Work Text:
“I’m done with this.”
The words echoed in Marlene’s brain like a distant dream. Even though the words were brutally aimed at her a few months ago. She can hardly stand on her feet anymore as she sways in the middle of the club.
It’s not as if she wanted to join her friends at this overly bright and crowded venue, but the pitying looks she’s been receiving from them are enough to drive her insane.
She is fine.
Marlene is fine.
She has come to terms with the fact that Dorcas is nothing more than a person to her now. A stranger. Someone who she has never met before or even had a conversation with. Someone whose lips she has never touched. Someone who did not know every single part of her inside and out. She feels great knowing that Dorcas has left her with nothing but an empty shell inside of her chest.
And that is fucking fine .
If anything, Marlene wishes she could just be curled up in her bed like she was the night before. It’s a Saturday night, why is everyone so… energetic? It’s not as if it’s anyone’s birthday.
“Can you stop being a downer for one night, Marls?” Mary screams over the music into her ear, and the smell of vodka from her drink invades Marlene’s personal space and almost makes her gag. She has had her fair share of drinks tonight, but it’s hardly enough to make her less annoyed right now.
Marlene winces at her volume, and Mary stumbles out with an apologetic expression. “Sorry, I didn’t know if you could hear me over—”
“The music,” Marlene finishes as she points around them, “Which by the way, fucking sucks. When can I go home?”
Mary plastered on one of her brilliant and shiny smiles that, on normal occasions, would make Marlene want to do anything she asks of her. Instead, it just fills her with another layer of emptiness, especially when Mary puts a soft hand on her shoulder and says, “When you feel better.”
“I feel fine, actually.” Marlene ignores the strain in her voice, “I’ve been telling you all this for a while now.”
“Sure, but you’re not.” Mary takes another sip of her drink, her eyes never straying away from Marlene’s. That knowing gaze sends shivers down her spine. However, Marlene has known Mary since they were children. She will not falter under her sympathy. Particularly because she is being honest. The truth is subjective anyway.
“I am,” Marlene argues.
Mary does not miss a beat, “You’re not.”
Marlene sighs in her direction. She picks up what is left of her drink and swallows it quickly. “I promise you, Mary, I'm doing great.” She ignores the sudden pain in her chest at the words.
“Marlene,” Mary breathes. “You being holed up in your apartment for weeks is not okay. That’s a sign for help.”
“I have not just been in my apartment for weeks,” Marlene defends. She goes to work and the store quite regularly these days. Since no one else will. Even though the food has been going stale recently, that's only because Marlene is used to buying meals for two people. No other reason. It’s not as if it’s her fault that her appetite has not been exactly normal lately.
Mary rolls her eyes anyway, “Going to work does not count at all.”
“I think it counts for a lot.”
“In this economy? Not buying it. I thought a night out with the girls would… You know? Help. Just with everything going on. It’s like you’re pushing us out, and we really miss you.”
A pang of guilt surges through her body. Marlene never meant to make her friends worry on her behalf. In fact, she thought it would be best to deal with her post-breakup on her own. That way, she could process in her own way without interfering with anyone’s lives. She already ruined the life of the only person she was ever in love with. Why would she burden her family with all of her emotional baggage, too?
Maybe it’s the drinks or the sad, pathetic look in Mary’s eyes, but Marlene begins to feel tears prickling in her eyes. “I really, really appreciate everything you and Lily are doing. Seriously, I do. But the last thing I need is to be coddled.”
“I promise that’s not what we're trying to do. We just know how much Dorc—”
“Do not say her name,” Marlene chokes out.
A body suddenly drops next to her in the booth. Marlene doesn’t need to turn to know that the only person brave enough to catch her off guard like that is no other than Lily Evans. Out of all of her friends, Marlene would believe that Lily understood her perspective on all of this. Considering that Lily is fresh out of a breakup with her own ex and she was able to bounce back perfectly fine too.
“How are we doing over here?” Lily asks, extremely bubbly and, if the smell is any indication, drunk.
“Horrible.”
“Just peachy.”
“Oh.”
There is a tense silence as Lily clears her throat.
“It’s starting to get a bit too sweaty in here. Are we ready to go?” She asks.
Marlene does not miss the way Mary sends daggers in Lily’s direction. A silent conversation starts between them, and it would have annoyed Marlene if she were not so accustomed to it all these years.
“Or… maybe we could go watch a movie at your place, Marls?” Lily hesitantly asks. She quickly understands what this is. And she hates the fact that her own friends have her on suicide watch. As if she would ever jump off a bridge because of her .
