Chapter Text
It’s their usual booth at their usual pub but today feels anything but usual. Charlie is buzzing with anxiety that is somehow also making him giddy, and Olly has his own distractions on his mind. Still, he’s quite perceptive, and as soon as they sit down he notices something is off with Charlie. Jittery, clearly wanting to say something, but with a smile dancing at the corner of his mouth that he’s having serious trouble repressing. Olly fears it might be contagious but wants to check out the details first.
“So?”
Charlie’s here with the singular goal in mind to get advice from his little bro, but still somehow his mind has managed to wander in the three seconds since he followed Oll back to the table. His head snaps up at the mono-syllabic question.
“So? Oh, uh, yeah, how’ve you been? How’s work?”
Olly gapes for a moment, then shifts in his seat and leans towards Charlie with determination. “No way, uh-huh, no pleasantries today. What’re you itching to tell me? Spit it out!”
Charlie splutters briefly as his lovely olive cheeks color a dark red, then grabs the edge of the table and takes a breath. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Okay, there’s a thing.”
Olly leans back with a smug look on this face. “Obviously there’s a thing, Charles. Now what is the thing’s name and exactly how big are his muscles?”
“Olly!”
“What? I know your type!” Olly briefly considers. “Well, it’s either hot and sporty or sickeningly sweet. Don’t tell me you’ve found a combo of both? Oh my god—seriously?”
Olly is reacting to the look on Charlie’s face as it dawns on his big bro that this may be true. Still, Olly is never going to believe exactly what experiences Charlie shared with this fine specimen that allowed him to figure that out…
“Okay, so, I actually think I need your advice on this.” He rushes on into his story past Olly’s raised eyebrows before he can break into self-praise. “I’ve been trying to construct my very own social life since I’ve been feeling better, you know, after Ben.”
“And are we definitely over Ben?”
“We are so over Ben.” The look on Charlie’s face is so earnest that Olly almost believes him.
“Interesting…” Olly nods at Charlie to continue.
“I mean, when I first decided to try and go out on my own, I was nervous, and definitely begged off once or twice. But that was because this is hard and scary, not because Ben Hope deserves being missed even the tiniest bit.”
“Damm fucking right!” Charlie smiles at his brother’s unconditional support. Comes in handy when he wants to talk about new and scary things without fearing judgement.
“So anyway, I’ve been on a few awkward but not horrible dates, and to a couple of… events.”
Olly instantly catches the slight pause before ‘events’ but decides not to say anything about that quite yet. He is really curious about where this story is going.
“And the last time I went out, I met someone.” He shakes his head and chuckles under his breath. “It was fucking Valentine’s Day, and I met someone at a sex party of all places.”
Olly chokes on his oat milk latte. “I’m sorry, at a what-now??”
Charlie sighs and looks directly across the table. “This is why I need your help. I… dabbled… a little.” Olly is clueless at this but waits patiently for his normally extremely articulate brother to clear things up. “Before Ben. And then Ben thought he understood some stuff but actually didn’t have a clue and completely fucked up the whole thing for me for way too long.” Yeah no this still makes no sense to the listener. “And I want to get back into it. I think I can really find myself there,” Charlie continues, studiously ignoring Olly’s intense eyes boring directly into his soul. Literally what is this guy talking about, because it sounds fascinating. Charlie wraps up, or at least he thinks he does. “Even though it’s a bit nerve-wracking. So, as a way of dipping my toes in the water I’ve tried a few things.”
They are both silent for a few minutes, and smiles begin to creep onto their faces for different reasons. Olly is proud of his big brother for wanting to share with him, and additionally thinks it’s hilarious that he was completely unable to speak directly about whatever this topic is. Charlie, meanwhile, is simply incapable of pushing aside the memories of being in that bed with Nick.
“And somehow, I found someone at that party. Someone who knew exactly what the fuck he was doing, and gave me exactly what I wanted,” Charlie rushes out, as though these were the most difficult words to say, the most challenging thing to admit.
Olly raises his hands between them. “Okay, wait, wait, hold on a second. I’m pretty sure I know what you’re talking about, but what do you say we put some proper nouns to this conversation? Clarity is everything, you know.”
Charlie rolls his eyes and crosses his arms over his chest, but Olly won’t be silently bullied out of this. “Now, Charlie. You’ve dabbled in…what, exactly?” Olly leans his forehead towards Charlie with the wide-open eyes that practically scream fill in the blank. There is only another brief moment of silence.
“…Kink.”
“Ah. I see. And Ben fucked up what exactly for you, for way too long?” Another ballet of stares between the brothers.
“…BDSM. Sub stuff.” Charlie is looking down as he pronounces the words, but Olly can see the smile on his face.
“Sure, yep, I get that. And since then you’ve tried?…”
“Oh, hell no! I’m not getting into specifics with my little brother!”
Olly splutters indignantly. “What am I even here for then? ‘Dear Olly, I’m finally out of the closet as the freak that you’ve always known me to be’ coulda been an email!”
“Oh my actual god.” Charlie is using the tone of voice that comes as a package deal with a set of permanently rolled eyes.
“You know I’m right!”
“Listen, you’re missing the point. I’ve got a shot at a new start at something with someone that I think could be really good for me.” He blushes his way through Olly’s huge grin and continues. “And I think I just had one of the best first encounters ever. But…”
“But?”
