knew in high school, specifically a guy he was good friends with on the football team. They had met their freshman year and stayed close, even after his friend went to go play in college while Ray joined the military.
“What about you, Nichols?” Ray asked. “You played baseball, right? Weren’t you close with any of the guys?”
“I did play, but I don’t talk to any of them anymore. Not in touch with anyone from school, really. This is my fresh start,” Josh explained. “I was friends with one guy I met in my chemistry class, but we haven’t talked since graduation.”
“How come?” Ray asked; they had found a bench and were now sitting together at a small park. “Anything happen between you?”
“We were different kinds of people, Nate and I,” Josh attempted to explain. “He was an artist. Forced me to join my school’s art club, which I wasn’t very good at. But he was talented; very much the creative and emotional type.”
Josh left out the fact that he found he actually resonated with Nate’s emotions; while he trusted Ray, he also didn’t want to be seen as weak. This was the military, after all, and weak was one of the worst things to be seen as.
“He went off to art school, I joined the military. He was gay. We’re in different worlds, now,” Josh continued. “Sometimes I do wish I had stayed in touch, but it’s probably for the better that I didn’t.”
“What, did you stop talking to him when you learned he was gay?” Ray asked; Josh wasn’t certain of his intentions at first, but he had learned to read people better; he had learned to read Ray better. He could tell there was a bit of anger, as if he hated the idea of Josh leaving his friend behind due to his sexuality. It was a good sign, that maybe once they got out they could still be friends. Josh wouldn’t have to hide his true self from Ray forever.
Josh shook his head. “Didn’t affect my perception of him. He told me about it when he was showing me one of his paintings. But no, it’s got nothing to do with why we stopped talking.”
“Good.” Ray smiled slightly, which was a rare expression for him; even around Josh, he was a guarded and serious man. “My football buddy’s gay too. He told me our last year of high school. Was worried for a bit that it would change something between us, but it didn’t. He’s a good man, regardless of who he likes.”
Josh was almost tempted to say something, to break the rules and risk everything just for a chance at Ray, but he held back. He could love from afar; he had done it before, with Nate, and his heart had survived. It could do so again, and he would manage to make it out of the military with both his body and soul intact.
That instinct for self preservation began to crumble once Ray moved ever so subtly closer to him, as if to test the waters. He wasn’t doing anything that broke the rules yet, but the intentions were there and clear should Josh choose to accept the advance. He did, absorbed completely in the way Ray felt against him, his jacket brushing against Josh’s arm. He had never acted on his feelings before, never even kissed another man; it was something beautiful to him to be able to be so close, for there to be nothing in his mind other than Ray.
Despite anticipating it, Josh was still caught off guard for a moment when Ray’s lips met his; it wasn’t something he expected, for a man as cold and traditional as he was to open up and let another man, let Josh, in. Still on guard, Josh almost pulled away out of fear of getting caught, but then he remembered that they were alone; it was just the two of them, in the dark, sitting on this bench where nobody else would be able to find them. Here, Josh could let his love out, let his heart open and flood this kiss with the adoration he had been harboring for what felt like forever.
Being able to kiss Ray was something Josh felt as if he had been missing; it was one of those captivating things that drew him in until he was no longer aware of his surroundings or the fact that doing this could easily ruin his military career. He had known for years that he was interested in men, and it wasn’t something he doubted, but with Ray’s lips on his he knew for certain that this was who he was. He loved all of it; the cool summer breeze, the feeling of being wanted, and the fact that it was Ray who wanted him.
It was Ray who broke the kiss as a smile slowly grew across Josh’s face, lost in the dark brown of Ray’s eyes and the way the nearest streetlight cast a soft glow on his face that highlighted every feature in a way that made him even more gorgeous.
“Ray, I…” Josh began, but Ray stopped him before he could say much more.
“We don’t talk about this to anyone, Nichols.” He was using his stern voice, the one he reserved for those he wanted to be intimidated by him. “You know as well as I do what this means for our careers.”
Josh hesitated before asking the question that was on his mind, and had been since Ray had begun to close the space between them. “Is this something we can do again?”
