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Things had been moving fast, Lisbon thought, with everyone dead-set on catching (or killing) Vega’s murderer. She, too, had been hyper-focused on the business at hand.
But she should have been paying more attention to Jane. Vega’s death had really rattled him - and so soon after her own near-miss in Louisiana. Then he’d gone and offered himself as a hostage - stubbornly wedging himself into the way right before she and the team were going to breach. He did it to keep her safe and she knew it. But she’d never felt so helpless and petrified for him. God if he’d gotten himself killed in there, she would have never forgiven him.
And then he’d gone away after the funeral. What the hell kind of ultimatum was that? She could go or stay but he was done? Her tears were constant, with the sad and the angry intermingling. This is EXACTLY why she’d steered clear of serious relationships for all those years. She thought Jane had been different. But he—
Well… actually he WAS different. She couldn’t just forget and move on, as she’d done with the other boyfriends. God, she felt like part of her soul had been ripped out through her chest. It was a reenactment of the island all over again; except this time, he was running from their partnership. Giving her a ‘choice’ between him or the job. She wanted to vomit.
Part of her wanted him back solely so she could punch him. So she could ask him what the hell he was thinking. Part of her wanted to leave everything behind and chase him down so she could kiss him senseless and console him with her body. She couldn’t hold it against him that he’d been sort of backed into his law enforcement career. He wasn’t built for so much death and violence. She wanted to hold him through the night and tell him it was gonna be okay. She wanted to —
No. It didn’t matter what she wanted. She had a responsibility to her team and the FBI, and she had an early morning ahead. So, she finished the overpoured glass of wine she’d been crying into and went to bed.
In the morning, Teresa’s mind wouldn’t stop replaying the tragedies of the past few days. But one scene from her more distant past kept bubbling to the top, playing in a loop. Haunting her:
Whenever bad things had happened in her life, she’d had to handle them alone. At least that had been true since the death of her mom, anyway. She did have some childhood memories of being consoled. Of being pulled into a hug by one or both parents. But the memory that was looming largest right now was one where her father had consoled her mother.
Her parents had their moments, but that marriage had been rock solid. Sure, there were arguments - loud ones; and yes, between fire calls and twelve-hour nursing shifts they hadn’t had much time to actually parent . But at the heart of things, they had really truly loved each other. She’d seen proof of it:
One night, young Lisbon had been in her room doing homework, but she’d started down the stairs to get a snack. She paused at the top step when she’d seen them, holding each other next to the table. It wasn’t clear what had upset her mom, but she had overheard her dad saying that it was important to support each other in a marriage. If someone you love is hurting - or especially if both of you are in pain - it was important that you lean into each other to get through it. His own father had closed up and disappeared for days during those situations, so Lisbon’s dad had been adamant that he and her mom turn towards each other when things got tough.
And now, Jane had run away.
Is this how he expected them to ‘work it out?!’ She rolled her eyes, sadly. What did this mean for them? Why couldn’t he lean into her now? Why couldn’t she have leaned into him then? She cried through nearly two cups of coffee, wishing her love could be there to soak up her tears… or to co-mingle them with his own… she so missed him… she so wanted to hold him… especially now… especially after such a trying week… Where was he? Was he okay? Was he ever coming back?
Her phone alarm sounded. She poured the final sip of caffeine into the sink, blotted her face-full-of-tears onto her sleeve and walked to the car.
As the elevator doors closed behind her, she looked around the bullpen, thankful for her remaining team members. Glad for the footholds and safety lines they offered her reeling consciousness just by being present this morning… a morning that had still stubbornly arrived despite the ground having disappeared from underneath her feet like a wounded sinkhole.
Cho glanced up with condolences in his eyes. Lisbon pressed her lips into an upside-down smile, sending sympathies back. As heavy as her own heart was this morning, she knew her longtime friend was torn up even more. He had felt responsible for Vega… had been almost a big brother to her. Lisbon could imagine the pain he must be working through today.
Abbott’s door was closed. Lisbon glanced in through the glass wall to see if he was in yet. Her eyes shot immediately back to the hallway, burning the split-second image she’d caught into her mind: Dennis at his desk, leaning back in his chair; staring hollowly at nothing in particular… arms crossed… bent fingers resting on his lips… silently trying to process what was possibly the darkest day in his history as a supervisor. Analyzing how to avoid another one.
