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Difficult To Rattle
Samuel Oak was a difficult man to rattle. He had seen and experienced much over his many years on this earth. His training career had been highlighted by incredible encounters, and his research career had been punctuated by accolade after accolade. His personal life had been accented by love and loss: he’d been married, he’d lost his love, he’d raised a wonderful boy into a good man only to have him taken by the universe, and he’d raised another wonderful boy into a bright and driven young man.
No one could say that Sam Oak wasn’t a dedicated and caring man but, despite all of his experience and dedication, nothing could have prepared him for the call from his friend and colleague in Sinnoh.
“Gary’s in the hospital,” Rowan had said.
Alarming, but not rattling - his eighteen-year-old grandson worked with dangerous pokemon out in the wilds, the boy had been in infirmaries and emergency rooms plenty of times for stitches, envenomations, and a few broken bones thrown in. Gary always brushed it off and bounced right back. Sam had no doubt this would be much the same.
“How is he?”
Rowan hesitated and Sam saw the red flags raise in his mind’s eye. “He’s stable. He needed stitches and blood but he’ll recover just fine.”
“What happened?”
Rowan hesitated again - a solid thirty seconds this time. "I hate to tell you this over the phone, Sam… but all signs point to a suicide attempt."
Sam's world came to a screeching halt in that moment.
" What?"
"I'm sorry, Sam. I wish I'd said something sooner - he’d been quiet and withdrawn but I thought he was just tired from all the field work recently. One of his friends said he was worried and… Well, here we are."
Sam wasn't one to be rattled easily but now that he was well and truly rattled, he had no words.
He collected his wits quickly. "Which hospital?"
"Hearthome General."
"I'll be there as soon as I can."
…
… … …
…
Tracey followed Sam along the long corridors, as quiet and tense as Sam himself was. That made sense, of course. He and Gary were so close, very much like brothers. Sam wasn’t sure what Tracey’s experience with hospitals was, but this couldn’t possibly be a positive one.
Samuel had a… strained relationship with hospitals. On one hand, two of the most wonderful things that had happened in his life had occurred in them: the birth of his son and, of course, his grandson. He’d also received the worst news of his life in a hospital too many times for his liking. At least Gary was, physically, doing well. Stitches, blood, and pain meds, the doctor had told Sam. Gary would recover fully in a few weeks… Again, physically.
Who knew how long it would take for whatever mental scars that led to this to heal.
He wanted to know – needed to know – but simultaneously absolutely did not want to know. Still, he forced himself to ask the doctor, “How severe were the wounds?”
“Given the nature and size of the wounds, it’s quite serious,” the doctor replied briskly. “Over forty stitches and two units of blood. Fortunately he didn’t cut into the muscle, so he won’t lose any mobility once those stitches are out and the wounds have had time to heal.”
Something about those last details stuck with Sam. Gary was always purposeful with his actions, precise with his intent, even if that intent was clear to no one but himself. Perhaps the wounds being shallow meant something more. A lack of desire to follow through, perhaps.
Sam could only hope so.
While that was reassuring, it didn’t answer the question that was burning in Sam’s heart, weighing so heavily on his mind and soul.
Why?
What had happened to make his brilliant grandson want to end his own life?
They paused outside a door before he could fall too deeply into his thoughts. It looked like every other door in the corridor but Sam felt his breath catch in his throat nonetheless. Heartache clutched him but the desire to see his boy won out. He glanced back at his assistant, taking strength from Tracey’s steady resolve before nodding to the doctor.
The doctor rapped his knuckles against the door and opened it without waiting for a response. Sam shared one more glance with his assistant before following the other man into the room.
Gary was sitting up in bed with a book in hand – a sight so normal that Sam nearly choked on his breath. The long bandages covering his forearm, however, were about as far from normal as it got.
Other than that, his grandson looked the same and different all at once, but Sam couldn't quite pinpoint the difference. Gary’s hair was longer than when Sam had last seen him, but that hardly mattered when his hair had been growing out for the last two years. It, along with the black nail polish - still there, Sam noted - was a product of the rebellious heavy metal phase. Just a teenager being a teenager. It had amused Sam more than anything else. He certainly hoped his gentle picking on the boy for it hadn't contributed to this .
