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I miss her and I blame you

Summary:

One month had passed since the events of Laqua. With the Rising Volt Tacklers broken up, the Explorers falsely celebrated as heroes, and Liko unable to spend time with her family in Paldea, all she could do was try to find some semblance of normality at Indigo Academy. On the surface, things seemed perfectly fine. She got to live a normal life as a student with her partners, Meowscarada and Hattrem, with only her friend Ann and her knowing about her history with the Rising Volt Tacklers. Even with those three friends by her side, however, there was still a lot that Liko hadn’t fully processed. She didn’t even realize just how much trauma she had been repressing… until one morning at homeroom, before the teacher had even arrived.

Notes:

I wrote this fanfic in order to process my own feelings about a certain Explorer, who's become a big anxiety trigger for me and has forced me to take a break from watching what was once my comfort show. This anxiety started impacting nearly every aspect of my life, so I've been slowly working toward processing it and finding some comfort in Horizons again. This is my first big step towards that goal, so I'd like to keep the comment section here civil.

Also, the title of the fanfic is a reference to MALINDA's song, *I miss her and I blame you*.

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One month had passed since the events of Laqua. With the Rising Volt Tacklers broken up, the Explorers falsely celebrated as heroes, and Liko unable to spend time with her family in Paldea, all she could do was try to find some semblance of normality at Indigo Academy. On the surface, things seemed perfectly fine. She got to live a normal life as a student with her partners, Meowscarada and Hattrem, with only her friend Ann and her knowing about her history with the Rising Volt Tacklers. Even with those three friends by her side, however, there was still a lot that Liko hadn’t fully processed. She didn’t even realize just how much trauma she had been repressing… until one morning at homeroom, before the teacher had even arrived.

“Hey, did you see that new interview with Spinel?” one girl asked.

“You bet I did!” another girl replied as Liko could feel her body shake in discomfort. “He’s so dreamy…”

Liko couldn’t see it at all, in all honesty. The only thing she could see when she thought of that monster was pure evil. The creepy, sadistic smile that never left his face. The horrible memories that have given her nightmares almost every night since they escaped Laqua. She felt like she was in one of those nightmares, even though she was wide awake.

“He sure is… and such a hero too! I love how much he cares for Pokemon, especially his Umbreon!”

It was at that moment that Liko found that she was struggling to breathe. She gripped onto the end of her uniform in an attempt to ground herself, but it didn’t work. She could feel her heart racing, as well as her head, chest, and stomach aching, as she began gasping for air. Ann, who was sitting beside her, quickly noticed Liko’s state and gave her a look of concern.

“Liko… are you okay?” she asked.

Liko didn’t respond. She was so overcome with panic that she could barely hear Ann’s voice, much less respond to her question. Things only started to get worse as the teacher entered the room.

“Alright, class. Let’s get started with… are you alright, Liko?”

With the entire class staring at her, Liko couldn’t take it anymore. Continuing to hyperventilate, she could feel a stream of tears falling from her eyes. Suddenly, she felt someone gently holding her hand, startling her a little, though she didn’t let go.

“Sorry, but could you excuse us for a bit?” Ann requested.

“Certainly,” the teacher replied.

“It’ll be okay, Liko. I’m here,” Ann reassured as she gently lifted Liko’s hand, guiding her out of her seat and toward the door. Once they were outside, they sat down together in the empty hallway as Liko continued breathing rapidly. “Liko, look at me. Try to breathe slowly. Like this.”

Liko finally faced her friend as she demonstrated a slow, deep inhale while counting up to five with her fingers. She then counted down from five as she let out a calm exhale. Trying her best to copy this as Ann repeated the process, Liko gave a slow, but shaky breath in, then let it out, already relieving some of the anxiety in her body and mind. After taking one more deep breath, she sighed in relief and wiped the tears off her face. She could still feel her heart racing, but at least she wasn’t in panic mode anymore.

“What happened back there, Liko? Are you okay?” Anne asked, though Liko continued to stay quiet, staring at the ground in distress. “It feels like you haven’t been acting like yourself since you transferred back here. Did something happen before?”

