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The girl is a problem, Colin thinks, or is going to be one. He’s been tensed with nerves since the first time they set foot in the pyramid, but the girl is entirely something else that bothers him immensely. She inspires a feeling, unpleasant one, which he cannot quite name.
She looks young. Much younger, but Colin did not miss her wary gaze. Too careful for someone her age. The first question she asked Delissandro, right after the Queen and the Bishop made their way out, makes his eyes narrow.
“What’s your secret?” she has asked, and Colin holds his tongue and his twitching fingers, itching to reach for his dagger.
He manages not to, though. Despite anything, the only reason Colin even made it as far as Comida is because Deli pays him to be his weapon. So, even though he dislikes the way she looks somewhat awestruck at Deli after his stupid response—the look that causes a certain, specific, probably better unnamed itch in the back of his head, Colin will only strike on Deli’s say so. Plus, he doesn’t want to admit it out loud, but Deli’s stupid response gives him some kind of assurance.
Only that does not last long enough as Colin begins to carry the Bishop out of the pyramid and catches Deli sliding up next to the girl. He witnesses them walking side by side, watches as they talk in hushed voices, and ignores the sinking feeling that’s present in his stomach.
Later, in his bed as he gets ready to sleep, Colin can’t help but feel like there are strings all over his joints and, whoever his puppeteer is, is walking him towards an unavoidable doom.
Colin is glad that there has been no news from the Fellowship for a while.
Ever since the night he was summoned to the pyramid, even some time after they left Comida, the fear of his secret being exposed has gnawed at him each day. But it’s been almost two years now and they have not bothered him and Deli has granted him with a title, so Colin decided that he’s allowed to lower his guard.
They’ve had too much to drink that night and Deli has so much to say about everything. Alcohol has always loosened his tongue. Colin doesn’t complain, though, he rather enjoys listening to the man talks.
“You know, about the Fellowship,” Deli begins to speak again after a few moments of silence. Colin fiddles with his belt. “Do you remember Senator Ariana?”
“Yeah.”
He watches Deli’s expression turns somber, but the corner of his mouth twitches into a thin smile. “She… Well, she and I, we have a thing. That is the secret that the Fellowship have about me.”
Colin pinches the inside of his elbow. He thinks he imagines an ache. He sees the emotion that Deli talks about it with; he recognizes a twinge of anger and pride in it, a giddiness that can’t be missed. He doesn’t say anything and Deli carries on and on, filling him in on their relationship that Colin frankly does not care much about. He won’t tell Deli, but he fears he goes as far as despising it.
“I won’t disappoint her and let this be known. Not on our terms.”
She’s using you, Colin wants to say, his fingers twitch around his dagger. Colin wants to say so much, but Deli didn’t make him a Skald to tell him the truth. Especially not the one Deli will not believe. They are quiet after a moment. When he turns his head, Deli is looking at him and Colin sees the expectation behind his gaze.
He actually considers it for a moment. The words are sitting on the tip of his tongue until Colin remembers what topic has brought them into this point of conversation and he bites them back. “I think it might make our relationship simpler if I don’t, you know, tell you mine,” he finally says. Colin thinks he sees a flicker of disappointment there and that makes him panic, so he adds, “But, I think some people want to find out who I am or where I am.”
“People from the Dairy Islands?”
“Yeah, but I don’t think we should—”
Deli narrows his eyes at him and tilts his head, “Is it someone you killed?”
“No,” Colin answers immediately, catching the look on Deli’s face that tells him that he’s considering if Colin is lying or not. “I don’t think I even really did anything.”
There is a slight pause before Deli nods and looks down at his glass. “Well, if you ever want to divulge it, I’m…” Deli stops, Colin sees his eyebrows furrowing, then he looks up at him again and adds, like he has just got a simple realization, “I guess simple has always been how we’ve kept things.”
It’s not like he doesn’t trust Deli. It is quite the opposite, actually. Colin has been by his side for some time now that he knows if there’s anyone he could trust, it would be Deli, because he knows the man has the power to turn against him. Easily, even, but he hasn’t done it.
His secret is something that makes him feel worse as a person than he usually does; a reminder that his existence, if known, will be treated like nothing but a sport. And Colin has given Deli so much, some things involuntarily. He doesn’t think he would be able to bear the pain if Deli somehow found it in himself to use Colin’s secret against him. He thinks he’d rather be melted on the street by thousands of Dairy Islands people than carrying that kind of heartache.
Colin nods and says, “And I think that’s best.”
He sees Deli nodding and Colin downs his drink just to feel something in his guts that has nothing to do about Deli.
It isn’t long after that when the Fellowship finally bothered them again. Colin arrives at the rendezvous point after making sure he and Deli could have several options to escape if necessary.
The girl is here as well and Colin watches her as she speaks with Deli, noticing the way she blushes and tucks her hair behind her ear often. His gaze drifts towards Deli and he knows Deli noticed it, too; he’s acting way too confident, chest puffed and he seems giddy. Just like the night he told Colin about his secret.
