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Josh woke up to the bright strip of sunlight hitting his eyes and the air conditioner’s soft whir.
Lying on his side, he flexed his shoulders as he turned on his back. A thought that came to him was, his ceiling never looked so drab. Wouldn’t it have been better if there was a gaping hole in it from a meteor that fell from the sky, or maybe a huge flood that would’ve drowned everything else, all for this morning to never come?
But alas, the world has never loved him. This was another proof of that glaring fact.
Josh heaved a sigh as he turned to his other side, careful not to disturb the sweet slumber of the man beside him.
Ken laid naked facing him, an arm slung around Josh’s waist and the other tucked between his ear and the pillow. His eyelashes fluttered prettily while his eyes quivered slightly behind closed lids. The blanket they shared were now all on Ken’s side of the bed, gathered messily from his waist downwards. His tan skin, plump and soft, was littered with red and purple marks of various sizes yet all in the shape of Josh’s mouth made the night before.
Josh couldn’t help but smile as he took a good, long look at Ken while letting his fingers run through strands of the latter’s hair. He fondly remembered how small and meek his lover looked last night on the bed, legs switching between wide open and tightly closed, brown eyes gleaming with wonder and quiet passion. With smooth caramel skin in contrast to plain black sheets, Ken looked like a sacrificial lamb placed on top of an altar stone, all for Josh to accept and devour.
And devour him he did.
Josh’s amused remembrance of their night was interrupted by soft stirring on his side. Seemingly still asleep, Ken shifted closer until he found a spot on the crook between Josh’s shoulder and armpit.
“Mmm…”
“Love,” Josh whispered as he ran his fingers deeper into Ken’s hair, massaging the top of his head.
“No…not yet…” Ken muttered as he tightened his hold of Josh’s waist and pulled him even closer. As if it was possible.
Josh couldn’t help but smile while gently nudging his lover. They needed to get this over with.
“Love, wake up…”
“One more day…”
“Ken.”
Ken lifted his face and looked at Josh.
Oh, how easy it would be to say yes, Josh mused. Yes, one more day together. Just Josh and Ken, their queen-sized bed, dark gray walls and sheer white curtains, just them in the safe bubble of their room. But they both know that a ‘one more day’ now would turn into another one tomorrow, until it turns into ‘one more week’ in a few days.
And then it’ll get harder to go on.
“Ken, we need to—”
“No, we don’t,” Ken said sternly, “And you know it.”
“Love,” Josh began, stroking his lover’s cheekbones with his finger, “We talked about this, right? You decided on this, so did I.”
“But what if I don’t want to?”
“Then, you’re gonna have to want it back.”
Josh looked right back at Ken to show his resolve. At the same time, he hoped it showed and not the anxiety and hesitation bubbling inside him.
After a minute that felt like eternity, Ken closed his eyes and lied on his back, exposing the bitemarks and bruises on his chest and torso.
He sighed. “No more extensions, huh.”
Josh lied on his back too.
“No more extensions.”
For the second and last time that morning, he wished it was his ceiling that had a gaping hole and not his heart.
--
The time that elapsed from their bedroom to Josh’s car was a blur, as far as the man’s concerned. What might have been beautiful and bittersweet felt like an out-of-body experience, but they’ve been here many times before. It wasn’t new.
His hand gripped the steering wheel and looked at the man on his passenger seat.
Ken was looking out the window, absentmindedly watching the cars. Today, he wore his favorite gray muscle tee and dark gray cap. Both of which Josh gave him on their third anniversary.
Josh chuckled at the irony of it all.
“What’s so funny?” Ken asked, eyes still looking far out.
“I just think you’re still as sly and cruel as ever.”
Ken’s head whipped to look at him. “I’m the sly and cruel one?!”
If Josh had never been in this situation, he would’ve snapped back at the remark or rebutted the hysterics with his own. But time has healed—immuned? Desensitized?—him that he can maneuver the situation as smoothly as his car.
“Yes,” he said evenly while keeping his eyes on the road, “because even now with those fits, you’re still trying to change my mind.”
Ken was silent, like a child caught in his own lie.
At the next red light, he asked in a small voice, “Is it working?”
Josh smiled sadly and reached out to hold Ken’s hand.
He didn’t say anything. He didn’t have to, because he knew that Ken got the message: if they were in another timeline, it would work. Over and over again.
But they were in this one, and in here, working just isn’t enough.
Not anymore.
--
Josh held Ken’s hand the entire ride. They tried to make small talk, asking about each other’s work plans: Ken’s upcoming business trip to Bohol and Josh’s concert tour in the US.