“It’s… hard to explain…” Liko admitted. “I’d… rather not talk about it right now…”

“That’s okay,” Ann replied. “I just wish there was something I could do to help…” As Liko continued staring silently downward, Ann took a moment to think, then gasped as an idea came to mind. “I know. Why don’t you try talking to Leigh? I’ll bet they can help!”

“The guidance counsellor?” Liko asked. “But… what if they tell someone else what I tell them?”

“They won’t,” Ann promised. “I talked to them last year, and they told me that they always keep their clients’ problems confidential. Your secret will be safe with them.”

“I don’t know…” Liko mumbled. “Even just talking about it with someone I trust makes me feel like I’m experiencing it all over again…”

“That’s okay if you’re not ready for it yet,” Ann said reassuringly. “But I can tell you’ve been holding in a lot. I think it’s worth considering.”

“Okay, I’ll think about it…” Liko promised.

After days of consideration, Liko became more and more certain that talking with the guidance counselor would be a good idea. After all, the other students seemed to really trust them, and they may be able to help her figure out how to work through her trauma. She can always start small too, in case talking about the whole story right away would be too much for her. And so, after a long day of classes, Liko met with Leigh for the first time in their office.

“It’s nice to meet you, Liko. I’m Leigh.”

“Nice to meet you too…” Liko greeted them somewhat nervously. “Um… I was wondering if it would be okay for one of my Pokemon to be out of its Poke Ball in your office.”

“Of course,” Leigh replied with a smile. “As long as it’s not too big to fit in this room and won’t damage the furniture. I assume you’re not planning to send out an Onix?”

Liko chuckled. “Don’t worry, it’s just my Meowscarada.”

“That’ll do just fine,” Leigh confirmed.

“Thank you so much,” Liko responded as she pulled out Meowscarada’s Poke Ball and gently opened it in her hands. “Come on out, Meowscarada.”

As Meowscarada emerged from its Poke Ball, it immediately smiled at its trainer. “Meow,” it said curiously, then sat down on the couch next to Liko. It kneaded her lap with its paws before comfortably lying its head down on it. Liko gave her Pokemon a few gentle chin scratches, which instantly helped calm her down.

“Thanks, Meowscarada. Just having you here makes me feel a lot better.”

Meow… ” Meowscarada mewed, then began purring in contentment.

“So, what would you like to focus on today?” Leigh asked.

“Well, um…” Liko muttered, trying hard to gather words from her racing mind. “Y-You know about the Paldean company… Exceed?”

“Yes, I do,” Leigh replied.

“Well, I…” Liko faltered, petting Meowscarada some more for comfort. “I met the current president of that company several times, and… he’s a… really bad person…”

“Oh…” Leigh muttered in concern as they wrote this down on their clipboard. “Are you comfortable with going into more detail?”

“Um…” Liko hesitated. “Before I do, I should probably tell you something… Do you promise not to tell anyone else?”

“As a counselor, I can only promise that if it’s not one of the following situations,” Leigh stated. “If you’re considering suicide, if you’re being abused, or if you know about abuse happening, then I would need to let someone know. Otherwise, anything you share is completely confidential.”

“Hm…” Liko responded as she thought this over. Well, I’m not quite at the point of feeling suicidal… but does being framed for the Explorer’s crimes count as abuse? I guess I’ll just have to find out… “I’m… not sure, honestly… But if I do tell you, do you promise not to judge me?”

“I promise,” Leigh assured. “It’s a counselor’s job to help, not judge.”

Liko took a deep breath, then bravely looked Leigh in the eyes. “I… was a member of the Rising Volt Tacklers.”

Leigh blinked a few times, trying to take this in. “Is that… the team who Exceed reported for…”

“We were framed!” Liko interrupted, without even meaning to. “They… they were the ones who destroyed Laqua, and they blamed us for it…”

“That’s terrible…” Leigh muttered sorrowfully as she wrote this down, with Liko sighing in relief.

“Does that… count as abuse?” Liko asked. “Do you need to report it?”

“This is a complicated situation…” Leigh admitted. “Exceed is a massive organization, so a simple report likely won’t make any difference. I’ll need to talk with the board about how to approach this. Don’t worry, though, I’ll leave out your name and any unnecessary details.”

