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“You were a fine knight, Don Quixote”
“You won’t get away with this, Krauser”
Again and again.
He thought everything was getting better, but it really wasn’t.
What a pity that Leon saw Luis getting killed like that, and he could do nothing about it. Same as those times when people left him, one by one. They all left him alone in despair.
Every time the memories flooded back, his heart ached, and as they got worse, his chest grew tighter, and breathing became harder as if they were happening in front of him once again.
He couldn’t even count how many times, how many ways he tried just to forget those haunting memories. Even whiskey doesn’t really work for him, it only made him forget in drunkenness for the night. And when the hangover is gone, everything went back to the way it was, he once again returned to despair.
If there was a medicine in this world that could help him forget those painful memories, he surely would take it until he got poisoned.
But life never made it easy for him to forget about the past.
He’d think: “I keep fighting, fighting, and fighting. Is this how my life is supposed to be? How many more years will I be imprisoned in this life?”
Now and again, he just wanted to
shoot himself,
jump from the 10th floor,
overdose on sleeping pills,
hang himself,
cut his wrists,
...anything he can do to end his suffering with his own hand.
"No"
At this point you still don't dare do it? What a fucking shame.
"No, please don’t please don’t please don’t please don’t"
Why can’t you just commit to it?
"Oh God, please just SHUT UP"
He can’t let his thoughts win like this. He doesn’t want anyone to worry about him.
He still has things to do. Save the president’s daughter. Save the world.
Yes. This world still needed him.
Ah, and Luis’ last wish. He wants Leon to come to his lab and remove that damn parasite.
Yet, he really needed someone to help him out of this hell-like place.
But first, he has to leave this place before he starts to cry from thinking too much.
So he ran, ran so far, ignoring the villagers who wanted to kill him, ignoring all the painful screams inside his head...
...‘till he stopped inside a dank, gloomy castle, where he found a room with the familiar purple frame.
The agent took a deep breath. This is what I need.
He took a step closer and opened the door...
“ ’Ello stranger! I’ve got some new items on stock, come take a look!” The merchant opened his heavy coat, greeting Leon as usual.
“I’m not here to buy anything”
“Hmph... So what can I ‘elp you with?”
“Oh, I have this. I want this to be repaired.” With that, Leon handed the merchant the knife. “Well, it's pretty damaged.”
The merchant hum, “Will that be all, then?”
Leon hesitated, “Uhm... Yeah, just that,”
“It’ll cost 5,000 pesetas, mate,”
He pulled his hand in his pocket and counted each coin, oh thank God, he still had enough.
"Here,” Leon handed his money to the faceless man.
“Alright. Now you can sit here and wait for me to repair it”
They sat for a few minutes, without saying anything.
The merchant is still there, as he sharpened the knife with his skillful hands.
But Leon didn’t even care what he was doing. He just sat there and stared at nothing. Yet, his pretty blue eyes seemed to be stirring.
The masked man suddenly stopped.
“Stranger?”
“What?”, Leon startled when asked.
The merchant looked at Leon, “You aren’t looking too good. How’s everythin’ goin’? Is there something bothering ya?”
“Ah, it’s just...”, Leon hesitated.
“Just tell me. I know that we both just strangers, but I'm always here for you no matter what, since you’re my favorite customer, y’know?”
“Ugh fine”, Leon huffed. Whatever but he didn’t want all of this making him go insane.
“Then go for it, stranger. Let’s see how I can ‘elp you”
“I wasn’t supposed to be a government agent, and I never wanted to be.”
“Ah I see, your stories remind me of myself too”. The merchant lowered his voice, “Those damn parasites have destroyed everything of mine. And now I'm a merchant, just sellin’ stuff and hoping that someone will come here and help me free this village from these terrible parasites. Must say that we’re the same and just want to live with the life we could have had, eh?”
“Yeah, I guess so”, Leon said with a faint smile. Then, he continued, “Do you know about Luis, the guy that sometimes comes with me?”
“That brown hair guy? He has probably lived in this village since he was young, I don’t know anything about him much. But why?”
Leon said sadly, "He was very enthusiastic in helping me rescue the president’s daughter... until the end.”
Both the merchant and Leon went silent. A gloomy atmosphere gradually enveloped the room.
The merchant gave a sigh, “I’m so sorry for your loss, stranger. He seemed to be a talented young guy.”
It was always Luis.
“I’m so tired with all of it, I hate seeing people die. My family... my friends... they’ve all left me”, Leon shook his head in disappointment, “but I have no other choices but to keep up, to move on and fight for this world.”
The merchant hesitated. He don't want to say anything that will hurt him more.
“I knew it was inevitable, but I just...” Leon’s chest starts aching again, he can’t say anything.
His eyes shut tightly, he clenched his teeth as he tried not to let his tears out.
How many times has he cried alone in the night because of everything that he couldn’t tell anyone about what he really feels? How many times has he poured all his sadness into his drunkenness?
It doesn’t matter anymore. He was too tired to cry now.
He could’ve saved Luis.
He should’ve been stronger.
The merchant reached out his hand, touched Leon’s shoulder. He doesn’t want to see his customer in pain.
"I understand that you’re feeling pain at your loss, life is so unfair for all of that,” the merchant said slowly, “But somehow, time will ease the pain inside your heart, as if the people in the other world are wishing us to be more resilient and indomitable after the ups and downs of life”
Leon agreed, “I think you’re right”
“I know it’s so hard to accept, but hey stranger, I think you’re strong and you did so well, after all you’ve been through,”
Leon was stunned by his words, “But isn’t...”
“I know what’re ya thinkin’, but after all, we can only save those we need to save, and the important thing is to complete your mission, mate”, then, the merchant’s voice suddenly became cheerful, “Anyway, after seeing the way you practice and your attitude, I see that you are very responsible in your work, stranger”
“I’m not really proud of what I've done”, Leon said awkwardly, “But thanks, though,”
The merchant patted Leon on the shoulder, “Don’t worry, you’ve done a great job. I’m glad that you can tell me what happened to you, stranger. There’s no good to hold it back for too long”
“Thank you for listening to me, but I think I’ve got to go now”
Leon stared at the merchant, then looked away.
“Eh? Why not rest here for a while?”, the merchant confused.
“I still have a lot of things to do”
With that, Leon stood up, preparing to leave the room.
He has to keep moving. He has to.
But why?
Why did he think about that when he had clearly come here just to rest?
But seemed like the Merchant knew what his customer really needs.
“Stranger, let me tell you. It’s alright to take a break sometimes, you can’t go on like this. Even soldiers need time to rest, you don’t need to push yourself too much”
Leon nodded. There’s nothing to complain about.
“And you can’t go without this knife, stranger”
“Ah, sorry I forgot”, Leon chuckled.
“So would you like to have a tea while waiting me to fix your knife?”
“Sure”, Leon smiled.
Then, they were sitting together again, having tea and talking together while waiting for the knife to be repaired.
Leon didn’t remember the last time he had tea with someone was, but this time, it was really something that meant to him more than just a cup of tea, perhaps it’s the care that the merchant gave him.
There was something that Leon was still trying to hide, after the pain he’s been through and always living in hatred. He always has to fight for everyone but because of it, no one understand that he needed medicine that could heal the wounds deep within his heart and could help him after those days living in hell.
Leon had been stuck in this endless loop for so, so long that he didn’t expect that one day, someone would come into his life, understand what he really felt, and rekindle the flame of hope in his heart.
The merchant seemed to be the only “medicine” that could heal him in this moment.