Archive of Our Own

The characteristic high pitch noise of the jumping rope came to a halt and a deep exhale followed swiftly as he let his lungs expand further and catch his breath.

The air was buzzing with something heavy, both suffocating and endearing at the same time.
He could feel it blend in with the satisfying fatigue. He hadn't managed to give it a name yet, but it was radiating off of the other, loud and distracting despite him not making a single sound.

It was there as he removed the weights from his ankles, as he stretched his arms and shook some sweat off his forehead.

And it stayed there even as Hyuntak finally turnt to face its source.

Humin was sat on the floor, his cheek pressed against his knee while he admired from afar, as though Hyuntak's way of moving was intriguing to him.
He held a gaze that was far heavier than the anxiety settled on his bones.
Piercing. Unashamed of being caught, as if the sole reason he was doing it was for Hyuntak to see.

There was a glimmer in his eyes, flickering on and off in both awe and worry as Hyuntak walked over and plopped beside him with a grunt.

Hyuntak didn't mention any of it, not as the redeeming strain washed over him, or as a bottle of water was wordlessly handed to him.

" Don't overdo it.", he heard as soon as he groaned at the satisfying exhaustion settling slowly on his muscles.
" You already have a bad knee.", mumbled Humin, suddenly hesitant to face the other, as if the half healed wound was his own to bear.

Hyuntak, on the other hand, refused to take his eyes off of him, their roles reversed as his turn to silently admire arrived.
" I need to do something.", he retorted with a deep sigh.

The physical exhaustion was an excuse, a way for his mind to trick itself into being tired so that it wouldn't be able to supply him with the what ifs and maybes the next day might bring.

They wouldn't lose. He knew that much, and yet his worry about the casualties they'd be walking away with managed to slowly distress him more and more, made him anxious and pumped with adrenaline, as though he hadn't spent his entire life getting into petty fights, some far more dangerous than others.

" You think too much. ", Humin muttered when he noticed the far away look the other wore, his frown that was just a bit deeper than usual, unaware that he himself was mimicking that exact same concern in his own face.

" I'm pretty sure you're the one who thinks too much.", Hyuntak countered at once and froze slightly the moment he saw a pair of hazy eyes lock on his, offering a silent question, requesting an explanation.
" You're worried about him. ", he said, his small smirk dropping the moment he saw realisation flash in the other's features and his shoulders tensing harshly.
" Na Baekjin." and he regretted saying the name out loud as soon as it left his lips.

It felt odd, like spitting out poison, though for some reason he found himself oddly unbothered by the taste, half immune by then.
It was a familiar bitterness, one he could maybe get used to one day.

" It's normal. ", he started again, interrupting anything Humin had to say,
" You love him. You shouldn't have to fight someone so special to you.", falsely unaffected, as if the boy he was speaking of was a bittersweet memory rather than the root of both his physical and mental struggles.
" Maybe after this settles you two can finally make up.", Hyuntak went on to say, his gaze wistful in such an odd, unreadable way, " Maybe you just need to kick his ass to make him come back to his senses. ", he smirked.

Humin didn't react, at least not in the way he had expected him to.
He sat frozen with his eyebrows perched, a messy mix of despair and amusement decorating his face, in a way expecting Hyuntak to elaborate further, to explain where this was coming from.

And Hyuntak had no real answer to provide.
It was all in his head, in the very same mind that had managed to distort and twist the facts so that they could fit into the constricting mold Hyuntak had unwillingly created for himself.

He couldn't admit that he had spent years spent thinking about this, that his reactions varied ridiculously as time went on.

At first there was fear that Humin would get hurt the same way he had, but even Baekjin seemed to have limits on what he was capable of doing and what not.
Then came the anger that someone as selfishly cruel would dare to love Park Humin, would dare try to take away a spark so giving and bright and dull it, or keep it to himself.
And as time passed, Hyuntak found himself surrendering, letting his envy and bitterness linger silently underneath his skin as he watched Humin slowly break under the weight of loss and betrayal.

Because Baekjin, despite his flaws, meant something to Humin and they both already have had to deal with far too much loss.
Hyuntak could try to coexist with him, could monitor his every move from the side to make sure he could one day become someone worthy of breathing the same air as Humin.

" You don't have to lose him. ", he muttered when the silence had gotten far too suffocating for his liking.

And he hadn't meant for it to sound so void and lifeless, but just as he was about to attempt to fix it with a chuckle and an easygoing comment, Humin scoffed.
Soft, sorrowful and wrecked.

" Wow.", he breathed out, his eyebrows far up and his eyes widened in disbelief.

" What? "

Humin searched, desperate to find any sign that this wasn't what he really thought as the truth, that he couldn't possibly think of himself as insignificant.

" And you call me the idiot.", he eventually said when there was no such thing anywhere among the other's features.

" What? ", repeated Hyuntak with a frown which deepened when Humin covered his face with his palm in exasperation.
" I'm not dense, okay? ", he chuckled, the acidity attempting to hide somewhere among the defensiveness.
" You love him. It's normal. ", he then shrugged and tried to suppress the shame at how something achingly close to raw jealously clogged up his throat.
" He's a piece of shit for treating you that way, but you love him. "
Acceptance. Cruel and unwanted, but final, as if he had finally convinced himself to believe it.

For treating you that way, Humin mimicked in his mind. Him. Not Hyuntak himself. Him.

" He does mean a lot to me, but I don't love him.", he corrected quickly, as if he'd start pulling on his hair in despair if Hyuntak were to spend one more minute believing that.

" Bullshit. ", scowled Hyuntak and it only acted as an other thorn in Humin's torn and broken heart.