Ray nodded. “If you’d like to. I know how to sneak around; learned from a few buddies of mine. Just do what I say and I’ll make sure we never so much as get a suspicious look. You’re in good hands, Josh.”
“I’d like to continue this,” Josh told him. “I’ve been wanting that almost since I’ve met you.”
“I can’t say the same for myself,” Ray admitted. “But mainly because you blended in with all those other kids at boot camp. Was only when I realized that you knew your way around the military life that I noticed you. But once I did… you’re a standout, Josh. And I don’t just mean the fact that you tower over all of us. You’ve got a good head on your shoulders; you’ll make it far here.”
Josh hung on to every word of Ray’s compliment; he wasn’t a very emotional guy, and true praise from him was hard to come by. “Thank you. For what it’s worth, you’re better at all of this than I am.”
“I’m also a bit older. You’ll get there with time, Nichols. I have faith in you.”
After that evening in the park, Josh found himself sinking deeper and deeper into his overwhelming adoration and love for Ray. Every moment that they spent together, away from the others in a place he was assured they would never be found in, was even more special than the last. Every conversation they had felt like it was making up for lost time, as if they should have met earlier than they did. Every kiss and every touch felt like something from the heavens, making him feel every emotion he had to hide when they weren’t alone. Ray was his light, his sunshine; when things got tough, he knew Ray would want him to tough it out. That he would be alright because, eventually, they would both be out and together.
And Josh could only assume that Ray loved him as well; Ray, who was always making time for him despite their busy schedules, arranging places for them to meet where they didn’t have to worry about the eyes of anyone else catching them. Ray, who treated him as if he was the only person in the world when they were alone, who lit up Josh’s world the way he didn’t think was possible. This was his Ray, and Josh could easily imagine their life together after the military; they could live together while Josh went to college, and they wouldn’t have to worry about hiding as their top priority.
Josh only began to have doubts one day a few months into their relationship.
“Ray?” Josh asked as they were walking together to their normal place where they could be together without worry; Ray apparently had known about it for years, being told about an abandoned old storage facility by an uncle who had been stationed where they currently were. “What are you thinking of doing, after our time’s up here?”
“Haven’t thought about it,” Ray admitted. “Depends on how much money I have. I’d like to retire somewhere nice, but who knows?”
“Retire?” Josh seemed confused; while it shouldn’t have come as a surprise to him that Ray expected to make the military his entire life, it still wasn’t something they had ever explicitly talked about. “You mean you’re going to reenlist?”
“My goal’s always been a successful military career. What, are you not going to?”
Josh shook his head. “I’ve wanted to be a neurosurgeon for years now. I’ve always planned on pursuing that after my contract ends.”
Ray didn’t respond; it didn’t seem to phase him all that much, certainly not as much as Ray’s desire to remain in the military for so long impacted Josh. He had imagined that they could leave, build a life together in a place where they were safe to do so, but Ray wanted to stay here, and wanted to give up the possibility of all that just to serve. Josh understood it; he knew the military was home for some people, but he didn’t think it could be for someone gay as he was, what with how they were forced to remain closeted.
They walked the rest of the way in an odd kind of silence; normally, talking to Ray was an effortless thing, but it seemed their contrasting plans for the future had drawn a new line between them that even Josh, in his endless hope that he had grown used to, was struggling to cross. Still, Josh couldn’t force himself to stray far from Ray’s side as they walked the familiar path in the darkness, wanting to feel that familiar jacket Ray had worn as long as they had known each other brush against him from time to time.
Once they reached their spot, it seemed that any of the lasting tension from the conversation faded quickly as Ray pushed Josh against the wall to kiss him without so much as another word; it was routine, how this thing went. Whenever they had time in their schedules, they met here; when they met here, they rarely talked. That was what all of their other time was for, when the things they were talking about weren’t a secret. Josh sometimes wished they had more time to talk with each other away from the ears of others, but he knew that what he was getting was more than he had ever expected to have. He would have to settle, if he wanted Ray.
