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Miyeon was not surprised when she walked into the CUBE meeting room for negotiations only to be faced with an empty chair. Across from her, where Shuhua would usually sit.
Shuhua had already made her intentions to move on from this period of her life clear the night before over an emotional dinner and drinks.
Still, it wasn't all that easy to just pretend that the group had always been just four. From six to five...down now to four.
Except...
Miyeon turns her head to her right. She reaches for Minnie's hand that usually dangles just beyond her chair's armrest for Miyeon to hold, but Minnie isn't there. Probably running late, Miyeon muses to herself with a smile, Minnie always got sidetracked whenever they were supposed to meet anyway.
"We should probably start discussing what we want to see in our contract renewal conditions."
Soyeon breaks the silence, efficient as always. Yuqi, seated to Soyeon's right, nods along, opening her laptop.
"Minnie isn't here yet." Miyeon interjects confusedly, wondering why Soyeon and Yuqi were ready to start.
Why start without Minnie when they'd just have to rehash everything when Minnie eventually turned up?
Miyeon might as well have announced that she was a serial killer with the sudden silence swallowing the meeting room.
She shrinks back into her seat, feeling smaller than usual when Soyeon and Yuqi's eyes immediately lock on her. Soyeon's expression is composed, neutral, guarded as always. Yuqi tries her best to mimic their leader's unreadable expression, but Miyeon catches a flicker of emotion behind Yuqi's darting eyes: panic.
"What?" Miyeon spits out harsher than intended, eyes flicking between Soyeon and Yuqi, "What is it?"
No one moves. No one speaks. It just makes Miyeon feel sick to her stomach, like there's something she needs to know yet no one wants to say aloud.
"What?" Miyeon echoes more forcefully this time, lips pursed together as her gaze hardens.
Soyeon flinches just slightly, almost imperceptible, but she regains her composure within milliseconds. Yuqi is a lot easier to read, Miyeon's bluntness elicits a physical reaction: Yuqi tenses, shoulders rigid, eyes wide with that same panic she tried to hide earlier.
"If you have something to say, just spit it out. It's obvious you both know more than you're willing to let me in on."
"Minnie," Yuqi begins uneasily as Miyeon waits with bated breath. Yuqi swallows thickly, Miyeon can see how Yuqi gulps, inhaling sharply like she knows she's about to be grabbed by the hair and shoved face first into a tub of water. "Minnie isn't coming."
Miyeon's stomach is in knots within seconds. Minnie isn't coming? Minnie isn't coming. But...why?
She takes a deep breath, not wanting to jump to conclusions. Maybe Minnie's sick, Miyeon rolls her eyes inwardly, that's probably it. Minnie never dresses warmly, and never remembers to take her vitamins without Miyeon's nagging (Miyeon makes a mental note to schedule reminders on Minnie's phone about the vitamins, and to text Minnie updates on the weather forecast whenever a chilly spell is expected). Or maybe it's just some stupid prank concocted by Minnie and Yuqi? She can almost hear Minnie's laughter ringing in her ears — Oh, come on, princess! Did you seriously fall for Yuqi and I's prank? Where would I even go? Aish...you're always so gullible!
"Why isn't she coming?"
Miyeon croaks out, trying to keep her voice as steady as possible.
"Is she...ill? We could've always rescheduled the meeting if she was. Or is this some foolish prank? Aren't we too old for this? You two are so—"
"She isn't coming. Ever." Soyeon's words break something in Miyeon.
Silence. Miyeon feels her heart physically stop beating when the bomb drops. What?
Soyeon's words feel like a dagger straight through Miyeon's heart. She feels the way her heart withers in a split second, a bloody, lifeless lump. Anything she might've wanted to say dies in her throat, leaving a lump in her throat that she can't quite swallow, and can't quite speak with.
"Minnie isn't renewing her contract."
If Soyeon stabbed Miyeon's heart, Yuqi's explanation drove the dagger straight through, making sure to pierce Miyeon right where it hurts. Right where it would kill her.
