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As a young child, Anakin Skywalker has never had a father. It was always just him and his mother for as long as he could remember, and he was more than okay with that. In his mind, all he needed to survive, to keep going, was his mother’s love. So the day that Qui-Gon Jinn and his friends showed up and told him that he would be taken away from his mother to become a Jedi, his whole life got turned around. It was a day he would never forget, since all in one day, he was not only freed, but taken away from his mother to acheive his dream of being a Jedi. Of course, Anakin didn’t want to leave his mother, his whole world really, but with her insistence he decided he could.

And as he hugged his mother goodbye, he made a silent promise to himself to come back, to save his mother when he got older and let her live free too.

A lot happened in the short time that he boarded the ship and actually started his training. Love, fighting, and death were all things that Anakin was aware of at his young age, but had never experienced first hand until then. He was both scared and excited, knowing this is what it was like in the life of a Jedi. He was excited to start training, to fight and save people, and he wondered what his first lessons would be. He had secretly hoped it had something to do with the cool weapons they held at their side at all times.

What he didn’t expect his first lesson to be was “Jedi don’t form attatchments." Anakin, while confused on why this had to be said, tried his best to follow that rule. He really, really, did, but as hard as he tried, he found that he could never truly achieve that goal. Not only was he already attatched to his mother, because who wouldn’t be, he had met people along this short journey that he found he really liked and cared about.

First, it had been Padmé Amidala. From the moment he had laid his eyes on her and all her beauty and elegance, he knew she was an angel. Anakin has met a lot of people in Tatooine, but had never seen anyone like her, and he doubted that he would ever find someone who matched her beauty. He found himself stuck on her, feeling something deep in his soul that told him they were meant to stay friends, to stay together. Even as they parted ways at the end of their journey, he never stopped thinking about her. About the angel he couldn’t wait to see again.

Second, and probably the most short lived out of them all, was master Qui-Gon Jinn. He had only know him for a few weeks, maybe a month at the most, before his physical life was taken from him. Anakin didn’t know what happened to him, and he never asked, decideing that it wasn’t important (and deciding he couldn’t look Obi-Wan in the eyes long enough to ask anyway.) He had attended the funeral and he felt himself filled with an unexplainable sadness for a man he barely knew, but he allowed himself to feel. ‘Not all feelings can be explained,’ Anakin remembered his mother telling him once upon a time. He would always feel respect for Qui-Gon Jinn because of all he did for him in that short time. He had freed him from his bounds and gave him the oppurtunity of a lifetime.

As Anakin looked up at Obi-Wan, he wondered how the older boy was so composed, his face free of tears or sadness at the funeral. He had thought they were close, but maybe Obi-Wan was less emotional than Anakin, being an older Jedi and all. Still, he felt bad for him.

The third, and probably the most important of them all was his Master, Obi-Wan Kenobi. Master Yoda had told Anankin that he could sense fear in him, that he didn’t want Anakin to be trained and personally, he found that to be ridiculous. He was only nine, and had come to the realization that he couldn’t see his mother for years, or maybe ever again, so he thought that fear was a very normal reaction, but of course, he held his tongue. Anakin has dealt with people in positions of power his whole life, and he knew what they could do should they get angry, and he didn’t really want to find out if the Jedi were the same. Anakin was truly shocked to hear that Obi-Wan personally wanted to train him.

Well, shocked and extremely nervous.

What if Obi-Wan didn’t like him? What if he wasn’t good enough? What if he disspointed him? Was Obi-Wan just doing this because Qui-Gon Jinn was dead now and couldn’t do it himself? Did he even want Anakin as his padawan? In the midst of his turmoil, Anakin felt a hand gently place itself on his shoulder and he looked up to see the man who was unknowingly causing all his fearful thoughts. Obi-Wan smiled at him softly and continued his conversation with Yoda, and eventually they made their way out of the room. Before Anankin could get a word out, Obi-Wan spoke, his voice soft and gentle.

“Your thoughts and feelings are very loud young one. We haven’t even started training yet, there is no need to stress yourself out Anakin.” Anakin nodded but decided that the floor was much more interesting that anything else.

He truly hoped they would get along.

And he was pleasantly surprised when that was, indeed, the case. Training with Obi-Wan was a dream, and Anakin found himself to be very fond of him the longer he trained with him. Obi-Wan had become his teacher, and a friend in the eyes of the young Padawan, really fast. In between all of the training and meditating, and there was a lot of it, him and Obi-Wan bonded and laughed together. With Obi-Wan by his side, Anakin was sure that being a Jedi was the right choice. He felt it every time he held a lightsaber in his hand. He truly felt it in his heart. The time passed by so fast and before he even knew it, it had been two years since Anakin started training. Anakin truly wished that he could celebrate with his mother, the person he longed to be with the most, but Anakin settled for his young Master’s exclamations of ‘Great Job!’ and high fives whenever he did something right. Anakin lived for the days that Obi-Wan would tell him he was doing a good job.

This, however, was not one of those days.

It was a simple mistake, Anakin argued back at his Master, knowing his arguments would fall on deaf ears. Anakin was training with one of the Padawans his age, and he had suggested they should use real lightsabers instead of the lame training ones the council provided.

“We’re never going to learn if we don’t use the real thing!” Anakin remembered saying. In his defense, Anakin thought he would win with how good he was doing with Obi-Wan, and it was fine for a while, until Anakin got distracted, something that Obi-Wan warned him against all the time. One swing later his lightsaber was in two pieces and the other boy ran away, and Anakin couldn’t remeber the kid’s name for the life of him.

However, this explanation did not save him from the lecture coming his way.

“I am at a loss for words Anakin.” Obi-Wan started.

“But you’re still talking?” Anakin mumbled to himself, a look of genuine confusion crossing his face, and Obi-Wan turned to glare at him slightly, before taking a deep breath. Althought still laced with anger, and maybe a little concern, Obi-Wan contiunued in a calmer voice.