Colin pushes in between them, arms crossed as he clears his throat. “I’m Skald now,” he says, glancing down at Karna who looks at him with a slight confusion. He raises an eyebrow at her, “We’re all important here.”
Karna looks weirded out and, as much as he doesn’t like admitting it, he feels proud.
Later that night, they collectively decided to stay in Karna’s safehouse (Colin with some reluctance). Deli cooks for them and Colin has to stop himself from rolling his eyes as he watches Karna’s reaction to it. When they eat, Amangeaux smiles at Deli and asks, “So, tell us about you, Thane.”
Colin squints and catches her glancing at Karna, whose glare is sending daggers at her. But Amangeaux ignores it. “I’m gonna go,” Karna announces, but Amangeaux grabs her arm before she could leave. “Don’t go! We were all just getting to know each other.”
Colin pushes his bowl on the table and gets up, cannot stand to watch this whole thing anymore. “I’m gonna try to hang out on the roof,” he says, nodding at everyone although his gaze lingers at Deli before he gets out of the room.
*
They are all panting, and trying not to, as the creature lies on its back. Deli walks over to it and Colin feels the urge to reach him.
“What are you doing?” he asks, but Deli doesn’t answer.
For a split second, Colin sees him and Karna share a look. Then Deli stabs the creature twice, lifting it off the ground at the edge of his spear on the second stab.
Colin’s stomach churn. Between this and what they have just done, he’s starting to wonder if he is standing on the right side of history.
*
Colin cannot sleep. Whenever he closes his eyes, the event is played back in his mind. It makes him feel sick, so he sighs and sits up. He almost jumped when he finds Deli across him by the fire, half his face illuminated bright with orange, but the look in his eyes are not bright at all.
Deli catches his eyes, says nothing, and turns his gaze into the fire again. Colin hesitates for a second before he scoots only a little closer to the fire, just enough for Deli to be able to hear him from the other end.
“Is this how you saw this going?” he asks after a moment of silently searching for the strength to talk to Deli.
“We could’ve had no idea how this was going to go. They are the architects,” Deli responds. He doesn’t know how to react to that—he was hoping Deli would say something else. But after tonight, seeing the unsettling determination in Deli’s eyes as he killed that seemingly innocent creature, Colin feels like he doesn’t know the person before him anymore.
Deli begins telling him his plan: return to Carn and gather forces. After tonight, the Fellowship will surely have their backs. Deli just needs to lay everything down and the Meat Lands will follow. Aggressively, at that. “There can be no holding back,” Deli says.
Colin looks into the fire. He imagines stretching his hand out to it, imagines burning, melting. Like his father and his grandfather. Then he remembers the face of Queen Pamela Rocks, the banana guy on the boat who he had to kill only because the man was inconveniently there. He feels hurt. It doesn’t feel fair at all.
“I think that there’s value in holding back,” he murmurs, looking up when he hears Deli standing up, “Especially after what we just did.”
Deli’s face hardens. Colin has never seen this expression in his face before and he wonders where has the Deli he’s known over the years gone.
“There can be no holding back, Colin. This is the moment,” he barks. Colin’s jaw clenches as he stares at Deli. “You hear the bishop; war is about to come. The Meat Lands will be united. We will stand and we will fight.”
Colin opens his mouth to say something, but Deli beats him to it. “And you will be there with me.”
All the time that Colin has stayed by his side, Deli has given him a few commands, of course. Sometimes there will be fierceness in them when they are in a fight, but it has never felt this… cruel. Deli hasn’t looked away from him and Colin tries to study his face.
It feels strange when someone you think you know very well changes right before your eyes. It feels like attending a funeral and standing over a tomb that you know is empty.
Colin gets up, hands shaking as he starts to unbuckle his baldric. He catches the little confusion in Deli’s eyes and it would have been enough to stop him, but Colin tells himself that it will be okay, that he has to be stronger than his affection for Deli. He drops his baldric on the ground, along with his dagger and sword.
“You know, for a long time I thought that these secrets they’re threatening us with are the worst thing that could possibly happen,” Colin says, looking down at the weapons he has used for as long as he lives, “I know now that this is so much worse.”
Deli doesn’t say anything, head turned away. Colin is now seeing a path in his mind that he will take without Deli leading him and he internally winces. “I promised the Chieftess that I would watch your back,” Colin continues, and the mention of his mother earns him Deli’s attention, even for a sliver, “I guess, you know, I think she wanted me to do this because she thought that you would make a great leader. And I do think that you’re good at… whatever this is.”
Deli fully turns to him now and Colin is beginning to feel his resolve crumbles. When he opens his mouth again, he speaks quieter, slower—for fear of Deli noticing the shakiness in it. “But I don’t know if I agree that that is the kind of leader that I want to be… with.”
Deli doesn’t even give it some thought before he retorts. “If you’re unsure, then I’m not the kind of leader who needs you.”
Colin thinks he’s going to fall on his knees.
“I don’t need you. In fact, I’m better without you,” Deli says like it’s final and Colin understands a dismissal when he sees one.
