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Their relationship wasn’t supposed to get any deeper than what Taesan was comfortable with.
It was supposed to be some simple hook-up at a college party, nothing more and nothing less. A quick interaction of intimacy, a small make out session to get rid of any built up stress the semester caused him.
It’s just Taesan didn’t take in account who he was involving himself with. Granted, Jaehyun didn’t know who he was involving himself with either.
Because after a quick show of intimacy between the two, it was something neither could get enough of, to the point where Jaehyun even took initiative to actually get to know Taesan as a person instead of jumping into something quick and forgettable.
They exchanged socials and left the night at that, it was really all they could do considering the fact Taesan got dragged away by Sungho moments after.
Post party though, they kept in touch. Surprisingly it was Taesan that reached out first, asking if Jaehyun got home safely. Not because Taesan wanted anything from Jaehyun, definitely not because he actually wanted to get to know him too, it’s just because he prided himself on being a decent person.
It just escalated from there. Not in a bad way though, regardless of what both of them thought but in a way too fast for either of them to recognize.
Their affection styles differed, their avoidance got the best of them which led them to where they are now.
Jaehyun loved him like a soft question. Jaehyun loved Taesan cautiously, gently, with unspoken hope lingering every time he was around him. He always gave him space to answer, to not answer, and hell he was always unsure about the two of them but sincere.
During that time too, Jaehyun also felt as if he was quietly waiting for Taesan’s answer. As if he was trying to observe how he genuinely felt towards him with the quiet affection Taesan would give to him.
The affection consisting of the late night phone calls Taesan would always comply with despite always saying he loved sleeping early, the times he would carve out tiny moments out of his schedule just for the two of them to hang out one on one. He gave him all of his quiet, consistent care that Jaehyun always recognized. It was just hard to differ what that care was to Taesan, if he gave that care to just anyone.
Taesan loved him like a quiet promise. It wasn’t flashy or grand, it was his love to give that was intentional and deeply felt. He never made a scene when it came to loving Jaehyun, in fact he preferred to keep their bond away from the eyes of their mutual friends.
That’s how much it meant to him. It wasn’t because it wasn’t important to him, in fact it felt too important. That’s why he had his “friendship” with Jaehyun and friendship with their mutual friends be two different things.
But as mentioned before, their avoidance got the better of them.
Despite it hard to believe, Jaehyun avoided him out of fear of being exposed. He knew how he presented himself when it came to Taesan, who was aware of how loud and obvious it was when it came to loving him but he was afraid of being exposed of how deep his feelings ran.
Taesan avoided him out of self-awareness. He tried to keep a distance from Jaehyun the whole time he knew him because he was starting to realize how fast Jaehyun was falling. Hell, even though Taesan felt himself quietly falling for Jaehyun too it still felt too fast for his liking no matter how right it felt.
He needed to get a grip onto himself and the situation before he lost himself because of it.
So he told him he needed space.
And that space lasted weeks to where they are now, which led them to this conversation, that conversation. An avoidant’s worst nightmare.
“Taesan, Jesus Christ, we can’t continue playing this song and dance between us. Either you tell me how you genuinely feel so I can stop pursuing you, so I can get over you, over us.” Jaehyun said with desperation evident in his voice.
Jaehyun caught him outside, at a study spot he knew Taesan chose so he wouldn’t find him. It was new and somewhere Taesan never dragged Jaehyun to if Taesan wanted to hang out with him one on one.
Jaehyun didn’t expect it this little detail to upset him so much, that Taesan was avoiding him that bad.
“You can’t avoid me for weeks and just..not expect this to happen? We had a system, we had a routine.”
Taesan watched him speak with his arms crossed over his chest, a subconscious way for him to feel protected in this moment, a way to keep a hold on himself so he doesn’t loose himself, spilling over the secrets and feelings he kept from Jaehyun due to the self awareness of their situation.
But he did it anyway, not to the point where you’d ‘need a caution sign in case you slip’ kind of spill but one that gave a clear glimpse into Taesan’s feelings and anyone that knows him, knows he did spill, more than he meant too.
“I know we had a routine, okay? But christ, Jaehyun. Everything felt so fast and you were falling so quick already and I just can’t involve you in my life when I really don’t have everything together and I just..” Taesan stopped, suddenly feeling the lump in his throat but he needed to get it out anyway, he hates being misunderstood.
“I was already falling deeply myself, probably even deeper than you.”
Jaehyun looked at him carefully, he knew the weight of Taesan’s words, he knew Taesan wouldn’t lie to him. He especially knew how careful Taesan navigated and treated someone else’s feelings in comparison to his own. That’s why when he asks him,
“Is this the first time you’re admitting it? Have you kept yourself from thinking this up until now?” And he’s met with a flinch and slight nod, he tries to navigate this carefully too.
Jaehyun sighed as he ran his hand through his hair.
“Just talk to me then. Tell me everything you’ve been holding back on. Let me understand you, Taesan. Walk me through your brain so I could understand you properly.”
Taesan shifted his eyes to the ground to avoid Jaehyun’s gaze, the worst part about it is that it wasn’t sharp, he looked genuinely confused and wanted to take time to understand Taesan like he said. That was the worst part about this whole situation.
