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I walked down the bustling lanes, as if something was chasing me. I didn’t know what it was, but i trusted my gut and continued to hurry away.
As i did so, i felt a certain, heavy, strange feeling of familiarity wash over me - this was something i used to do as a child, running away from my weary mother, who’s only request was that i ate my lunch, while i had other plans of playing with my friends.I had spent a majority of my life in these lanes - my entire childhood, to some part of my youth.
And as the years went by, both of us changed. In ways, im uncertain, are whether good, or bad.
I had left these streets, my home, as a bright 21 year old, who’s only ambition was to be able to finish his studies, and become SOMETHING.Now, after 8 years, i came back as a weary 29 year old, who did become something (someone in the medical field, specifically a surgeon) but NOW, who’s only hope was that his mother would stop pestering him about him getting married.
“Sunghoon-ah, just think about it! I’m growing older each year, and so are you! I want to see you start a family, and be happy. Your appa already was a father of two by the time he was 27!”
These words were on loop in my head, like a bad record.
It wasnt like i was completely against the idea of marriage. Truth be told - i was simply scared.
I didnt really see myself to be capable enough to make such a commitment, to anyone.
Questions like - ‘Will i be a good husband? Will i be a good father? What if im not capable of providing enough?’ Kept circling my head. Kept haunting me, in a way. And also the fact that I had no interest towards the opposite sex, was another opposing factor. My heart belonged to a boy who I could never have - something i shamefully hide inside the deep crevices of my heart.
As i walked ahead, i heard the bursting of fireworks. I paused for a moment, and looked up at the night sky, which was now illuminated brightly, i smiled softly to myself - as a child, i always loved it when the new year arrived - i used to sit for hours with my friends, all of us eagerly anticipating the fireworks to starr.
Suddenly, i felt something bump against my shoulder.
“Watch where you're- Sunghoon?”
My heart stopped for a moment. Was it really him?
“Park Sunghoon? Hyung? It’s really you!” the voice cried out with joy,
“Jungwon…” I croaked. I felt frazzled. He was my first and foremost friend. I can't really recall how and when we met, but all i know is that i felt that what he and i shared, was something so special, that it was much more than being friends - yet i wondered, if he also felt the same. He was, the boy.
“Well, it’s certainly been a while, hasn’t it?” he replied, draping an arm across my shoulder, a cheeky grin on his face.
“When’d you come back? And why didn’t you tell me? I missed you loads, hyung,” he teased, as we walked together.
“Ah, just a few days ago…” i said sheepishly.
“So, how’s things?” i asked, feeling a bit shy. It HAD been a while since i had talked to the younger.
“Well, i got married last year! I sent you an invite, but i guess i copied down the address wrong..” he added with a frown.
I felt a shiver run down my body. It wasn't that i hadn't recieved the invite - as a matter of fact, i had ignored it, for my own selfish qialms. After all, he was the same boy, who had captured my heart, the same person who i thought about in my waking moments, away from the village. Was it not yesterday, when we were both young adolescents, who swore that we'd never get married and run away far from the village, and travel wherever our hearts desire? Maybe to him, those were just something of the past - words said by a impulsive teenager. Yet to me, those words were in a way, a promise, for my selfish gains of having him all to myself.
"It won't be that bad - I mean, if we have enough money, and if we, possibly, pinch somebody's car, we'd be able to run away far from here, no?" Jungwon said, looking up at the stars, scooting closer to where i was lying on the ground.
"But who's car are you planning on taking? No one, other than those who come from the city have one - and i'm pretty sure they'd catch up if we were even successfull." i sighed, closing my eyes.
Jungwon pouted, turning to face me. "No need to be such a wet blanket , Hyung. If we want to, we'll be able to." He said, determined.
I laughed, turning to face him as well. "Well then, when will we start with our plans?" I asked, ruffling his hair.
"Whenever you want." He said, smiling impishly.
“Who’s the lucky girl?” i asked, trying to keep my tone light, coming back to the present .“Kim Serin - Sunoo hyung’s younger sister, you remember? Our families thought it’ll be good if we both got married, to you know, ‘strengthen the bond’” he scoffed, rolling his eyes.