For Humin it wasn't the jealousy that drove him over the edge. If anything it was endearing in its own way. Sad, but sweet.
It was the acceptance. As if Hyuntak had somehow confirmed it all and had managed to come to terms with it already. As if he had compared himself to Baekjin and came to the conclusion that Humin wouldn't be happy with him alone.

"I used to, I admit.", Humin eventually muttered, mercilessly ashamed for his past self as hostile memories resurfaced by the admission.

A helpless boy had become someone Humin could no longer stand looking at, an angry and violent shell of his self who believed everyone deserved to go through hell just because he had.
Lonely, but far too prideful to ask for company. A stray dog that bit the hands of anyone who tried to offer love.

" I also used to believe he would snap out of it and come back to his senses, that maybe one day we could go back to how we were.", Humin continued, his gaze dropping low as he was reminded of his hopelessly optimistic mindset, as cruel and sour nostalgia dug it's claws into his chest and raked back and forth, leaving him with bleeding ribbons of regret and bitterness.
" But that'll never happen.", I was hoping you'd know that, he added in his mind, but the way Hyuntak's eyes asked him to elaborate only broke him more.
" Why would I ever forgive him?", he said at once, his eyes glazed with pure disbelief at how Hyuntak could easily decipher the code of his entire existence, but could somehow not see how much value he held, how much space he was taking in Humin's heart.
" He ruined your life. ", he uselessly elaborated, spat it out like blood of a wound that had never stopped bleeding.

Hyuntak scanned his face, soft brown hues locking onto every feature, every twitch of his wobbling lips, the glistening slowly gathering at his lower eyelids.

It was conflicting, how his heart had simultaneously sunk and came to life at the confession.

He opted to roll his eyes, despite the shaky sigh that he couldn't hold back.
" It's not entirely ruined.", he offered quietly.
If it were truly ruined then he wouldn't be looking so shamelessly at the one person who made him feel worthy of living, he wouldn't still have Humin's eyes in his life.

If Baekjin had wanted to truly ruin his life he would have had to strike Humin.

Humin translated it all, loud and clear in his head, let the thorned vines of the other's loyalty wrap around his heart and squeeze until it bled in blue hues, until it got replaced by a handful of shattering flower petals.
Painful in the most redeeming way, agonising to the point where Humin was convinced that this was his last moment on Earth.

He'd be a hypocrite to resent the other for hurting him in such a lovely way.

The urge to give in a pull Hyuntak into his arms, to try and replicate the embrace and hold him until he realised how much he truly meant to him, had never been stronger.

Instead, Humin exhaled shakily as he reached forward, his fingers just barely rubbing the other's wrist back and forth before grabbing it softly and bringing it onto his own cheek.

Hyuntak followed the movement with his gaze, simply complying and letting his thumb brush gently under his eye without a question.

" Have I ever told you about the deal him and I made?", the other spoke, hesitant, but loud against the silence.
" Well, it was more of a promise, a plead."

And he noticed how Hyuntak's shoulders tensed. Humin turnt to face him and offered a puzzled look before it faded into surprise at the recognition he was met with.
All he could do was huff at the fact that Hyuntak already seemed to know.
An open book, that's what Humin was to him. A vibrant hue in a world where everyone else saw in black and white, a melodic song in a universe where no one else appreciated music.

He had accidentally provided a single hint in that damned hospital room, one slip up among his panic, and Hyuntak had simply caught it and put the pieces together without ever feeling the need to ask about it.

A part of him was selfishly grateful that he wouldn't have to explain, to utter those words, to admit that he had fallen on his knees and begged for Hyuntak to be kept out of their mess.

"One simple promise, the most important to me, and he couldn't keep it.", Humin opted to continue with a scoff, ugly and rough.
" The thought of ever forgiving him hasn't crossed my mind since that day."

That day.
The day Hyuntak's wings had been clipped and Humin lost his ability to fly, as if his mind was connected to the other's body, falsely convincing himself that it was his own freedom that had gotten battered and rendered useless.

Hyuntak's hand shook against his cheek before it slipped down.

" Baku.", and it sounded like a warning, a plead for him to stop talking, and simultaneously a contrast against his eyes that instead begged Humin to keep going.

"I still don't know why I can't entirely hate him.", Humin smiled, a sour and fragile thing, "You should hate me for it.", he punctuated with his finger softly pressing on the other's chest and watched as his eyes widened slightly, as if the idea alone of hating him was the most obscure thing.
" I guess deep down I'm still mourning the version of him that died years ago, the version I loved.", he started, his eyes slightly narrowed in thought, trying to dig up reasons, to explain to both him and Hyuntak why he had allowed himself to be split in half by a person who tried to take away everything from him.
" But no amount of pity or nostalgia will ever be enough to justify what he did.", it was wistful and bitter all at once, a combination that oddly suited him in the worst way.
" So no, I'm not worried about him. " a smile, final and sweet as he circled back to the start, to the very first sentence that had glued him in place.

It's you I'm worried about. You and your dangerously neverending loyalty.

The silence was short lived, Hyuntak only allowed himself to freeze for a few seconds, just enough to mentally photograph and memorise the inviting and foolishly gentle look in the other's eyes.

" You talk too much, dumbass.", he eventually mumbled as he looked the other way just in time to hide the mirroring glistening in his own eyelids.

Until hands pulled him forward, a palm cupping the side of his face as it slowly guided him, not letting go even when Hyuntak gave in and nested his head on the crook of the other's neck.

" And you should talk more, you jerk.", Humin bit back, soft yet demanding as he let his chin rest on the other's head.
" There's room for only one pathetic overthinker and I've proudly held that title for years. "

Hyuntak chuckled, wet and hesitant.
" You kept trying, so I figured you didn't want to lose him.", he muttered, half embarrassed and half relieved when the other sighed.