“Lightsabers, Anakin, are not a joke. Not only are they extremely dangerous, but you are not trained well enough to be handling them on your own, especially not in a duel. Not only that, but you broke it as well. As a Jedi, you have to show responsibility.” Obi-Wan said in a stern voice. Deep down, Anakin knew what he did was wrong, but he figured it was easier to apologize to Obi-Wan after the fact.

He was wrong. Apologizing was much harder.

“I’m sorry Master,” Anakin whispered and looked away, the shame evident on his face. Obi-Wan sighed heavily and knelt down to Anakin’s height.

“I am not lecturing you because I want you to feel guilty, Anakin. I’m not…mad at you, I just want you to learn a lesson and be more careful with your weapons because Lightsabers are very dangerous, even when they are broken. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Anakin looked up at Obi-Wan, and hearing these words, he felt better about his mistake.

“Okay. I’ll try to be more careful,” Anakin said, a smile crossing his face. He would try, so he wasn’t lying to Obi-Wan.

“Good. Now let’s go meditate.” Anakin groaned loudly.

“I thought you weren’t mad!” Obi-Wan just laughed and ruffled Anakin’s hair. Anakin pushed his hand off and fixed his hair, grumbling to himself as he followed Obi-Wan, his hand coming up to hold onto the sleeve of his robes.

__________________________

Anakin sat still next to Obi-Wan as they did his least favorite Jedi activity ever.

Meditation.

Anakin was thirteen now, and he hated meditation since the day he started doing it. Meditation required a lot of focus and stillness that Anakin could not ever muster. Anakin liked to move and be active and sitting still, especially for this long, was literally torture to him. He twitched his fingers and clenched his fists slightly, willing himself not to get up from his seat. Obi-Wan liked to say that meditating was a ‘break’ from training but to Anakin it was the same thing.

No actually, meditating was worse.

“It is not the same Anakin,” Obi-Wan’s voice broke the silence and made Anakin jump. Obi-Wan kept his eyes closed, but smiled softly.

“How did you- I have no idea what you’re talking about.” Anakin quickly corrected himself, opening his eyes as he huffed, looking at his Master with an annoyed look on his face.

“Mmhm,” his Master simply hummed and Anakin turned back forward and closed his eyes. He thought about his life, and every single event that led him to this moment, (and how to avoid it in the future,) and his thoughts drifted back to his mother. His mother, who at this moment, missed her more than anything else in the entire galaxy. Anakin thought about her everyday, but this time, he could not help the feeling of utter sadness that overtook his body and senses as he sighed, his shoulders dropping by his sides. He thought about their last hug and Anakin subconsciously raised his arms around himself.

“Mother,” he thought to himself, his face scrunching in anger as he clenched his fists further. Obi-Wan opened his eyes and looked over at his Padawan, a look of sympathy crossing his face. Anakin’s thoughts were usually very loud, the young Padawan always having trouble concealing his feelings and thoughts, but it was always worse when he was upset. Obi-Wan made a mental note to talk to Anakin about that another time, but for now, he opted to put a hand on his Padawan’s shoulder. Anakin’s eyes snapped up to Obi-Wan’s.

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan had projected his thoughts to Anakin, briefly letting his guard down so Anakin could talk back to him.

“What! I heard you! But your mouth didn’t move.” Anakin said, complete awe, and maybe a little suspicion, in his voice. Obi-Wan nodded and removed his hand from Anakin’s shoulder.

“When two people are force sensitive, just like you and I, they can communicate through the force.” Anakin nodded.

“So I can think thoughts at you?” When Obi-Wan nodded, Anakin perked up.

“Essentially, yes. Sometimes, a Jedi can do this without even realizing it. That's why I teach you to have control over your emotions and thoughts. Your thoughts are very loud normally, but become louder when you are upset.” Anakin frowned, a sudden feeling of embarrassment blooming in his chest as he looked up at his Master.

“So, you heard…about my mother?” Obi-Wan nodded.

“I understand your feelings Anakin, but we must come to terms with our sadness and not let it control us and turn into anger.” Anakin shook his head slightly and looked back at his hands, his fists unclenched, staring at the red marks that were there because of his nails.

“But what if she is dead? How would I know?” Anakin whispered.

“We don’t know, but we must have hope. Hope that you will see her again, and if she did pass on, we could mourn for her but ultimately wish for a good life after their physical one had passed.” Anakin furrowed his eyebrows further.

“I’m not supposed to feel upset when my mother dies?!” Anakin asked in anger, and his voice raised at Obi-Wan, disbelief written across his face. Obi-Wan, however, kept his face calm as he thought about his answer.

“Naturally, my young Padawan, you will feel upset, but it is how you move on from that experience that really shows you are a Jedi. Your first instinct will be to mourn those you lose, but we must not always take that sadness and turn it into anger, like you had just done. We must send them off with happy wishes and hope their continued spiritual life is better than the physical one they had, and turn those feelings of anger into something more. Something better.” Anakin stayed silent during his speech. He didn’t really know what Obi-Wan was talking about and wondered why he always had to talk in riddles and vague sentences. He looked at his hands yet again, debating to ask his next question.

Turns out, however, he didn’t have to.

“It was the same when my Master Qui-Gon Jinn had died. He was not only a great teacher and friend to me, but he was one of the best people I knew. I mourned his death, but I did not let my grief consume me for longer than it had to. I moved on past his death, as he would have wanted, and now, I have you Anakin.” Obi-Wan smiled at Anakin and he looked back up at him, smiling back. Anakin grabbed onto Obi-Wan’s sleeve, thinking about his answer, the answer he had wanted since the day of the funeral.

“Master Qui-Gon believed that you were the chosen one, Anakin. He believed that you were destined for greatness. And I do too. I am thankful we had found you that day.”

“Because I am the chosen one?” Anakin said, unable to hind the hints of dissapointment in his voice.

“Because, you are my student, Anakin. I care for you.” Anakin perked up and smiled at Obi-Wan.

