Work Text:
“Truth or dare, Tinnasit?” Perhaps the alcohol coursing through my veins made me braver than I had been all night. Or perhaps it was the nonstop eye rolls and boos when I did yet another dare. Everyone had questions, confessions to get out of me.
Finally, I let them.
“Truth.” Squeals of excitement and numbers about what everyone most wanted to know erupted around me.
“Quiet! I knew what to ask him.” Ohm locked eyes with me. A devilish smirk on his face. “Who in this room do you want to hookup with?” There were a few people who glanced at me with hopeful eyes and a chorus of “ooo’s.”
My head was swaying along with my thoughts, I looked around the room at each face. Some were beautiful, handsome, some captivating, and some outright stunning. Yet, I didn’t feel that spark?
I can only say I’ve felt that urge people call lust or desire for someone once. The rest of the time it was always fuzzy. Like a static tv.
“I…” I felt like everyone was holding their breaths. Each on the edge of their seat to hear my answer. Everything felt wrong. Wrong with me.
“Code!” My head snapped up at the unexpected familiar voice. Jeff was jogging towards me with a huge smile plastered on his face. “Phi!” The honorific barely left my mouth before I was being pulled into a bone crushing hug.
Taking it as a challenge I squeezed tightly back, receiving a painful groan in response. “I thought you would be in class! I was going to be here when you got back as a surprise." Still smiling, he flicked his long hair out of his face.
I stared at the man who was one of the most important people in my life and felt a tightness in my throat. I wanted to reach out and ask for his insight. Yet, I felt terrified of him confirming how broken I really am.
“Barcode?” Jeff smiled faltered, his expression turned to concern. “Sorry, I’m all over the place today. That’s why I’m so late leaving for class.”
I tried to give a convincing “I’m fine,” smile. However, the older man's gaze only grew more intense. I tried to will my feet to move, my mouth to tell him I'm okay, to make my eyes hold his gaze, to do anything to not break over this.
Instead my gaze dropped, tears started to fill my eyes, and instinctively my hands reached out to him. He pulled me back into his arms for another hug, comforting me wordlessly.
I felt his palms rub circles on my back in a pattern. Six clockwise, six counter clockwise, and repeat.
Those palms had rough patches from playing the guitar, the same ones I carried on my own palms.
I traced those calluses on my palm with the fingers on my right hand. Once again, Jeff yanked me out of my thoughts, nudging a mug for me to take.
“Drink, it’s coco.” He said softly as he sat across from me on the couch. “It’s not Christmas you know?” I laughed a little. Jeff wrinkled his nose and a smile tugged at the corner of his mouth. “Who says you can only drink chocolatey milky goodness on Christmas?”
I looked away taking a sip from my mug. “Even if there was a rule on coco, it’s not like you would follow it. You always do whatever you want.” Jeff seemed to hesitate a moment before he spoke again. “Not everything.” I looked at him feeling a twinge of guilt in my stomach. Remembering the pressures he felt to perform at being the “right kind of man” in his early career.
“Do you wanna tell me what's wrong?” He swiftly moved on from the subject and I thought best to let it happen. If he wanted to talk about it, he would.
“Technically, me, I guess.” I didn’t want to see his face, know what his first reaction was, but I did regardless. I couldn’t help it, I needed to know what he thought of me. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Confusion? Check. Curiosity? Check. A flicker of anger? Definitely check.
“You know I’m gay.” Jeff nodded silently waiting for more information. “You know it took me a long time to figure that out, with those bipolar meds messing me up for so long.” His lips pressed together either in contempt or concentration. It was hard to tell which.
“Well I’ve been off them for years now, almost two. But, I’ve only felt the feelings once.” I added hand quotes to get my point across. “Maybe you’re just fully rebooted.” Jeff attempted to add some lightheartedness to the situation, but it was a useless attempt with this knot in my stomach.
“It’s not that, Phi. I’ve been feeling romantic attraction for a while now again. But, sexual only once. I think I might be really broken.” He shook his head too fast, like it was impossible for him to conceive I could be broken. “There’s nothing broken about you, Code.”
Jeff reached across from his spot on the couch sliding to the edge of his seat as he did. I leaned forward my arms longer than his, had an easier time stretching from my spot in the chair. We locked hands, my tears I had unconsciously wiped away a few tears with, still had the wet spots across the skin.
I felt an almost comical side thought for the moment. Imagining how amazing a photograph this would be. The right angle, maybe some coloring edits after. It would be beautiful.
“You only just got off those meds two years ago. Nothing is all healed at once, Barcode. Plus, your doctor did say that stopping SSRI’s would have side effects that could take a long time to fade away. Especially, since you were misdiagnosed, those meds were never made to work for you.”
I squeezed his hands tighter, the feeling of my tears falling onto my forearms. I tried to open my mouth wanting to protest or scream about the unfairness of it all. Being zombied out, robbed of your natural attractions for years all because a doctor didn’t try to figure out what was wrong with you. Slapping a quick diagnosis of bipolar on you when it was ADHD all along. Now I have to be the one to live with the consequences of someone else's mistakes.
“What if it’s not that though? What if I just don’t feel sexual attraction normally? What if I’m not normal, P’Jeff?” There it was. The core of my fear.
Letting it be said outloud felt like a weight was removed from my chest and now hung over my head like a cloud. Robbing me of all my oxygen and strength to keep my eyes open.
“Then you’re asexual or somewhere on the spectrum. You’re still not broken, you’re wonderful.”
I felt a hand come up to cradle my cheek and Jeff’s thumb wipe away a tear still sliding down my face. “I’m abnormal.” I opened my eyes, the older man was crouched down in front of me. He looked up at me with his own tears streaking his face. “You’re you and that’s perfect.”
His words hit me hard. It felt overwhelming to be seen so fully and still thought of as perfect. I looked around, unable to take the intense emotion of the moment any longer. I spotted the forgotten mug of coco on the coffee table.
“Guess, I’m like coco during the summer then? Not meant to be this way, but still pretty good.” Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Jeff follow my gaze. He then picked up my mug, sipping a long slow sip out of it.
“Ahh.” He let out a satisfied noise, a chocolate streak on his upper lip. “It’s just like you.” He gave me one of those genuine smiles, trying to convey the weight of his words without explaining them.
“Delicious?” He laughed before I fully got the word out my mouth, Jeff’s laughter following after mine.
“Yeah, very tasty.” We let our laughter settle down slowly, eyes crinkled as we stared at each other. “Also, something I love… to have all the time even if other people only indulge in it during the holidays.”
I rolled my eyes and his less than sure dramatic pause. Tossing a Happy Ending prototype throw pillow at him, he caught it sticking out his tongue childishly at me. “Just say you love me! We both know you do.” He still held the pillow, raising a single eyebrow at my statement. “Yeah I definitely love you, but I’m pretty sure only one of us here knows that.” I wanted to ask what he meant, but he threw the pillow back at me again harder.
A challenge I refused to ignore. I’m only the bigger person physically between the two of us after all.