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You were in your bed, hiding yourself under the covers, your elbow digging uncomfortably into the mattress as you lay curled up on your side. With the duvet pulled all the way up to your chin, you were covering as much of yourself as you could, just letting your head stick out. It was enough to let you breathe in shaky breaths of cold air, a stark contrast to your overheated face.
I could find the whole meaning of life in those sad eyes. Come out of hiding I’m right here beside you, and I’ll stay there as long as you’ll let me.
Natasha hadn’t seen you all day, she knew that you sometimes needed time to yourself, but normally you were glued to her side. So, she wandered around the compound searching for you. When she turned the corner into your room and her eyes landed on yours, glossy and filled with water that trickled out of the corners, her heart clenched. Of course, she had noticed that something had been off with you lately, your normal bright and bubbly personality had dimmed. It hurt to see you like this; it hurt because you were usually so full of life. Looking at you now, she couldn’t find that energy, you seemed hollow, a shell of yourself.
Tears soaked into the pillow beneath your head, the feeling of the damp fabric beneath you was uncomfortable, but you couldn’t find it in yourself to care enough to move.
Time was still racing on- you heard Natasha moving closer towards you, felt the dip in the bed at she sat beside your pathetic, unmoving form- but it felt like you were floating above it all. Existing outside the flow of time. Stuck, frozen in one place as the world moved on around you. What did it matter? What was the point?
It’s addictive the minute you let yourself think, the things that I say just might matter to someone.
“What can I do?” Natasha asked, her voice was gentle, but it echoed as shout in your head, shattering like glass in the silence of the room. Her gaze was fixed so intently on you, analysing your face as she waited for your answer. Some might see her expression as being overbearing, but you knew that it was just her way of showing that she cares. She was looking for any signs that you might be lying about how you feel and what you need. That was, if you decided to answer.
She hoped that you were going to talk to her.
Communicating ugly feelings to each other was something that you had both been trying to work on together. It wasn’t something that came easily for either of you.
Scanning your body language and expression, she was searching for signs of any added discomfort that she might be causing you, unknowingly. As she would do on a mission, she honed her focus, ready to take in all the necessary information so that she could use it to complete her mission. Helping you feel better was her current mission.
Just the thought of her love and care brought a fresh wave of tears to the surface, once again spilling down your cheeks. For so long you questioned whether you deserved kindness being shown to you. Here Natasha was- showing it to you unconditionally, despite you showing vulnerability. It was something that you wouldn’t think twice about if it was happening to someone else, you would never judge anyone for wearing their emotions on their sleeve. Yet when it came to yourself, you just felt like a burden. Like you were forcing your problems onto others by opening up.
“Hug please” you managed to sniffle out through the sobs that tore out of your throat. Despite everything, you desperately craved the care of another person, of Natasha. The moment she spoke, you felt your walls beginning to crumble.
I hope someday, somebody wants to hold you for twenty minutes straight. All they do it wrap you in in their arms and hold on tight without an ounce of selfishness to it.
“Of course, sweetheart.” There was a time when Natasha would have panicked seeing you like this, thinking that she wasn’t good enough to comfort you, when all she had ever brought other people her whole life was pain. Back when all she knew was suffering and manipulation. Now, Natasha didn’t waste a moment before taking you fully into her arms. She was under the duvet with you, pulling you up slightly in her hold so that your cheek could rest against her chest as she leant against the headboard. One hand wrapped around your waist and the other found the back of your head.
The new position and touch began to ground you, tethering you to reality and halting your ascent away from yourself. Once limp in her hold, you now clung onto her, fingers desperately digging into the fabric of the faded jumper she wore. Yet you were still struggling to calm down. Erratic, sharp breaths were all you could manage right now, and it felt as though you couldn’t get enough oxygen to fill your lungs.
Noticing this, Natasha slowed the pace of her own breathing down, finding a steady pace that you could follow.
“Breathe with me, baby.” She murmured against your head.
Inhale for three. Hold for three. Exhale for six.
She breathed, slow and purposeful. The mellow instruction easy for your cloudy brain to follow and the exaggerated breaths gave you something consistent to focus on. Something other than the complete hopelessness you had been feeling. Your head moved with the rise and fall of her chest, and you could feel the rush of air leaving her lungs against you.
Inhale for three. Hold for three. Exhale for six.
The hand resting on the back of your head began to stroke lovingly through your hair. Her hold on you never once faltered. As your breathing slowed, you felt your mind coming back to you. Sinking into her embrace, you allowed your muscles to relax, releasing some of the tension that you had been holding.
“You matter to me. So much.” Natasha whispered, maintaining the newfound serenity of the moment. The quiet after the storm. Reading you like an open book, she always knew the right thing to say. You squeezed her tighter in response, nuzzling your face into the comfort and safety that she always gave you, and always would give you, for as long as you might want it.
Things might not have been completely fixed, but they were a little better. And you knew that it would carry on getting better, if you had Natasha by your side.