“Do you have a family Master?” Obi-Wan shook his head.

“Just my mother and my father. There was…there was a baby I can remember that may have been my brother, but I haven’t seen any of them in a long time.” Obi-Wan’s voice was stern, but Anakin could see the look in his eyes, one that he couldn’t describe, but knew was troubling to his Master.

“Do you miss them?,” Anakin couldn’t help himself but to ask.

“It is the way of the Jedi,” Obi-Wan had replied simply and frankly, Anakin should have expected that. There was so much he wanted to say, but before he could, Obi-Wan ruffled his hair.

“My hair!” Anakin said in annoyance swatting his Obi-Wan’s hands away.

“Now. Back to meditation!” Anakin fixed his hair and thought about his Master once again. Anakin got back into position and felt a different feeling in his chest now, one of comfort and happiness.

Obi-Wan was not only his teacher, but his family. Anakin sat to meditate in a better mood than when he started.

__________________________

Anakin fiddled with his hair, biting his lip as he tried, and failed, to re-braid his padawan braid. It had come undone toward the end of his mission and he has been attempting to fix it for the last 30 minutes but to no avail. He thought about asking for help, but he was afraid of getting a long lecture of how he should ‘be more careful,’ and how ‘the braid was very significant to being a padawan.’

He has had enough lectures to last a lifetime.

Anakin let out a heavy sigh, his hand falling from his head and he sat on the floor.

‘It seems that I can’t do anything,’ He thought to himself. Lately, Anakin felt as if all he did was fail at the things that were supposed to come easy to the Jedi, especially for someone who was supposed to be the ‘chosen one.’ He ruined his first lightsaber because he is reckless. He couldn’t meditate because he couldn’t stand to sit still, and he couldn’t focus on anything for the life of him. And now, he couldn’t do something as simple as redo his padawan braid because he was not coordinated enough. He felt his eyes tear up and he closed them, feeling stupid for crying over something so simple.

Jedi didn’t show emotion like this.

Jedi are more composed than this.

Jedi are better than this.

Better than him.

He put his hands on his ears and closed his eyes, suddenly feeling as if the lights were too bright and the noises from the hallways mixed with his own thought were all just too much. He sat in his corner, a place in the temple he had found that many people don’t visit often, and just let himself cry. For the first time in a very long time, Anakin felt like he was nine again, saying goodbye to his mother and being swept away to never see her again.

Overwhelemed, overstimulated, and miserable, Anakin just sat and cried.

Anakin didn’t know how long he spent there alone before he felt someone sit next to him. Anakin kept his gaze on the floor, kept his hands on his ears, and thought that maybe, just maybe, if he ignored them enough, they would leave. Anakin felt a hand place itself on his shoulder and, reconzing the feeling he sighed and looked up at his Master. His eyes were swollen, his cheeks blotchy, and Anakin just felt like a mess.

“Are you okay Anakin?” Obi-Wan said cautiously and Anakin just shrugged. He didn’t even know where he would begin to explain to Obi-Wan, the perfect Jedi and, truly he didn’t know if he was okay. He felt like there was too much noise, and the feeling of the scratchy material of his Jedi robes making him feel like he wanted to rip his skin off his body. He found himself wondering if normal people felt this way too, or was he just an excpetion once again.

“I’m fine.” He barely makes out. Obi-Wan sighed. Anakin felt that Obi-Wan’s gaze on him had become unbearable and he brought his knees up to his chest.

“You’re not. What’s the matter my young padawan? Let me help you.” Anakin just put his hands back onto his head and placed his head on his knees so that he was curled in on himself.

“I don’t know! The light and the noise are so loud and my clothes are itchy and I’m behind the other padawans and my braid got undone! I’m supposed to be the chosen one and I can’t do anything!” Anakin’s words were coming out panicked and he felt like his heart was going to explode.

“Oh Anakin,” Obi-Wan said softly.

“Anakin, you started the Jedi journey a lot later than the other kids, so it makes sense that you need a bit more help. You’re not behind, in fact you’re right on track. You’re not alone either, I am here to help you with your troubles.” Obi-Wan said in a quiet tone, but Anakin didn’t say anything, and so they sat together in silence. After a little while, Obi-Wan spoke again in a softer tone.

“How about we go somewhere quieter and I can redo your padawan braid?” Anakin looked up slowly and nodded. Anakin was so tired he could barely stand, but did his best. He was shocked when Obi-Wan kneeled in front of him, his back facing him. Wordlessly, Obi-Wan held his hands up and Anakin got on his back, placing his hands in Obi-Wan’s.

They were both silent, and Anakin focused on the sound of Obi-Wan’s steps as he carried Anakin to a close library that was empty, cool and quiet.

“Where are we?” Anakin asked softly.

“This is an old banquet hall I used to go to when I was a young padawan. You could see the stars from the top and it is always empty.” Anakin hummed softly, but stayed silent. He was tired of thinking, tired of talking. When they had arrived Obi-Wan placed Anakin on the ground and turned to sit in front of him. Without saying a thing, he started to redo Anakin’s braid, smiling softly as he did.

“I remember when Qui-Gon used to help me with my braid as well.” Obi-Wan spoke and Anakin looked up at him as he spoke softly.

“I know you didn’t want me. That I wasn’t what you expected for a padawan.” Anakin said. Obi-Wan just chuckled and shook his head.

“Anakin you are a great Padawan, and I am honored to have you fighting by my side. Always remember that.” Anakin felt himself tear up again, but refused to let himself cry. He had done enough crying for today and so he puffed out his cheeks and nodded. Obi-Wan finished braiding Anakin’s padawan braid and sat next to him. They sat in silence, just enjoying the silence and each other’s prescence, and Anakin felt himself yawn.

He was utterly exhausted.

“You see that star here,” Obi-Wan said, running his hand over the wall next to them.

“I once went here. I was so panicked that I wasn’t a good enough Padawan that I looked into going on a mission to prove myself. I was supposed to go with Qui-Gon but he took so long I thought he didn’t want me as a padawan and didn’t even care enough to show up,” Obi-Wan chuckled.