When they meet again, he thinks everything seems to be working out for the better for him. At least in appearance. Colin still doesn’t know how he feels about being a knight, walking around in his armour feels like he’s wearing a skin that doesn’t belong to him. And don’t even mention the company. Raphaniel has never been the kind of man whose company Colin would choose. But technically, his life looks better now, and he has Raphaniel to thank for it.
Deli, on the other hand, looks worse for wear. No, that’s not right. He looks stronger. The mustard eyepatch catches Colin’s attention, but they don’t speak to each other and Colin tries to convince himself that he doesn’t want to. Especially after finding out that Deli and Karna came together.
But then it is Colin who catches up to him first as they venture deeper into the cave. Colin sees Deli’s back and hesitates, heart stops beating for a second when Deli turns his head and sees him.
Colin wonders if he should say something, but Deli brings a finger to his mouth, signalling him not to speak.
He shrugs and steps closer, almost pressed behind Deli as he tries to peek over. Deli turns and shushes him again. He’s getting annoyed. “I think we should talk at some point,” he says. They cannot go forward without speaking, surely. Deli and him are the only two people in this group who cannot do the quiet talk in their mind.
Deli looks at him weirdly—like there is some kind of hope in his eyes. “Oh, you wanna talk?” he says, and Colin gathers quickly that Deli’s completely misunderstood him. But that just reminds him of the night they separated and Colin feels something he has not felt in a long time. A tug in his chest that he used to feel everyday when he was stuck by Deli’s side.
“Well, not right now,” he ends up saying instead of telling Deli that that wasn’t what he meant. There’s a slight pause and Deli nods at him. “Alright, okay. We should.”
Colin doesn’t know if the pit he’s feeling in his stomach is hope or dread.
*
The night feels familiar to him like it did many years ago. The only difference is that Colin’s hands don’t shake anymore. Or if they did, it must be really faint that he fails to notice.
They have sheltered themselves in Karna’s safehouse again. The room filled with silence so awful that Colin finds himself wishing Raphaniel was here. He looks over at Deli who is sitting by the table—the one the five of them used to eat together on, Deli’s mediocre stew filling their stomachs. A letter is laid on the table and Deli seems to be tracing every word over and over again.
“I’m sorry,” Colin says. Deli looks up at him, an eyebrow raised and Colin nods to the letter, “About Karna.”
Deli lets out a heavy sigh and gets up, only to drop himself on the mattress. “I think,” when he starts to speak, Colin scrambles from the window he’s leaning against to stand nearer so he could hear Deli better. The man has his face pressed against the mattress and his voice is muffled. “More than anything, I feel bad because I knew how she felt about me. I kept her by my side with that knowledge, even though I knew I would never give her anything in return.”
Colin crosses his arms and tries not to convey anything as he responds, “You gave her Skald.”
Deli chuckles, turns to lie on his back and gives Colin a knowing look. But he doesn’t say anything, so Colin steps forward and sits on the foot of the mattress.
“It’s pretty messed up that you immediately called me by that title again merely seconds after she died.”
Deli chuckles again and Colin sees him covering his eyes with his large arm. “Yeah, I’m pretty messed up, huh?”
*
As they go to sleep, Colin asks in the darkness. “Will you take me back, then?”
From the floor, he hears Deli says “huh?” but doesn’t bother rolling over to at least look at him. Colin’s eyes are fixed at the bed. He can at least see one of Deli’s hands hanging by the bed above him. He could reach up and hold it, but he doesn’t give into the urge.
“As your Skald,” Colin braves himself to ask, “Will you take me back?”
Pause.
It stretches for a long moment that Colin was almost sure Deli has fallen asleep. But then he hears Deli’s voice, his fingers that Colin can see ball up into a fist as he speaks, “We’ll talk about it in the morning.”
*
Colin wakes with a back pain. He really needs to mind his aging body these days and actually sleep on a mattress. He’s still pretty strong, but he doesn’t have the same body as he did in his youth. He allows himself a few more minutes to just lie there and stares at the ceiling before he sits up and stretches, a loud yawn passes his mouth.
“Deli, wake up—”
He turns his head and stops. The bed is empty.
A panic settles in his chest. Colin gets on his feet quickly and looks around, searching for a sign that lets him know that Deli is only gone for a moment. Maybe he’s out buying something, maybe he really is just right outside the door, enjoying the morning air. But what little things that Deli had are no longer there, including the letter Karna has left for him.
Something familiar lays on the table and Colin steps closer, picks it up and laughs, bitter as it comes. He’s never thought that he would see that dagger again after he dropped it on the night they had fought. He was pretty sure that Deli wouldn’t even care to keep it, but it looks just like it did when Colin left it.
Colin holds it to his chest and closes his eyes. He knows now that he will not wander around without direction. He’s not the same clueless man that he used to be before Deli found and hired him. Colin thinks of the Fellowship—of Karna and Raphaniel—and he knows he will live to end it.
He sets the dagger down again, let it rest on the table.
“Live well, Chief,” he whispers and leaves.