Death pales in comparison to what Miyeon feels right now.
"I-I...I-I don't...w-what?" Fragmented speech is all Miyeon can manage now, reflecting the shattered state of her body and soul. Her chest hurts, she can feel it constricting as she finds herself gasping for air. She can barely breathe. "I-I...I-I don't...w-why?"
Why what, Miyeon doesn't really know what she wants to ask either. Or more like, she doesn't know what she doesn't want to ask.
Why would Minnie not renew? Where would she go now? Is it because of something...or someone?
But the one that hurts the most: Why wouldn't Minnie tell her?
Why do Soyeon and Yuqi both know, yet she's left in the dark?
She's Minnie's (self-proclaimed) best friend, Minnie's 동갑 친구. Minnie called her every single day whenever they were apart. They spent every day together, whether physically or over the phone. Minnie was always the first to wish her happy birthday. Minnie was always the first person whose arms she would fall into whenever the weight of the world was just simply too heavy to bear.
None of this made any sense.
"W-we didn't know...y-you didn't know," Yuqi fumbles awkwardly, averting her eyes from Miyeon's intense gaze, "w-we thought she would've told you too."
So did I, Miyeon wants to say but she can't even bring herself to breathe properly, let alone speak.
Miyeon remembered her first impression of Minnie clearly: how she'd started to wonder if there were two Minnies training at CUBE Entertainment, because the Minnie she was told to share a dorm with was nothing like the sweet, kind girl that Lisa had described. It wasn't like Lisa to lie to her either, so Miyeon was confused as to why she was met with such a cold, detached response when she introduced herself as Lisa's friend.
Meeting Minnie wasn't exactly unexpected.
Miyeon first heard of Minnie on a random walk along the Han River in the middle of the night with one of her closest friends back then. Her friend, Lisa, was someone she'd met when training under YG Entertainment. Miyeon had left the company, frustrated when she felt like she couldn't control her own destiny as factors aplenty beyond her control continuously delayed her supposedly promised debut. Thankfully, she remained friends with the girls she'd shared her blood, sweat and tears with.
"CUBE Entertainment, huh?" Lisa mused softly, hands in her pockets as the two teenagers walk along the river, enjoying a rare breath of fresh air. Cloaked by the shadows, they enjoyed a semblance of privacy they're otherwise not entitled to.
"Yeah," Miyeon giggled shyly, "it's got a pretty crap name but it's supposed to be a good company. I mean, BEAST and BTOB are from that company, you know?"
"Mhm," Lisa hummed in agreement, "plus I've got a friend training there."
"A friend? At CUBE?" Miyeon asked, curiosity piqued.
"Yup, she's Thai too. We meet up every now and then to eat and just...talk. I feel less lonely...less...like an alien. It's nice to get to speak in my native language and feel that natural connection, you know?"
"Is she nice?" Miyeon inquired curiously, wanting to know more about this mysterious friend Lisa had never mentioned before. "What's she like?"
"She's really nice, she's our age too," Lisa replied, shooting Miyeon a comforting smile, "she's in the debut lineup for CUBE's next girl group too, so you'll probably be training with her."
"What's her name?"
"Nicha. But she's going by Minnie in Korea."
However, she realised soon that Minnie was threatened. And she had every right to be. She was alone in a foreign country, fighting a bloodbath for her chance to debut, defying the odds to become a prime candidate for the position of main vocal...when her supposedly secure debut position essentially gets snatched from under her by someone who's naturally at an advantage just because she was born in Korea.
Despite all this, the unspoken competition between the two girls didn't deter Miyeon from forming a friendship with Minnie. What was even more impressive in. Miyeon's eyes was that even though Minnie was rather cold and distant, it wasn't like she'd left Miyeon to drown either. Minnie made sure Miyeon never ate alone, made sure that Miyeon was welcomed into the existing friendship between the other girls of the debuting girl group.
She never imagined that she'd be in this position now; abadoned by the one person she thought would never leave her side.
