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Where do I belong?
Tell me your story and I'll tell you mine
I'm all ears, take your time, we got all night
Show me the rivers crossed, the mountains scaled
Show me who made you walk all the way here
Settle down, put your bags down
(Ooh) You're alright now
Catalina had not exactly been surprised. She knew her husband had liked his women younger – you just had to look at Anne Boleyn to have the proof. And all the others too. Just because he had three historically confirmed mistresses, it doesn’t mean he only had three.
And yes. It had been humiliating, but at the end of the day, she had her daughter, she had the respect of her people – if not that of her husband–, she had the power to do some good. She could put up with his wandering eyes, and hands, and everything else, because she knew she would keep what really mattered to her.
Until Anne Boleyn, who arrived and took away everything she cared about when she took her husband.
Anne had been a decade younger than him; Jane almost twenty years younger; Anna more than twenty...
Once Catalina had gotten over the shock of him having married another four times after Boleyn – she supposes that once he found out he could, he saw no reasons to stop –, she had not been surprised to learn that all his wives were younger than him.
But not that young. Younger than his own daughter.
Guess she had once again overestimated him.
The shock had transformed into rage once she had met the fifth wife, the abstract idea taking shape in front of her in the form of sixteen-year-old Katherine Howard.
While they had agreed quickly to share a house, it took time for them to settle into a relationship, to strike the right balance. But through trials and errors, Catalina had managed to figure out where the line was between caring for Kat and stifling her, between the attentions that Kat appreciated and those that she didn’t because they made her feel like she was being treated like a child.
Catalina is in no way forgetting or replacing Mary, but she somehow thinks that she has been granted a second chance to get to see a daughter growing up, almost picking up from where she had left with her first one.
She knew, rationally, that there was a good possibility that the other wives were back too. Why bring back the first and the fifth one but not the others? But after years of being just the two of them, she had naively thought she was either wrong or that this time around she would be spared...
Only for her hopes to be dashed.
The moment they had shown up, she knew it was going to happen again. She was going to lose her family, her heart, to Anne-bloody-Boleyn. And this time, Jane Seymour was on Boleyn’s side, helping her to draw Kat away with the excuse of cousins’ bonding time.
Catalina knew it was only a matter of time. So she prepared herself. She would act dignified and would let Kat go, without scenes, without making her feel guilty, because all she wants is for her to be happy, even if it breaks her heart.
1.
Catalina looks at her watch for what it feels like the 50th time...and it’s probably the 10th in the last 15 minutes.
Kat is late.
Well, perhaps not necessarily truly late, but late by her standards.
Kat came back with anxiety – not diagnosed, but it’s not hard to see – and they had found that one of the ways that helped her to cope with it is planning. Knowing in advance what to do, when, how. And she always factors in some leeway, so that if anything happens, she would still not be late.
Which might be the case. Maybe there is traffic. Maybe she is stuck somewhere.
Or maybe she simply decided that she preferred to spend time with Anne.
The plan was that Kat would come home, and they would go to the theatre together.
It is a show that Catalina wants to see, and Kat had agreed to accompany her, claiming that it was only fair since usually the older woman goes to see whatever Kat likes.
But that was before Anne had invited her to spend the afternoon together. Kat isn’t even that interested in seeing the show anyway. Of course, she would prefer to spend time with her cousin.
Her spiralling thoughts are broken by the ringing of a phone.
‘Hello?’
‘Hi, listen, I’m very sorry,’ her heart plummets, ‘but I can’t make it home.’
‘Oh,’ Catalina swallows hard, ‘don’t worry.’
‘I know I promised, and we had a plan, but–’
‘No, no, I get it,’ she hopes her voice isn’t trembling too much.
‘Everything okay?’
She opts for a hum. Less chances Kat will notice she is upset.
‘Must be a weak connection,’ Kat mutters, ‘listen, just, I’ll see you at the theatre, alright?’
‘What?’
‘Can you hear me?’
‘Yes,’ Catalina stutters out.
‘Good. I said that I’ll see you at the theatre,’ Kat repeats. ‘I’ll keep you updated anyway.’
‘Are we still going?’
‘What? Of course we are! Even if I have to walk there. Which might take less time anyway, considering we’ve been stuck here for the last hour,’ Kat grumbles. ‘I might be a sweaty mess though...hope you don’t mind. I did have plans to come home and change–’
‘Would you like me to bring you some wet wipes and a shirt?’
‘You’re a godsend. Okay. I’m seeing some staff, I’m going to ask what’s going on. See you later.’
‘Kat!’
‘Yes?’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too.’
2.
Catalina doesn’t want to say that she was too busy wallowing in self-pity to hear the front door opening, but she startles when a voice reaches her.