Then there was Wylie. Everyone had noticed the two youngest team members getting close in recent weeks. Jason had always seemed awkward when he was nearby to Michelle; and his teammates had chatted privately about how obviously he was crushing on the woman… and how desperately he was trying to hide it… It was refreshingly sweet. Then the two had danced and talked for hours at Lena Abbott’s confirmation party; and they’d really connected during the ‘Jimmy Lisbon’ poker game gag - even beginning to flirt a little. Poor Wylie. Such a good kid… both of them were good kids. And really good agents. Neither deserved this hellish reality.
She tried so hard not to look at the blurry brown leather blob in her periphery as she approached her desk, but it was impossible not to. Jane’s couch actually seemed to have grown in size with its glaring emptiness. Her partner had been anxious about her safety for weeks now; but she had brushed off his concerns. Her ‘at long last’ lover had poured his fears out to her on the edge of that grey cemetery in the only way he was able at the time, offering few words, but she could see it in his eyes: he was not only petrified by death hitting so perilously close to home, but was also devastated by the loss of the young agent to whom he had become like a surrogate father. Teresa’s heart had cried out during the length of the graveside ceremony; she knew how Vega’s death ripped at his old wounds like a clawed banshee… like he was losing Charlotte all over again. But her mind had still drawn a blank when he’d said he was leaving. He’d invited her to come, in his own jagged, grief-stricken way, and she couldn’t speak or move; she could only watch him get smaller and smaller until her tears blocked the sight of him completely.
Why hadn’t she just gone with him? She had bereavement leave she could have taken? She could have been there for him, consoled him, protected him from himself as they leaned together in their grief. All the questions about the future and their jobs and his fears and her independence could have still been answered afterward. After they’d processed this dark, cruel punch in the gut of their team. After her mind was clearer and he’d had time to breathe.
But she’d been paralyzed by her own pain. She’d just let him walk away. If anything happened to her favorite idiot when she could’ve stopped him, she would never forgive herself.
“You okay Boss?” Cho was standing at her desk. She hadn’t even noticed him approaching.
“Not really; but what choice do we have, right?” Her voice grew stronger as she spoke. “There’s a killer to catch.”
Kimball cleared the lump from his throat enough to sound almost inspired: “That’s the spirit.”
The colleagues managed a quick smile, each getting their heads back into the work.
Teresa looked around again. Frozen or not she had made the right decision in staying. Her family, this team, needed her; and she needed them. Jane did his best thinking when he was alone, anyway. She temporarily appeased her anxious heart with silent prayers for his safety, then jumped into the facts of the case.
In the course of the proceedings, unbeknownst to the team, Teresa added some action to her silent prayers for Jane. On one of her coffee breaks, she called in a BOLO with his description, and the make, model and license plate of that damned silver bullet.
Her fears, as they often did, had given way to a sort of justified anger. Jane was an adult and they had agreed to be partners outside of work as well as inside. He had responsibilities to her and to the team. Everyone was hurting, so he could damn well have the common courtesy to not just disappear without a trace. Especially knowing how she worried when he ran off like this.
A relieved smile grew on her face when she got the call that he’d been found. A sheriff on the other side of the state had him in custody and Abbott had already granted permission for her to take the day and pick him up. After all, Jane was AWOL from his indentured gig at the FBI too, so Dennis figured the agency had a stake in it.
Several hours later, the windblown, baggy-eyed, petite agent walked into the Pecos County Sheriff’s office.
“Teresa Lisbon! So good to see you!” The sheriff welcomed her with a familiar hug.
“Hey Ron! Elected office looks good on you.”
“Thanks Boss.”
“I’m not your— Where is he?”
“Right this way,” Ron smiled. He was happy to see his old boss and friend, but his smile also had an undertone of humor: it seemed his old colleague Jane hadn’t changed at all. “Have a seat; I’ll bring him to you.”
Teresa squirreled in her chair, wondering what condition her love would be in today… he had been so fragile before. The small-town sheriff’s office had an interview room that was much warmer than the stainless and glass back in Austin: wooden chairs, flowers in the windows, a couple calendars with sports schedules for area high schools. It made Lisbon think of her office in Washington... The memory didn’t help her emotional state at all.