" I kept trying to slap some sense into him before he hurt someone else.", Humin elaborated, the disappointment in his voice aimed at no one but himself.
Hyuntak hadn't been there to hear the cruel words he had used to make Baekjin snap back into reality. Hyuntak had only seen Humin lie and secretly visit him, had seen Humin's tears of frustration when he returned.
It had been a false translation, justified and bitter.

“ I’ll make a final attempt tomorrow. “, he added, a promise to both him and Hyuntak that he’d stop tormenting himself and those around him with a person who was unwilling to change for the better after being given so many chances.

The silence of the night accompanied them as they held each other and eventually as they got up and made their way through the quiet and empty streets.

Hyuntak felt it again. That suffocating and endearing weight on his shoulders that radiated off of the other’s gaze.
He simply tightened his grip on their intertwined hands and kept walking, too afraid to ask, too hesitant to feel so much for the second time that night.

But it couldn’t wait for an other day and Humin made it painfully obvious.

“ Gogo,”, he called as soon as they reached the front porch, stopping the other in his tracks.

Hyuntak turnt and looked at him expectedly, preparing his heart to ache for the hundredth time that day.

“If I lose tomorrow, don’t you dare step in”, Humin began, cautious and stern.

He watched Hyuntak’s eyes widen in pure, unfiltered fear, watched his lips open, ready to protest or ask for an explanation.

“ He will spew bullshit, ask for a second round with anyone that might object to his victory.”, Humin rushed to say, eager to be clear and as straightforward as he could, to drill his request into the other’s skull.
“ Don’t even think about it.”

“ You speak as if you’re certain you’ll lose.”, came the wary response, drowning in panic.
Maybe it was due to the fact that Humin had never spoken about defeat, had never had to deal with it, at least not like that.
Or maybe the unnerving part was how serious the request sounded, demanding, as if Hyuntak shouldn’t even consider disobeying it.

“ I never start fights I know I won’t win.”, smirked Humin, just a fragile attempt at soothing the raw shock he had brought to the other’s features.
“ Sieun and I have a plan.”

“ Go ahead and share it with the rest of the class, then.”, came the curious response as Hyuntak crossed his arms over his chest and waited expectedly.

Humin shook his head.
“ You won’t like it.”, he said with a crooked smile, “ But it will be successful, I’m sure of it.”, he then rushed to add as soon as he noticed suspicion turn into panic.
“ Still, I need you to promise.”
Deperate, pleading in the most demanding way he could muster.

“ No.”, was Hyuntak’s simple reply, nonchalant and monotone.

“ Gotak.”, Humin sighed right back, aiming for it to sound like a warning, but instead only managing to sound fragile, afraid.

Hyuntak shook his head.
“ We’ve both had to deal with a fair share of broken promises. I don’t need to add more to the list.”

You don’t start fights you know you won’t lose and I don’t make promises I know I won’t keep, his eyes spelled, challenging and daring in a way that only he could make look so effortless.

Humin’s eyes fluttered shut as he let out yet an other shaky sigh.
“ You’re no match for him.”, he mumbled and it hurt to even voice it out loud.
He expected it to hurt Hyuntak even more, to bring out anger, a sea of insults, or even a violent yank of his collar, but the other merely raised his eyebrow in amusement.
“ He’ll kill you if you give him the chance.”, added Humin and let his eyes fall wide at the response.

“ I know.”, Hyuntak chuckled, casual and honest, refusing to acknowledge the fact that those two words alone had acted as a confession.

I’d die for you. That’s nothing new.

And Humin’s eyes pleaded, begged him to take it back, to turn that fond confidence into anger and yell at him instead.
Still, he made no move to seal the deal, to offer an empty promise he’d break with no hesitation.

“ You can’t just say that so casually.”, Humin breathed out and his lips only wobbled more at the smug shrug he received.

“ If you by some miracle lose, I’m not letting you go down on your own.”, retorted Hyuntak, formed more thorns and jabbed them right into Humin’s heart.
“That was our initial promise wasn’t it?”, he then fired back, his cockiness suddenly disappearing as he got busy scanning the other’s face, looking for recognition, a confirmation that Humin remembered.

“ Hyuntak-ah.”, spoken like a prayer, quiet and regretful, as though the weight of the promise was suddenly crushing him brutally.

“ It’s simple. Don’t lose and you won’t have to worry about this.”, the other interrupted, his sharp eyes daring the other to try and doubt himself more, to disagree with him.

Humin made no move to do so and as if a switch had flipped, Hyuntak suddenly grinned, letting his concern wallow behind his carefree attitude.

“ You’re stubborn as a mule. I trust you.”, he smiled at last, nudging the other with his elbow before walking off with a casual wave and a mindless goodnight.

And it was that very trust that Humin simultaneously feared and cherished.
Blind, raw and offered so freely, as if Humin hadn’t made countless mistakes before.

His and Sieun’s plan suddenly felt heavy against his shoulders and the weight only grew when Sieun was nowhere to be found the next day.

It kept growing as Juntae ran to look for him, as he locked eyes with Baekjin for the first time and as he watched Hyuntak’s determined scowl harden his features.

Humin felt it coming. Felt his feet give up beneath him, his head ring with mocks of failure and his vision whiten momentarily.

The ground was cold and harsh as it dug on the back of his head, it only made the momentary defeat feel more real.

The distorted voice that echoed across the field felt ten times louder in his ears, the words incomprehensible, but the tone condescending enough to keep Humin on the loop.
Even with his foggy mind he could guess exactly what Baekjin was saying.

