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Finally, a Hogsmeade weekend! Sirius was counting days to it - partly because he was fed up with the lessons and walking the aame halls over and over again, partly because that meant an afternoon alone with James. Contrary to popular belief, it wasn't often that they could share time just between the two of them: there were the Marauders, mostly the whole school and privacy wasn't really a thing at Hogwarts. And no, the fact that now he was living at James' didn't matter at all: after all they lived together for what, two - maybe two and a half months a year? Especially now that Sirius was getting his own apartment. Euphemia and Fleamont had done enough for him.
And to Sirius, those few moments spent in complete intimacy with James were gold. Especially since they had started something (James never called it a relationship, he said he didn't like labeling things and that they were just freely expressing their feelings) that had went on and off from their sixth year. There had been kisses, sex, making out but also sleeping into each other's arms and picnics and dates. There had been everything apart... apart from James himself, sometimes. Sirius had tried, really tried not to think about the worst scenario but that act of not calling what they had by its name, to him it was a guarantee of being able to pull back whenever James wanted. He had tried, really tried not to think like that of his... his best friend. His lover. But he wasn't sure anymore.
They were sitting on a bench, just on the Hogsmeade shopping avenue and it had been weeks that they hadn't had sex. Days since they last kissed. And James wasn't even holding his hand. Sirius stretched.bhe wanted to break that silence, otherwise he would have thought and he didn't want to think lately.
"We're lucky it's sunny. It had been raining all week! I thought it was going to snow today."
James didn't even turn. Worse, he sighed. "Pads..."
Oh no. Not that voice. Sirius knew that voice. And because he knew it, he didn't say anything. James turned his head and looked at his friend, a compassionate smile drawing his face. "Pads, we - I need to end this." He said. It hurt. Sirius didn't say a thing and sighed as well. Their love language, basically.
"There's a war coming. And my parents are old... I met with Lilly and we know we can make it work. We'll fight and we want to fight together. I am sure you understand, I need to be a husband and possibly a father." Sirius understood. He nervously played with his fingers.
"Sure James." Because he knew this was coming somehow. James was a leader and a leader needed to show the way to others: how to take your own place in the world: a cause to fight for, a family... A family. Was Sirius destiny not to have one, to constantly losing one, just because he denied the one he eas born into? The gods were cruel his mom used to say and he had never believed her. Well, now he did.
James smiled and gave him a tug with his shoulder. "Come on Pads, we never promised each other anything, did we? I am going to miss that!" Sirius bit his lips. He wanted to shout why the fuck was he breaking up with him of he was going to miss that? He wished he could hate James. But he didn't. He couldn't. He wasn't able to.
So he smiled back and threw James a snowball, colouring the dark in his curls with some white. "Aw man, I fooled you! I was just trying to distract you!" He said, letting his laughter resonate louder and louder. James and the others always said his laughter sounded like a dog's howl. Maybe if he laughed loud enough he could turn off the sound of sadness in his chest.
A second snowball hit Sirius in the face and James laughed too. "Sorry, but I guess I'm not the only one being distracted here!" "I'll forgive you only if you put me as the godfather of your children!" James shook his head. "Lily will kill me."