Ray never brought up their plans for the future again afterwards, and so Josh avoided the subject, simply assuming it was something they would both rather not talk about. Things went back to normal for them within a day, as if the conversation had never occurred in the first place. Still, Josh found himself thinking about it at night; he loved Ray, so couldn’t they find a way to make it work? His mother and father had been together while his father was still in the military, after all. He could manage his own career while supporting Ray, and he could provide a stable place for Ray to go back to when he eventually retired. They could make it work, even if it would be difficult; Josh wouldn’t give up that easily.
And so, as time passed, they found their little routine. They would talk as most friends did during the day, about the more sensitive things pertaining to their sexuality on the walk to their spot, and nothing at all once they were there. Any moments of tenderness between them were something rare, but when they did happen, Josh knew to treasure them; one such instance came on a particularly cold December afternoon around the holidays that they happened to have off. They had both chosen not to take any extra days off around the holidays, but many of the others had, and so it was relatively quiet. Josh had originally regretted not going home, but he and his father had already begun to grow more distant; somewhere deep down, he knew his father would realistically never be able to love him in the way he needed, and he found that distance dulled the pain of that realization
Josh had been struggling with his shooting recently, and Ray had offered to take him out to the range to help him practice; he was a natural marksman, having gone hunting with his father from a young age. Josh took him up on it, and the two made their way over despite the heavy wind; it was the first winter that had been this cold since Josh enlisted, and he had found that the jacket he had wasn’t nearly enough. It wasn’t as bad as it could be; at Ray’s suggestion, he had at least picked up a better one in the fall once the temperatures began to drop.
“Cold?” Ray asked in his typical gruff voice; still, Josh felt it was different when directed at him. Less harsh.
Josh nodded. “I should’ve gotten a better jacket.
“Take mine. I grew up in Maine, I’m used to the cold,” Ray told him, taking off his jacket without a second thought.
Josh, not having much time to process before the jacket was thrust into his hands, took off his own and handed it to Ray so that he at least had something. He loved how Ray looked in his own jacket, which was just a bit too big, the arms coming down below his wrists. Meanwhile, it seemed Ray’s fit near perfectly on Josh; he always seemed to wear a size too big.
“Looks good on you, Nichols. Fits you better than it does me,” Ray commented, with that little laugh of his that Josh had found was quite rare. “Feel better?”
Josh nodded. “Yeah. I appreciate it.”
“It’s what friends do.” Ray said it offhandedly, but the nature of it stuck with Josh; friends. Was that all Ray thought of him as?
Josh tried to push it from his mind; for the most part, they were friends. There was just an extra layer there of love that ran deeper. Maybe they were too close to the others, not far away enough for Ray to say what their relationship truly was. Maybe Ray was so used to having to be guarded that he just said what he was used to. Either way, Josh was going to give him the benefit of the doubt; there was no use being too hard on him for something as insignificant as a brief comment.
They eventually arrived, and it seemed nobody else was around; with it being around the holidays and the weather being so harsh, it wasn’t much of a surprise. Still, it was nice to be alone with Ray, especially when their time spent just the two of them was a rarity what with their schedules being so busy most of the time. For the most part, it was just a normal session of target practice; the only difference was that Ray was guiding him, giving Josh tips that seemed insignificant but were based on years of experience.
At one point, Ray had made his way up behind Josh, carefully guiding his arms into position as he explained exactly why Josh’s shots weren’t right on point; there was something so intimate about it despite the gesture being so minimal; had it been any of the others doing this for him, Josh would have thought nothing of it. But when Ray’s arms were on his, there was something electric that shot through his spine. It wasn’t like the other times Ray touched him, because those were in frantic moments, fueled in part by adrenaline and the fear of getting caught. This was something different, something softer; something that solidified to Josh that Ray’s comment about them being friends and nothing else was a slip of the tongue. This was a man he loved, a man he could imagine spending the rest of his life with. A man he could imagine waiting for when their careers eventually took separate paths.
And so the years in the military dragged on, with Josh craving those moments he and Ray could be alone, treasuring the even rarer ones where a kind of soft intimacy crawled into their interactions. He could tell Ray wasn’t the type of man for that kind of thing, and it seemed that even in their moments alone he was just as rough around the edges as he was around the others. Josh liked that about Ray; the way he was confident and could step into any situation and as if it was built just for him. The world moved for Ray, and when it didn’t want to, he forced it to bend to his will.
