Chapter Text
"Table 4!" rang from the back of the cafe. Shuriken dashed to the counter, grabbing the tray of baked goods.
It was a late afternoon buzz, with teenagers still hanging out from their lunches and tired employees on their lunch breaks. Shuriken basked in the post-lunch-rush calm, his movements less jittery and rushed. Well, almost.
The entire day, a series of questions had been plaguing the young demon, burning desires he needed answered. Of course, he had a plan on how to get those answers, but he had to wait for a certain inphernal first...
And, as the gods would have it, that inphernal was present. Shuriken caught the lumbering figure in his peripherary as he cheerily greeted the customer at table 4. As soon as the good were dropped off, he swung his head to his target.
Katana. He was an older guy, silently brooding in a lone booth by himself. The waiter ran up to the elder, noting the lack of a menu.
"Heyyy, big guy," he said, leaning on the booth opposite the inphernal. "Have you ordered yet?"
The porcelain mask slowly churned to his direction, the large beast glowering down at the young adult. Long, wild hair cascaded from his mane and his claws raked the table.
"I have, yes."
Shuriken jumped up, snapping his fingers. "Awesome, alright, yeah. Got it!"
He slid down back to the counter, ignoring Slingshot's announcements to instead scan the trays on the counter. A stack of cookies, a couple puff pastries, an overly-complicated frappuccino... a-ha!
A single, small cup of a dark colored tea. Shuriken didn't bother checking with Sling; he snatched the small order and made his way back to Katana.
"Here ya go," Shuriken sang, sliding the cup in front of the old geezer. Then, he slid himself into the booth facing the customer. Katana, who had snaked his rugged fingers around the cup, paused at the motion.
"Okay, so, basically," Shuriken started, tapping the table with restless energy. "I need your help with something."
Katana didn't reply, but he lowered his drink. Which, to someone fluent in Katana, was as good as a thumbs up.
"Okay, okay okay, so, I got the big date tonight," he rambled, picking at his hair. "Boom said he was waiting to take me to this cool restaurant in the Lost Temple, and uh, I need to get him something. Y'know, something big. Something that'll wow his socks right off." He cast nervous eyes up to the unmoving mask.
"And why would I be off assistance to you?" the creature tilted his head, hair cascading down his shoulders.
"Well, you're married to Hyper, right?"
The beast scrunched in on himself. He held the cup of tea closer to his chest. "No, I am not."
This was not what Shuriken thought. "Oh. ... you sure?"
"I do not recall a ceremony, nor a proposal."
"Uh, okay," the ninja pivoted. He tapped his fingers on the table, coming up with a quick solution, "Just, uh- pretend you are married to Hyper. Just- just stay with me, here."
Katana stilled. Which didn't mean much, considering Katana always stilled. Stilling was, like, Katana's thing. "Alright."
"Okay," Shuriken leaned back in his seat. "So, you're married to Hyperlaser. What kind of gifts would you give him?"
His head tilted owlishly. "Well," he pondered, bringing a claw to tap on his mask. "If I am to be married to Hyperlaser, I would wish to adorn him with comfortable clothes and hobbies. The Thieves' Den is much warmer than Blackrock; I would want to keep his health in mind." "Okay, yeah, okay. But, like, what specifically?" Shuriken leaned towards the behemoth, resting his sneering face on his palms. "Like, if you were gonna go on a date with Hyper, what would you give him?" The other inphernal lifted a claw. "I-" "And no, like, Hyper-specific stuff. I want, like, general answers." A bit of a pause. "Do not interrupt me, child," Katana said.
"Oh-uh-yeah, right. Uh, sorry, continue."
He resumed raising his hand, making vague sweeping gestures. "Hyperlaser is a simple demon; I do not wish to overwhelm or scare him. A small, handheld gift would be preferrable. Something difficult to break. If my value of him is to be conveyed through a small object, I would want that object to resemble something that he would enjoy or find comfort in. Possibly gloves. I have given him gloves before, but I wondered if he has already worn them through. I haven't seen him wear them recently."
Shuriken tapped his lips with his two pointers pressed against each other in finger guns. "Mhm. Okay, something small and personal."
"Would Hyperlaser and I be sharing a bedroom?"
"...What? I dunno, not my... I dunno," he shrugged, caught off guard by the completely irrelevant question.
Katana placed his toughened hands on top of each other. "I would hope so," he answered his own question. "Personal space shared with another is important to building and maintaining a bond. If we are married, I would hope he is comfortable enough to be able to sleep next to me."
"Uh, okay. So, like, are you saying to make sure I'm, like, super-duper close to him?" What was this old bozo on about?
"How would our bed be positioned? I would hope we share a bed. I would wish to keep him close to me; protect him in his most vulnerable time."
Shuriken simply stared at the demon. What? What was he talking about. What did that have to do with anything?
"I don't think I'd be comfortable having the bed face the door, however. It is a bad omen for quick death. I hope that would not be a problem for him. It is a stance I have firm belief in."