"Oh, my boy," Sam breathed, making his way into the room. Gary tried to smile at that, but his lips barely quirked and it didn't come remotely close to meeting his eyes - eyes that were hollow and pained. Perhaps that was the difference. Samuel wrapped his arms around the boy regardless and pressed a kiss to his forehead. "I'm so grateful you're alright."
Gary accepted the hug, even returned it with one of his own. “Hi, Grandpa,” he returned quietly.
The strained note in his voice didn't escape Sam’s notice. There were some strong emotions – Sam could feel it in his hug as clearly as he could hear it in his voice. He felt them as well and all he could do was close his eyes and hold his grandson in the hopes that it conveyed even a fraction of the love and fondness he held for the boy.
Sam was reminded that someone else was with them when Tracey came to stand next to the bed. He pulled away reluctantly so that Gary could greet his friend.
“Trace?”
“Yeah,” Sam’s assistant confirmed with a forced smile. “I’m here too.” Tracey leaned over the bed to envelop him in a brotherly hug and Gary flung his arms around him in return. It was different from the hug he had given Sam.
Sam was struck by just how tightly Gary hugged him back and wondered if perhaps Tracey knew something, anything, about the reasoning behind this. He didn't have to wonder for long.
“Please tell him,” Tracey begged him the instant he drew back from the hug, his hands grasping Gary’s shoulders. “I don’t want to lose you.”
Oh? So Tracey did know something. “Tell me what?” Sam asked curiously, unable to keep the concern from his voice.
Gary’s eyes flicked to him and then back up at Tracey, full of fear and uncertainty. It had been ages since Sam had last seen him look so lost and he was again brought back to why.
“You can tell me anything, Gary, you know that,” he assured the boy.
Gary’s gaze dropped down to the blanket pooled in his lap. “I know…” he said softly. His voice was so much smaller than usual that it nearly broke Sam’s heart to hear.
Tracey sighed and drew back from Gary, leaving more space for Sam to stand at the bedside. “I know you’re scared, but I also know how it’ll end if you tell him,” he said softly.
There was a desperation in his voice that Sam had never heard before and hearing it felt much like a stab through the heart. Still, curiosity burned within him – something was going on, something had been going on, and Tracey apparently knew enough of the details to have a clear understanding of what was happening with his grandson.
“Gary, you can tell me anything,” he repeated, but Gary stayed quiet, gaze still focused on the blanket in his lap. Sam gave him a moment before trying again. “I’ll always support you, no matter what. I’m here for you – you're my grandson, I–”
"Not grandson," Gary spoke up suddenly, sounding so absolutely gutted that Sam stopped in his tracks.
His heart sank. What on earth did that mean? Did his boy no longer feel like he belonged to his own family?
"What do you mean?"
But Gary seemed unable to reply. He buried his face in his hands instead, shoulders quaking with tears so unexpected that Sam found himself frozen in with uncertainty. Something was very wrong here but he couldn’t possibly think of what . Gary had been doing so well – well, he'd been down and withdrawn at his recent birthday party in Pallet, but otherwise…
Otherwise, Gary had been excelling in his studies, he was enjoying the field work he did, and was the top battler on the school’s team. He had friends, he traveled, he had hobbies outside of pokemon. He had been, for all Sam could see, flourishing at the university in Sinnoh. Sure, finals were approaching, but Gary hadn’t seemed particularly stressed over that. Instead, he was confident and at ease with a rather lax studying schedule that had been serving him well thus far.
There had been no reason to worry about anything, with the exception of that birthday party… and the withdrawal. The lack of appetite. The unusual quiet.
Perhaps the signs of depression had been there after all.
Still, all Sam could do was gape at his grandson while resting a reassuring hand on his knee and wondering how he managed to fail his boy this badly.
"Professor," Tracey said softly, stepping forward.
As Sam looked to his assistant, Tracey ran his hand through his hair, tugging at the strands with a pointed look that Sam couldn't quite understand. Tracey tilted his head towards Gary, tugging at his hair again and then wiggling his fingers.
Hair and… hands? Fingers?
No. Nails. The painted nails. Which, he noticed, weren't black at all, rather a deep purple with tiny flecks of silver glitter.
