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I don't deserve to be loved.
That's what he told himself whenever he visited his mother in prison.
I don't deserve to be loved.
This was the thought he had whenever he was bullied by his family, if you could call them that.
I don't deserve to be loved.
He thought to himself as he met the mocking, scornful gazes of his schoolmates.
I don't deserve to be loved.
This was the only thought in his head as he looked out of his classroom window. And then he jumped.
I don't deserve to be loved.
It was the thought that repeated itself whenever he found himself in a bad situation; failing his entrance exam, ending up on the military front lines, not having his work contract renewed.
It was fine. He could take it. After all, he had TWSA. He had Yoo Joonghyuk.
And then his whole world shifted.
But the thought never left him.
I don't deserve to be loved.
It echoed in his mind when Yoo Sangah thanked him for throwing the grasshoppers in her direction.
I don't deserve to be loved.
He reminded himself when Lee Hyunsung showed loyalty towards him.
I don't deserve to be loved.
He felt apologetic when Jung Heewon trusted and protected him despite his secrets.
I don't deserve to be loved.
He was overwhelmed with guilt whenever Lee Gilyoung or Shin Yoosung latched onto him for a hug.
I don't deserve to be loved.
Even after he had made up with his mother, the past continued to haunt him. His mother loved him but at this point nothing could be done.
I don't deserve to be loved.
He reminded himself as the constellations showed him their support. Even when Persephone and Hades had named him their son, he didn't forget this thought.
I don't deserve to be loved.
It was what he told himself so he wouldn't get too used to Han Sooyoung understanding his schemes and thoughts.
I… don't deserve to be loved.
He had never imagined he would become Life and Death companions with his favourite protagonist. Yet he did. His thoughts began to waver but they remained.
I don't deserve to be loved.
His mind cried out at his companions whenever they tried to save him, to stop him from sacrificing himself, to show him that they did love him, that he was important to them.
I don't deserve your pity!
He cried out at the Secretive Plotter and his companions of the 999th turn, who had all become outer gods, when they showed understanding instead of hatred to the Oldest Dream. To his unremarkable tragedy of a past when their pain had been much greater in his eyes.
I don't deserve your forgiveness!
He struggled in the grasp of his companions as he watched Yoo Joonghyuk, who's story had kept him alive, abandon his long standing resolve of ending the one who caused him eons of suffering and forgive him instead.
Stop! I don't deserve your love!
He couldn't stop the tears streaming down his face as he watched them embrace his younger, weaker self. He had caused them so much pain. How could they do this?
Actually...maybe...
A small, traitorous voice in his head made him falter.
I don't deserve it...
The thought he had so meticulously drilled in his head had slowly been eroding throughout his four year journey.
But…
I want to be loved.
He acknowledged this desire as he watched his companions leave him behind, unaware that the Kim Dokja who left with them was just an Avatar. 49% of himself.
He should've given them more of himself, but he couldn't give up the 2% of his memories to the Avatar. The 2% which contained TWSA and the most crucial essence of himself.
He would never see them again. The 51% that was left behind on the subway where it all began. But at least he wouldn't forget them.
Right?