“Thank you so much, Leigh,” Liko said with a grateful smile.

“My pleasure,” Leigh replied. “In the meantime, would you like to share some of the experiences you had with…”

“I… don’t want to say his name…” Liko admitted. “I-I’ll just call him… S.”

“That’s totally fine,” Leigh accepted. “Are you comfortable telling me about what happened when you first met S?”

“Well, you see…” Liko mumbled, already trembling as Meowscarada looked up at her worriedly. “I was… trying to get an ingredient that my friend Murdock asked for, but the ad for it turned out to be a trap set up by S… We bumped into each other in an alley, and… he used his Beheeyem’s powers to erase all my memories of the Rising Volt Tacklers… All just to steal Pagogo, back when it was still in the form of a pendant…”

Meow? ” Meowscarada asked in concern as Liko took a deep breath and started petting her again for comfort.

“I see…” Leigh muttered sadly as they wrote this down. “Do you remember what happened after that?”

“I… well, me and Meowscarada, back when it was still a Sprigatito, were aimlessly wandering Levincia. Back then, all we remembered was being here at Indigo Academy… It was… so scary… I had no idea how I ended up there or where I was supposed to be… I was eventually found by the Rising Volt Tacklers, and thankfully, I was able to remember them when I saw them. They even helped me get my pendant back from S. But after I realized what had happened to me… I was terrified… Every time I think back to it, I wonder how my parents would feel if they knew what happened… Especially my dad… He already worries about me so much, so if he knew about what S had done that to me, he’d probably never let me leave the house again…”

Liko could feel her hands shaking, but they were soon grounded by Meowscarada’s paws. Her partner held her hands gently in place, giving her a sympathetic smile.

Meow… ” Meowscarada mewed comfortingly as Liko gave her a smile full of gratitude.

“Thank you, Meowscarada…” Liko murmured.

“That must’ve been awful… I can see why it still triggers you,” Leigh commented. “That was very brave of you to share that. You should be proud.”

Liko smiled bittersweetly, almost tearing up from the validation. She then took another deep breath as she prepared to tell Leigh what happened many days later. “Fortunately, I didn’t see him again for a long time afterward. But when I did… I was just as terrified, not for myself, but for his Umbreon…”

“Oh?” Leigh responded as they prepared to write this down as well. “What happened?”

“Well…” Liko mumbled, not knowing exactly where to begin. “See… there was this substance called Laquium that S was testing at the time… he… used it on his own Umbreon and made it go on a rampage. It looked like it was suffering a lot…”

“That sounds horrible…” Leigh commented as they wrote this down.

“It was…” Liko muttered sorrowfully. “Pagogo, my Terapagos, was able to cure it, but… by that point, Umbreon was so exhausted that it collapsed… I felt so awful for the poor thing… I just can’t understand how anyone could be so cruel to their own Pokemon…”

Liko glanced back at Meowscarada, who was fast asleep with its head on her lap. She would do anything to make her partner happy. Nothing in the world could make her want to cause it pain. She couldn’t even begin to imagine how someone could want to do that to their own Pokemon partner.

“Me either,” Leigh agreed. “You’re a very kind girl, you know that, Liko? It takes a lot of kindness to feel sympathy for a Pokemon who’s siding with someone who’s hurt you.”

“Thank you, Leigh…” Liko said with an unsure smile, thinking to herself, If she knew what I’m wishing on S right now, she wouldn’t think I’m kind at all…

“How is your stress level on a scale of one to ten?” Leigh asked. “One being not stressed at all, ten being you’ve reached your limit and feel like hiding.”

“Um…” Liko mumbled, carefully considering. “I think… an eight?”

“An eight…” Leigh muttered to themselves, jotting this down. “How about we work on reducing that number for now? What’s something in this room that’s bringing you comfort right now?”

“Meowscarada, for sure,” Liko answered without hesitation.

Meow? ” Meowscarada awakened upon hearing its name.

“Oh, sorry…” Liko apologized, right before Meowscarada lay its head back on Liko’s lap and went back to sleep.

“You really love Meowscarada, don’t you?” Leigh commented.