Footsteps approached from the outer hall. Lisbon straightened herself, took a breath, and summoned her inner controls.
“Lisbon what are you doing here?” Jane asked, covering whatever he was feeling with a mask of amusement.
“Saving you from yourself,” Teresa’s businesslike tone was even and sure.
“I have it handled.”
“Sure you do.”
She thanked Ron, had Jane un-cuffed, and walked him to the company SUV she’d driven from Austin.
The partners walked silently across the asphalt lot, the soles of their shoes slightly sticking to the surface in the Texas summer heat.
Teresa unlocked the doors as they approached, and each took their place silently: her behind the wheel; him in the passenger seat.
Teresa started the engine, closed the cracked-open windows and cranked the AC. After a short text message to the team, informing of her progress, she pulled out onto the two-lane state highway and drove toward Austin.
“Where’s my house?” Jane whined with worry, as if he’d just remembered he’d been driving it.
“FBI impound. You can pick it up when we get back.”
“Why’d you come all the way out here? Ron’s people could’ve delivered me.”
“I already answered that.”
“This is not your problem Teresa.”
“You once threatened you’d always be there to save me, whether I liked it or not,” her eyebrows went up as she shrugged. “This is me returning the favor.”
“I’m not worth saving Lisbon.”
The car swerved to the berm and abruptly stopped, under the pressure of Lisbon’s foot slamming heavily on the brakes.
Decisively, she turned to face her partner. “You once said all you wanted was for me to be happy.”
“That’s still true. Always has been.”
“Well, it would make me happy if you’d allow me to save you.”
He broke into a grin. “Very clever, Teresa! But I’m still not worth it.”
“Well, am I?!” She snapped, her impatience catching his guilt trip off guard.
“Of course.” He whispered, puzzled by the question.
“Then your only choice is to let me save you Jane because—“ She stopped suddenly, planning her next words carefully.
“Because if there is no you, then there is no me. Not anymore… Jane, I need you. You said it yourself: once we moved past friendship there was no going back. I remember what life was like without you. I had never felt so… empty… That was no life at all.”
“Then why can’t you understand that I can’t do this anymore? That I can’t watch you always needing to not just protect and serve but to always be top of the front line. Always careening yourself head first into danger with no thought to your own mortality. No thought to what that would do to me. Why can’t you think about saving me at those times?” He whined, emotion sending the pitch of his voice higher than normal. “How can you unilaterally make those decisions to take unnecessary risks when you know how much losing me would hurt you? It stands to reason then that you might have some idea of what losing you would do to me?”
“God, Jane… I’m trained to do what I’m trained to do… Wired that way…The same way you’re wired to be on the move, I need to put myself between bad guys and innocent people.”
“So… Where does that leave us?”
“I don’t know.” She looked away, with those skittish eyes full of tears. The same ones he’d imagined after leaving her at the beach a decade ago. He couldn’t stand it. Something had to give.
“Walk with me?”
She nodded quickly, wiping her cheeks before turning off the car, climbing out into the dusty heat and falling into step beside him.
After a few minutes of silent roadside sauntering, side by side, Jane started his plea: “Do you love me, Teresa?”
Her red-ringed eyes looked sad, despite her tight-lipped nod of affirmation.
“Good. Because I love you . I feel like I can’t breathe without you.”
“What if love isn’t enough?” She whispered roughly.
“Wrong question Lisbon. The question is: what are we going to do about that love? Are you willing to spend some time with me to work this out?”
Lisbon ducked her head into a nod of agreement, her bottom lip still trembling with emotion. “Long as you don’t abandon us again.”
“I won’t.” He reached for her hand. “Come away with me this weekend. I still have that fancy hotel reservation. It might provide just the right amount of atmosphere and privacy so that we can focus only on each other for a few days. Teresa, we can work this out. We have to.” He stopped walking, taking her other hand in his as well. “I think what we have is too important to just ignore or throw away.”
“So do I. Let’s do it.” She smiled and wrapped her arms around him.
The couple turned back toward the car and walked hand in hand, a slight spring in their steps.