“But – is it too good to be true? I literally had the perfect time that night. And I assume that I could meet up with him again, because who wouldn’t want two perfect times?” Olly nods in total agreement. “But, am I right? Is that how this world works? Can you just text someone you hooked up with once and assume they’d be down for more? Especially if… you know… they’re the…(unintelligible mumbling).”
Olly leans forward on his chair. “They’re the what, Charlie?”
Charlie sighs. “You know! The… dom.”
“Oh my god, were you nervous to tell me that? That was about as shocking as the lettuce winning against Liz Truss.”
“Okay, alright, we can move on then.” As freeing as it is to finally talk about all of this with Olly, he feels no need to dwell on the fact that Olly had already figured some of it out.
“Yes, we definitely can!” Olly huffs a bit, pretending to be offended that his expert observational skills were not respected. But only briefly, because he has a serious point to make.
“ This world, as you call it, works however you and your partner want it to. The only rules are to respect other people’s safety, desires and privacy. If anything else you can come up with fits inside of that, you’re golden.”
“Well, yes, I know the basics. How negotiation works and stuff.”
Olly honestly feels proud that he can hear Charlie’s voice get somewhat louder, just slightly less embarrassed to be talking about this in public. “Definitely. That’s really good and really important. But I’m not just talking practical logistics. I’m not talking just kink activities. I’m talking wholesale relationship anarchy.”
Charlie looks mildly uncomfortable and Olly can practically feel the I’m not here to challenge the entire system rolling off of him. It doesn’t bother him, he knows his brother has it in him to help create a new world, even if he doesn’t believe it about himself yet.
“I’m talking about questioning everything, finding some way to start from scratch in how we think about relationships and connections, finding some way to figure out what we each really want instead of what we’ve been told we want from voices outside our heads.”
The look of admiration on Charlie’s face gives Olly a little twinge, though he’s not totally sure why.
“I know you mean it seriously, but that actually kind of sounds like the dream.”
“I absolutely mean it seriously, yes. And if you’ve found a connection with someone, even if it’s just the beginning of one, and if they might take it seriously too, why not grab onto that?”
Charlie sighs. “Yes, I get it, it makes sense the way you say it, but it also feels like my luck usually doesn’t work that way. This guy was amazing – beautiful.” The brothers both smile at this. “But also so kind, really thoughtful, really deliberate, clearly thinking about the other person as well as himself…” His eyes sparkle at the memories. “Clearly knew what he was doing.”
Olly sucks in a breath and lets it out in a rush. “Yeah, that sounds pretty much perfect.” His voice sounds almost giddy and he questions to himself, What is wrong with me?
Turns out he has his memories too.
His mind has been focused on other things today; studiously avoiding some insurance paperwork Jane wants him to fill out, strategically not avoiding some housework instead to fill the time, eagerly diving into this interesting new set of circumstances in Charlie’s life. He’d almost forgotten the little mini movies he’s been playing out in his imagination over the past week or so featuring a main character who filled much the same description as Charlie’s leading man.
So experienced, so aware of what he was doing (is doing?). So incredibly thoughtful, almost too much, as he insisted on prioritizing both of their well-being (what a twat). Fucking stunning. Clearly not his first rodeo (oops, there go the detailed memories again…).
Charlie’s shaking head brings Olly back to the conversation.
“Exactly. Definitely too perfect for me. What am I even thinking? No way this guy wants something more with me.”
“Pardon, what? What are you talking about, you egg?” Immature, younger-bro Olly wants to kick Charlie’s shin under the table, so he does, and only receives a mild scowl in return. “First of all, you’re a fucking lege Charlie, pretty sure anyone who gets to know you will figure that out pretty soon. This bloke either already knows that or is about to find out.”
Why doesn’t David want me, then? Olly’s intrusive thoughts have apparently woken up. Charlie and this guy obviously really enjoyed their time together, so it’s clear they should give it another go and see what happens. Why can’t David and I roll the same dice?
Charlie accepts the violent love with grace – another sign he’s growing. “Yes, Olly, I know, I have to love myself first and all of that. I’m just wary because what if me wanting more is an unexpected surprise to him? It just feels like the way we met wasn’t exactly designed to help you find an actual relationship…”
Once again, the details hit too close to home for Olly. Girl, same, he thinks. Definitely did not show up at therapy thinking I might get some. He shifts in his chair as though the churning thoughts within him could be settled more comfortably somehow. But so what? We obviously have a connection, just like Charlie and Mr. Muscles.
“I just don’t know. I want to try, but this is all new for me. Well.” He sighs once more. “New again. I’m using muscles I really haven’t flexed in a long time. Hope, interest… the confidence to put myself out there.”
Well, there’s our difference, then, Olly thinks. He is physically fighting now to maintain both conversations – this clearly important one with his brother, and the internal one with himself where his well-exercised ‘putting yourself out there’ muscles are now heavily flirting with the idea of intensely focusing on one person, where his normally anarchist self is quite torn over whether or not it’s okay to date your therapist. Or play with them.
Well. If he’s being honest it wouldn’t be just play, would it? Am I seriously already considering more with this man? This strange man that I just met but feels so right? This strange, wonderful, difficult, stubborn, sexy, capable man?
Okay yeah it appears that I am. So then, now what?
The two brothers look at each other. “So then, now what?”