Eventually, it came time for reenlistment; Ray did so without a second thought, just as he had planned, and Josh found himself thinking over his decision even though he thought he knew what he was going to do. The idea of leaving Ray didn’t sit right with him; he couldn’t imagine being alone after so many years together. He spent multiple nights contemplating, and Ray found him on the last one as he was outside watching the sunset; the reenlistment window closed the next day. After this, there was no more reconsideration, no more back and forth debates with himself.
“Thinking about something, Nichols?” Ray asked, taking a seat next to him; it was unspoken, that he was always welcome in Josh’s space.
Josh nodded. “Reenlistment. I know I said I was going off to medical school, but I’m reconsidering.”
“How come?” Ray asked. “Thought you knew what you wanted.”
“To be with you,” Josh admitted. “I can’t see myself being alone.”
“You’ll be fine, Nichols. Good looking guy, I’m sure there’s plenty out there for you,” Ray told him. “Hell, I got lucky with you. It’s been a fun few years, but we’ll both do fine. If your dream’s medicine, don’t let me stop you; looking like that, I’m sure any guy would be down to sleep with you. You’re fucking hot as hell, have I told you that?”
Josh shook his head, though he smiled a bit at the compliment. “No, Ray. I don’t want someone else. What, you thought I’d just throw all this away because you’re still here? You think I would do that to you?”
Ray shrugged. “Figured that was always the deal. A bit of fun for the both of us while we have to keep shit like this a secret.”
“Ray, this isn’t just fun to me. I love you, I want to make this work even when I leave. I’d wait; I don’t mind, not when it’s you I’d be waiting for,” Josh admitted. “You’re the first person I’ve ever felt this way for. This matters to me.”
“You love me? You’re fucking hilarious, Nichols.” Ray laughed, as if it was all a joke to him; as if Josh hadn’t just said the words that had been in his head for years but he had forced himself to keep under wraps. “I’d reenlist for you, I love you, I’d wait for you; what kind of bullshit is that? That’s not what we are, man. This whole thing was all convenience; you were hot and gay and we’re both in the same company, so it worked out. I’m not looking for something like that.”
“Then…” Josh was at a loss for words; the sun had set now, and that faint orange glow he had been admiring was fading from the sky. “Then why have you stayed with me for so long, Ray? If this didn’t… if this wasn’t anything… if you…”
“Didn’t feel like risking it enough to find someone else. You know how the policy is; if I took a gamble and it went south, I’d lose my career,” Ray told him. “Can’t risk that, so I figured I’d play it safe with you. Nichols, if you really thought we had something, you’re too damn naive. How you got through so many years here without figuring that out is the most surprising thing of all.”
“Then how come you always found time for me?” Josh asked, because this wasn’t something he could accept; this was his Ray, the man he loved. It couldn’t just end like this. “How come you singled me out? If you never cared?”
“I found time for you because you gave me what I needed,” Ray told him, as if it was something obvious; as if Josh was stupid for not having realized the nature of their relationship from the other side. “Singled you out because you were a good soldier, when I realized you were also a fag it just became one of those things. Wasn’t trying to mess with you, just wanted sex without getting caught. Didn’t think you’d get so upset about it. Didn’t think you were that soft.”
All Josh could feel was hurt; this wasn’t Ray. This couldn’t be Ray. While he had always been a man who said what he needed to and not much more, Josh always had the feeling that there was more there. There always was, in their quiet conversations and stolen moments. This was more than just the sex, to Josh. It always had been. Sure, he was attracted to Ray, but his fascination with him was more than that. It was an admiration for a man who was confident and commanding, who knew exactly what he wanted and how he was going to get it. He didn’t know where that Ray had gone. Unlike the sun, however, he had a feeling that his Ray wouldn’t be back in the morning.
***
Josh’s final weeks in the military were the worst ones yet; even worse than boot camp, because at least then he had hope for what his future could be. Still, he managed to struggle through the last of it; soon it would all be over, and he could forget about Ray. They stopped talking to each other, and some of the others began to notice; to any outsiders, the two of them were simply close friends. Nothing suspicious, but it was strange when they simply stopped talking one day when previously they had been a team everyone could rely on.