‘What’s going on?’
She brings a hand to her chest, as if it could calm down her racing heart. ‘What?’
‘Why aren’t you ready?’ Kat asks, walking up to her. ‘Are you ill?’ She lays a hand on Catalina’s forehead.
‘What? No! Why?’ the older woman pulls her head away slightly.
‘Let’s see...you’re in your pyjamas, on the couch,’ Kat starts enumerating, ‘eating chocolate buttons...or planning to,’ she picks up the closed bag, ‘which is what you do when you don’t feel well... when we are supposed to go out to eat before the concert.’
Catalina merely stares at her.
‘Did you forget about it?’
She doesn’t want to tell her that she thought that Kat herself had forgotten about it, or, worse, had purposely chosen to...well, ignore the fact that they were supposed to go together. She had not mentioned it, not once, all week, and she had left that morning telling her she was going to have lunch with Anne, but not a hint that she remembered they had plans too. Not asking for a confirmation of said plans, not a reminder.
As hours passed and not even a text was received, doubts had started to seep in. What if she had asked Anne to go with her? She did mention how they seem to have similar tastes in many things. What if Anne had told her that she was a fan and Kat had offered her the ticket that was supposed to be Catalina’s? She wouldn’t put it past Anne Boleyn to act as if their music is her favourite when it is not – just as it is not Catalina’s – just to steal her place.
‘Unless you don’t want to come anymor–’
‘No! No!’ Catalina sits up straighter on the couch, her back tingling a bit. How long had she been slouching? ‘I do want to come.’
‘Then, come on! Get ready!’ Kat offers her a hand, pulling her up. ‘If you hurry, we will still make it in time for the reservation.’
‘Reservation?’ She had thought they would just grab a bite somewhere near the venue.
‘It was supposed to be a surprise, but...’ Kat squeezes the hand she is still holding. ‘You’re always taking care of me, and I really appreciate it.’
‘I do it because I want to.’
‘And I really want to treat you.’
3.
‘So...’ Kat starts.
‘Yes?’ Catalina peers at her from over the computer screen, eyebrow raised.
‘Anne and Jane asked me if I want to go to the beach with them tomorrow.’
Catalina stares at the screen in front of her, closing the open windows. She had been looking at things they could do together but now she is glad that she had not suggested anything. At least she can pretend that Kat is going because she has nothing else to do, and not because she prefers to spend the day with her cousins rather than with her.
‘You’re an adult, Kat. You don’t need my permission, you know that.’ She is quite proud of the absence of bitterness in her voice.
‘It’s not that.’
‘If you don’t want to go, just tell them so. Do you want help to come up with an excuse?’ She tries to tamper down the hope blooming in her chest.
‘It’s not that.’
‘Then what that is?’
‘Do you want to come with us?’
That was the last thing she expected.
‘I know you don’t really like Anne,’
Not like they had spent a lot of time together; Catalina had made sure of that. Because she can be civil to her for Kat’s sake, and she can even admit that it was not completely her fault. Or that she is even more charming than she was in their past lives, and she can see why Kat is fond of her. But that still doesn’t mean that she forgot what she put her through, and even less that she likes her.
‘–but I would be there too. And you said you miss the sea...’
‘I wouldn’t want to intrude...’
‘Intrude?’ Kat snorts. ‘Intrude on what?’
‘Family day out?’
‘You’re my family too.’
4.
‘Hey, Kat, have you seen this?’ Anne hands her cousin her phone.
‘Nice,’ she nods reading.
‘Do you fancy going?’ Anne asks once she has her phone back. ‘Perhaps on Tuesday? So that there is not too much crowd?’
‘Yes! That would be– wait. What day...’ Kat takes out her own phone. ‘Drat.’
‘What?’
‘Lina,’ Kat calls. ‘Is it next Tuesday that we have plans? Or the one after?’
Catalina turns around to look at the cousins. As she squints against the glare of the sun, she hopes it will help selling her confusion. It’s not like she was eavesdropping. They are talking on the towel next to hers. But even if she had been, at least it gave her time to brace herself. Maybe she can tell them she is going for a walk. Or a swim. So that she doesn’t have to listen to them planning whatever thing they are going to do together on the day Kat was supposed to spend with her.
‘Next one.’
‘Perhaps we could do another day?’
Catalina looks down. It doesn’t hurt any less just because she was expecting it.
‘I can do any other day...I think. Right, Lina?’
‘Uhm?’ Now she is genuinely lost, unsure of what she is being asked, exactly.
‘Tuesday is the only day next week we already have plans for, right?’
‘Yes?’
Kat smiles at her and then turns to her cousin. ‘What does the rest of your week look like?