Somewhere along the way, something in the air shifted. Miyeon doesn't know exactly when it happened, but maybe she doesn't want to.
Touches lingered, words whispered to deaf ears were simply an excuse to get closer. Eyes darted down to lips, hands to waists.
Miyeon's not sure where the lines started blurring for her, but they definitely did.
Was it the casualness of Minnie's natural charismatic chivalry? The blankets thrown across her lap whenever she was at risk of exposing herself, the hand lingering on her waist whenever she lagged behind, staggering around in high heels.
Or was it that look that Minnie would get in her eyes? Miyeon might be seeing things, but Minnie had this way about her, where her eyes would soften and she would look at Miyeon like she held the world in the palm of her hand when they locked eyes.
Maybe it wasn't real, maybe it was all in Miyeon's head. But one thing's for certain: the feelings that blossomed in Miyeon's heart were most definitely real.
Somewhere along the way, she fell. She fell hard.
For someone she shouldn't love, not like that. Minnie's just a friend, Minnie's a girl.
Same-sex relationships aren't unfamiliar territory to Miyeon, Shuhua and Soyeon had both come out previously and she was accepting of it. Love is love after all, but Miyeon just couldn't envision herself in a same-sex relationship. Her parents have always been very conservative and traditional in their mindsets so Miyeon's never entertained the idea of possibly being attracted to someone of the same gender. Yet here she is now, staring at Minnie.
She remembered what it felt like to be tormented by her tsunami of emotions, constantly running from something that was inescapable, for it was already broiling within her.
Miyeon could never outrun her own heart. She was foolish to think she could.
But she would die trying.
Miyeon's sudden sexuality crisis caused her to act abnormally erratic around Minnie. Normal skinship suddenly turned her face beetroot red, looking at Minnie for too long made her feel lightheaded...she was done for.
"Princess?"
Miyeon snapped out of her dazed state, looking up to find Minnie looming over her. A bottle in hand, sweat matting her bangs, Minnie still looked perfect.
"H-huh?"
"I said, 'are you still on planet Earth, or do I have to get a spaceship license to bring you back down?'"
Miyeon smiled softly, accepting the bottle of water. Minnie twisted the cap open before passing the bottle to Miyeon, kneeling down in front of her, forearms resting on Miyeon's tucked knees.
"W-why are you...?" (So close, yet so far. Acting like you're mine when you can't be.)
"What?"
Minnie's voice is strong, bold, challenging, and Miyeon drank up every syllable. It's one of the many alluring things about the beautiful enigma that is Nicha Yontararak and Miyeon just wanted more, more, more.
"Why are you looking at me like that?"
Miyeon's voice took a stronger note as she met Minnie's questioning gaze, lips pursed together.
Minnie just shot her that stupidly handsome smile, that gorgeously charming, intoxicating lopsided grin that made Miyeon's stomach do a backflip.
"I've always looked at you this way, you're just never looking my way."
Miyeon felt like all the air was knocked straight out of her lungs, like a high school footballer getting the living daylights knocked out of her when tackled to the floor. Minnie might as well have physically slammed her against cold hard concrete with the way her heart stopped beating.
As if Miyeon's flustered expression was some coveted prize she'd been desperately aiming for, Minnie smirked, gripping Miyeon's face with her hand. Miyeon followed, mindless, helpless, as Minnie turned her head towards her, thumb ghosting over Miyeon's lower lip. Minnie didn't let up, not for a second. Her next words push Miyeon straight into her arms, knocking Minnie back first onto the linoleum flooring,
"Until now, hm, princess?"
She remembers the gut-wrenching, stomach-churning feeling of waking up in literal cold sweat. Her entire body jerked out of the unfamiliarly soft and small bed, only for her to regret it within milliseconds when every single muscle in her body protested the sudden movements. She groaned inwardly, looking around frantically, trying to make sense of the situation.
She gripped the sheets harshly, only to unclench her fists within seconds when she realised, these weren't her mattress covers.