Sam glanced back at Gary as the pieces started to fall into place.
"Grand… daughter?" he ventured cautiously.
Gary still refused to look at him, but nodded slightly nonetheless.
"I see," Sam breathed.
This, too, rattled him, but at least the problem was out in the open now. He had absolutely no idea how to address it - for all his experience, this was uncharted territory. He understood the basic premise but… he couldn't possibly begin to understand what had been going through his grandson's - no, grand daughter 's mind while coming to terms with this.
But there was still something he could do, and it was the very same thing he had always done. This would be no different.
"Well, my dear–" Gary's head shot up at this, his - her - eyes wide "– you will always have my love and support. We'll get you through this."
How, exactly, he wasn’t sure, but where there was a will, there was most certainly a way – and there was absolutely a will here. Grandson, granddaughter: it didn’t matter. All that mattered was his grandchild, this soul he had watched grow and who he loved with every bit of his being. There were doctors and resources for this sort of thing, online communities and support groups and such. They would get through this.
They would absolutely get through this.
…
… … …
…
Sam spent that night in his hotel room, though he spent more of the night reading and studying than he did sleeping. He understood much more than he did that afternoon and he had learned many new words. He found resources at home in Kanto and had saved a number of doctors that his granddaughter could further research and pick from, if she so desired. It was enough that he was confident he could have a proper conversation with Gary about it later today, if there was enough time to do so without it being overwhelming.
They would need the conversation soon enough. Sam had questions and Gary surely had some things to get off his – her – chest. And they would need to discuss the name situation. He very much doubted a young woman would want to continue to go by a boy's name when being a boy caused enough discomfort to lead to being in the hospital with wounds along both forearms. Although, if she didn't want to change her name, Sam certainly wouldn't force the issue. This was her journey, Sam was just there to support it.
Tracey had stayed at the hospital and kept Sam well enough informed for him to know that Gary would be dealing with therapists and psychologists for a good chunk of the morning. Eager as he was to get back to the hospital, Sam knew he wouldn’t be able to see his granddaughter until the afternoon. Tracey was there, however, and Sam felt some relief in knowing that she wasn’t alone in between doctors. She would certainly need time alone to process everything that had happened in the last thirty-six hours, but right now she needed support and love, and Tracey was the perfect person to provide that while Sam went to the school and took care of a few odds and ends.
He checked in with Rowan and a few of the instructors, all of whom were anxious to hear about how Gary was doing – Gary was a favorite student, it seemed. As always. Sam could easily see why: Gary was smart, studious, and dependable after all. He kept his answers to their inquiries short and vague. Gary was dealing with some personal matters but would be okay with time.
It wasn’t his place to divulge more than that. It was entirely honest in any case.
Some paperwork was filled out to excuse Gary from missed classes and Sam brought some more with him on the chance that she would choose to lighten her course load before the end of the semester. He doubted it was something she would want but more surprising things had happened in this week alone. It would be helpful to have the paperwork already on hand should it be needed, in any case.
This all took far less time than Sam had been expecting and he found himself with a few hours to spare before the appointments and such would be finished at the hospital. Unsure of what to do with his time, he found himself driving rather aimlessly in the general direction of the hospital, wondering where to stop along the way. He wanted very much to bring something to Tracey and Gary – coffee, lunch, snacks, a magazine… He didn’t know what – he just knew that he wanted to do something, anything, to help them pass the time in the hospital.
His answer came in the form of a large building on his left-hand side just as he was considering the very real possibility of showing up empty-handed. He wasn’t sure if it was a good answer yet, but it was an answer and it was worth the try. He turned at the next light and drove through the large parking lot until he found an entrance.
Sam felt out of his element and a bit foolish as soon as he stepped through the doors. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been in a shopping mall – before Gary had started training, most likely – and it was the first time in decades that he had been in one to shop for someone other than a boy. He truly didn’t know where to begin. Clothes were out of the question: too many variables to consider. The same went for makeup.
After a few minutes of wandering along the main corridor, Sam was beginning to feel defeated. There were clothing stores, toy stores, shoe stores, a music store… but nothing for his granddaughter.
Determined not to give up, he paused at a cafe and ordered himself a coffee in the hopes that the caffeine would give him some strength to keep searching.
