Work Text:
“Do you remember about your ex lover?”
I want to answer, I do. I know more about him then I do about myself. I want to convince myself that I knew everything about him.
His favourite colour? Easy, it’s blue. Or—was it yellow? Periwinkle.
... I lied. I forgot a lot of things about Myung Jaehyun, I was very convinced of myself that no one would ever be able to read him better than I could myself.
I wish I weren’t cities away. Why couldn’t this be easier? Why couldn’t you be in front of me at the very moment, as I sit in a coffee shop with no one but the friend I called, “reminiscing my life”. And, the cup of Americano that had my name written with a typo—and a note by the cashier flirting with me.
Sungho, it’s been months since you’ve last seen him. If you were to suddenly show up to the rural town that was once your home, you would definitely vomit because of the memories that still lingered in your mind.
Curse my brain for being so logical, and so damn right. I would vomit while crying ugly crocodile tears if I ever saw the sketchy alleyway we used to see each other at during school hours, in hopes we wouldn’t get caught by the principal.
You were a rebellious teenager, and unfortunately I was easily influenced especially by the people who I loved the most. Together, we were perfectly devious. Whenever either of us ended up in the principal office, the principal would call the other as an alibi. It just highlighted our close relationship after that day.
The day was when I found you in a biology lab, your eyes drowning in its own tears as your face buried deep into your arms. You looked so hopeless, so lost. I never saw you before—but there was a small ache in my chest, that told me to step in and lend a hand to you.
I knew what it’s like being in the tough points of your life, when you feel like you’re swimming in an ocean in the middle of a storm—you’re tired of swimming and trying to reach a shore, but you have to keep on pushing yourself forward because you had a life to live—even when you wanted to go limp, wanting the waters and waves to swallow you and take you into the afterlife.
You told me you were depressed, and you didn’t know what exactly caused it. I froze.
Usually... for situations like this, I’d chicken out and let them deal with it on their own. But there was something about the look of Jaehyun’s puppy eyes, as tears streamed down his cheeks almost caused a spillage of my own eyes.
I talked you out of it. You wanted to harm yourself, you told me you hesitated when you held a razor to shave your hairs as it lingered above your sleeves. There was something about you, who I’ve seen looking so confident and sociable in the halls look and behave like... this.
I never stopped to think about, that maybe even kids like you suffered as well. I put up an image that if someone seemed content that they really are, but you never know what’s behind the shadows beneath their souls.
I too was similar.
I have moments where my heart starts to race, faster and faster as just a few people stare at me. Then, I’d collapse. I’d remember being discharged from my doctor’s office, then it repeats.
I was okay with going through problems like this. After all, I was used to it. Anxiety wasn’t something I could control, whether I liked it or not.
But, I couldn’t bear the idea of seeing you going through such things. I held your hand. I told you everything you longed to hear, as I assumed from the expression on your face.
You hugged me in an embrace tighter than the t-shirts toddler me used to own that I couldn’t be bothered to throw away. You were so damn precious, I couldn’t stop the tear that ran down my cheek as you sobbed into my right shoulder.
Fuck those past memories that were still stuck in my head. I didn’t have the right to think about those—after all, I had left you.
I didn’t want this, not at all.
Jaehyun... I wanted to live you, I swore I did. I swore I was so convinced I was madly in love with you, I told myself over and over again that you were the one for me, and I would never take you for granted.
After you confessed to me under the streetlights of the neighbourhood park, I couldn’t help but be frozen and utterly speechless. I didn’t think I liked you like that—did I?
But there was something within me that told myself I really, really was. We were close, closer than ever. We were stuck to each other’s hips 24/7, skipping school and eating together at the restaurant my mother worked at.
If we were close, that had to mean we were in love with each other, right?
I had to learn it the hard way—just because two people are very, very close doesn’t mean you have to be involved with each other ‘romantically’.
I didn’t want for it to happen, I didn’t mean for it to happen. The spark I once felt when I hung out with you after we had officially met and introduced ourselves, when I turned the frown that were stuck to your lips to a smile because of the words I said to you—
... it disappeared.
I didn’t love you like I wanted to. I really wanted to love you, Myung Jaehyun.
When you greeted me with your stupid words of endearment, I smiled, I nodded. My brain felt dizzy My heart? The pace remained the same.