She grabbed the blanket, nope, not her blanket either.
And that's when she noticed the weight holding the other end of the blanket down.
A long arm resting atop the plush blanket, dark hair spilling over the pillows.
Oh.
This is Minnie's bed.
A sudden gust from the air conditioning caused her to shudder, which then prompted her to come to the next horrific realisation: she was naked.
Stark naked. In Minnie's bed.
Oh my God.
Miyeon panicked, kicking the covers off as she rummaged around blindly for her clothes in the dark. She flailed around, desperate to cover up, feeling so, so exposed.
A hand closed around her wrist. Gentle, commanding, firm.
"Princess...slow down."
Even with her voice hoarse and groggy from sleep, Minnie's voice still made Miyeon hesitate. Her frantic groping stopped, eyes falling on Minnie's beautiful face. Eyes hooded with sleep, hand resting on her forehead as she looked up at Miyeon.
"I...w-we...w-we..."
"I know."
The hand around her wrist tightened, grounding. Miyeon looked down at Minnie's slender fingers wrapped around her wrist, then back up at Minnie's face, where her heart stops when she's greeted with the sight of Minnie watching her with so much adoration, so much love.
"I...w-we...w-why? W-what does this mean? Where do we go from here? H-how...?"
The last question died on her lips when Minnie sat up, cupping her cheek so tenderly before leaning in to kiss her.
Miyeon exhaled, a breath she didn't know she was holding escaping her quivering lips.
"I got you. Okay?"
Minnie's gentle touch caused her heart to stutter, Miyeon physically malfunctioning when Minnie's thumb grazes her cheek so softly.
"Okay?"
Minnie asked again, and again, until Miyeon was able to muster enough courage and stability to nod timidly.
Minnie smiled like everything was okay again, and Miyeon wanted to believe her so badly.
The hand around Miyeon's wrist slides down to her waist, Minnie's entire arm wrapped around Miyeon's naked waist now, coaxing Miyeon back down beside her.
"Stay."
Miyeon hesitated, she's never been good at this. She's always hesitant, always apprehensive, as if waiting for the bomb to drop.
But Minnie's not like that.
Minnie's arm around her waist coaxes Miyeon closer until Miyeon's head rests on Minnie's naked breast.
Miyeon placed her hand over Minnie's heart, where she can feel the rhythmic thumping.
"Stay."
Minnie repeats that one word over and over again, her hand rubbing soothing circles on the small of Miyeon's back.
All Miyeon could do was listen.
She remembers running.
Running.
Miyeon was never praised for her athletic abilities, but she was incredibly skilled at this kind of running.
Fleeing what was suffocating, escaping what was daunting.
Every time Minnie tried to bring up that night, Miyeon would either play dumb, or quickly evade the conversation. She knew it was unfair, she knew that she couldn't do this forever.
But she also knew that she didn't know where to go from here.
She'd never, not once in her life, felt a magnetic pull this strong. She's never wanted anyone more.
And it's fucking terrifying wanting someone so much that you lose all sense of rationality.
She can't. She can't lose her senses. She's an idol. She worked her ass off for years, since her elementary school years, sacrificed her youth, poured her blood, sweat and tears into this. And she'd finally made it.
She can't just throw it away for a girl.
Even if that girl is magical. Even if that girl is magnetic.
Even if that girl is Minnie.
She remembers running until her demons caught up with her.
Miyeon opened the door to her apartment unsuspectingly, assuming it was just Yuqi coming over for the karaoke session they'd agreed on, only to be greeted by Minnie.
Minnie, who was visibly seething with anger, but still holding a bouquet of dahlias in her hand.
Miyeon didn't say anything, she couldn't, not when Minnie dropped the bouquet and grabbed her face instead, kissing her like she needed Miyeon like she needed oxygen.
Miyeon staggered back, a whirlwind of emotions sending her stumbling away from a flushed, panting Minnie.
"Stop running from me."
