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Apollo never thought that crosswords and Among Us would be some of the most important things in his life.
It wasn’t about the crosswords themselves, but about Steve. Most things in his life revolved around Steve these days, and Apollo found himself helpless to stop it. He was just so endearing, and silly, and captivating in a way he was certain Steve himself didn’t even know about. Every joke about a crossword, wait, there’s a word called withstoed? and every time he giggled when Apollo laughed at him, just made him fall more in love.
And that’s the crux of the issue. The despairing truth, the knowledge that Steve would never return his feelings. There was hope sometimes, when both of them had just ended stream and were chatting into the evening. The fondness in Steve’s voice sent Apollo reeling, his heart beating fast and hands shaking.
When they stayed after an Among Us lobby, just the two of them after their friends had left the call, and they talked about the games they played. Apollo loved making fun of Steve and his lack of skill with lying, knowing that every failed impostor play made Apollo endlessly more endeared. Steve was the king of putting his foot in his mouth and Apollo wouldn’t have it any other way.
It was one of these Among Us days that had Apollo off-kilter. He woke up sad, like there was an anchor on his heart, tugging down. He thought about dropping out of the lobby, but he hesitated at the thought of talking to Steve. Getting out of bed was a monumental effort and Apollo couldn’t help but daydream about lying in bed with Steve’s arms around his waist, blankets and pillow around them like a nest. If he stayed in bed forever, without taking his blankets off, would the fantasy become real?
It took him thirty minutes longer than usual to get out of bed. Every time he tried to shove his blanket off and sit up, his arm became heavy and limp. His leg was cold where it was sticking out of his sheets, and the thought of facing that cold completely, without the warmth from his fantasy, seemed like the hardest thing in the world.
Apollo knew his friends could tell he was off, Steve most of all. Usually Apollo’s love for him was light and happy, but today it felt like a chain around his heart and his lungs and his body. Each breath was for Steve, like normal, but it had never felt so suffocating. Steve’s voice was gentle when he questioned Apollo’s whereabouts, soft when he asked him questions. He knew his short replies and quiet voice made him suspicious. His best friend was used to hearing Apollo’s voice every day, and knew the intricacies of his moods from the lilt of his voice alone. Usually, this familiarity filled him with warmth.
Today, Apollo wanted to cry.
Steve waited for him like usual after the lobby. Apollo was prepared to make excuses so he could go take a nap in his bed, cuddled up with his blankets.
“Hey honey,” Steve said, and it was almost a whisper. “You okay?”
And in that moment, all Apollo could feel was desperation. He was sitting on his chair, with his headset snugly on his ears, yet he almost fell to his knees in supplication. Can you hear me? My soul is singing to you, can you hear its tune?
Apollo exhaled shakily. “Steve,” his voice broke in the middle.
“Yeah,” Steve said softly. “Tell me.”
“You know,” Apollo whispered. “You know.”
Apollo, struck with certainty, knew this was true. The gentleness in his best friend’s voice was a giveaway. Even when Apollo had been sad in the past, Steve always resorted to joking and being silly to cheer him up. This softness was different.
“ And I need to hear you say it.”
The call was quiet. Apollo’s Discord bubble lit up with the sound of his laboured breaths, but Steve’s remained dormant. For a second, Apollo thought he was muted, but then his bubble lit up with the sound of shifting, as if Steve was putting his head in his hands.
“I love you,” Apollo whispered. “Steve, I love you so much. I tried to pretend I didn’t, but you’re so stupidly endearing. I couldn’t play Among Us or crosswords or Battleship or Valorant with you anymore, without you knowing. I was suffocating, Steve. I know you don’t feel the same way, but you had to know.”
The last few sentences were said in a rush, like every second Apollo wasted breathing was a second Steve could interrupt him. The fear was paralyzing. Tears sprang to Apollo’s eyes, and his next breath was a gasp. He could see his friendship with Steve slipping through his fingers and that was the worst part about this. Steve was cherished, treasured by him and knowing that he might’ve single handedly ruined their friendship made Apollo want to die. He thought keeping it in was the worst thing Apollo could do, and yet - on the edge of his confession, in the quiet with only Apollo’s heartbeat keeping him company, being honest felt like a curse.
“You love me?” Steve replied after a minute of silence. Against all hope, his voice sounded relieved. “I’m not good with words sweetheart, so you’ll have to help me here, okay?”
And it was Apollo’s turn for silence. He was so used to belonging to Steve in silence. Unsaid adoration, restrained devotion. To have his soul, his very heart laid bare, was a bit more than Apollo could handle.
“I said it once, idiot,” Apollo’s voice sounded wet, even to his own ears muffled by his headset.
Steve laughed and Apollo was convinced it was the most beautiful sound on Earth.
“I am an idiot, right?” He said. “I just never wanted to hope. You’re more stealthy than you think you are. It’s sometimes hard to tell what you’re feeling.”
Apollo exhaled harshly and leaned back to look at the ceiling. It was always him sabotaging himself wasn’t it? His hands still shook and he could hear the echo of his heartbeat, traveling from his chest to his covered ears. His heart was exposed for Steve right now, a feeling he wasn’t unfamiliar with. They’d both had heart-to-heart’s before, their emotions displayed like art pieces and exchanged like gifts.
“That’s funny,” Apollo said faintly. “I’ve always tried to be open with you about everything.”
Steve laughed again, and it set Apollo at ease. “Maybe I’m just dense.”
Apollo snorted. “Well, that’s obvious. I’ve spent a lot of time with you, I’d know.”
Steve sighed in response. It was quiet for a bit, as if they were both reflecting on the conversation.
“Is it bad that I want to buy a plane ticket right now?”
Apollo’s heart jumped into his throat. Imagining hugging Steve, kissing Steve, was enough to have his heart racing again.
“You probably shouldn’t. But-” Apollo started. “Well, I have empty rooms.”
“I don’t know about you, but cuddling to sleep sounds like a dream.”
“Please buy the plane ticket,” Apollo blurted.
“On it,” Steve laughed. Apollo could tell he saluted in real life, because this was Steve and he was an idiot. Hopefully, Apollo’s idiot.