It had all been far too predictable. He hadn’t held out for as long as he had expected, but their plan still held hope.
He had no energy to perch his head up and search in the crowd for the familiar figure, but he refused to doubt their luck.
Sieun would be here in no time.

And just as his ringing ears cleared up enough, he heard it. Predictable and cruel.

“If anyone wishes to object, step forward.”

The rustling of dirt sounded near him and while he expected to feel relief, his heart didn’t waste a second before dropping in terror.
Slow steps, one foot moving forward while the other slightly dragged behind it in such a characteristic way that had been haunting Humin for years and would continue to until he dropped dead.

Humin tried to call his name, give a weak sounding but firm warning, but his lips could only open and close in heavy pants as the blue and gray swirls of the sky above him brought more nausea to the surface.

He must’ve made a sound because he got a reply.

“ Shut up.”, a familiar voice, the words spoken from behind his gritted teeth.
Not afraid, but tired and angry to their core.

The huff that followed made Humin’s spine tingle, made cold shivers travel through his entire body and paralyse him further.

“ Of course.”, Baekjin mumbled, faking disinterest and boredom, despite the burning satisfaction that Humin heard loud and clear.
It burnt. His throat burnt with the need to yell, to shout that this was enough, that he had won already.

Humin couldn’t do anything as the first groan sounded, as the boy he swore to protect with his life fought an entirely unfair fight, a fight he was never supposed to take part in.

The chaos happening next to him couldn’t surpass the sound of his own thoughts, but it was there violent and menacing as it dug deeper into his heart and as it pried the blue flowers away from it.

Get up. Do something.
His body was glued on the floor while his mind was racing, conflicted between cursing the entire universe or praying to it.

His limbs refused to cooperate, even as Hyuntak’s deep and trembling breaths sounded achingly close to him.

He could feel Hyuntak hold back his voice, could tell the boy was trying his hardest to compose himself and not hurt him too much by being vocal, by letting Humin hear how much it hurt, but it was unsuccessful and only fueled Humin with more sorrow.

Focus on yourself for once. Don’t think about me, he wanted to shout, to release the trapped words from behind his numb lips.

And Hyuntak eventually broke, like he was meant to do from the start.
A pained yell sounded, rough and harsh as it echoed in Humin’s brain, seethed it’s way through his entire being and left gaping holes in his chest.

They were out of his line of vision, but the pants and choked grunts were more than enough to fill him in, to create a picture that would haunt him until the day he would drop dead.

Until he finally was mercilessly offered a glimpse.

The blue flowers of loyalty decorating his heart were now littered with crimson patches, half tarnished and withering away, but still holding onto Humin as if they had been planted for him and him alone.

Hyuntak’s weight was held up by a hand on his hair and his trembling legs, blood streaming down his nose and mouth as he choked on his breath.

He was keeping his gaze high, refusing to look down and meet Humin’s, not out of shame, but rather mercy.
As if he knew that letting him meet his eyes would break him.

The sight was taunting, a nightmare pulled straight from Humin’s brain and presented in front of him.

Baekjin held the other like a trophy, a wild animal he had decided to kill after failing countless times to tame it.
It was on purpose. He wanted Humin to see, to watch as he tried to uselessly prove his worth and as Hyuntak seemingly broke.

His grip tightened, unbothered by the other’s weak attempts at yielding the cruel fingers out of his hair, and made Hyuntak face him before dropping him.

A broken whimper escaped Hyuntak’s torn lips the moment his knees hit the ground fire jolting through his entire body and throbbing in the most painfully familiar way.

Humin had never hated himself more than at that moment, had never wished for the earth to split in half and swallow him whole.
All he could do was struggle against the agonising numbness of his limbs and helplessly watch as the person most dear to him suffered for his sake for the hundredth time, as the vines kept holding onto his heart despite being poisoned and cut down.

Baekjin’s shoe settled right on Hyuntak’s knee, smearing mud all over the fabric, and Hyuntak swore, even through his ringing ears, he heard Humin cry out, heard a wailing plead, half terrified and half wrathful.

Right before Baekjin could bring his leg up and kick, he groaned in pain, instinctively removing his grip from Hyuntak’s hair and letting him drop to the ground like a puppet without its strings.

Sieun’s voice had never sounded as heavenly as it did at that moment, like a gift sent from the Gods to grand Humin the slightest bit of mercy at last.

With the corner of his eye Humin watched as Hyuntak’s chest moved up and down, painfully rapid and deep at the same time.

Hyuntak swore under his breath, letting out a sound that could be considered both a choked grunt and a chuckle.
Uneasy, not entirely relieved.

He simply laid there, looking at the sky as blood trickled down his temple and cheek, as his entire body trembled in adrenaline and exhaustion.

Humin only realised he had reached for him when the other’s hand also snaked towards him and stopped when their finger tips brushed against the muddy ground.
Just out of touch, just barely in sight.

“ I’m okay.”, Humin heard, a hoarse whisper that got nearly lost in the chaos of the fight behind them.
“ Don’t think about me. Just get up.”, he added after allowing himself a few deep breaths and Humin hated how unashamed he sounded, without an ounce of regret. Nothing but raw determination.

He also hated how much it worked, how that determination was mirrored right back into him and slowly fought its way towards the top, until his body started feeling like his own again.

Humin didn’t dare look at Hyuntak when he eventually stood up, didn’t want to acknowledge the shaky sigh of relief that sounded behind him.
He pointily looked up, determined to finish this first before allowing himself to break.

His punch held far more hatred than he believed was possible, an attempt to focus all of his agony into his fist and deliver it to the other, to return the pain he had caused.

