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In the night before their round, Ivan looked at Till once more. Perhaps that was the last time that he would be able to watch his peaceful sleeping face.
“These emerald eyes… They will never be mine.”
While Till was in his slumber world, Ivan was admiring his own sea of stars. He knew that he would never reach it. And yet, he was still willing to try. He was so close and, at the same time, so distant, almost as if none of it was even real. Till was the riddle that Ivan would never solve. At least, not while he was still alive.
Almost as if he was already dying, he attempted to confess his love for the sleeper.
“Would you share your heart with me too?”
He softly patted his head while saying those sweet words. It might have been a simple act of love, but it took everything for him to admit what was fated to be lost. In that sleepless night, he was the bravest soul living in that garden.
He looked at him one more time. This time, he was smiling. He would protect the one he loved. His so-called shallow emotions would serve as a veil to protect Till from his imminent death.
At first, Ivan didn’t think that he would go through this. He knew it was wrong and that there was no logic behind it. No matter how many times he ruminated it, it wouldn't make sense. It was wrong. Selfish. There was no reason for it. And yet, he was sentenced to be a human.
Throughout his whole life, Till had given hope to Ivan in his own chaotic way. If Till was his north star, the strength that would never go astray, this whole time, then Ivan would take the opportunity to do the same. Whether he wanted it or not, Ivan would be the one to brighten his future from now on.
For your existence to be possible, the price still needed to be paid. An object still needed to be retrieved.
There was a strange object that wasn’t supposed to be seen. It was not even supposed to exist. A mirror was found at the back of Ivan’s mind; it was being kept safe for the sacred day. The mirror that Ivan hid was his own false sky full of sorrow and regrets. And tomorrow, he decided that he would break it.
All the shame would be put to rest. The love would be lost and found. The hope that was stolen without ill intentions would grow into his heart. The mirror would tell you the truth. The broken glass would tear you apart.
Meanwhile, Till was lost in his dreams. He was trying to find some sort of comfort where nobody would be able to know what he was hiding. Not even he knew. But, perhaps, it was better this way. The comfort of the unknown was what kept him safe and alive.
In his own little world, he knew that Mizi would never reciprocate his feelings, but to be able to dance in the middle of the rejection was a gift that Till wasn’t allowing himself to lose. It was the sweet pain of incompleteness that accepted him and moved his life.
He found solace in his own sadness. But there was still one piece that was bothering him. It was Ivan. He couldn’t put into words what it was different about this guy. He hated him. But he also loved him. What a relief it was to confess his own messy feelings in this imaginary world.
Was it alright? Would anyone witness it? Would I know the secret contents of my consciousness? He couldn’t help but ask the abyss. Till didn’t feel alone. Someone was near him. Someone was reading his inner thoughts and that frightened him.
His mind was wandering. He thought about food. He thought about his upcoming round. He thought about Ivan. He thought about his sketchbook. He thought about Ivan. Mizi. Ivan. Ivan. Ivan. Was Mizi alright? Ivan. Mizi! He couldn’t help but wonder if she was safe. They were still looking for her. Till would know from his owner. Till hoped that she was safe. Even if she was in love with Sua, Mizi was still the most important person. The monologue was abruptly stopped. His name was read again. He started running. Being trapped in this world wasn’t easy. Dreams could easily become nightmares. The more he thought about Mizi, the more the person that he was avoiding would show up in front of him.
Till couldn’t bring himself to understand why anyone would love him, so it was easier to assume that hate was a magnetic force that would draw people to him. In that very moment, he was sure that that was the reason. Logic and denial started to intertwine. Who would love such a troublesome person? Why would you? You shouldn’t. Why would I? I mustn’t. I can’t. Do not. Do it. Get out of my head. The letters, the phrases and even the writer were politely asked to leave this place. His dreams finally became the source of his nightmare.
Lost, alone and without any directions, Till was wandering through his own world. His thoughts couldn’t be translated into words anymore. His emotions were real, but they also were not. The audience could only watch from a distance so his solitude wouldn’t be disturbed. It was pitiful.
Before waking up, he found a note in the final route out of his subconsciousness. It was a message carrying the contents of his life that were not meant to be seen.
Ivan knew. Mizi knew. Even Sua knew.
Did Till know?
That question was what would make him open his eyes and travel to the world of the awakened once again. It would be what would make him search for his surroundings looking for someone.
Someone who was nowhere to be found.
Shards of broken glass were the only thing that existed. They were on the floor. On the ceiling. On the walls. This strange world was filled with everything that should have just stayed in the darkness. Was Till still dreaming? Or was reality just as bad as his dreams? He was committed to not know but that was a luxury that he could not afford anymore.
In the realm of living, Till was powerless. Denial would not be accepted. He was forced to know and to look at the remains of the mirror over and over. Not being able to control his own life was driving him crazy. To be consumed by the contents of the mirror or to be consumed by the contents of his darkness. What to choose. What to know. Before even having a chance to decide, he started diving again.
Swimming was easier for Till. He wasn’t used to being carried away by an external force, but the ocean understood him. Everything was moving and everything was still. Just like his heart.
It was peaceful, until it was not. The mirror would find him again. The waves would eat him alive. He didn’t have what it takes to stop it, so he did not resist. Those crystal-clear waters carried with them an energy that he never wanted to face directly. The unknown who was once comfortable, now it was terrifying. But Till wasn’t dumb. He knew that mysterious being had a name and a form.
All at once, everything crashed.
Ivan didn’t realize it, but it wasn’t a mirror. What Till was bound to discover was his heart. That cursed object, which had haunted the lost soul throughout his life, returned to its original form and was finally touched by the one who was loved. He still couldn’t fully understand what he was feeling at that moment, but perhaps, just touching that fragile heart, while letting the ocean carry his life, was enough.
Years later, words that were travelling the world finally reached their final destination. They were found by someone with gentle green eyes. An old notebook was the key for this man to finally accept his own suffering.
“It is here, until it is not.
But do not worry.
The love that will disappear will never be lost. It will always find a way towards you.”
Tears were the only thing that flowed down that stranger’s face. His voice wouldn’t come out. It was a treasure that he gave to the one who loved. His rebellious nature still persisted, so once again, he confronted the forces that would keep him restrained.
Was it words or lyrics? It didn't matter. The universe heard and accepted them. He allowed you to listen.
“…Ivan.
Thank you.”
One, who was not willing to love.
The other, who was not willing to be loved.
And yet, they did. In their own messy, tender way. They showed their love for each other in a way that even they couldn’t understand.
It was reciprocated and it was not.
There was still a missing page that would eventually be found. We will wait, just as he did.
He will keep picking up the pieces of the broken mirror that were left behind.