“That sounds like a great idea to me!” Mary wraps her arms around Marlene’s shoulder, her frustration long forgotten. “Let’s have a sleepover like when we were kids, hm?”
Marlene hums to herself, “It’s a bit late, don’t you think?”
“It’s only 9 pm,” Lily, unhelpfully, supplies. It’s now Marlene’s turn to glare at her. “Come on… please,” she draws out. Between Lily’s pleading puppy dog eyes and Mary placing small kisses on her cheek, Marlene knows she has been defeated as her walls crumble down in submission.
“Fuck you guys.”
~•~
The taxi back to her place was an annoyingly long affair. She spent the entirety of the twenty-minute drive silent as Mary and Lily drunkenly argued about which movie they were going to watch tonight. It all seemed pointless to Marlene since she knew the couple would fall asleep halfway through whichever movie they chose.
However, when she voiced that thought, she was met with a combination of “mind your business” and “that doesn’t matter.”
As the three of them walk down the hallway to her apartment, Marlene tries to ignore the familiar scent that fills the air. It would not be the first time she smelled her flowery fragrance while thinking about her. She wonders at which point in the post-breakup stage does that side effect go away.
She fishes out the keys to her room before she notices that her door is unlocked.
“Do you know how unsafe it is to leave her door unlocked?” Lily borderline yells into the empty hallway. Mary hushes her by placing a firm hand over her mouth.
“I’m almost positive that I locked my door before I left, right?” Marlene asks no one in particular.
“I’m sure you were probably just in a rush to meet us,” Mary tries to reason. Which, it does make sense, but sense is not what Marlene wants right now. There is one person who would always leave their front door locked, no matter how many times Marlene would lecture her about home safety.
This is not fair. It’s not fair that she is now picking up her habits after she left her with nothing but their memories together. How dare she leave her naturally addictive smell in her absence? Marlene should not have to think about her while walking down her hallway to her apartment now. Marlene does not want to think of her while she is just trying to open the fucking door.
Unless…
Marlene’s hand grips the doorknob. After weeks of shutting herself off, she refuses to break down in the middle of the hallway because of an unlocked door. Nor does she want to give herself any kind of hope of what, or who, could be behind this door.
Lily’s hand takes hold of her shoulder. “Marlene, are you okay?”
Before the tears can start a waterfall down her face, she braces herself as she opens the front door. Before she could even react, she heard Mary and Lily gasp as she took in the scene in front of her.
And Marlene?
Marlene wishes she could die right now.
Because staring at her right now are the dark, mahogany eyes that have been haunting her dreams since she last saw them months ago.
Dorcas stands awkwardly in the middle of their living room. Her clothes consist of a plain pair of blue jeans and a long-sleeved white shirt. Her hair, which is usually kept as long locs down her back, is put in a messy bun on top of her head. Her attire has seen better days. Nevertheless, in Marlene’s eyes…
She looks divine.
“Oh.” Dorcas’ voice waivers as she walks towards the blonde. But when Marlene takes a cautious step back, she pauses. “I didn’t know you'd be out, so I just let myself in.” She raises her key in her hand, and Marlene notices that her knuckles are bruised a little bit.
“What are you doing here?” Mary is the first one to regain her voice after the initial shock. She takes a step forward in front of Marlene, taking a protective stance.
Dorcas’ eyebrows raised a bit at the attitude aimed in her direction. But come on, what exactly did she expect by showing up at their apartment unannounced after months of no contact?
“Hello to you, too, Mary. In case you’ve forgotten, this is my apartment too.” Oh, how Marlene has missed that stunning attitude of hers. Still, she will not speak to her best friend in that manner. Not in Marlene’s presence.
Marlene’s voice finally finds her as she says, “The apartment you haven’t seen in a long while, Dorcas.”
The elephant in the room is comically obvious. Everyone stands as they wait for the eventual blowout.
“You have a point. A great one. And that’s why I wanted to visit you. To make sure you were okay.”
“Excuse me?” Marlene’s temper begins to rise as she watches Dorcas's shift awkwardly side to side.
“I… wanted to see if you’re alright? I was thinking about you, and I know we ended things not that great, but—”
“We? There wasn’t a we involved in our breakup. That was a complete you decision, Dorcas. What the hell?”
Dorcas glances behind her, and her cheeks turn a faint red. Her fingers twitch at her side as if she wants to reach for something, but instead, she settles them inside her pockets for now. “Is there a way we could talk privately, please? Or… you know what, this was extremely rude of me. I’ll just go and leave you all to your night. I’m so sorry.”