Taesan wanted Jaehyun to blow up at him, yell, do something because no matter how Jaehyun viewed him, he thought he treated him like absolute shit.
But the most he could do was say something as of now, just be honest with his feelings.
Jaehyun walked closer, reaching out for his hand and having just a light hold on it so if Taesan wanted to pull away, he could.
But he didn’t and was instead met with a small glance from Taesan, the most of his face he’s seen after all those weeks.
“You’ll let me understand you, right?” He asked barely above a whisper.
Taesan responded with a soft “Mhm..” and took in a deep breath, trying to organize his thoughts, organize the an explanation to Jaehyun who genuinely deserved one.
“I know you’re thinking very heavily about these things and I know you wouldn’t want to overwhelm me with a heavy loaded confession so please Taesan, talk to me.”
“Overwhelm me, I don’t care. Talk my ear off, confuse me and explain, over explain even, just talk to me.” Jaehyun continued on while sitting down on the bench next to the tree, the desperation seeping back into his voice.
It was silent for a few moments until,
“I’m..I’ve noticed how quick you were falling. I was trying to figure myself out during the months where I noticed you falling faster and maybe even deeper.” Taesan spoke up, mentioning what he’s already confessed. He sat next to Jaehyun, already knowing this would be a long yet needed conversation.
He didn’t face him just yet though, he just hung his head low with his hands formed into fists.
“I know the way we met and our first interaction wasn’t..the friendliest, something you wouldn’t do if you just wanted to be friends with someone but after we kinda stepped away from it, I understood what you were doing but I also wasn’t so sure on what you were doing.”
Jaehyun wanted to say something but continued to let Taesan speak out, knowing this is probably the only time he would actually want to talk about how he felt, he didn’t want Taesan to feel rejected in any way to the point where he only shared some of his feelings.
“I went through..a lot of stages during our whole..” he paused, “friendship.”
A word that made both of them cringe.
“I was a little confused and even found myself falling quietly, thinking about how i cared about you more than I should. During my quiet falling, I did observe you. I noticed how your energy shifted when I said something that caught you off guard, how our touches lingered longer than it should, how you always watched my expression whenever your friends, my friends, our mutual friends, would say something about our relationship, I’ve observed you and studied you the best I could.” Taesan rambled, trying his best to actually look at Jaehyun when he was talking.
“I noticed all these things and still didn’t have a clear way in where we stood. I noticed how you liked me but didn’t know how much you liked me. Hell, I probably thought you treated all your friends this way, you know aside from making out with them when you meet them for the first time.”
“Everything just felt so complicated and I hate complicated relationships without a proper label to it so I stepped away.” He finished off, not feeling the need to say anything more.
This whole thing was just fear lingering during their whole relationship. Fear of rejection on Jaehyun’s behalf and fear that Jaehyun wouldn’t be able to honor or handle Taesan’s feelings carefully on his behalf.
“How much I liked you? Taesan, I’m inlove with you.” Jaehyun said without actually thinking and that’s what caught Taesan’s attention.
Leehan had pointed out that Jaehyun likely felt deeper than what Taesan actually thought but Taesan always had the mindset of just having that person say what they felt instead of believing someone else’s thought or opinion.
And Jaehyun eased how Taesan felt just by saying that.
“I was waiting for you to say that.” Taesan mumbled, his hand getting closer to Jaehyun.
Jaehyun looked at him, watching Taesan’s facial expression soften, no longer conflicted, no longer tensed, his shoulders even fell; no longer uptight as if he needed to be on guard.
“I’m inlove with you too.” Taesan spoke up again, feeling the need to put his feelings out there too, for Jaehyun’s sake as well. He didn’t wang Jaehyun to feel as if he was reading things wrong and wanted give any clarification he needed.
“I really just tried to protect your feelings and mine too. Even if “protecting” my feelings meant being in denial. I didn’t want you to be with me especially if i’m feeling as if i’m not..secure in myself. I wanted to be with you when I felt like I was my ideal self in a way. When I had everything figured out.” Taesan confessed. “Even if I did want more, I didn’t want to act so recklessly when it came to you.”
Jaehyun sighed, “I never meant to confuse you. I never meant to give you any mixed signals, Taesan. You’ve never imagined anything and I’m sure any interaction that you overthought was me trying to act more as friends.”
“You weren’t just a “phase” or someone who was just a friend. You’re my person, Taesan. I saw all of you and loved every part of you, no matter how un-put together you might’ve felt. You don’t need to be perfect for me to love you, okay? Hell, you’re even perfect to me right now.”
It was quiet for a bit, a comfortable silence though. It didn’t feel tense anymore and everything as of now felt like it’s been said. If there was anything else, they would have that conversation.
“No more running away?” Jaehyun said, his hand going up ro cradle Taesan’s face. Getting the clearest and most proper look as his face he’s seen since how many weeks.
“No more running away.” Taesan answered while leaning in to give Jaehyun a small peck on his lips, still feeling like he didn’t want to immediately rush into things and Jaehyun picked up on that.
They’ll be okay.