I would grow so frustrated at myself. Why was I feeling like this? I should’ve been... happy that you asked me out. Why did my heart feel so cold, when your happiness was radiating with warmth.
I would go to the local markets, picking up the fruits and snacks I knew you’d enjoy. At least, I thought you would. You always gave me the same wide-eyed look whenever you stared at the items in the plastic bag, your grin awkward as you picked it up with a mumbled “thanks”.
I didn’t know you as much as I presumed, I didn’t even bother to try and get to know you. I didn’t realise it. I was more focused in trying to give and contribute in the relationship, without actually trying to discover what you liked.
You gave me everything I loved—my favourite snacks, sending me sappy TikToks talking about my favourite animal or comparing fictional characters’ relationship with ours. Or, when you went all your way to buy yourself a plushie of a stupid fox because it reminded you of me. His name was ‘Hosung’, you loved him. You’re so insanely stupid.
Or—the way you comforted me when anxiety overcame me at certain times.
I could only smile at everything you did.
But I knew deep inside me, I soon began to realise—I wasn’t in love with you at all.
I always thought we were—I knew you loved me, I could see the affection in your eyes whenever I spoke. I’m not stupid. It hurt to know you were so infatuated with me, but I barely felt anything with you.
I couldn’t ignore you any longer. These days, I’ve been avoiding you like you held a disease because... I was too scared to face the truth, and admit to it. You already looked pained that I was walking away from you at every give moment, I couldn’t imagine your face when I’d tell you about everything.
... The ache I felt in my chest was unbearable. You looked as though you had witnessed the death of someone you loved. In this case, the death of the supposed love cherished between the two of us.
I left without another word, left you standing alone in the garden of flowers. I couldn’t face you any longer, not after I had just hurt you.
I silently prayed in my heart when I returned home— “God, please give this poor boy someone who actually deserves him”.
I moved from Busan to the busy city of Seoul with my parents and older brother. I couldn’t say I was happier—the guilt that snuck onto me even a month after breaking off our relationship hadn’t left. I moved to a new place, with a better environment for me, at least.
I became better, I wanted to improve and be a better version of myself that you never got to see.
I focused more on my appearances instead of throwing a sweater vest over myself and call it “fashion”. I focused on staying fit and even healthier after I had starved myself times before because sometimes, I felt like I didn't deserve privileges.
I’d find myself being in situations where girls would stop me as I walked to my university that was near the apartment complex we were temporarily staying in. One in particular seemed shy, saying nothing more but holding her phone to me. She’s really pretty, I couldn’t help but stare.
I only smiled politely. I waved both my hands, and told her I was dating someone before I walked off.
Dating someone? No I wasn’t. Not anymore.
Was I rejecting people because I wasn’t interested, or because my mind still lingered in the past? I had no clue, I am still as lost and hopeless as ever.
I’ve met new people, one boy named Han Dongmin whom I met through my chemical engineering major. He was stoic but kind, and he had that cool boy aura that you couldn’t help but swoon over. I’d see the envy in girls eyes whenever we walked together, over who? God knows.
Dongmin made me smile more often than not. He was always so thoughtful of me, always looking out for me whenever I struggled with my anxiety.
But, you did the same. If not, you did way more. Whenever I trembled because of said issue, you would embrace me as if I’d lost a pet companion of seven years. You’d calm me down by patting my back—once it lasted for a full hour, yet you never thought to leave and brought me my favourite drink.
If so, why didn’t I feel a flutter in my chest when you did so? What’s wrong with me?
Or... am I just in pure denial? Maybe I did love you—maybe I just had no idea, and that thought was slowly eating me alive.
I wanted to return home, tell you about my inner monologue and confusion. I wanted to ask if I was stuck in your mind like you were in mind, like an annoying pest.
I couldn’t bear to look at the blue bracelet I wore, the ones you made way back. Whenever I looked at your name on the bracelet, I saw you. The images of not when you were happy, but the last images I saw when I...
I shivered. I took off the bracelet, placing it in the pocket of my leather coat.
My gaze returned to the coffee cup. I scratched away the phone number that the employee wrote with Sharpie, it was easy because the label was soaked.
I couldn’t tell if I was happy with my new life or not. I have no idea if I was happy before. I can only continue to ponder.
I hope... you still have that fox plushie. I hope the fox is still named after me. I hope you still remember me.