Sieun released a shaky breath before nodding his head at him, a wordless indication that he was alright, that he’d get up. That they had won.

Hyuntak was already attempting to stand up, his arms barely lifting him off the ground before they gave out under him. More mud splashed onto him as he fell, but an annoyed groan was all that left his lips. Not a call for help, or even a swear. As if this was nothing but a minor inconvenience.

Humin didn’t say a word as he kneeled next to him and Hyuntak didn’t dare look at him.

His hand, as if magnetised, reached to wipe some of the blood off his cheek and stayed there until the other eventually relaxed under it and sighed.

“ Just help me up.”, he mumbled, hoarse and strained.

And Humin did just that, carefully lifted him into his arms and kept holding him, allowing him to lean half his weight onto him.

They both scanned each other, looking for anything major before eventually brown met hazel, bleeding blue petals met rosy and torn ones.

Hyuntak offered a small, reassuring smile that looked horribly misplaced among his muddy and bleeding features.
Humin looked away.

“ Can you walk?”, Sieun suddenly yielded their attention, his scratched and bloody eyebrow slightly furrowing in concern.

“ We’ll find out.”, Hyuntak grinned before letting his own face distort in concern at the sight of the other.
“ Fucking hell.”, he muttered, concern bouncing off of him, but Sieun waved it off.

Humin stepped in front of him, lowering himself slightly in a wordless offer.

Instead, Hyuntak patted his back and pulled him up by his jacket until they were facing each other again.
“ I’ve still got some of my pride left.”, he tried to lighten the mood, to provoke their familiar banter and wipe that colourless expression off of the other’s face.

“ Hyuntak.”, Humin spoke for the first time in a while, dull, monotone, and Hyuntak reeled back as if he had been burned.

Just Hyuntak. No nickname, endearment or even a playful insult.

It shouldn’t hurt as much, but it did. It was more than enough to make his smirk drop, to slap him with the realisation that this wasn’t something they could just bounce back from.

Still, he found himself regretting nothing.

“ You’re hurt too. I’m not letting you carry me.”, he retorted and before the other could even sigh he had grabbed his arm and placed it on his waist.
“ There. “, he said lightly as he slung his own arm around his shoulder and offered a hesitant smirk. “ A compromise. “
Humin looked away once again, too occupied by his own mind to argue more and opting to focus entirely on making sure no extra pressure would be added on the other’s right leg.

They walked in silence, entirely ignoring the excited narration of Hyoman’s fight.
Juntae met them halfway, stuck by Sieun’s side and joined their silence after making sure they were alright.

The bus seats at that moment felt like the most comfortable place in the world. Juntae was out like a light and Hyuntak followed him swiftly, letting his eyes glare holes of concern into Humin until they eventually slipped shut.

“ If I had been there on time this wouldn’t have happened.”, Humin heard out of the blue, right as he was ready to close his eyes and give in as well.

He turnt around and was met with none other than Sieun, whose battered face was littered with something more than just physical injuries and fatigue.

“ I’m sorry.”, he added, his gaze still stuck forward and his features carrying nothing but exhaustion and recognition.

Humin smiled sadly.
“ Come on, you’re supposed to be the smart one. “, he simply said, his smile widening slightly when Sieun looked at him with wonder in his eyes.
“ It’s not your fault, buddy.”, Humin then explained, “ He’s just an idiot.”, he added, not even bothering to cover up his guilt behind playful indifference. Sieun understood. Painfully so.
“ Thanks for coming.”, he stated confidently, “ And for everything, really. I owe you.”, he lightly nudged the other’s ribs with his elbow and huffed when he rolled his eyes before letting them close.

Humin swore he saw a faint smile offered to him before he allowed his own exhaustion to take over.

Hyuntak didn’t attempt to fill the tense silence as they made their way towards Humin’s house, refusing to acknowledge how Humin wordlessly understood that he didn’t want to show up at his own house and let his mom see him like this.

They took showers in that exact silence, changed and entered the bedroom without exchanging a single glance.

Hyuntak stayed silent as he was sat on the bed, as he watched the other return with an ice pack in his hands and as he began their by then familiar ritual.

Humin’s dull expression never vanished, no matter how softly Hyuntak had groaned in relief as soon as his knee was wrapped in a more than familiar way before an ice pack was placed on it.

Hyuntak said nothing as the extra bottle of painkillers Humin kept in his drawer was put in his hands, or as he laid on the bed and stared up at the other.

“ Baku.”, he called suddenly, after the quiet pace of their breathing slowly put him more and more on edge.
"Is your head alright? '', he questioned quietly, far too exhausted and drained of adrenaline to evenreach for the other, to provide comfort.

No playful jab, no insult or even an empty reassurance. Humin didn't want any of it at that moment.

" Sleep. ", was the simply reply.
The rest can wait until tomorrow.

And Hyuntak could only nod and let his eyes slip shut, let the fingers that hesitantly snaked in his hair lure him to sleep, a gentle touch to replace the ache of Baekjin's hold.
The same gaze that Humin had offered him the previous night was back. He could feel it graze every inch of his existence, filling it with emotions Hyuntak was far too tired to decipher.

His sleep was restless, but he couldn't possibly look worse than the other boy, who was still stuck in the same position with his hand still buried in his hair and his gaze still stuck on his bare skin, littered with crimson and purple.

For the first time in a long while, Hyuntak couldn't fully translate the other, was unable to read the thoughts that could be possibly flashing by his taunted mind.

Their eyes met. Hyuntak offered a hazy and concerned frown, Humin looked away.