Both of them mutually avoided asking about personal plans. Not because they don’t have any, but because they knew one’s answer won’t have the other anymore.
They were just starting to feel comfortable again when they finally arrived in front of a two-storey beige and brown house, caged by a black automatic gate.
A house they know all too well.
For the next few minutes, neither of them spoke. Hands still intertwined, they let the silence envelop what they both didn’t have the heart to do.
That is, until Josh spoke first.
“We’re here, love.”
Ken’s grip around Josh’s hand tightened.
“Ken, look at me?” Josh asked softly, scared yet resolute.
The man looked at him, and he relished in the depth of those brown eyes. Josh had known what he wanted to say when this time finally comes, yet he let himself drown in those orbs. For the last time.
Josh took a deep breath, turned so his whole upper body was facing Ken, and began.
“You were my best four years, I hope you know that.” He let his other hand cup Ken’s face, which the latter leaned towards. “Being your friend, then your confidante, then your lover—I wouldn’t trade those for anything. And if…I get to live this life again, I’d still find you and choose you, even if we still end up here, this way.”
“I’m sorry…that I’ve let this drag on for so long,” Ken said softly, closing his eyes to Josh’s touch.
Josh shook his head. “Don’t be. You don’t know how many scenarios I’ve come up in my head to make you stay,” he chuckled darkly, recalling the thoughts he almost brought to fruition just for this moment to never happen.
“Even if it took half a year?”
“Even if it took half a year.”
“Even if your tour got delayed?”
“The delay helped me prepare for the tour, is how I saw it.” Josh knew how bothered Ken felt when their fight caused a lot of delays in his work, including his long-awaited tour. “Because I’m letting you go before it starts, I won’t worry myself sick wondering about what might have been for us.”
Ken fell silent again.
“I don’t want to let this go,” he whispered, and Josh knew he was fighting a sob.
Then don’t, fight for me, for us, Josh almost replied. But he knew he had to be strong enough for the both of them, or else they’d be back to square one.
But then…
“Me too,” he allowed himself at least that, “but Paulo’s waiting, and you’ve made up your mind on him, haven’t you?”
“But can’t I make up my mind on you, too?”
Josh smiled sadly. “We both know you already did.”
“I…” Ken’s voice faltered, knowing that Josh had won this time. “I’m sorry.”
Josh leaned in and gently pressed his lips against Ken’s. It wasn’t hurried, wasn’t hard nor desperate. Instead, their lips locked in each other felt comfortable, secured, like a key to one’s home, one you twist, lock, and pull before you go.
When Josh pulled away, he saw a figure in his peripheral vision. The man had both his hands on the pockets of his jeans, casually leaning on his automatic gate. Despite his nonchalance, his dark, piercing gaze let Josh know that he saw the whole thing through the car’s tinted windows.
Josh turned his gaze back to the man in front of him, whose eyes blinked furiously to fight the oncoming tears.
“I know, love,” he reassured, thumbing Ken’s silent tears. “Now go, Paulo’s already waiting for you.”
His lover stood straight at the mention of the name, then turned his head quickly to find the said man leaning on the gate.
“Promise me something?” Josh asked, making Ken turn back to him. He nodded.
“Be happy.”
Ken’s eyes shot wide open, about to say something, but Josh continued.
“Either by yourself or with Pau. Do the things that the four years with me didn’t allow you to. Take those pole classes, start your pottery workshop, fly to Europe. And maybe…” Josh hesitated, then smiled genuinely at Ken, “Maybe when you’ve found yourself, you can be happy with me again, too. But if not…don’t forget about me?”
Josh removed his hand from Ken’s face and put his pinky up between them. After a few long moments, Ken held up his own pinky and wound it around Josh’s.
“And promise me you’ll be happy too. In the tour, when you find a new love, wherever you’ll go,” Ken said in finality, blinking his tears away and smiling back for the last time. “If you find the joy I couldn’t give you in another person…I hope they never let you go.”
Josh nodded.
With no words were left to say, Ken sighed, unfastened his seatbelt, and reached for his backpack in the backseat. He took one last look at Josh and got out of the car. Paulo, on the other hand, remained unmoving against the gate as he waited for Ken to come to him.
Josh left the passenger seat window open and saw everything from the driver’s seat: Ken stopping in front of Paulo, the latter’s arms wrapping around him and pulling him to an embrace. Ken’s shoulder’s shaking as he leaned against Paulo’s, letting himself be hugged and comforted.
He kept his stare steady when he caught Paulo’s eye. Take care of him.
Paulo stared back. I will.
Reassured, Josh closed the window and opened his car’s music player as he drove away.
The dashboard screen reads: Josh Cullen - Sumaya