“I ended up on a sentient planet, and finished the mission all by myself. When I got back, I was so worried that I was going to be dispelled from the order, but Qui-Gon was actually proud of me.” Anakin smiled softly.

“So your telling me to disobey?” Obi-Wan laughed loudly.

“No. You should try your best to listen to me, and the order. But what I am saying is that, you never know what someone else is thinking. I didn’t know that Qui-Gon appreciated me as a padawan, even though if I had talked to him about it, I am sure he would have told me.” Obi-Wan looked down at Anakin.

“You can talk to me Anakin. I am here for you.” Anakin nodded softly and just leaned against Obi-Wan’s robe. He held Obi-Wan’s robe with his hand as he slowly fell asleep, listening to Obi-Wan tell stories of his younger days.
__________________________

Anakin sighed as he walked around the temple to find his Master. Obi-Wan and Anakin were supposed to go on an assignment with senator Amidala, really to just make sure she gets to her destination safely, and Anakin was starting to think he should just leave. Anakin deemed this was an easy enough mission that he could do on his own, but the rules were the rules, no matter how advanced Anakin swore he was. As he walked down the long hallways, he ran a hand through his short, buzzed hair when he saw Padmé sitting, waiting for them.

“Ani!” She greeted him with excitement. Anakin felt himself smile at her, the warm feeling in his chest that he got everything she was around spreading and making him feel content. “Are you guys almost ready? I’m sure we were supposed to leave a while ago,” He shook his head in response to her question.

“I am ready, but I can’t find Obi-Wan for the life of me. Have you seen him?” She stood.

“Let me help you look. We can split up, that way we can find him faster.” Anakin and Padmé nodded at each other before she took off. Anakin, following her lead, also took off, walking in the direction of the room in which they train the new Padawan’s.

“I can’t imagine why Master would be here but there is no harm in checking,” he thought to himself. As he walked past the room, he heard laughing coming from the insde and stood in his tracks. Anakin remembered training, and while he had fun with Obi-Wan, he never remembered it being so fun that he started laughing at all, let alone that hard. He took a few steps back and peeked into the room, a look of amusement crossing his face at the sight he saw.

Inside, he saw his Master and the younglings, and at first glance, it looked like he was training them, but when Anakin looked closer, he could tell they were playing a game together.

“That would explain all the laughter,” Anakin thought to himself once again. He watched Obi-Wan and the younglings dance around each other dramatically, and Anakin assumed that it was all the younglings against Obi-Wan in a game where he could only guess the rules. Obi-Wan took a few steps and he made the mistake of tuning his back on the kids. The kids looked at each other and with a loud scream, tackled him to the floor, his Master not having any time to react as he fell with a loud, “oof!” His body hit the floor with a loud thud and Anakin winced, holding in a laugh as he imagined how much that hurt.

“Aaa, you got me!” Obi-Wan screamed, his voice strained from the air being knocked out of his lungs. They all laid on top of him, each child laughing so hard.

“I guess that means the Jedi Prevail!” One of the kids had said.

“Obviously, Jedi always win!” Another had said and Anakin watched on with a fond smile. He rarely sees his Master so laid back and having fun as he is now, and it was a nice sight. As the children continued to laugh, Obi-Wan stood, a hand on his back, as a smile crossed his face, his hair a mess from all the roughhousing.

“You all did very well. Go and get some rest, I suggest by doing some meditation.” Obi-Wan had simply said, and all the children bowed slightly.

“May the force be with you Master Kenobi,” They had all said at different times before they ran off, leaving his Master on his own. He fixed his hair and Anakin moved away from the door, taking a few steps away, so his Master didn’t know he was watching them. He waited for his Master to emerge from the room, and as Obi-Wan stepped out, Anakin caught up to him in false exhaustion.

“Master! There you are, Padmé is waiting for us. We were supposed to leave a while ago.” Obi-Wan turned towards his Padawan and nodded.

“I’m sorry Anakin, I was caught up. Master Yoda had asked me to help the younglings in his place. The short time delay should not have any effect on the assignment.” Obi-Wan stated, seriousness coming back to him at this moment, but the small smile didn’t fade from his lips. Anakin nodded and smirked.

“I didn’t know you were so good with kids, Master.” Anakin commented in a snide voice. Obi-Wan looked up at Anakin.

“How ridiculous to say. I have dealt with you for the last ten years, haven’t I?.” Anakin and Obi-Wan shared a laugh and continued walking as they saw Padmé walking towards them.
__________________________

Anakin sat in his room, on the floor, with his knees up, his head in his hands. After he had finished the mission with Obi-Wan and Padmé, and recovered from the attack Count Dooku made upon him and his Master, he thought back to his mother. He lifted his head and looked at his hands, shutting his eyes. With his eyes shut, all he could see was his mother, tied up to that pole, looking pale and sickly. Her sunken face and tired eyes bore into Anakin as she looked him in the eyes. Her face had lit up, as if she never thought she would see him again and whispered his childhood nickname, her voice broken and raspy. Just thinking about the sound made his heart hurt, feeling  his chest tighten. He thought about the pain, the sadness, the happiness, and the blur of a slaughter that followed. He didn’t even fully, consciously, remember doing it. He just remembers the pain and anger he felt, so powerful he couldn’t keep it in. When he woke from his blacked out anger, there was blood on his hands and dead bodies laying all around him.

A little part of him felt regret for what he had done. A larger part of him felt pride that justice had been served. They had killed his mother after all.

He closed his eyes and for the first time, in a long time, Anakin felt tears well up behind his closed eyes, a headache coming in full force as he tried to keep his feelings at bay, like he had always been taught. He tried to conceal his emotions, but Anakin could not hold them back any longer. He felt his shoulders shake and a frown take over his face. His eyebrows scrunched together, and his bottom lip started to quiver, and for the first time, in a long time, Anakin allowed himself to collapse onto himself, and cry.