“Thanks for this Lisbon.”
“Don’t make me regret it,” she half joked.
“I won’t. And I promise not to stifle your need to chase bad guys.”
“You? Stifle my purpose in life? Please. You’re good but you’re not that good.”
“Hey!” He whined.
“High voice,” the tease danced on the desert wind.
“You may regret that taunt Lisbon,” his Cheshire grin challenged, with fifty yards to go before reaching the car.
“Is that a threat?” She bantered back.
“Nope,” his eyes twinkled with mischief, “IT’S A PROMISE!!”
Lisbon took off like a shot, determined not to be caught, while Jane was in hot pursuit. Bits of the desert floor flew up behind each of the partners’ sprinting footsteps as they dashed, in chase to the company vehicle.
Teresa had the win in hand, looking over her left shoulder, seeing no way for Jane to reach his door before she reached hers. Right as she tapped her window, though, she was surprised to see her partner hadn’t gone to the other side of the car at all. Looking for him, she turned back the way they’d come, only to have him capture her in his arms from behind.
“I could never stay away for too long, Teresa… I want you to know that,” he panted beside her ear, catching his breath from their game of chase.
She spun to look at him, resting her hands on her hips. “But that’s just it, Jane. I didn’t know.” Her eyes were full of care, but wrapped in remembered pain.
“I’m sorry. I just needed some time.”
“How was I supposed to know that, Patrick? In case you hadn’t noticed, you sort of have a habit of disappearing without a word: Vegas, that cliff by the beach, South America? How could I possibly know that you would come back this time?”
Jane didn’t answer, just stood looking into her eyes with a dumb grin on his face.
“What?” She threw her hands up with growing irritation.
“You called me Patrick,” he said sweetly, clearly touched.
“That’s what you heard? I present a laundry list of grievances and all you hear is your name coming out of my mouth? Typical.” She broke out of his embrace, circling behind the car.
“Teresa, please,” he followed her to the back, standing in front of her as she sat on the tailgate with her head in her hands. “It’s just - that’s the first time you’ve done that and… And I know that I screwed up again by leaving but I was just—“
She stood suddenly, toe to toe with him: “We are ALL ‘JUST,’ Jane! The WHOLE TEAM hurts like hell and YOU LEFT US!“ All the pain and worry from the week exploded from her lips in that single breath. “…You left me,” she whimpered roughly, emotionally exhausted.
Jane didn’t speak, feeling horrible for having hurt her yet again…Knowing he’d made a bad decision but having no idea what he could have done differently; he’d absolutely needed to distance himself from them all until he had his head back on straight. He couldn’t risk doing or saying something he’d regret. Those violent, vented words needed to be shouted into the howling wind, not shot like bullets into the hearts of those he loved. His eyes were heavy with regret, and with fear that he may have just lost her.
“Jane?” She charged, arms wide. “Got anything to say?”
“If I promised it would never happen again, would you believe me?” His eyes were in full-on ‘puppy dog’ mode.
“Probably not,” her voice broke.
“I don’t blame you,” Jane straightened, walking away from the car, completely disgusted with himself. None of this was her fault - it was never her fault. He tried to mount his usual defenses, willing his heart to shut the hell up. But the tears came anyway.
By the time Teresa had stopped crying into her hands and looked up, Jane was only an inch tall in her perspective, he’d walked so far away.
No, dammit! Not what I meant!
She launched into a jog, desperate to catch up but too drained for a full sprint. “Hey! Jane wait a minute!”
Patrick was steeled toward getting back to Ron’s office, and asking the man for alternate transport to Austin. He had done enough to Lisbon for one lifetime. He didn’t even hear her calling out to him, his mind was so focused.
“Jane! Hey wait up!”
Still walking with purpose, Jane failed to see the big rig coming straight for him.
“JANE!” Lisbon screamed in a panicked effort to snap him out of his thoughts. But the wind pulled the sound into the sky.
An alarmingly sharp horn sounded - two long taps and a third long one - from the truck as it approached, aggravated at the lack of attention from the pedestrian in its lane.
Jane jumped to the side, having been broken from his thoughts by the loud horn; and the truck passed by, leaving both partners choking on the cloud of dust in its wake.
