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You hate that you feel like shit. But your brain is fighting you right now. And while you thought you were doing a job good of hiding it your boyfriend notices it.
“Hey, what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” John asks, and you take a deep breath, looking at his pretty brown eyes that normally feel like a lifeline when you get to it in your head, but as your relationship is what has you spiraling, they’re not as grounding at the moment.
“I’ve spent an embarrassing amount of tonight thinking that someday you’re going to realize you want someone better than me and if it would hurt less if we called now.”
“Ok but don’t I get a say in this?” Carter reaches for your hand, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.
“Carter, I love you more than I thought I could love anyone, but you’re a doctor from an incredibly rich family and a recovering addict. I’m a part-time barista whose family was on food stamps growing up, and who suffers from anxiety, depression, undiagnosed ADHD, and possible PMDD. I don’t know that I believe that love can conquer all, and maybe someday you’ll want something I’m not, and I don’t know if my heart can take it.”
“So what you want to give up on us now to save you from a scenario you cooked up?” Cater stands up, walks over to your seat at the table, and reaches for your hands taking them in his. “I’m not going anywhere unless you mean it baby but if you keep pushing at some point I’m going to have to think you mean it.” You stand up and feel grateful that your boyfriend pulls you into a hug, your head now resting on his chest.
“I’m sorry.” You whisper into his chest as you try not to break down crying.
“Hey, we’re going to work through it together. I’ll help you set up an appointment with a therapist if you’re willing to talk to someone. It might take some trial and error till you find one that works for you, but I’ll be there every step of the way. And once we get that figured out we can then look into getting you evaluated for ADHD and PMDD. Or we can start there if therapy seems too much right now.” And that’s when the tears come in full force. “Hey, it’s going to be ok, we’re just going to take it one step at a time, but we’ll get through it.” You take a deep breath to try and get words out and as you do Carter rubs your back.
“I’m so used to having to deal with everything on my own that the idea of letting anyone in feels like I’m setting myself up for failure because I’m bad at trusting people. And I’m really good at just doing things myself. Yet you’re so willing to help me with this and I feel bad that I didn’t feel like I could trust you which is ridiculous because you trust me to be there for you after a shitty day in the ER or when you think you might relapse.”
“Because you’re an amazing girlfriend.” Carter won’t say it, but he feels like you're spiraling, and he doesn’t know what else to say, but the last thing he wants is for you to think less of yourself for another reason that’s far from the truth.
“Yet I tried to push you away rather than let you help me.”
“I used to do the same I thought that I would be easier to love if they thought I had my shit together but after rehab, I couldn’t do that anymore. It hasn’t been easy and takes practice but you’ll get there I know you will and I’ll be here for you.” Carter places a kiss to the top of your head. You pull from his chest to look up at him.
“I love you and thanks for putting up with me.”
“I love you too and it’s not putting up with you, it’s part of loving you and I’m so grateful that I’m lucky enough to do so.”
“I’m pretty lucky too. I have this hot doctor of a boyfriend who is so kind and cares about me even when I don’t think I’m worthy of it.” Carter leans down to kiss your lips, and while you know it’s not going to be an easy overnight fix, you couldn’t ask for a better person to hold your hand through it.