Marlene’s eyes go wide when Dorcas begins to pack up her purse. Before she could even ask, Lily finally speaks up.
“We could go. If you want, Marlene.”
Marlene would be a liar if she didn’t admit that her initial answer was a “yes” without any hesitation. She allows herself to be curious as to why Dorcas would even come to visit her after everything they have gone through these past two months. The arguing, the fighting, the anxiety-inducing tension. It would seem impossible that Dorcas would want that back. At least, that’s what’s been echoing in her head since that fateful night.
But Dorcas is here right now. It could be possible that she wants to give their relationship another chance. Marlene does not want to get ahead of herself, but how else could she take this?
“We…” Marlene clears her throat, trying to regain enough courage to actually have a serious conversation with the woman in front of her. “Yeah, we can talk.” She turns around to give her friends an assuring smile.
Mary’s brows are furrowed in concern. “Are you sure?”
“I’m positive.” She tightly holds on to both of her friends in a hug as she whispers, “I’ll talk to you in the morning. Thank you for everything.” She kisses the side of both of their faces as they are leaving.
“You’re welcome! Good luck,” Lily’s eyes flicker back to Dorcas, before narrowing her eyes. “Don’t fuck this up,” she says before shutting the door.
The air is tense as the two women are now alone together for the first time in weeks. It is safe to say that the circumstances have sobered Marlene to the point that she thinks she can keep her temper at bay.
Dorcas is the first one to break the silence with a quiet, “Hey.”
“Hi.”
“How are you doing, Marlene?”
“We are absolutely not doing small talk right now.” Marlene huffs with no real bite behind her words. She can handle screaming and yelling, but there is a line. The line was awkward small talk.
Dorcas actually chuckles; a sound Marlene has missed even before the massive argument that tore them apart. She does not answer, but she does sit down at the kitchen table before directing Marlene to sit in the chair closest to her. As she sits down, she is finally able to have a closer look at Dorcas’ face. She takes a mental note that Dorcas does not look her physical best either. Which, in some cruel way, sends a bit of reassurance that Marlene is not the only one affected by their separation.
Both women grow quiet again, each having so much to say and yet unable to form the words. Marlene has never, in any way, felt uncomfortable around Dorcas. Ever since they began dating at the end of their last year of high school, she has always been an open book about everything. Except this time where she does not know where to begin. So, she starts with the first question that has been etched in her brain for weeks.
“Why haven’t you called me back?”
Dorcas does not seem shocked by the question, her fingers twitching at her side. She takes a deep breath as she tries to formulate her words. Marlene waits for her; it’s still early in the night, and she does not plan on rushing their conversation. If anything, it is a positive sign that Dorcas is not speaking without thinking first about how her words could affect herself and Marlene.
Dorcas stares down at the table as she confesses, “To be honest, I didn’t know what to say to you. This is all new territory for me, and I felt so fucking horrible about how I left things with you that night. Everything was overwhelming with the guilt eating at me. And I just got so… tired.”
“Tired of me?” Marlene hesitantly asks.
“No,” Dorcas answers quickly, as if she never even considered that a possibility. Relief does surge through Marlene, but an immense amount of sorrow also takes place inside her heart. Dorcas’ vulnerability is a wall that has always been tough to crack, even with their years of experience with one another. And the thought of her dealing with this alone is enough to send Marlene spiraling.
Though Dorcas continues, “I guess I was just exhausted with life in general. The constant cycle of waking up, going to the store, coming home, taking a shower, sleeping, and repeating. I wanted something new, something exciting. I knew how happy you were, and I felt fucked up that I didn’t feel that happiness. I know how bad that sounds, I do. But it’s the truth.”
Dorcas’ thighs begin to shake a bit from nervousness. Marlene, without thinking, takes hold of one of her hands and squeezes. Her brown eyes find her own, and she mistakenly looks down at Dorcas’ tempting lips before stopping herself from leaning in.
“We could have talked about this instead of you just walking away as if nothing happened.”
“I tried, Marlene. And I don’t mean this to start an argument, I promise, but I tried and you never listened,” Dorcas admits. This makes Marlene pause, as she tries desperately to remember any times that she brushed off Dorcas’ feelings.
“You could have been more direct with me, you know.”
“And say what exactly? ‘Oh, hey, Marlene. I feel like my life is falling around me, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Oh, by the way, what do you want for dinner tonight?'”
Marlene blinks. “Well… actually yeah. You could have started with that.”