Lisbon grabbed her partner in a tight embrace, still coughing but she didn’t care. “Jane, you okay?”
“Not sure.”
“Hey,” she loosened her grip to look at him, “I’m not going to change my answer but I didn’t mean I wanted you to leave.”
“I did hear you, Lisbon. I heard all the grievances. You’re right about all of it. And I hate myself for making you miserable, Teresa, I do. But there’s nothing I can change in our past. So, when I heard my name on your lips, I focused on that - because that happened now; and I can work with ‘now,’ so my heart latched onto the hope of that chance… that chance to earn your trust… that chance for us to have a future - maybe even a happy ending.” He sighed. “But it’s too late… I’ve caused you too much pain…”
“Then stop.”
“Stop what?”
“Causing me pain.”
A glottal sound protested from deep within Jane’s throat, and his arms swung wide. “That’s why I was walking. I was going to get another ride so you wouldn’t have to put up with me and my bad decisions anymore. I can’t stomach it, Lisbon, knowing that when we’re together you always end up hurt.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Hey! I’m trying to do the right thing here!” Jane looked hurt and also completely confused. She couldn’t trust him and had a list of complaints but his leaving didn’t help either?
She moved close, grasping both his hands. “Patrick, it’s the leaving that is the problem. I thought we’d established that. What in that advanced but twisted mind of yours made you think that you leaving AGAIN would make me happy?”
“So, you want me to stay? Even if you can’t believe that I’ll do it?” His disbelief was mixing with a faint hope.
“Jane, I love you. What choice do I have? Besides, you promised me a weekend getaway so you’re damn well gonna give me one!” She grabbed his vest and pulled him close, planting the hardest kiss ever on his trembling lips.
In relieved gratitude, Jane reciprocated, wrapping his arms around her, holding her against himself with desperation. “Mmm… keep this up and you won’t have a moment’s peace, Lisbon,” he hummed between kisses.
“Ha! My evil plan is working,” she breathed, holding him even tighter.
An old restored muscle car flew by, tossing the couples hair into a whirlwind as it passed. The two were barely aware of the catcalls and whistles that trailed from all four windows of that car, a bevy of teenaged faces giggling at the public display of affection on the roadside.
Once those sounds registered, though, Lisbon pulled away, blushing. “Oh my God,” she snorted, feeling suddenly exposed.
Jane was beaming at her, thoroughly enjoying the fluster without having to own any of the guilt for once. “They’re only jealous, Lisbon.”
“Oh, because you’re such a catch?” She pushed playfully.
“No, my dear.” He pressed against her, holding her waist to his. “Because you are.”
“Jane…” deeply moved, Lisbon rested her forehead against his chest, closing her eyes, enjoying the feeling of prolonged closeness. For a long time, the partners just held each other, rocking slowly… dancing to the song of the desert.
The sun began to droop in the sky, and still they held to each other. Cheek to cheek, enjoying the warmth and the comfort. A distant coyote howled—
“Did you hear that?” Lisbon snapped her head up, wide-eyed.
“Yeah… um… maybe we should continue this at home?”
“Good idea - let’s get to the car.”
Hurrying to beat the sunset - and the unseen sounds of the wild - the partners made it to the SUV within minutes.
“Whew! Made it!” Lisbon buzzed with adrenaline.
“That was close - we almost died!” Jane taunted.
Both chortled heartily at the ridiculousness, until it hit them:
Vega was gone.
They had enjoyed a rejuvenating respite together, one that their hearts had desperately needed. Truths had been sorted, connections had been strengthened, promises and plans had been made. But now the reality was sinking in… weighing on their sternums like so many haunted elephants.
“I’m sorry Lisbon, I didn’t mean—“
“I know,” her eyes were sad but not angry. “I’m gonna miss her so much though, Jane.”
“Me too,” he grimaced into a sob. “She reminded me so much of—“
Lisbon leaned across to hold him. “I know Patrick… I know…”
“And poor Cho has to be… We should get back to the team,” Jane wiped his tears and straightened; suddenly desperate to be with the family - their family… Vega’s family…
“Yes, we should.” Lisbon turned the ignition, pulled onto the road, and drove.