"I don't know, dude! I don't care!" the poor waiter practically yelled, throwing his arms up in disbelief. This wasn't helping!!!
"Is there a problem?" sounded from behind the ninja, who craned his head to reveal Hyperlaser in the flesh. He wore his traditional trenchcoat, slightly opened to reveal the jumped underneath. He had his hands in his pockets and an unreadable expression forever muddled by that helmet of his.
"We are married, and Shuriken is coming to me to ask what gift to give to Boombox," he replied, craning his head down.
"We're married?" Hyper asked, settling down beside Katana and taking a pastry from a tray on the table. He seemed unbothered by the fact Katana had just announced their matrimony.
"According to Shuriken's hypothetical, yes."
"And why are we married?" he took his helmet off to take a bite.
"Shuriken is projecting his relationship problems unto us. We are to provide him with support."
"Wh-hey! I'm right here!" the young adult hissed. The two did not look at him. "And I'm trying to ask Katana what to get Boombox for tonight. I thought, y'know," he leaned on his palm, using his other hand to gesture vaguely to the two elders in front of him, "you and 'Tana were, like, a thing. Kinda banked this whole interview offa that."
"Alright." Hyperlaser leaned slightly further into his 'husband'. The other's well kept fur made for a soothing texture against the harsh scars of his face. Katana rubbed the mercenary's back with long, thoughtful fingers.
"Are you sure you two aren't married? Or, like, dating or something? Old demon dating?" he pointed an accusatory finger at the ranged phighter.
"I don't exactly remember a ceremony," he responded.
"Ugh, that's exactly what he said!" Shuriken groaned, throwing his head into his palms. "Okay, it's fine. This is fine. I've gotten a few ideas- we're cool"
"If we did have a ceremony, Hyperlaser, how would you expect it to go?" Katana pondered, totally derailing the conversation again.
The demon in question tilted his head, entertaining Katana's odd tangent instead of sharing Shuriken's frustration. "Hm. I would prefer something simple; relatively non-performative. However," he met Katana's mask with his visor, "it is important that your thoughts and feelings are considered as well. It would be your ceremony, too, dear friend."
The furry monster nodded. "Yes, I like the idea of a small wedding. Maybe a few invited guests. I would.... I would like it to take place in a garden."
"A garden?"
"Yes. The peaceful plant life of Thieves' Den had brought me much tranquility, and I wish to be surrounded by it during our wedding."
"Wh- hello?" Shuriken squeaked, waving a hand around.
"I can agree with that. I think the oranges and reds would make for nice scenery."
"Oranges and reds?" Katana repeated, holding his 'husband' close. He lowered his monstrous head to the other's level. "Do you wish for the ceremony to occur in the fall?"
Hyperlaser nodded wordlessly. Katana creaked his head to the other side.
"Would that not be a poor omen for the relationship? If our wedding is to be surrounded by dying life, it symbolizes a failed bond, no?"
Hyperlaser tapped the bottom of hi helmet, aiming it upwards. "Fall is my favorite season. It resembles the change in the world, the acknowledgement of the past good in the face of coming evil. The plants don't wilt, but rather change themselves to conserve their energy. Fall is the quiet calm before winter, a time of preparation and looking back on the bright summer memories."
Katana paused to admire his partner. "I have never thought of Fall with that description before. It is... enlightening."
"What is your favorite season?" Hyperlaser inquired
"Why are we talking about seasons? Hello? Is this thing on?"
"Spring," Katana answered curtly. "In my residence in the Thieves' Den, I am abundantly surrounded in the most vivid of plantlife. In the spring, the environment completely changes, shedding its winter coat in order to bloom with vibrant colors and the most pleasant of aromas. Have I ever taken you on a walk in the Village Square in the spring?"
Hyperlaser simply shook his head. "I would like to do that with you, marriage or not. I think you will find it to be quite relaxing."
"So would it be better if the wedding was in the spring?"
"That poses a conflict of interest," Katana pondered, bringing a hand up to rub at his mask. His other hand stayed planted firmly on the other's side. "It would be impossible to come to a compromise, as both seasons take place in the opposite time of year. I would be open to a discussion about it."
"Hi, my name's Shuriken. I'm 22 years old and being ghosted by two old farts."
"I feel as if the season the ceremony took place in wouldn't matter," Hyperlaser added. "I feel... ah, well, as long as I got to spend the day with you I'd be alright."
Katana stilled. "The feeling is mutual. You are very dear to me, friend."
When the beast lowered his head to bump masks with Hyperlaser, Shuriken threw his hands up in defeat. "Argh! Fine! Whatever, you two have fun on your honeymoon!" he scathed, shoving himself out of the booth and stomping back over to the counter. What a waste of a conversation.
"Get him some flowers. Everyone likes flowers," he heard. Shuriken snapped his head to the side, seeing Vinestaff by the cash register, head leaning in her hand and the bored-yet-amused face of someone who had witnessed the whole debacle Shuriken just had.
He paused, arms held out awkwardly. "Oh, right," he blanched. "Yeah. Okay. Thanks, Vinny."