It was nice to be back home after so long; he had seen his parents from time to time, but it had been just short visits, and he was welcomed back with open arms. The second he walked in the door, it was as if his father was trying to make up for years lost while still taking time to remind him that his service was something to be proud of. It felt so wrong, to Josh; if his father knew anything about his sexuality, about Ray, he wouldn’t be getting such a warm welcome. He would be out on his own.
It began to eat away at him, the secrets he was keeping about his sexuality and everything that had happened with Ray. His parents both attributed his more somber mood to the military, not bothering to wonder where his energy went. He knew it wasn’t safe to tell them; still, he hated the feeling of lying. Hated the feeling of having them love him so much while knowing it was all a lie. He couldn’t do that to them, not after Ray. He couldn’t be the one keeping a relationship alive under false pretenses, because he knew how it felt to be on the other end of such a situation.
Josh forced himself to keep quiet about it anyway; he knew that he needed to be in a stable situation where he could survive on his own before he ruined everything. There were moments where he considered never telling them earlier, but he knew it was for the best to hold out. What was the point of being loved by someone who loved a lie? They would find out eventually, if things went as Josh planned; a small part of him still clung to the hope that he could fall in love again, with someone who loved him back. As much as Josh didn’t want to give up his father, to give up his position as the perfect son, he was done with the lie. Once he told them, he could move on. He could leave behind his lingering feelings over Nate, his military past, and the pure heartbreak he had felt that night watching the sun set with Ray.
It was one night once he was in college that he decided to make his move; it was towards the end of winter break, and things were going well for him. He was older than most of the people in his classes, but he found that it only helped him to succeed; those few years were a big difference in maturity, enough to impact how he adjusted to yet another new schedule and lifestyle. Still, he was still haunted by Ray; they had spent years together, and he was gone now. Josh wondered from time to time how he was doing, but he tried to forget. There was no use in dwelling on the past, yet he felt as if he would forever be forced to.
He managed to put Ray out of his mind long enough to enjoy the holiday with his family; they were seeing him off the next day, but for now, they were sitting together in the living room. It was a scene Josh could easily picture from anywhere, the three of them simply enjoying each other’s company. This was all he had, before things changed. Before he realized he was gay, before he fell in love, before he had his heart shattered into a million pieces. He knew this would likely be the last moment like this, and that more hearts would be shattered. That he would taint this memory, just as his others had been tainted before.
“Mom? Dad?”
“Yes, son?” his father asked; it seemed innocent enough.
“I’d like to tell you both something, if you don’t mind.” Josh fidgeted with his hands, unable to keep still; he normally suppressed his desire to do so, but the nerves were getting to him. “Before I leave.”
“Of course, you can tell us anything,” his mother reassured him.
Josh took a deep breath; he knew he had a desire to preface these kinds of conversation with ramblings and justification, but he didn’t want to do that here. He didn’t want to drag this on longer than it had to be.
“I’m gay.”
The words hung in the air, with nothing but the dull hum of the heater filling the space. It seemed that nobody wanted to speak, as if ignoring the words said would change something.
“This a joke?” his father asked eventually, breaking the silence. “You think this shit is funny?”
His father’s words reminded him of Ray’s; the way he brushed off the truth, something Josh took so long to dig up and bring out just to make light of it. “It’s not.”
“Fuck you mean, you’re gay?” his father asked. “You were in the military for years, son. This doesn’t just happen. What kinds of fags you talking to at that college of yours?”
“It’s not new, me being gay,” Josh told him, though he was shrinking, trying to hide behind something that wasn’t there. “I’ve known since I was sixteen. My friend, Nate? Back from high school? He’s why I knew. And there was a guy in the military I was with…”
“We don’t need to hear any more,” his father muttered, interrupting him. “This what you were so down about, when you came home? Leaving that man? I should’ve known, and that man shouldn’t be serving. God, I can’t believe I raised you to be like this. I thought I did well, thought I raised a good man.”
“I’m sorry.”