“Yeah, it was my very first Pokemon,” Liko reminisced. “It’s helped me through so much, too. It took a while for us to fully understand each other, but… we’ve gone through so much together, and it’s helped me through lots of tough battles. Now it’s the reason why I can still find the strength to keep going. Hattrem, too. Same with Pagogo, even while it’s still hibernating…”

“I’m glad that your Pokemon partners have given you so much comfort and strength, Liko,” Leigh stated.

“My friend Ann has too,” Liko added. “She’s… the only one at the academy besides you who knows that I was a member of the Rising Volt Tacklers… she helped me through a panic attack not that long ago, and she recommended you to me, too.”

“That’s wonderful that you and Ann are still so close,” Leigh remarked. “Now, why don’t we take a minute just to relax and notice our surroundings? Focus on Meowscarada, and anything else that brings you comfort.”

Liko nodded her head, then turned her gaze back to Meowscarada, who was continuing to sleep peacefully on her lap. During that minute of silence, she also thought back to the breathing technique that Ann taught her. Deciding to repeat it, she began counting up and down with her fingers while taking long, deep inhales and exhales. As Liko could feel her body slowly starting to relax, Leigh smiled at her proudly. After a minute had passed, Leigh broke the silence in a soft voice.

“How is your stress level now?” Leigh asked.

“I think… a five maybe?” Liko answered.

“That’s a big improvement,” Leigh commented. “Do you feel ready to come back to our previous topic?”

“I… think so…” Liko muttered, taking a deep breath as she prepared to revisit her most traumatic memory yet. “See… we went to Laqua because Pagogo wanted us to take it there. It got rid of all the Laquium crystals there that were making Pokemon go berserk, and for a while, it seemed like everything was okay… But then…”

Liko could already feel herself shaking, with her chest aching even more than it did before.

“S had stored some of the Laquium mist, and he used it on Pagogo’s friends and made them all go on a rampage too… Pagogo tried to stop them, but… it was so exhausted that it collapsed and hasn’t woken up since…” Liko suddenly began tearing up just from thinking about the shock of that moment. “It was so scary… the earth was shattering beneath us, and I thought we were all done for…”

“It’s okay now, Liko,” Leigh reminded her in a soft, gentle voice. “You’re safe here.”

“I know…” Liko faltered as Meowscarada sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes. “But that wasn’t even the worst part… We were forced to flee during a heavy windstorm, and…” Liko hiccupped, tears falling down her eyes as she shouted, “Friede and Charizard were blown away… I… haven’t heard from them since…”

Meow… ” Meowscarada mewed sadly as it hugged Liko, who continued to sob in her partner’s embrace.

“I’m so sorry, Liko…” Leigh murmured, giving Liko a moment of silence before they spoke again. “May I… ask who Friede is?”

“He’s… he was the commander of the Rising Volt Tacklers, and… kind of like a second dad to me…” Liko tearfully answered. ”But now… I don’t even know if he’s alive…” As she spoke, Liko’s sad expression turned into pure anger as she shouted, “And it’s all S’s fault! If he had never put us all in danger, all of us could’ve left Laqua safely! And if he never framed us, our found family would still be together! He… took everything from us!”

As Liko let out even more broken sobs, with Meowscarada hugging her tightly, Leigh gave her a sorrowful gaze. After giving Liko a few minutes to let all her tears out, Leigh reached for a tissue box on the table beside them and handed it to her. “Would you like this?”

Liko weakly nodded. “Thank you…” she sniveled as Meowscarada released her from the hug, allowing her to pull out a tissue. She slowly wiped away all the remaining tears from her face, though most had already fallen onto Meowscarada’s fur. After taking a deep breath, she finally started to relax, but she was exhausted. So exhausted.

“Would you like some water as well?” Leigh asked.

“Yes, please…” Liko answered, watching as Leigh poured a glass of water from a fresh bottle, then handed the glass to her. She accepted the glass and quickly gulped most of it down, having not even realized how dry her mouth felt after crying for so long. Once she was done, she took a big sigh, partially in relief from letting all of those emotions out. “I’m sorry…”

“You don’t have to apologize, Liko,” Leigh reassured her. “It’s completely natural to feel this way after revisiting such a traumatic event. I’m very proud of you, Liko.”