“But it’s not like i dont like her!” he added quickly. “She’s clever, and really fun to be with - i really do enjoy talking to her! And um.. Just a week back… we got the news she’s expecting..” he said, a tinge of red spreading across his cheeks.
I had no idea that my heart could drop even further then where it had earlier, but it did now. I felt jealousy coursing through my blood.
“You’re going to be a father? That’s… that’s great!” i said, hoping he didn’t hear the strain in my voice. It felt weird - So much had occurred during the time i had been away, so much i had missed out on. It felt unfair.
“Hey! The ramyeon store is still open! Let’s go and have some!” he said, (thankfully) oblivious to how tense i had become.“It’s going to be just like the old times! Come on!” he took my hand, and dragged me along.
Walking inside the small, dingy restaurant flooded me with memories once more. Not much had changed, other than some of the furniture.
“2 bowls of ramyeon and one plate of tteokboki, please!” Jungwon cheerily called
.“Now, tell me what’s been going on with YOU - i’ve been talking about myself this entire time!”
“Well, nothing much, to be very honest.” i confessed.
The city, was different, in many ways. The people there, were more open, to certain ideas, that the people back here, would definitely not be able to digest well.
I told him about the two other guys i met, who were from neighboring districts - Sim Jaeyun and Park Jongseong, and the different foods i ate, the different people i met.
“Well, you certainly did NOT do nothing!” he chuckled, as we ate. I smiled back.
“One more bowl of ramyeon, please! And could you pack it up?” he called out.
“Is it for your wife?” i asked, taking another bite.
“No- it’s for you.” he smiled. “You can take it and eat it at home later on.”
I felt a small, but sharp ache in my heart. This strange feeling kept creeping in further. Although older, he was still the very same boy who had captured my heart and mind.
“You don’t have to…” i mumbled softly.
“Relax! You just came back home after 8 years!” he said, dismissing me with a wave of his hand.
After that, we went for a stroll, towards a more quieter area.
“Do you remember this place, Hyung? We used to come and play here all the time..” he said, smiling widely.
I laughed softly. “how could i not?” This was where a majority of our memories were made. We did stupid things aplenty. We also had moments, where things got too out of hand as well. This was the place where i had last talked to him, before i left. I never really had a chance to say goodbye to him after that.
:"Jungwon, have you ever, felt something that you're not really supposed to feel?" I asked him, my voice small.
"Well... depending on the situation, yeah. Why, what's wrong?" He yawned, as he stretched.
"I sometimes feel really.... strange around this person. And i think its because i like that person. But i'm not supposed to like that person." I said, my voice quavering, lowering my head down with shame.
"Like? As a friend or...?" Jungwon asked, a confused expression on his face.
"Something more." I blushed, unable to look him the eye, because after all, the person was HIM.
"Well, who's stopping you? I mean, as long as that person isn't bad, and won't make you do i don't think there's an issue. Besides i mean, it's just that you like them, that's all. Maybe you're confusing how much you appreciate their presence in your life, to well, liking them." he replied, while getting up, outstretching his hand towards me.
"Yeah, maybe it's that after all." I muttered, taking his hand and getting up as well.
We sat together on the ground, looking up at the sky.
For a while everything was quiet. Then i turned to look at him. He really hadn’t changed much, over the years.
I look at the sky above, brightly illuminated with the stars, and an occasional firework bursting, spreading its colorful sparks all over.
"I've missed this.." I murmured, reminiscing parts of my childhood once more - how bright, how colourful, how lively it was, like the sparks of a firework, compared to how my life was now - dreary, monotonous, lifeless, somewhat like the firework after it has finally burnt out.
"There's more to come." Jungwon said cheerily. "Although things may never be the same as they were back then, I know, that things will work out for the better. For even those of us, who feel as if they've got no hope."
I smiled at Jungwon's statement. He was still my one beacon in the dark, in this small, mundane village. My first love.
Maybe one day, i'd find somebody else. Someone more appropriate, someone i could love freely. Or maybe he'd be my last, till the very end of my life.
But none of this mattered - For now, i eagerly grabbed this precious moment, which fate handed to me on a silver platter, and cherish it gratefully.