Those were the only words Josh could find in all this; in all the anger and disappointment that characterized his father’s speech, his only response was an apology. He had hurt his father. He had hurt his family. He had done something wrong, even if he knew that it wasn’t wrong; the feeling of being a bad son had taken over.
“You’re never to come back here again after you leave tomorrow. No son of mine is like you are. Fucking disgrace. What happened to my boy?”
Josh knew he should have stayed quiet; knew that the best thing to say was nothing at all. But some of his hope held on; the hope that one day he could get his father to understand, if he just explained. “Nothing happened. I’ve been gay my whole life.”
“You were not. It’s a choice you made, and it’s a dumb one at that. You’ve damned yourself, boy. Knew that kid in high school was bad news. Should’ve done better, maybe I’d have a son to be proud of.” His father sighed; to him, it seemed that he was the victim. That he was the one most hurt by this all. “Get the fuck out of my house tomorrow morning. When I said you could trust me with anything, I figured you’d turn out normal.”
And, with that, it seemed that the last of the hope Josh was holding onto had slipped through his fingers, lost forever and unable to be recovered. He had known this was what the reaction would be, but he still managed to have hope from time to time. Still managed to imagine a scenario where his father came around to the idea of having a gay son, where he tolerated it enough for Josh to prove that he could still be a good son despite his sexuality. Now, that was gone; it was all gone.
Josh left the next morning without so much as another word from his father; both his parents watched as he left from the doorway, and while his mother had a sad expression on her face as if she wasn’t quite ready to lose her son, his father stood with arms crossed, in a stance Josh had only seen when he had gotten in trouble for staying out too late during high school. Once he shut the door, he turned around to see his childhood home one last time; he assumed that he would never be back, and if he was, it would be because his father was dead. There would be no more happy memories made here. This would no longer be his source of comfort.
He tried to make the best of it, returning to college; the best he could do was to ignore the crushing loneliness inside him. Josh tried to make new friends, and there were times where he succeeded, but the fact that he was older than most of the people around him made that more difficult. They were still reveling in their newfound independence, and all he wanted was something familiar and a place that felt like home. He had a few relationships, the most notable being a doctoral student he met while spending late nights studying in the library.
Josh had to remind himself not to get too invested; he didn’t want this to end up like any of his past relationships, and so he kept his distance. Made sure that he viewed it as nothing but casual so that he didn’t get hurt when that was ultimately how it ended up. It worked, for the most part; their split hurt, but not in the way that caused his heart to be ripped from his chest, just in the way that left him with a slight ache that followed him for no longer than a week. He just couldn’t get invested again, couldn’t get attached, couldn’t let himself fall in love and he would be fine. Josh could survive this.
So that was what he did, through all of medical school. He told himself there was no need for anything more, because he had survived for so long without it. There were moments where he wanted more, wanted to turn his short flings into real relationships, but he stopped himself. All he had to do was remind himself of what had happened with Ray and the idea was out of his mind.
As the years went on, he found the pain had dulled and no longer governed so much of his life; while it still hurt from time to time and he found himself missing his father’s voice or the comfort of a conversation with Ray, it seemed their impact on him had become much more subtle. Undeniably, those experiences had shaped him to some degree, but they left their mark in the way he clung to the edge of the dock for dear life to stop himself from being swept away by the tides of love. Josh had more important things to think about, anyway; he was beginning his many years of residency, and it seemed his dream of being a neurosurgeon was as close as ever.
He found a spot at Bronx General, which was willing to take just about anyone who had the most basic of qualifications. It wasn’t ideal, but it was something, and he didn’t think he would stay for long. He had always imagined himself at some big hospital with cutting edge programs, and he still could. He would just have to make it there later, after he had his residency completed and real, significant qualifications.
He made some of his first long lasting friendships at the start of his residency; one of the ER attendings was a particularly nice guy, and while Josh had originally considered asking him on a date, he later learned the man had a wife and settled for friendship. They talked on and off, getting to know each other as the years went on. Eventually he left for a better job in Pittsburgh, but Josh did visit him whenever he was down in the area for a conference.