And cry he did.

It was an ugly sound, he would comment on later, the sound of his grief and anguish as he sobbed into his hands, not letting himself open his eyes and face his true reality.

“Jedi don’t give into their emotions,” He would briefly repeat to himself, but it was all in vain. He gasped loudly as he sobbed, hugging himself, and pulling his knees close to his chest. He imagined his mother holding him, just like she had done when he was a young child, and imagined her voice instead of the bubbling sound of his own voice.

For the sound of his own voice disgusted him, but it was the only thing he could hear, and it just upset him further. He wanted his mother. He wanted her to come back and tell him that it would all be alright and that she would always be there for him. He wanted her to come back and hold him. He wanted her.

But he knew it was all in vain.

His body ached and he briefly wished he never left her side. That he had went back and visited her, and said “Fuck the council!”

Maybe then he could have saved her.

Anakin balled his hands into fists and hit his forehead once, twice, three times, and more, until he felt better. He screamed, his fists banging at the top of his skull as he thought of everything, and grabbed his hair and pulled, his head hunched over, and his forehead red from the assault. In his grief, Anakin didn’t notice the panicked form that had entered his room. It was only when he felt two hands softly tap his arms, that his head snapped up and he came face to face with his Master. Anakin froze, his face bright red and wet from his tears, his hair a mess, and his eyes bloodshot red. Obi-Wan sat in front of him, a bit far, like he was approaching a frightened animal. Anakin said nothing, but closed his eyes and turned away, allowing shame to well up inside him at letting his Master catch him in such a state. Obi-Wan held his hands out and Anakin flinched hard.

He knew, deep down, that Obi-Wan would never hurt him. His teacher. His brother. His father figure, but his grief and devastation in the moment clouded his judgment. If he was in a better state, he would comment on how this was probably the reason the council didn't allow Jedi to feel anything, ever.

Instead, he was shocked when Obi-Wan held him close, his arms enveloping Anakin in his, pulling him closer. Anakin didn’t move for a few seconds, never being held in this position since his mother had done so for him when he was a child. Anakin laid his forehead on Obi-Wan’s shoulder, thinking it was very out of character for his Master to show any form of affections, even if he insisted he cared for Anakin and the other Padawans. It wasn’t until Obi-Wan spoke that Anakin broke again.

“It’s not your fault Anakin,” Obi-Wan had said in a voice barely above a whisper, and Anakin went right back to sobbing. How Obi-Wan even knew was beyond him, but at the moment, he couldn’t bring himself to care. Anakin’s shoulders shook and his hoarse voice came out in muffled screams, and Obi-Wan held him without another word. Anakin cried until he could cry no more, and when no more tears couldn’t be produced, he laid there in silence. Inside, Anakin wished it was his mother sitting in the place of his Master, but Anakin found himself comforted by his presence nonetheless. His throat hurt by the time he stopped screaming, and his body never stopped shaking.

“I’m sorry Anakin,” Obi-Wan said in a hushed tone, and Anakin’s shoulders fell, his body going limp. He was out of tears, and his head hurt, but his heart was still broken. He didn’t have the energy to form any coherent thought. Obi-Wan continued to hold him and Anakin didn’t know how much time had passed as they just sat together, in each other’s embrace. Eventually, Anakin took in a deep breath, calming his mind as much as he could, the exhaustion of everything fully seeping into his bones and he pushed away from his Master lightly, Obi-Wan sitting back and putting a hand on his shoulder.

“She’s dead.” Obi-Wan already knew, having talked to Padmé beforehand, but he allowed Anakin to speak with no interruptions.

“She’s dead and I- I couldn’t save her.” Anakin closed his eyes again, but no tears came out. Obi-Wan removed his hand from his shoulder and crossed his arms over his chest.

“What could you have done?” Anakin’s eyes flew open. He looked to his hands, his face contorted in anger and despair.

“Anything. I could’ve visited more. I could’ve gotten there faster. I could’ve listened to myself and-”

“And you couldn’t have done any of that.” Anakin glared at his Master but before he could speak, Obi-Wan continued.

“You couldn’t visit because the council would not have allowed it.” Obi-Wan spoke.

“But I-”

“And you couldn’t get there faster, shouldn’t have been there at all in fact, because you had a mission to do.” Anakin balled his fists up as he listened to his Master speak.

“Well that's not fair!!” Anakin screamed, slamming his fists onto the floor. Obi-Wan stayed silent as he listened to Anakin scream, and nodded slowly.

“That may be so. But that also means it is not your fault.” Anakin looked up once again and sniffled.

“Even with all the power we have as Jedi, my Padawan, there is only so much we can do. We must accept that some things happen that are out of our control. Including your mother’s death.”

“Then what is the point? If I can’t save the people I care about the most. What is the point Master?” Obi-Wan was silent for a moment as he pondered Anakin’s question carefully.

“Anakin, I know how you feel. Truly, I do. I felt the same way when my Master had fallen. We were fighting a sith together, and when I got held back, he took Qui-Gon Jinn and killed him. Everyday afterward, when I was meditating and alone, I mourned for my friend and wondered if there was anything else I could’ve done.” Anakin looked up at his Master as he spoke, but was not met with his gaze, Obi-Wan looking off to the side. There was an unreadable look on his face and his eyes had glossed over, as if he wasn’t even present in front of Anakin anymore.

“But there wasn’t. I also wondered what point there was to everything, if I could not even save the one person who meant the most to me, but I kept going. I know deep down, my Master would have wanted me to continue training, and he had even asked me to train you. And then, I started training you, Anakin, and it all became clear. The reason I continue to fight, in the face of grief and tragedy, is because there are other people put there who need me. Who cannot fight for themselves.” Obi-Wan looked at Anakin, a pained smile on his face and Anakin looked down.