He pulled back, immediately rummaging through the drawers and coming back with a first aid kit.
And for a little while he simply stared, let his eyes rapidly scan Hyuntak's tarnished skin, as if he was trying to decide which wound he had to prioritize.

He reached for the fully bloomed bruise on his torso, left a feather light touch near it before getting to work.

“ Are you mad at me?”, Hyuntak wondered, skillfully feigning indifference and scoffing when the response was more silence.
“ And here i thought being loyal earned you praise.”, came a quiet mumble as Hyuntak snatched the clean cotton pad from the other’s hand and brought it at the bloodied corner of his mouth.

Humin’s entire body tensed at both the words and the gentle touch on his lips.
“ I told you not to do it. “, he muttered as he forced his attention to not drift away from the cut on the other’s jaw that he needed to cover up.

“ And I told you I would do it anyway. “, countered Hyuntak with a shrug while his fingers gently brushed the hair away from the drying gash on the other’s forehead before dabbing the cotton pad with the ointment over it.
“ Both of us were crystal clear, I don’t see where the issue is. “

He watched as Humin’s fist shook, as he harshly clutched the bandaid he had been holding in it before letting it drop on Hyuntak’s lap along with his gaze.

“ I told you there was a plan.”, he said, wearing a mask of composure that he wasn’t sure he could hold on to for much longer.

Hyuntak didn’t waste a second before scoffing.
“ And I was supposed to be okay with your and Sieun’s god tier plan that involved you getting beaten to a pulp?”

“ You were supposed to trust me.”, he retorted without a pause.

“ You were half conscious on the ground. The sight didn’t exactly spark certainty and success. “, was the immediate response, concern hiding itself skillfully behind annoyance and anger.

“ So you decided to just step in a fight you knew you’d lose? “

Hyuntak looked right into his eyes, for the first time unable to understand him entirely.

What was supposed to be reassuring certainty only made Humin want to dig deeper, to hide and never allow himself to face the other again.
But he couldn’t. He had to explain, Hyuntak had to know.

“ If Sieun hadn’t showed up in time- “

“ But he did.”, Hyuntak interrupted swiftly, “ So why does it matter?”

Dismissive of his own worth, of his life. Far too loyal to realise just how much it wrecked Humin, to remember that they were supposed to be by each other’s side instead of standing in front of Humin to catch all the stray bullets.

Hyuntak's fingers hooked under the other’s jaw, gently pulling his head and forcing him to look up as he went back to treating the cut on his head.

The brown pair of eyes shook in disbelief as they stared at him, glimmering with tears that he knew would escape sooner or later.

“ He could’ve killed you.”, deadpanned Humin, letting his shaking and strained voice contrast his woeful eyes.
Part of him wanted to swat the warmth away from him, to leave and sleep on the couch, where he wouldn’t have to look at the reminder of his failure in the form of the many new scars Hyuntak would be stuck with.
The other part of him was selfish, greedy, yearning for the comfort Hyuntak would inevitably drown him with, for the touch that acted like medicine and would eventually chase the pain away.

“ He didn’t.”, was the response, soft and offered with a reassuring smile and a bandaid placed gently on his head.

Humin couldn’t hold back a scoff, broken and harsh as it crawled its way up his throat, and Hyuntak opted to simply move on to the bruise on his cheek and carefully clean it.

“ Was I supposed to just let him talk shit and humiliate you? “, he wondered when the other’s lips had opened and closed shut in hesitance far too many times.

“ You were supposed to do anything but step in.”, Humin raised his voice, but still made no move to pull away from the hand cupping his cheek.

“ Aren’t you tired of telling me to not get involved? “, huffed Hyuntak lightly,
“ You know I don’t mind getting hurt. “, came the once again casual reply and Humin could suddenly no longer allow himself to drink up the comfort he knew he didn’t deserve.
He turned the other way, his hand clutching the other’s and prying it away from himself.

“ And you know that I do. “, he snapped, far too ruined to acknowledge the widened eyes that stared back at him in surprise,
“ So no, I’m not gonna stop trying to get you to stop being such a reckless asshole.”
It was spoken harshly. Not loud, but stern, filled with emotions Humin clearly wasn’t used to feeling or showing.

Hyuntak’s lips pursed shut, letting the silence fill up the room once again and surround them like fog.
His hands hang awkwardly over his lap before he let them fall when the other glanced at him, let him see the raw panic in his eyes.

He followed Humin’s every move as he clutched his hands into fists for a few moments, took a deep breath and then went back searching through the first aid kit.

The palm that cupped his face trembled horribly, and so did the one trying to carefully wipe ointment over the cut on his upper cheek.

“ I can do it myself.”, he offered eventually, when the frustrated frown the other wore bore far too deep in his chest.

Humin merely sighed and kept trying, shaky hands holding the other carefully, but failing to heal him.

He was looking much better than he had with all the blood and mud on him, but Humin had already managed to engrave that cruel image in his brain, the one of Hyuntak struggling to stay up as a hand violently held him by the hair, the crimson and purple decorating his pale skin like a sickening watercolour painting.

It somehow felt worse than seeing him on that damned rooftop, despite the damage being ridiculously less severe.
Perhaps because this time they could have prevented it, or because this time he had someone to share the blame with.

Not Hyuntak, not even Baekjin.
Loyalty. The stupid and undying loyalty the other held for him, the casual disregard of his life for his sake and the unintentional ignorance of where Humin’s priorities lied.

“Humin-ah,”, a voice called, gentle yet panicked, and it was only then that Humin acknowledged the warmth streaming down his cheeks and the burn in his lungs.
“ We’re okay. “, Hyuntak added while his eyes flickered around the other’s face in a haste, dreadful and alarmed as he watched the other freeze in place while staring right into his eyes.
“ Breathe.”