He also met Carol; she seemed to have taken an interest in him right around when he got hired, though he attributed that to her being a psychiatrist and taking a general interest in anyone who deviated from the norm in any way possible. He didn’t mind being around her, and so they had a typical work friendship, never really talking much outside of the job but eating lunch together when neither of them were particularly busy. She was one of the first people he was open about his sexuality with that he wasn’t dating, and much to his relief, she didn’t ask questions.
The topic came up when Carol was offering to set him up with one of her friends again; he had politely declined all of her offers. While she meant well, she had also assumed he was interested in women, and so all of her recommendations weren’t people he would never find himself attracted to.
“I do know this surgeon in Jersey,” Carol was telling him one day at lunch. “She’s just come off a rough breakup, but she did say she was looking for someone who understands her schedule; apparently her last boyfriend was always upset with her working long hours.”
“Really, I do appreciate the offer, but I’m not looking right now,” Josh told her; it was easier than the truth, at least at the moment. He knew Carol was supportive, having heard some stories about one of her other friends who happened to be gay, but he was still cautious. He had to be. "But as always, I’ll let you know if I change my mind.”
“Alright, then.” Carol went back to focusing on the paperwork she had been doing before Josh came in.
Josh really did want to tell Carol he was gay; it would make things so much easier in the future, and maybe she would even know men to set him up with; she seemed to know just about everyone, and he had been curious about her other friend. Oliver was his name, Josh remembered; apparently he was also a doctor, and he seemed to be the friend Carol spoke the most about, with the two of them going back years. He knew that he could trust her with this, he really did; the past had just taught him otherwise.
“Something on your mind, Josh?” Carol asked, sensing that he was thinking about something; she was good at that, and it was surprising he had been able to keep anything from her for very long. He figured it couldn’t be that bad of a time to tell her, especially with them being alone in her office. There was nobody around to hear.
“There was something I’ve been meaning to tell you,” Josh admitted. “The reason I haven’t gone out with any of your friends isn’t necessarily because I think they’re bad people; it’s the opposite, really, I think they sound wonderful. But I’m actually not all that interested in women; I prefer men. And what I mean by that is…”
Carol cut him off, knowing his ramblings wouldn’t get him anywhere but stuck inside his own head. “I know what it means, Josh. And I’m glad you told me.”
Josh smiled in an attempt to mask any lingering anxiety. “And you don’t have a problem with that at all?”
“Josh, you’ve heard about my gay friends. You think I’d make an exception and only be homophobic towards you?” Carol asked, but in that joking way she had in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Seriously, though, it’s good you told me; now I might actually be able to land you a successful date.”
With that, the conversation shifted gears; the mention of his sexuality was no longer a wall, it seemed, and nothing bad happened. He didn’t lose Carol; even if she didn’t mean all that much to him, he still didn’t want to lose her. He couldn’t afford to, not when she was one of the few people he still had left in the world.
That conversation gave him just a bit more confidence, enough to feel as if he didn’t have to be ashamed. He still felt lingering guilt, and he still remembered that conversation with his father, but he forced himself to think about Carol whenever he dug himself into a hole dwelling on it too much. After a few months, Josh worked up the courage to tell his friend down in Pittsburgh; he was supportive as always, and surprised him by offhandedly mentioning something about how he was bisexual himself. That gave Josh a bit of a laugh; there really was more support for people like him than he thought.
It was then that he found his home at Bronx General; while he could have left, he didn’t want to, because it had become something familiar that he had found he was lacking since things fell apart between him and his parents. It wasn’t the kind of place he had always imagined himself working at, but he couldn’t imagine any other career for himself now that he was here.
Still, he had stuck to trying to keep casual relationships when it came to romance; he was constantly reminded of his propensity towards falling in love every time he considered a real relationship, so he kept his distance. The weight of what he had come to know as a curse followed him everywhere, but he had begun to learn to live with it. Maybe he would never find somebody, but at least if he continued to live this way he wouldn’t get hurt again. That was all he could do, was to protect himself; the tides couldn’t sweep him away if he never got close to the water.