“Everyone fights for something different, Anakin. You just have to find your reason. Your mother believed in you, that you would achieve great things, and I agree. But you cannot do so, if your mind is shrouded in anger and doubt.” Anakin shook his head, but did not say anything else. Maybe, deep down, he knew that Obi-Wan was right, but at that moment, he didn’t want to believe anything he was saying. Obi-Wan sighed and stood, grabbing Anakin’s shoulder and helping him stand, leading him to his bed. Anakin laid on his side, and stayed silent.

“Try to get some rest, my young Padawan. Tomorrow is a new day.” As Obi-Wan turned to leave, Anakin grabbed his arm. A silent plea not to be left alone in his hour of despair. Obi-Wan silently pulled a chair up next to Anakin’s bed and sat beside him with his arms crossed over his chest and nodded. A silent agreement.  Anakin, comforted by the presence of someone else, allowed himself to close his eyes and fall asleep, his hand still holding onto Obi-Wan sleeve. Obi-Wan waited until Anakin fell asleep and covered him with a blanket, sitting back down and falling asleep in the chair, just in case Anakin had woken up again. When Anakin awoke, he was alone in the room, but held the blanket in his hand, smiling to himself.
__________________________

Anakin didn’t know how it had come to this. One minute, he and Padmé were talking lovingly, talking about a future that they both dreamed of having, and the next, they were arguing about the senate. He was sitting in his room, his shoulders tense and his hands in his face, thinking about how it all went down. He and Padmé didn’t argue often, so when they did, it really took a lot out of Anakin. He ran his hands through his short, buzzed hair before taking in a deep breath, lying on his back and closing his eyes. He could feel a headache starting to form the longer he thought.

They had been talking about the senate, a subject Anakin tried to avoid after their first conversation about it, but it had come up and he was going to stand his ground. Padmé was complaining about Chancellor Palpatine, and Anakin had never understood why both his wife and his Master were so distrusting of him. He had always favored Anakin, treating him with the utmost respect and kindness, and always told Anakin what the right actions were. He had even helped Anakin talk through his slaughter of the sand people, something that he did not even tell his Master.

“You're not like those other Padawans Anakin. I know you are destined for greatness and the only way you can achieve that is to listen to me. We connect on a deeper level than anyone else, even Master Kenobi.” He remembered Palpatine saying. He had avoided telling anyone else the conversations he had with him, knowing his Master would think it was ‘strange that Palpatine was so interested in him.’ He didn’t even know why Padmé was so upset, Anakin had always been defensive of the Chancellor. He sat up and cringed at his own thoughts.

“Why are you so defensive Anakin! Just because you disagree, doesn’t mean I am wrong! And it doesn’t mean you get to control how I think!.” Padmé had yelled just before storming off. She was so full of opinions and Anakin found himself wishing she would be more quiet sometimes. He truly did not know how to find a common ground with her, because regardless of what he wanted, she was just going to do what she thought was right. He looked up at his door, the sound of someone knocking ringing through the otherwise quiet room, and sighed heavily. He stood, opening the door, coming face to face with his Master. A look of shock came across his face.

“Master?” Anakin said. Out of everyone, he didn’t expect to see Obi-Wan there.

“Anakin. I saw Padmé in the hallway mumbling about you and wanted to check to see if everything was alright? She seemed, well, very very angry,” Obi-Wan said as he looked back in the direction he came. Anakin could hear the humor in Obi-Wan’s tone and frowned.

“Something funny Master?” Obi-Wan turned back to Anakin.

“What? No of course not, did I say something wrong?” Obi-Wan shrugged.

“Master.” Anakin said simply and Obi-Wan smiled.

“I didn’t say anything! Regardless, you haven’t answered my question.” Obi-Wan cut him off before he could say anything else.

“Everything is fine Master,” Anakin said quickly.

“Yes, I could tell. It was so fine, Padmé pushed past me saying I must’ve raised you to be inconsiderate and annoying, though, I don’t think she meant it.” Even though Obi-Wan spoke with a light tone, trying to ease some of the tension, Anakin shook his head, a quick thought of ‘I can’t believe she said that,’ crossing his mind, even if she didn’t mean it.

“Are you here to lecture me? Tell me I shouldn’t upset at the senator and then bring it back to the Jedi code somehow?” Anakin spoke as he took a seat on the edge of his bed. Obi-Wan followed Anakin, taking a seat next to him, and putting an awkward hand on his shoulder.

“Well it seems there is no need, considering you already know what you should be doing.” Obi-Wan stopped for a moment, as if considering what to say next. He continued carefully.

“I can sense your unease and fear Anakin-”

“And I should have more control, I should be calmer, I should not have had an emotional outburst the way I did, I know. I know it all,” Anakin cut him off.

“I was going to say, you can confide in me. I am your Master Anakin, I am here to help you in more than just your Jedi studies” Anakin looked at his Master briefly before considering what to say.

“We had an argument about the Chancellor.” He said briefly and he could hear Obi-Wan take in a sharp inhale. Obi-Wan took his hand off of his shoulder, placing them in his lap. Anakin stayed silent, waiting for Obi-Wan to continue.

“I know you and I have…different opinions about your relationship with the Chancellor,” Obi-Wan said, his voice tense before continuing.

“Because he is a good man, Master!” Anakin tried to argue.

“But,” Obi-Wan interrupted before he continued.

“That doesn’t mean that we can’t get along. It should be the same with Senator Amidala. While you may not agree, I think you should try to find a common ground where you can have your opinion and she can have hers. In the end, you have to get along if you're going to be protecting her, and if you want to be her friend.” Anakin nodded, knowing Obi-Wan was right, but before he could continue, the smile on his Master’s face came back.

“And word to the wise, try not to become so…defensive.” Obi-Wan let out a chuckle at Anakin’s groan. Anakin put his face in his hands.

“So you did talk to Padmé?” Obi-Wan shrugged.

“She may have briefly stopped and talked to me.” Obi-Wan said with humor in his voice. Anakin shook his head.

“I’ll go talk to her,” He said with a resigned tone in his voice.