Minnie's voice lacked its usual commanding, cocky air that Miyeon was so hopelessly hooked on. Minnie's characteristic smirk was absent too, replaced by an unforgettable look of desperation. Her eyes wide, pleading, her body shaking with the force of her emotions.
"Please. Please stop running from me. I can't...I can't keep up with you, princess...but I really want to. So please, slow down and let me."
Minnie's desperation was palpable, leaking into every sacred word that slipped past her wobbling lips. Minnie's hands trembled as she forced herself to keep speaking, and all Miyeon wanted to do was hold her. Tell her that it would be okay.
But she didn't. Because she'd be lying if she did.
And at the very least, she owed Minnie that.
"Miyeon..."
Minnie knelt down on the floor, picking up the slightly crushed bouquet that was still so beautiful in Miyeon's eyes. Minnie didn't move, remaining on her knees as she looked up at Miyeon, the bouquet now clasped between shaking hands.
"Tell me what you need from me...and I'll move mountains to get it done for you."
Miyeon swallowed deeply, her feelings sliding back down her throat with the sob that came so close to breaking.
"I need you to forget that ever happened. That we ever happened."
Miyeon couldn't even look Minnie in the eyes as she spoke, but she had to keep going.
She had to save both of them from something that was cursed from the start.
"W-what?"
"Because we never happened. W-we? Us? We're nothing, Minnie. It was...it was just...s-sex. Once. Because we were impulsive. Nothing more, nothing less."
The look on Minnie's face, from the second Miyeon dared to peek at her, was haunting. Miyeon knew she would never forget that look.
The utter betrayal written across Minnie's face, the genuine disbelief that morphed into unimaginable pain.
"What?"
"I said what I said."
"I heard you, but are you listening to yourself?"
Minnie got off her knees, staggering to her feet shakily as she walked towards Miyeon, each step deliberate and forceful. For every demanding step forward that Minnie took, Miyeon scampered back twice. Miyeon peddled backwards until Minnie had her backed up against the glass balcony door.
"Are you hearing the absolute bullshit you're trying to convince both me and yourself of?"
"Minnie..."
"You might not have looked at me the way I looked at you for as long as I have...but don't lie and act like you've been able to stop looking for me."
Miyeon went quiet. What could she say to such a bold-faced accusation?
What could she say when she was lying to not only the love of her life, but also herself?
"I see you. I see how your eyes find me whenever we're together, even when other people are around. Because my eyes find you too. Because I want to know what makes you laugh, what makes you sad...who makes you upset so I can defend you. I see how you reach for me before pulling away, because I curse myself every time I'm too slow to touch you before you can pull away. I see how you're fighting so hard to suppress what you obviously feel for me...because it's like looking in a goddamn mirror because I've been fighting these feelings for you for years, Cho Miyeon, but I don't want to fight them anymore. They're real, and I know you feel them too."
"I-I...I don't."
"You can't even look me in the damn eyes and say it."
Miyeon looked up then, challenging Minnie, only to find Minnie's eyes boring right back into her soul.
"Y-yes, I can."
Minnie scoffed, Miyeon still pinned between the taller girl's body and the glass door.
"Say it with your chest...and I'll leave you alone. Say it while looking in my eyes, and I'll believe you."
The words died in Miyeon's throat as she listened to Minnie speak so forcefully, so determinedly.
"Or take the leap with me. Open your heart to me...because I've already laid everything on the line for you."
And there it was, the little waver in her voice, the note of hesitation Miyeon picked up on within seconds because she's always known the exact cadence of Minnie's voice.
"Please don't choose the first option."
Minnie faked a watery laugh, and all Miyeon wanted to do was fall into her arms and cry.
She knew that her heart might never recover from this, but her head told her that this was the only thing she could do that would save them both.
With one last shaky swallow, Miyeon looked up, gaze cold and emotionless, meeting Minnie's glassy eyes.
"I don't have feelings for you." (The tip of the knife pressed against Minnie's bleeding heart.)