5.
The more shops fill up with red and pink, with flowers and chocolate and hearts, the more Catalina fills up with dread.
And it has nothing to do with being single on a day that celebrates couples.
Rather it has everything to do with the inexorable approach of the most painful day of the year. Yes, even more painful than her own death day. Or any other anniversary related to her previous life. Because she can deal with sadness, and hurt, and everything else that comes along with those days. She has plenty of practice and experience.
But she loathes having to watch Kat suffer and being powerless to do anything to help. And not for lack of trying. Because despite Kat always telling her that she does help...she knows it’s not true. She knows that, at best, the results of her efforts are risible.
It doesn’t mean she will stop trying to at least alleviate a bit of her pain.
But as she walks home with provisions, proven ones and new things to try, ready to face a sleepless night and a restless day by Kat’s side, she remembers that Kat had not been home in the last couple of days.
Her cousin had been dragging her around in an effort to distract her...and Catalina will never fault anyone for trying to support Kat.
And she would understand if Kat had decided to spend her death day with Anne rather than with her like they have been doing the previous years. After all, Anne knows better than anyone else what she went through. She probably knows how to deal with everything that comes with it better than anyone else too.
But would she know how to deal with Kat? What Kat needs? What she likes? Should she get in touch and tell her? The last thing she wants is to make the day harder for Kat just because she is jealous.
What if Anne doesn’t know to turn up the heat in the house? What if she doesn’t know not to complain, no matter how jokingly, about being hot, if Kat wants to cuddle and wraps both of them in the heaviest, warmest, blanket she can find? What if she doesn’t know to make her hot milk and hot soup and hot tea and hot chocolate, and basically anything hot that can be drunk because it’s easy on her throat and she hates everything that reminds her that cold exist?
What if she can’t interpret correctly Kat’s wishes when she goes nonverbal? What if she can’t read Kat’s body language and thinks she wants a hug when instead any touch will send her spiralling? What if–
‘Kat?’
‘Hi,’ the girl whispers with a strained smile.
‘I wasn’t expecting to see you.’
‘I had Anne drop me off earlier than planned.’ Kat shifts on her feet. ‘I just...wanted to be home.’
‘I got a new hot chocolate mix,’ Catalina tries to distract her. ‘Want to try it out?’
‘Before dinner?’
A bit lacklustre but she will happily take the teasing. ‘I'm a wild one, what can I say?’ Catalina lays it on thick, but she is rewarded with a shaky laugh.
Satisfied, she starts to walk towards the kitchen, before stopping in front of the thermostat and pressing the up button various times.
Her arm is still up when she feels a weight on her shoulder, Kat laying her forehead on it. ‘I love you.’
Catalina leans her cheek against her head. ‘I love you too.’
&1.
I chose you
You chose me
We're alright now
Catalina wonders if everyone can hear her deep breaths. They sound loud in her ears, too loud, even in the noisy waiting room. She is making a concerted effort to breathe slowly and deeply, because the last thing she wants is to pass out while waiting for news.
She stares at her hands, clasped in her lap. The grip is tight, to stop the fidgeting.
She knows it’s not a dangerous operation. She has done her research and there are more probabilities of dying struck by lightning than during such a procedure.
It doesn’t stop her from being scared witless.
‘Family of Katherine Howard?’
She jumps to her feet.
She feels the doctor’s eyes assessing her, and Catalina swears to God that if he makes a comment about them not looking alike...
‘Catalina Trastamara?’
‘Yes.’
He smiles at her. ‘Miss Howard said she lives with you and will spend her convalescence at home?’
‘Yes.’ Catalina nods. ‘How is she?’
‘She...’ he trails off, looking past her shoulders.
Right. She had forgotten Kat’s cousins were also waiting with her.
‘It’s alright. They are family too.’
Giving a nod, he leads them to a more secluded area and proceeds to update them.
‘So, she is fine,’ Catalina repeats, seeking reassurance, just as Jane asks, ‘Can we see her?’
‘The operation was successful, and she is fine,’ the doctor confirms, ‘and asking for you,’ he tells Catalina. ‘Just one at a time,’ he sends an apologetic look towards the other two women. ‘I will show you her room.’
Catalina moves to follow him, before stopping in her tracks, and turning to look back at Anne and Jane.
‘Please do tell her we’re here for her too, but you heard the doctor, she asked for you.’ Catalina wonders if her feelings had been obvious as Anne sends her an understanding smile. ‘She chose you.’
We don't need to be related to relate
We don't need to share genes or a surname
You are, you are
My chosen, chosen family
So what if we don't look the same?
We been going through the same thing
Yeah, you are, you are
My chosen, chosen family