“Give her some time and let her calm down before you go find her,” Obi-Wan put his hand on Anakin’s shoulder , squeezing slightly before standing up. Anakin nodded and Obi-Wan walked his way to the door.

“Thank you Master,” Obi-Wan smiled and nodded before walking away from Anakin. Anakin took a moment to reflect on what Obi-Wan had said before lying back down.

If Padmé needed some time, a small nap wouldn’t hurt.

__________________________

“You know,” Anakin started as Ahsoka looked up at him.

“You should be glad that you became my Padawan instead of Obi-Wan’s.” Ahsoka smiled as she raised an eyebrow, an amused look crossing her face.

“You didn’t like being Master Kenobi’s Padawan?” Anakin chuckled and shook his head.

“I did. But he is much more strict than I am.” Ahsoka laughs lightly.

“I don’t know, I feel like you’re the same in a lot of ways.” Anakin stopped walking and scrunched his eyebrows.

“How so?” Ahsoka just kept walking and Anakin looked at her.

“You’re just not as different as you think you are. You guys are two sides of the same coin, master.” Anakin tried to talk back, but Ahsoka jogged up to Obi-Wan. Anakin watched the two interact, seeing Ahsoka cross her arms after Obi-Wan does, and chuckled.

‘Were nothing alike,’ Anakin couldn’t help but think to himself, and jogged to catch up to them as well.
__________________________

It was an ambush, Anakin would soon come to realize, but unfortunately for him, he realized a bit too late. He was on his own, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka somewhere close, but not with him at the moment, and the enemy was all over him in an instant. He fought diligently, and managed to take down many of them. He even remembered smirking to himself wishing they had made it a bit harder so that he had a challenge.

He would soon come to regret that wish when everything came crashing down.

He had heard the scream of Ahsoka, his young Padawan, and turned his head, panic filling his entire body. It was the quickest of seconds, but enough for the enemy to slash him across the back with a lightsaber. He fell onto his hands and knees and screamed, the pain of being burned so intense and instant, reminding him of his battle with Count Dooku. He turned onto his back, trying to get to his lightsaber, but was hit once again across the stomach. His scream only intensified and his head fell against the cold, tile floors with a loud thud as he passed out instantly.

He awoke again to the sound of Ahsoka crying over him. He was in her arms he realized, and he opened his eyes as much as he could and saw the devastation and panic written across her face.

“Ahsoka…” he had thought to himself, unable to open his mouth and speak the words. He averted his gaze slightly to see Obi-Wan fighting off his attacker, but was struggling as he kept glancing back at Ahsoka and Anakin on the floor. Anakin turned his head to where his lightsaber had fallen and tried to lift his arm to get his weapon to help, but the thought alone made his wounds hurt even more, and the minute he tried, he felt the stabbing pain come back to him. Ahsoka put her hand on his cheek gently, as if she thought he would break, bringing his face back towards her.

“Master, please stay with me! Don’t die please, don’t die!” She had sobbed over him. Anakin didn’t know how he had allowed himself to be in this position in the first place. He was so strong with the force, he should’ve been better in the battle. He should be fighting alongside his old Master, and not lying on his Padawans’ lap, in a pool of his own blood. All Anakin could see was the deep red color that was covering him, a color he would soon come to hate, and he felt the copper taste in his mouth. He could hear Obi-Wan scream as he got hit and cringed. Obi-Wan fell to the floor, the attacker holding his lightsaber up, as if they were going to strike Obi-Wan and as gently as she could in her panic, Ahsoka laid Anakin on the floor, and stood between Obi-Wan and the attacker, who Anakin still did not know the identity of and could not see him clear enough to identify anyway. She used the force to push him back and help Obi-Wan to his feet. Obi-Wan and Ahsoka were now fighting together, dancing around each other as best they could, but with their minds clouded with the thought of Anakin dying, they were unfocused and unbalanced. If Anakin was in a better state, he would tease Obi-Wan and tell him he needed to have a clear head to be a Jedi, just like he had always told him. He would do anything to bring a smile to Ahsoka and Obi-Wan’s faces, instead of the pained and exhausted looks they had now, but he knew he couldn’t, and to Anakin, that hurt the most. He strained his neck to look at them as they moved positions, and watched as Obi-Wan grabbed Ahsoka, holding her close, as he got hit in the back. She jumped around him, having no time to check to see if he was okay, and defended his old Master as Obi-Wan took a moment to collect himself and push past the pain. Anakin reached as best he could for his lightsaber, but the exertion was too much and he passed out once again, his hand falling to the floor, limp and cold.

Anakin came too with the sound of Obi-Wan’s cries of distress and a pair of hands on him. If he strained his ears, Anakin could have sworn he heard Obi-Wan mutter, “Not again,” into the air. Everything hurt, everything was blurry, and the amount of effort it would take to keep his eyes open was a lot more than Anakin was willing to put in. He kept them closed as he felt himself be lifted off the ground. The sticky feeling of his clothes and the taste of blood in his mouth becoming old, and the first coherent thought he had was that he wished he could take a shower.

Actually, that he would kill to take a shower right now.

His hearing was going in and out, everything muffled, but could recognize them as his friends. A brief feeling of happiness crossed him as he realized they had lived through the attack. Anakin put an arm over his stomach, a feeble attempt to stop the blood from pouring out of him. He could feel the wind pass by him as, he assumed, they were now running to the ship. He brought his head to lean on Obi-Wan’s shoulder, so it would stop flopping around and make his headache worse. Anakin could feel himself being placed on a surface, his eyes still closed, but he assumed they were back on the ship. Through barely open eyes, he looked up at Obi-Wan and Ahsoka, taking in how many injuries they had, and wondering if they would not be hurt as badly as they were if he hadn’t been there. He tried to speak, to thank them or ask them if they were okay, but his throat felt as dry as the desert he grew up in, and his protests just turned into whines and groans. He felt Ahsoka place a hand on his face, sniffling to herself, trying to be strong. She wiped his cheeks and Anakin was confused. At this point, he didn’t know what was blood and what was tears, so he didn’t know what she was trying to achieve. Anakin raised his hand to land on Ahsoka’s wrist and tried to ask her what happened, but he couldn’t move his mouth. His grip had shocked her as she gasped, placing her other hand on top of his.