“How could I when you were never here, Marlene?” Before Marlene could say anything, Dorcas placed her hand up. “You weren’t. I would wake up, and you’re gone. I would go to sleep, and you never came home until the middle of the night. I needed my partner, but you weren’t there. And I felt…” Dorcas bites her tongue before finishing. Marlene takes pity on her, knowing that she is trying to be more careful with her words. She, of all people, understands how difficult it is to show any weaknesses even with the people she loves the most. And, she realizes that sometimes Dorcas needs a little push in the right direction.
“Lonely?”
Her love’s eyes shine with silent appreciation, “Yes. I felt lonely.”
It’s a lot of information to digest, and Marlene does not even know where to begin. She kind of wishes that Mary was with her right now; she would have known the right things to say.
Dorcas must have taken her silence as anger as she quickly stumbles, “I’m sorry. I know it’s probably too late considering everything I put you through these past weeks, but I am so, so sorry.”
Marlene shakes her head at the declaration. “It’s not too late. At all. And I’m sorry for not… being there, or making you feel like you were by yourself. I know that must’ve hurt.”
“It’s not your fault for that. Believe it or not, I have been thinking a lot while away. And I don’t blame you for getting frustrated with me. I felt caged in. And I have to admit, I wanted to make you miserable too.”
“ Ouch .”
“Again, I’m sorry,” Dorcas says sheepishly.
A quick thought came into Marlene’s mind, and before she could stop herself from asking, “Where were you staying by the way? Through all of this.”
“With Sirius,” Dorcas says with an involuntary grimace.
Marlene could only chuckle as she pictured the chaos that must have occurred between Sirius and Dorcas. Hopefully, Remus was there to keep the peace between those two hotheads. “God, I could only imagine.”
Dorcas shrugs as she complains, “He’s not the worst roommate ever, but holy hell does he love to talk in the morning.”
“Oh, I just know that drove you crazy.” Considering how bad of a morning person her beloved is, it must have been torture.
“Let’s just say, I once smoked two packs of cigarettes in one day. It was a rough time.” Dorcas squeezes her hand and uses her finger to stroke her knuckles. “Plus…”
“Plus?”
“I really missed my girlfriend.”
My girlfriend?
If there were any walls left shielding her heart, Marlene knows that they have completely fallen at this moment. The beating of her heart pulses so hard in her chest she wonders if Dorcas can hear it from where she sits. It’s enough for her to want to take Dorcas to the bedroom and make love to her until the sun rises. But first, she must be able to set some boundaries between the two of them before anything else continues.
“Can I ask you something?”
Dorcas nods, “Of course.”
Marlene bites so hard on her tongue until she tastes a tinge of blood. But it’s what she has to do to swallow the internal cowardice inside of her. She must be honest, not just for Dorcas, but for herself as well. The words of Mary and Lily from the past months ring inside her head.
“After you left, I didn’t take it well. Honestly, I was scared and hurt because I thought we were done forever, and you just hated everything about me. I hated that feeling and myself for a while. So, I guess I want to ask if that’ll ever happen again if we get back together.”
Marlene quickly blinks away the tears that are stealthily trying to fall from her eyes. Before Dorcas can speak, Marlene continues.
“I just have to know now because, Dorcas, I really fucking love you and I’m not sure if I can do this again. So, if you think it’ll just be better to stay friends, let me know now rather than later,” Marlene rushes out before she loses her nerve.
Dorcas nods her head in understanding before answering, “I can’t promise that this will never happen again or that we won’t have another major argument. I wish I could. But… I can promise to try to do better in our relationship on my end. Because, quite frankly, I love you, too.”
Marlene is surprised to find herself satisfied with that answer. A few months ago, Marlene probably would have left Dorcas here alone and never came back. She probably would have never had a conversation in the first place. However, she accepts Dorcas’ perspective and believes her words. She blames Mary for her newfound maturity level.
“Let’s make an agreement, okay?” Dorcas says. She holds up her pinky as she suggests, “We don’t leave the apartment angry at each other. We talk about our feelings, no matter how silly they may sound, before things blow up. We don’t insult each other to hide behind our emotions. We talk openly to each other.”
“Dorcas—“
“I’m serious,” she interrupts and stands from her seat. She looks up at Marlene’s stunned expression as she kneels in front of her.
Marlene, however, feels like her heart is about to explode from her chest. Is she about to—
“Don’t freak out, I’m not proposing. But I need you to know that I mean what I’m saying,” Dorcas proclaims as she hooks her pinky finger around Marlene’s.
“Promise?” She asks. The gesture is incredibly childish, and this could be done in an entirely better fashion. But Dorcas looks so damn adorable with such an expected look on her face.
God, she loves her so much.
Marlene grins, squeezing their linked pinkies. “Deal.”