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2025-06-29
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How to serve the gods

Summary:

Exactly how many licks does it take to eat a god? No clue, but you can probably prepare one.

Notes:

Warning!! Please don’t actually eat people. I’m not condoning eating people unless absolutely necessary.

Work Text:

The key to serving the Gods is all about presentation and preparation. One would have to consider how they would like to dress their god. Some would prefer a garnish of lemon or some with a pinch of thyme. In this case we will go through a plethora of ways to prepare your favorite Greek gods-- and goddesses-- for consumption and the potential repercussions.

Now as any good source can inform you, the gods are, by simple terms, are unkillable by any mortal methods so we will have to resort to the procedure of either:
Boiling them like lobsters, it, however, won't kill them
Just ignoring their screams
Both keep them alive but we're banking on them being in too much agony to fight back.

Since they are in too much agony to fight back, you gut them like a fish in simple terms. Human organs don’t taste good so assume that theirs don’t either. You can keep a couple to the side if you'd like some other meat dishes. According to Healthline.com, “Organ meats can be a great addition to your diet. They’re packed with nutrients, such as vitamin B12 and folate, and they’re also an excellent source of iron and protein.” making this a great meal to serve to your gym bros at your next get together. The types of organs to keep will be things such as liver or testes if it's a male god.

Now the more important part is cooking your meat. To start cooking your meats first start with the larger muscles-- arms legs and glutes-- as they will take the longest time. To prepare them you must slow cook them for a large amount of time. Then the delicacies include: the facial muscles, tongue, back muscles, and eyes. To easily prepare human meat treat it the same way you would cook beef. It will go with anything that beef could go with.

Now while eating a member of the Greek pantheon may seem like it will have no potential downsides it could have a good amount. To start, if you choose a well loved god(dess) you can expect some large amount of backlash from the rest of the gods, Arachne would tell you first hand about that. Next, is the task of not choosing a strong god, by technical definition all gods are stronger than the average mortal, so i recommend going for a god who is a bit too dense and the weakest you know you can take decently. The gods also consume a large amount of Ambrosia--not the fruit salad--, something delectable to the gods that mortals cannot consume. According to many users on the online forum, Quora, “Ambrosia is forbidden for mortals. If they drink it, they shall be punished in Tartarus for eternity like Tantalus who did the same deed.” Many iterations of the forbidden treat have it described as something not for mortal digestion; similar to how chocolate affects a dog.
However, before we can savor the delicacy that is their flesh we have to trap and contain them for long enough to prepare their meat. Some Gods may be easier to trap than others while some are harder to contain. For example, the goddess of spring, Persephone can be heard being easily lured to just a pretty flower; or how Ares and Aphrodite were caught with their pants down. You would first have to sort the gods into categories ranging from “most easy to catch” to “Ain't happening.”

Now with your new knowledge of your new meals and how to prepare them, go on and eat them to your heart's content. May you not have spited the gods, and may your meal be prosperous.