"I wish you would leave me alone forever. Never come back." (The knife twists. Minnie's blood on her hands as Miyeon reached in, ripping Minnie's heart straight out. Cold, swift, deliberate.)
Minnie made good of her promise.
She never lingered when she didn't have to, never orbited around Miyeon unless absolutely necessary.
Interactions were limited to strictly professional circumstances, and even then, only in front of cameras or in group settings.
Whenever Miyeon's eyes sought out Minnie, Minnie was never looking back.
She'd dug her own grave, and now she'd have to live with it.
Minnie might've sworn to stay away, but Miyeon's mind had other plans for her.
Every night, she would be tormented by the ghosts of her past.
Minnie's face when Miyeon first denied her feelings.
The look of hesitant hope in Minnie's eyes when Miyeon met her gaze before speaking.
The way that hope morphed into an ugly, bitter, resigned defeat when Miyeon sealed both their fates.
Even when Minnie avidly avoided Miyeon liked she swore she would, Miyeon couldn't shake the feeling that she was being haunted.
The universe must be getting a kick out of this, because Miyeon's life somehow manages to get even worse after that fateful meeting.
She got home, expression cold and stoic as she went through the motions of her nightly routine after she, Yuqi and Soyeon ended their meeting. She took a shower, did the laundry, tidied up her apartment before climbing into bed to wind down by journalling.
"Minnie."
Even now, Minnie's name tastes sour on her lips.
Minnie's name also never gets any easier to write, even though Miyeon's been writing it on a daily basis for the past two years.
"Dear Minnie..."
The introductions of her so-called journal entries (poorly disguised letters of longing) were always the easiest part to write.
She always got stuck after that.
Not today though. Because today, she feels like the ground beneath her feet's given way and she's falling.
Freefalling.
"You left."
Miyeon chuckled morosely as she dotted the end stop extra forcefully. There's something so finite about the simple sentence staring back at her, two words that somehow made her want to tear her hair out.
Isn't this what she wanted? She asked Minnie to do this.
"I thought I wanted this. I thought that I would be happier to hear that you left, that you went back to Thailand with no intention to come back."
Miyeon laughed quietly under her breath, she knew she was lying to herself from the start.
"Soyeon said you were going to pursue a solo career in Thailand. Yuqi joked that if I ever wanted to know what you were doing, I could take a flight to Bangkok in the future and I'd see your face all over the billboards there."
Miyeon's hand stills momentarily before she continues.
"I don't know how to tell her that I see your face in everyone I meet anyway. That I see you everywhere, even with my eyes closed."
The words on the paper start dancing, taunting Miyeon as she powers through.
"I did this to myself. And I did this to you too. I just wanted to run. You never let me. So I had to break free somehow."
She swallows, quiet.
"I shouldn't have. But I also know that if I could go back in time, I probably would still make the same mistake. I love my career. I love you. But these are loves that cannot coexist. Not in the world we live in."
Her mind briefly entertains the alternative ending, what if she'd listened to her heart and given Minnie the answer she wanted to hear?
But the pragmatic side of her reminds her that, cruel as it was, she made this choice for a reason.
"I know I asked you to leave me alone, but I'm starting to really let it sink in that you might never. Because even when you left without saying goodbye, it's like you never did. I think I might never be at peace."
Her hand closes around the pen tighter.
"But I accept this sentence for what I did to you. I know what I did will forever put a tarnish on your memories of what should've been the best years of your life. It's only fair that I be haunted forever too."
She closes her eyes and within seconds, like clockwork, an image of Minnie appears in her mind.
Smiling, then crying. Laughing, then screaming.
She opens her eyes.
"I hope that even if I never find peace, that you find someone who deserves you. Someone who can love you loudly and proudly, because you deserve that. I think I might be haunted by the knowledge that that could've been me if I was braver for the rest of my life. But you deserve better than someone who can't be what you deserve. I hope that Thailand brings you a peace and tranquility that Korea couldn't. That I couldn't.
Please keep haunting me.
Miyeon"