The closest he ever got to breaking out of that mold he had forced himself to conform to was when Carol had brought up her friend Oliver again, this time in an attempt to set the two of them up. By any other standards, it would have been a normal conversation, the two of them having lunch together in Josh’s office since he had an hour between surgeries which was just enough time to grab something to eat
“I’ve known you for a few years now, Josh,” Carol began, which already piqued his interest; he didn’t know how that could relate to much of anything they had been talking about before. “Which means I know you well enough to know you wouldn’t hate me for making the suggestion that I think you and Wolf might actually do well together.”
“You seem hesitant,” Josh pointed out.
Carol smiled a bit at that. “Wolf can be… a lot. He’s eccentric; I think he’s gotten fired at least twice this year already, and he refuses to get a cell phone no matter how many times I tell him it would be useful. He’s a loner as well, and I don’t think I’ve ever seen him have a long term partner. Says he prefers his plants to people most of the time. I’ve never really tried to set him up with anyone before since he’s so averse to the idea of that, but of all the people I’ve met, I think you two might weirdly enjoy each other’s company.”
“Do you mind telling me more about him?” Josh asked. “I mean, I’ve heard your stories about the various antics he gets up to, but I’m sure that’s not the full picture.”
“He’s a neurologist, when he can find a job; he’s known for breaking quite a few rules, so he’s between hospitals a lot. He’s really very good at his work, despite all of that; he just does things in an… unconventional manner, I suppose,” Carol explained. “He’s very private, too. I’m sure there’s things even I don’t know about him, because he doesn’t like to talk about himself all that much. I really do think he could benefit from having someone other than me, just so he can open up more. It would do him good.”
Josh, as much as this man seemed like his opposite, couldn't help but find himself slightly intrigued by the idea of a man so dedicated to his work that he got fired an almost comical number of times. He supposed it was that dedication that drew him to people; it was what had attracted him to Nate by seeing his passion for art, and Ray’s confidence and commitment to a strong military career had been the catalyst for the beginning of whatever it was that they had.
“Do you have any pictures of him?” Josh asked.
Carol seemed excited that he was showing interest, and she reached for her phone, finding one immediately as if she already had one in mind when she brought up the subject of Wolf.
“Here. This is from that conference I went to last month; he went with me, and we went out for dinner.” She held out her phone for him to see, and Josh couldn’t say he was surprised. The man was attractive, he had to admit; if there was someone for him to potentially take a chance on, Oliver Wolf seemed a likely bet. He could imagine them connecting, somehow; maybe over their shared isolation, or similar careers.
Still, Josh knew that was going too far; he hadn’t even met the man yet, and already he could feel the waves at his feet, attempting to drag him down again. He had dated since Ray, and he had felt the dangerous pull, but there was something about this man who Carol had described multiple times as nothing but eccentric that felt different. Most of the men he had been with were typical, by his standards; he could imagine a life with them if he tried hard enough, but if he didn’t try, they seemed to all blur together in his head. But this Oliver Wolf character? Josh could easily pick him out of a crowd. A standout, just as Ray had called him the night of their first kiss.
It was just that the idea of succeeding scared him more than the idea of failing; if it went well, he would be at the mercy of the waves once again, and that had only ended poorly for him in the past. So, as much as he wanted to tell Carol he was interested, he put on a neutral expression.
“He seems nice, but I don’t think we’d be compatible. I’m not the kind of guy to be with the more eccentric type,” Josh told her.
Carol raised an eyebrow; she was good at seeing through his lies. “Your reaction tells me otherwise. I won’t do anything if you don’t want me to, but I could see it, you and him. Just don’t let something stupid get in your way, Josh; I don’t know what your reasoning is, but I know you’re not being entirely honest. If you ever change your mind, you know where to find me.”
And so Josh Nichols did his best to keep Wolf out of his mind; it wasn’t all that difficult, but he did think from time to time about what Carol; not letting something small get in his way. What happened with Ray felt huge; it felt like a stab straight to his heart, like a riptide that dragged him down to the bottom with no chance of escape. But he supposed love didn’t always have to feel like drowning; he could let himself swim, lower himself into the water more than just his feet, and it could be safe. It could be everything he needed. Still, most of the time, he avoided thinking about it. Things were just easier that way.
And it worked, up until the day Oliver Wolf got himself hired at Bronx General.