“Th-thank you…” Liko mumbled.

Meow? ” Meowscarada asked, checking in with its trainer.

“Don’t worry, I’m feeling better now…” Liko replied, though she barely had any energy left to smile.

“I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better,” Leigh responded. “How is your stress level now?”

“I think… a nine?” Liko answered.

“A nine…” Leigh repeated, writing this down. “Would you like to focus on grounding again?”

“I… I don’t think I can focus on anything else right now…” Liko replied. “The truth is, there’s still a lot of emotions I feel like I need to let out right now… I just… wish I could tell him off somehow!”

“Hm…” Leigh responded, giving this some thought. “How would you feel about telling an object exactly how you feel about him? Pretending that object is him for a moment?”

“I… guess I could try that,” Liko replied. “Do you have an object in mind?”

Leigh pulled out a stress ball from her pocket and held it forward for Liko to see. “I’d like you to try pretending that this stress ball is S. He can’t hurt you, he can’t talk back, he can only listen to what you have to say. Would that be manageable for you?”

Liko nodded, then took a deep breath as she began to imagine his face on the stress ball. “You… You’re… nothing more than… a selfish jerk! A lying psychopath! Everything’s your fault! Friede going missing, our entire team being broken up! It was all you!”

Liko could feel her eyes filling with tears, which she didn’t think was possible after all the crying she did before.

“I… I can’t even see my family anymore… my found family with the Rising Volt Tacklers, or even my parents… I miss them, I miss Friede, I miss Pagogo, I miss all my friends, and I miss… my childhood self… I miss her and I blame you! I… I hate you!”

Meow, Meow! ” Meowscarada growled at the stress ball, looking ready to tear it apart with its claws.

“And you know what else…?” Liko could feel herself shaking as the next words were about to leave her lips. “It should’ve been you, not Friede! You deserve to go missing! You deserve to... to die!”

Liko gasped and covered her mouth as she glanced back up at Leigh, who seemed to have no judgment in her eyes, but rather, sympathy. Meowscarada’s expression softened as well as it noticed Liko’s guilt.

“I-I’m sorry… I went too far, didn’t I?” Liko asked nervously.

“No need to apologize,” Leigh reassured. “Actually, it’s very common for people to feel this way when they’re feeling triggered by someone.”

“So… that doesn’t make me a bad person?” Liko muttered in disbelief.

“Not at all,” Leigh stated confidently. “All of this is coming from a place of love for those you care about.”

“It still doesn’t feel good at all to be feeling this way…” Liko admitted. “I just… I don’t know, I feel like I’d be letting down everyone I love if I didn’t hold this grudge…”

“Hm…” Leigh thought for a moment. “Have you ever heard the phrase, ‘holding a grudge is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’?”

“I haven’t,” Liko answered. “But… it feels like that’s exactly what I’m doing right now…”

“And that’s completely understandable,” Leigh reassured. “Even if we know it’s not helpful, letting go of anger takes a lot of time and patience. Would you like to make that our goal for future sessions?”

“I think so…” Liko replied. “But right now, I… think I need to take it easy…”

“That’s totally fair, you processed a lot today,” Leigh affirmed. “But that was a huge step you made. I know I’ve been repeating myself, but you should be very proud, Liko.”

Liko smiled bittersweetly, feeling proud of herself as well.

“Our time is just about up for today,” Leigh stated as they checked their watch. “Do you have any plans for the rest of the day?”

“Well, I… was planning to do some studying, but… honestly, I feel like I’ve got no more energy left for anything other than sleeping…”

“And that’s okay,” Leigh reassured. “You should take that time to rest. Your well-being is what’s most important, after all.”

“You’re right…” Liko agreed. “Thank you, Leigh, for everything…”

“My pleasure,” Leigh replied with a smile.

And so, for the next eleven months, Liko continued talking with Leigh on a weekly basis to help her slowly heal from her traumatic memories. Though it would still take years for the trauma to heal completely, Liko did end up making lots of progress during her sessions with Leigh. Thanks to the progress she had made, by the time she reunited with Roy and the rest of the Rising Volt Tacklers, she was able to find the courage to face her past and stand up for them all.