“Master! We're here Master!” She whispered through her sobs as Obi-Wan came next to Ahsoka, and Anakin looked at him. Obi-Wan’s face contorted and a fearful and panicked look in his eyes. Even in his state, Anakin could feel every emotion coming from his Padawan, but also his Master. If Anakin didn’t know any better, he would have thought Obi-Wan was crying for him.

But Anakin did know better, and he couldn’t imagine his Master doing anything like that. Especially not for him.

Anakin let his hand fall from Ahsoka’s wrist, and blacked out once again.

When he awoke for the third time, he was back in the Jedi base, in a medical bay he hadn’t seen in awhile. He tried to sit up, but found it was too painful, so he stayed where he was. Turning his head, he saw Padmé and Ahsoka asleep in two chairs beside him, their faces paler than usual and their eyes puffy. He smiled to himself, happy that they had come to see him in his hour of need. He turned his head further and his eyes landed on his Master, who was asleep just like the other two, but closer to him. He looked exhausted and Anakin could see hints of bandages poking out through his sleeves, and the memories and guilt he had felt before came rushing back into him. His heart ached and his stomach twisted in pain.

“If I had not been there they wouldn’t have been distracted,” was the first thought.

“If I had been better I could’ve helped,” was the second, and the more he thought and looked at his friends, the more guilty thoughts came rushing to Anakin. He felt anger rushing through him and tried to sit up once again, tired of feeling useless, and grit his teeth at the pain.

“Anakin!” Obi-Wan had jumped to Anakin’s side and put a hand on his chest, trying to get him to lay back down.

“You’re injured! What do you think you’re doing?!” Anakin struggled against Obi-Wan for a few minutes and Obi-Wan forcefully pushed him back down.

“I am fine Master! Let me up!” Anakin had said in a raised, angry voice.

“If you stand too fast, you’ll reopen all your wounds Anakin! I am not in the mood to have to bleed all over my robes once again.” Obi-Wan had said, trying to keep his tone light, but Anakin could hear the panic that lingered and frowned. Anakin relaxed and Obi-Wan took a step back as Ahsoka and Padmé came up next to him. In his struggle against Obi-Wan, he didn't realize they had awoken.

“Ani!” Padmé exclaimed and took a hold of one of his hands.

“Padmé.” He smiled up at her, then turned to Ahsoka.

“My young Padawan. How are you feeling?” Ahsoka scoffed, but smiled regardless.

“Me? How are you feeling, Master?” He closed his eyes once again and sighed.

“Fine, I guess. Don’t tell me you were worried?” Ahsoka scoffed once again as Anakin smirked.

“Me? No way. I knew you would pull through this. You only ever brag about how talented you are, so I figured there had to be some truth to your words,” Anakin chuckled softly and his smirk melted away into a fond smile.

“Besides, if you want to talk about worried, you should ask Mr. Panic over here. Obi-Wan refused to leave your side the whole time.” She said as she motioned to Obi-Wan, who was looking off to the side, face unreadable as he breathed heavily, but turned when the attention was diverted to him. He straightened his back and frowned.

“What? How ridiculous, you were the one crying for hours about ‘My Master, please save him.’” Obi-Wan smirked as he mocked Ahsoka. Anakin watched in amusement at the two.

“Yeah, well you were the one who was annoying the medical staff to ‘be gentle’ and ‘take care of him.’ You even told one of the medical staff that she ‘must’ve done it wrong’ because Anakin wasn’t doing better. Honestly, if I didn’t know any better, I would’ve thought he was your own son the way you were treating him.” Obi-Wan stopped and cleared his throat, shaking his head.

“Ridiculous lies you’re spreading.” He said softly. Padmé chuckled to herself.

“We were all worried about you, Anakin.” She said as she held his hands tightly between hers. Anakin smiled, knowing that his friends cared so much for him made his heart fill with joy. Anakin looked back at Obi-Wan, his face more gentle and relaxed now, and thought about what Ahsoka had said. Obi-Wan was his best friend. His brother. And most importantly, his father.

It was nice to know Obi-Wan felt the same. He truly hoped that they would have this relationship forever.

(They wouldn’t)

__________________________

All Anakin could feel was hatred. The man he trusted most in the world turned out to be the one who betrayed him in the end. He looked at Padmé’s unconscious body and felt himself tear up. Everything in his life had lead up to this in the end. All the mission, all the failure, all the fear, was leading up to the moment when he would have to fight his best friend. It was never supposed to be this way. Obi-Wan was everything to Anakin.

His mentor. His brother. His father.

Anakin had his back turned toward Obi-Wan, but could feel Obi-Wan grab onto his sleeve.

“Anakin, please. You don’t have to go down this road.” Obi-Wan pleaded with Anakin. Anakin stared at the hand on his sleeve and a single tear fell down his cheek. The amount of time that Anakin had held onto his Obi-Wan’s sleeve so that he could catch up. So that he could always be with him. So that he could find comfort in his Master’s presence. Now holding onto his sleeve in a pathetic plea for his life. Anakin glared and ripped his arm out of Obi-Wan’s grip.

“It’s to late for that now.” He said as he ignited his lightsaber. They fought, and with every attack Anakin felt himself fading away.

There was a time, not to long ago, when Anakin would sit in the empty banquet room, and look up at the stars as Obi-Wan would tell Anakin about his past mission and give him hope for the future. But now, all Obi-Wan was, was a sordid reminder of what could’ve been.

They could’ve been brothers, but now, all that mattered what that Obi-Wan was dead.

Of course, that was never how it went.

As Anakin lay on the medical table, his new life ahead of him, he thought back to Obi-Wan.

The man who was dead to him.