Humin felt his hands being held by an other pair, squeezed between them and kept right over Hyuntak’s lap.

Everything was a blur, everything other than the vibrant crimson on the other’s face and knuckles and his carefully wrapped knee.
It ached and burnt violently, filled his lungs with soot and his mouth with a phantom metallic taste.

If he tried hard enough he could picture the walls of his room dripping with dull white paint as it slowly turned into the familiar halls of the hospital.

“ Breathe, please.”, Hyuntak tried again, placing their intertwined hands right on his chest in an attempt to make the other follow his lead, to breathe with him.
“ I’ve got you. We’re okay.”

And Humin tried to not play along, tried to make it hurt for a while longer.

The vines wrapped around his heart were tightening, desperately trying to make it start beating again, to replace the blood it had lost with the only thing they had to offer.

“ It’s unfair.”, he shakily sighed after enough fragile, blue petals had patched him up, after his throat allowed more than just choked breaths to pass through.

He tried to ignore the widened eyes that met him, the raw concern and relief as he was finally able to slowly follow Hyuntak’s lead and breathe a bit easier.

“ What?”, the other questioned quietly, hesitant and visibly afraid of the vulnerability Humin had to offer.

“ You’ve been begging me to stay with you and yet you try to leave me at any given opportunity.”, Humin mumbled, the words harsh and bitter against his half numb tongue.
“ How is that fair?”, he then wondered, searched for an answer among the confusion and despair the other wore.

“ I wouldn’t leave you. “, Hyuntak was quick to defend himself, his face distorted in disbelief at the indication he didn’t seem to fully grasp.

Humin finally looked at him, forced his sluggish hand to cooperate and hook on Hyuntak’s chin.

“Would you die for me? “, was the rhetorical question that made Hyuntak’s eyes widen, made him tense and try to look away.
The other’s grip kept him in place, forced their gazes to stay glued until Hyuntak closed his, the shame of the realisation far too heavy and painfully obvious.

But Humin had already known the answer. He didn’t need to search for it among the regretful brown shades of his eyes.

“ I don’t want you to prove your loyalty, or get more scars for my sake.”, Humin began, voice trembling just as much as his hand that kept holding the other’s face,
“And most importantly, I don’t want you to die for me.”, a plead, firm and final.
Because there are plenty of ways that Hyuntak tended to use to show his love and Humin hated this one.
He hated that Hyuntak thought of nothing but him as he dove into a fight and yet simultaneously failed to actually think of him.
He hated the fact that Hyuntak thought he was disposable, just a piece of a puzzle that wouldn’t ruin the image if it were to get lost.
He hated that Hyuntak was under the impression that he could compare to any of Humin’s other priorities.

“ Live for me, Hyuntak. That’s what I truly want. “

Hyuntak peeled his eyes open, put the sudden understanding and regret on display for the other to see, let the confession get submerged in the hues of his eyes until it reached his soul.

Death was scary, but dying for Humin had been a natural instinct, his first reaction in dangerous situations.
As if he was born to protect at all costs, to stand on Humin’s side and watch him.
And as if he would be able to handle the guilt if he were to leave Humin alone because of a careless action rooted in loyalty.

Humin’s shoulders fell gradually as he noticed his words sink in.

“ I want you here with me until the very end. “

No one, but you, Hyuntak read in his eyes and simply stared, let himself be held by the pair of trembling hands as he re-read those words again and again like a mantra.

“ Will you stay?”
And Hyuntak heard his own voice mimick the question, reminding him of all the times he had begged for that exact same thing and all the times he himself had tried to leave Humin without even realising it.

It had been loyalty that had blurred his mind, his undying need to dive into danger right after Humin and follow him into depths that Humin would have to drag him out of.
The urge to protect mixed with an emotion far too strong and precious, one that Hyuntak was still afraid to name.

After realising that he had yet to provide an answer, he nodded, slow and certain as his gaze remained unmoving and determined.

“ I promise.”, he said, a sacred thing, healing and honest to its core.
Remorseful, understanding.

And Humin held it, let it get absorbed and turn the thorned vines into velvety ones, let the violent squeeze turn into an embrace that kept him together instead of suffocating him.

No more words were needed, not when Hyuntak’s eyes showed pure apologies and guilt.

He nodded back, felt the tears that sprung from his eyes, but didn’t acknowledge them. They didn’t hurt, they spelled relief.

Still, Hyuntak leaned forward, as if he couldn’t hold himself back any longer, and left a single peck right under his eye.

“Now don’t cry, you idiot. ”, he placed the words right on his skin, planted them like a seed in soft soil, and stayed there until blue flowers bloomed in Humin’s heart once again, this time healthy, thriving.

“ Aren’t you the one usually preaching about expressing my emotions freely? “, came the response, accompanied by a small smile and even more tears.

Hyuntak huffed in defeat, pulling back just enough to see the spark of light in the other’s eyes.
“ Yeah, but this time I’m the one who made you cry and I fucking hate it.”, he went on to say, quiet and ashamed beyond belief.
“ It was stupid. I know now.”

“Just stupid?”, Humin scoffed, his eyebrows furrowed deeply until a thumb reached up to soothe the space between them.

“ Incredibly fucking stupid. I’m a dumbass, we’ve established that”, Hyuntak corrected with a shaky grin as his own eyes watered, creating a wobbling mirror of their joined sorrow.
“ You can keep moping, don’t talk to me for days, punch me in the guts, or whatever you want. Just don’t cry.”

