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It was already sunset when Emma parked the car beside the black Benz-Mercedes and walked in the door after her shift at the station, with her leather jacket slung over her shoulder and her badge and gun still sitting on her hips. It was quiet inside, at first, she didn't notice anything out of the ordinary as she stored away her weapon in the safe.
After settling down and lounging around for a few minutes, the sheriff had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind as her brows furrowed. Where was her girlfriend? It was almost too quiet in the house. Regina hadn't answered her text from earlier when she informed her she was exiting the station.
There was no sign of her anywhere down on the ground level except for the half-hazardously thrown keys on the countertop. That was odd because Emma knew her girlfriend and the mayor usually hung it by the door where she insisted the blonde do the same so she wouldn't lose hers regularly.
Both curious and concerned, the sheriff wandered up the stairs. She first went into the bedroom, Emma pushed open the door and found it dark. There was still no sign of her girlfriend when the slightly ajar washroom door caught the blonde's eye.
Slowly, Emma pushed the door wider, which revealed Regina sitting with her knees curled up on the tiled floor, arms wrapped around herself as she stared ahead at the under-sink cupboard. The former queen was still, static, silent. She was wearing the work clothes she left home that morning, blouse, dress pants, heels still intact.
The blonde shut the door behind her but Regina remained motionless like she hadn't noticed Emma's arrival, which told the sheriff that something was wrong. She crouched beside the brunette, "Regina?" she said softly. "Baby?"
"Hmm?" She finally turned to look at Emma, moving slowly like her head was filled with storm clouds. "When did you get home?" She asked confused as she watched the blonde sit next to her. The floor was cold, Emma noticed but it clearly didn't bother Regina, something distressing must have overridden in her mind. "About twenty minutes ago. I texted before I left, didn't you hear me come in?" The blonde replied kindly.
"Sorry, I must 've zoned out," Regina mumbled and stared straight ahead again. Emma was getting increasingly concerned. The former queen had that look, the look the blonde learned to interpret, screaming just beneath the surface. The disquieted, raging thoughts mercilessly tortured her girlfriend.
"Baby?" Emma reached out and gently laid her hand over Regina's, hoping to bring her tether back. The brunette looked back at her, unaware of the worry etched into her girlfriend's face. "Yeah?" The blonde couldn't help but swipe a piece of hair Regina was trying to hide behind to the hurt she recognized in her eyes.
Giving physical touch was Emma's love language and she really wanted to engulf her girlfriend in a hug and make everything better but she knows that's not how trauma works. So instead, she was impossibly patient, trying to coax her to tell her what happened. "Tell me what's going on in that beautiful brain of yours?"
"Nothing," The former queen feigned as she turned away from her girlfriend, unwilling to meet her eyes. Emma sighed. "Regina... We've been through this before, please don't make us go through it again." There was silence and Regina opened and closed her mouth like she might say something but she didn't.
Emma thought she had maybe pushed too hard and as a result, the brunette shut down from her. Then, Regina blurted out after a long while, her voice cracking in the middle of the sentence. "I want to speed and drive off the road and crash the car." She bit her tongue, ashamed of her confession. How could she be so fucking pathetic?
"What?" The sheriff froze, slightly alarmed.
"What if I just..." she paused, her cheeks were turning red from shame as she stared down at her feet. "crash the car?" She repeated in a hushed voice, followed by a shuddering exhale of shaky breath.
"Wait, baby. Go back. What happened?" The blonde questioned, wanting more context, it was as if Regina started at the end of the story.
"I hit and scraped the car. It's stupid, it's nothing." The perception that she would be unable to cope with a situation had blown the situation way out of proportion and she was easily overwhelmed where non-traumatized people cope easily.
Emma was quiet for a moment as she racked her brain to come up with something sensitive to console her, but all she could think of was, "And your first thought was to crash the car?"
Regina simply shrugged her shoulders. "I guess I just want to feel something other than guilt or shame or I like fucked up again." she rambled on. "I don't know. I shouldn't even care. I think I'm fucked up in the brain. I know- it's pathetic."
"No, baby. It's not pathetic, it's your trauma response being stupid. To a person who hasn't gone through the wrath we've been through, it might seem extreme. But you've experienced emotional and psychological abuse that no one should have and it's reasonable that you react differently."
"That voice, that insists, That's your mother's voice, your mother's issues, not yours. That mistakes make you unlovable. That pain equals punishment."
"My mother used to berate me-" she shuddered, thinking back, her voice sounded hollow. She could still see the fire burning in her eyes and feel the heat radiating off of her as the blood boiled under her skin. "She made me feel like existing was like committing a crime." But all the little girl could do was just stand there like a frozen deer in headlights and let the tears well up in her eyes.
"To hell with your mother. You know how I feel about her." Emma's tone changed to cold and hard then added softly again. "You're not fucked up, you're hurt. And when someone's been hurt enough times, their brain starts trying to protect them the only way it knows how—even if it doesn't make sense."
Regina finally dared to look at her, her eyes welled up with heavy tears. "I'm sorry you have to deal with me. I'm sure this is not what you signed up for. I wish I could be normal for you. You don't deserve to have to deal with my trauma when you have your own and you could get triggered."
"Regina." The blonde cupped her face. "I willingly choose to want every part of you. That includes the broken parts. And I will say it over and over again if you need to hear it." Emma whispered tenderly. "Come on, baby, let's get you to bed. It's okay to be not okay. Give me some of that hurt, just for now I can be strong for both of us, okay?"
Regina's bottom lip quivered. Then, finally, she nodded, "Okay..." So Emma scooped her up gently into her arms and carried her girlfriend to the bed, holding her like she was the most precious thing she had ever held. Regina didn't resist. She just lay her head on Emma's shoulder and let herself be carried.
Placing her on the mattress, the blonde climbed in beside her and let Regina curl up flush against her body. There were no tears, no cries but just the quiet kind of breaking, trembling in the safety of Emma's arms as she held her through her pain.
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