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Hurt. That was all Dean wanted, to be hurt, he deserved it, the pain, the hatred, the anger. It was boiling up inside of him, and all he wanted was for someone -anyone-to tell him the truth. That it was all his fault. That the pain in other peoples lives was because of him. That he was a terrible protector.
But he knew you couldn’t just o around asking people to be mad at you. You couldn’t demand they see you as the villain, because that was crazy, and Dean wasn’t crazy… right?
So, instead, he tried something else, he decided to play on Castiel’s nerves, rile him up, annoy him (more than usual). He’d throw out cruel snarky comments, without the hint of sarcasm and jokiness in his voice that he usually possessed. He would be a dick, and maybe, just maybe that would make Castiel snap. Perhaps it would break something inside the angel and cause him to lash out and finally day the words Dean needed to hear, the words that would probably break his heart. Because Dean didn’t deserve love, he didn’t deserve kindness, it was his fate to be alone with no one to blame but himself.
However Cass, the damn perfect angel that he was didn’t fall for it. He didn’t flinch. He never got angry. Instead, would take all the cruel comments Dean threw at him with a shrug and move on with his day with an air of quiet forgiveness. Castiel loved him, Dean knew it Hell, he said it enough. But it didn’t make sense, not like this, he shouldn’t love him this much. He shouldn’t love him when he was mean and pushing away. Castiel should be angry, hurt, his wrath had to be buried deep somewhere.
It reached a pinnacle one Thursday. Cass had tried, once again, to sit with Dean while they watched a movie, and instead of the usual reluctant but tender arm that Dean reaches out around Castles back he walked off, muttering some shit about not being gay under his breath.
That was when Castiel snapped
"Dean Winchester come back this instant, or I swear I will smite you with all the power of Chuck that I can muster."
Dean froze, hearing the authority in Castiel’s voice, the anger that had been absent for so long.
“Finally” Dean muttered under his breath, relief flooding him for a second, as he knew he was finally going to get what he deserved.
"I’ve had enough of this Dean", Castiel said, his tone low and unwavering "This childish tantrum you’ve been throwing… it hurts and I’m not taking anymore."
Dean raised an eyebrow, his mouth tugging into a sharp grin as he replied in a snarky tone ‘What, you gonna punish me Cass."
"Actually, yes", Castiel simply states as he locked eyes with Dean
Dean couldn’t help it, a low laugh escaped him as he muttered "kinky" under his breath, before spreading his arms open and speaking in a tired tone "go on then Cass, hit me. Get angry. I don’t care"
Castiel paused, his look becoming more solemn and questioning, "’I'm not going to hurt you Dean… please, just sit down"
Dean felt a shiver run through him at the way Castiel's voice had changed, there was no anger anymore, instead just a deep sadness.
Reluctantly, Dean took a seat on the opposite side of the sofa, keeping his gaze fixed anywhere but on Casitel.
"Now Dean" Castiel began, his tone steady. "I’m going to sit here and talk, and you are going to listen. Do you understand."
Dean, caught somewhere between amusement and unease nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Sure, I’ll listen.”
Although Dean refused to look at Castiel, the angel's gaze upon him never wavered, as he continued to look at Dean with he same quiet intensity as the first time they met. “You Dean Winchester… are a kind, caring and beautiful man. You deserve love, just by being you.”
Dean’s breath hitched. A flush crept up his neck and onto his face, but it was quickly overshadowed by the immediate rush of disagreement he suddenly possessed. "That’s not true, Cass" he muttered looking down, shaking his head. "I’m not a good person. I’ve done terrible things. People get hurt because of me, I deserve to be alone.”
Castiel’s face softened, the pain in his eyes impossible to hide. “Dean…no. You are not a bad person. You’ve saved countless lives. You’ve fought for people, even when it meant putting yourself in the face of death. You have protected the ones you love since you were a child... You of all people deserve good things. You deserve happiness. You deserve love. You deserve to feel like you’re enough.”
Dean squeezed his eyes shut, he felt vulnerable and he hated it. He wanted to argue, to deny everything and fight against Castiel's words, but the ache in his chest made it hard to breathe. "You don’t get is Cass, I’m not good enough, I’m not. I keep screwing up. I can’t —.“ He stopped himself, his fists clenched in his lap, at the rawness of the situation. How was he meant to tell Castiel that everyone he loves dies, that his love for Cass would be the end of him.
Castiel leaned forward as he gently placed his hand on Deans leg. "Dean you don’t have to be perfect, you just have to be you. I love you because you’re imperfect. You are enough, you have and will always be enough"
Dean tried to croak out a response but words failed him as he softly shook his head.
"Dean… the care you have for people is beautiful, you need to stop blaming yourself for the hardships of others, every day you do all that you can to save people, and you’ve carried the guilt of not feeling good enough for all that time. You don’t have to carry it all alone anymore. I’m here, we can get through this together.”
Dean’s chest tightened and his breath hitched as he let out a shaky sob, the fight leaving him with each tear. He didn’t know what to say, or how to accept this. The love that Castiel had for him was pure and true.
Dean let himself sink into Castiel’s shoulder, his body relaxing for the first time in what felt like forever.
‘I’ve got you Dean. I’m not going anywhere.’