Humin didn’t even consider any of the options, he simply pulled the other in by the back of his neck, let the metallic taste that came with Hyuntak’s torn lips blend in with his relief and long suppressed concern.

“ Or do that, sure. “, Hyuntak panted against him when they parted after a few seconds, a soft smirk blooming on his lips just as Humin felt the garden in his heart grow further.

His hand moved on the back of Hyuntak’s head and pulled him back in, slowly lowering them both on the mattress before letting his fingers get buried in his short, black hair.
With careful and impossibly gentle moves he softly detangled the strands and brushed over them with tenderness that somehow managed to surpass his usual one.

Hyuntak leaned towards the touch, let the other replace Baekjin’s rough treatment and soothe the pain of the memory with his gentle hands and the words silently exchanged between their lips, let gravity make their tears join on his cheeks before Humin wiped them away.

“ You scared the shit out of me.”, he sighed eventually, still refusing to pull away even when they were both panting for breath, his hand staying rooted among the strands of hair despite them being entirely detangled and smooth.

“ I’m sorry. “ it felt cathartic to finally say the words, to hold Humin’s waist and be graced with forgiveness he shouldn’t have gotten so easily.

A kiss was planted on the crown of his head as Humin lifted them both off the bed and faced Hyuntak before once again scanning for the remaining injuries.
Determined, needing to take care of Hyuntak and cover up all cuts or bruises as if looking at any of them would deprive him of oxygen.

Hyuntak followed his every move, this time letting himself bask in both the contentment and guilt as gentle fingers skillfully rubbed his sore knee.

A wordless question hung between them, one that had turned from cursed and forbidden to fond as time went on. Just a part of their routine, an other way Humin used to smother him in his neverending concern and care.

“ It’s fine. Barely hurts.”, Hyuntak chose to respond out loud, to grin carelessly and watch as Humin nodded in relief.

He kept observing, mindlessly brushing the tips of his fingers over the bandaid he had placed on Humin’s head to cover the evidence of the blow which had caused him to fall.

Humin sighed and Hyuntak shot a silent question towards him.

“ I should’ve just told you the plan from the start.”, said Humin thoughtfully.
“ Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”, he added, drowning in doubt as the familiar weight of remorse started slithering up his spine slowly.

“ Come on, you know me better than that.”, Hyuntak scoffed at once, “I would’ve butted in no matter what.” And the regret in his voice eased Humin’s anxiety just a bit. A complete shift from the satisfaction on his exhausted face as he laid bloody on that field.

“ We don’t get to share the blame this time. It’s fully on me. “, Hyuntak nudged his elbow when he noticed his gaze getting further and further away in thought.
“ I acted for you without actually thinking about you.”

The flowers only kept blooming more and more as minutes rolled by, as Humin processed and drank in the understanding, the change in the other’s demeanor and the silent promise that he would never have to feel as helpless as he had while he was forced to watch Baekjin attempt to break Hyuntak.

Instead of allowing his eyes to water once again, Humin merely shrugged with a sigh.
“ I’ve done it as well. “, he stated, reminding the other that they were nothing but two sides of a coin, both hypocritical in their own way, protective and selfless in a disturbingly endearing form.

His arm getting pinched brought his attention back on the boy in front of him.

“ Would you just shut up and let me take responsibility? “, scowled Hyuntak, his tone sullen and sharp.

Humin chuckled in response, shamelessly basking in the light of the other’s eyes as they creased in relief at the sound.

His hands reached forward once more, carefully cleaning the last cut that adorned Hyuntak’s face.

“ It’s over now.”, we’re okay, “ No more fights. “, you’re okay,
“ No more Union. “, he finished, slightly hesitant at the conflicting relief the realisation provided him with.

Hyuntak caught it, held it in his palm and tried to detangle it, to decode it and find a solution, something to help the other.

“ I’m sorry about Baekjin.”, he ended up saying, cautious, but certain.
This time the name felt less like poison and more like fading bitterness on his tongue.

“ Don’t start again.”, came the rapid warning, pleading, tired and Hyuntak could only roll his eyes.

“ Stop blaming yourself. That’s all I want to say. “, he replied, his heart dropping slightly when the other froze for a moment, the cotton pad halting against his skin for a few seconds longer.
“ You didn’t fail. He just didn’t want to listen.”
Because Humin had tried more than anyone else would have bothered to try, had forced himself to stay, to try and fix someone who needed to be fixed, but didn’t want to admit it, as if weakness was a sin.
“I hope he can snap out of it and move on. “, Hyuntak thought out loud.

“ I hope we never see each other again.”, Humin muttered with both certainty and sorrow.
“Is that too selfish?”, he then wondered with a saddened smile, not realising that this word and his name didn’t fit in the same sentence.

“ As if you would even know how to be selfish.”, mumbled Hyuntak with a huff.

“ And you do?”, Humin teased right back.

“I’ve been selfish many times.”, the other countered, aiming for it to sound irritated and playful, but only achieving a tone filled with remorse as his mind flashed back to the broken look he had forced Humin to wear just a few minutes prior.

And as if he had spelled it all out for the other to see, Humin caught it, replaced it with forgiveness and plastered it back on Hyuntak’s skin in the form of a kiss placed right on top of the healed scar on his nose bridge.

“You’re not selfish, just stupid.” And far too loyal for your own good.

“ Shut up. “ Hyuntak huffed once more before playfully swatting the other away and letting his head fall on his shoulder.
“I’m staying. I promised. “ I trust that you’ll stay too.

And this time the determination and loyalty of those words didn’t suffocate Humin. They fueled his heart, watered it and let the blue hues and soft petals spread beautifully through his entire being, decorate his lungs like a blanket of trust and warmth.