Not far from the food court was a small, cramped shop, with a bright pink and purple sign outside and displays of jewelry and accessories in the windows. Perhaps this would be a good option. The bright colors and glitter made Sam wonder if this store was maybe a little too juvenile for her, but decided to take the chance. She had been willing to take the chance in telling him the truth and so he could take the chance in exploring this store that was clearly catered to preteen and teenage girls.
The girls at the register barely glanced up from their conversation as he entered and he wandered for a moment, definitely feeling as though he’d made a mistake. Perhaps he could ask one of the girls for help? Gary had Tracey’s help telling him after all…
No. He had to do this himself. Sam knew his grandchild – boy or girl. Gary was still Gary, and Sam was quite certain Gary would wear the necklace with the pokeball charm that he had just spotted. It small and rather delicate, the ball made of glass.
At least he’d found one thing to give her.
Then he spotted the matching earrings. They too had small, delicate glass balls: tiny versions of half a dozen of the most common pokeball types hung at varying lengths. He pulled the necklace and the earrings from the display and held them for a moment as he wondered what else he might be able to find in this little store for her.
A charm bracelet with the different eevee evolutions. Earrings of the Kanto starters. A necklace with a silver aerodactyl skeleton. They were all on the racks nearest where he found the pokeball earrings and necklace.
Perhaps he should get a basket.
He pulled the charm bracelet, squirtle earrings, and aerodactyl necklace from their hooks and fetched a basket from the stack he had passed on the way in. On his way back to the racks where he found the jewelry, a display of bracelets caught Sam’s eye. They showcased the phases of the moon in a not-quite-accurate but aesthetically pleasing manner. Some had beads from different gemstones and some had thin leather bands, all in different colors. The design seemed right up Gary’s alley, but what color to go with?
Sam wasn’t quite sure what her favorite color would be… His eyes landed on a nearby pair of earrings with dangling amethysts, small but raw, not polished. Exactly the type of stone Gary would be drawn to.
Of course!
Purple.
It was always purple.
It had always been purple.
Why would it change? Why would anything change? Gary was still Gary, just without a mask for the first time… That detail pained Sam to think of. He couldn’t begin to imagine how it felt to never be seen as your true self. It must have been so dreadfully painful. No wonder his grandchild had been so morose these last few months. Hopefully this would make a positive difference. It helped him feel better, at the very least, but Sam wasn’t the important one in this scenario.
Sam pulled the earrings from the hook on the display and added them to the little basket that was quickly filling up with jewelry and accessories that he hoped with all his heart would make his granddaughter feel loved and accepted. The purple variations of the bracelet joined the earrings in the basket.
Sam had a feeling he would be here a while. No matter. It would be worth it.
The little basket filled up remarkably quickly: bracelets, necklaces, hair clips, even a few bottles of nail polish in varying shades of purple. It all cost a small fortune but that was no concern to Sam. He had the money and, while spoiling his grandchild wasn’t necessarily the best thing to do, it was the easiest way to show his unwavering love and support. So what if he spent enough money on jewelry to cover another night in the hotel? Giving his granddaughter a will to live was far more important than the money.
Sam left the store with a surprising number of bags and wasted no time in heading to the nearby coffee shop to pick up a drink and some pastries for Gary and Tracey, on the way there, however, he passed a gift wrapping station and paused. There was nothing wrong with handing Gary a handful of shopping bags, but that didn’t feel quite right for the situation. This was Sam’s first time buying his granddaughter gifts. It was a special occasion and special occasions called for special treatment.
He approached the woman at the station with a smile, cheerfully explaining that it was for his granddaughter, that she was eighteen and her favorite color was purple. He left beaming with several gift bags in hand quite some time later. Everything he had bought was nestled carefully in lavender tissue paper. The several pairs of earrings were secured in little boxes with dark purple ribbons. The bags themselves were mostly purple, though two of them were black and patterned with silver stars and crescent moons. One of the bags even had a little plush eevee peeking out of the top.
Pleased with the decisions he had made, Sam headed into the coffee shop, picked out some treats from Tracey and Gary, and headed back to the hospital.
Sam paused in the doorway when he reached the room, taking in the scene before him. It was rather similar to the scenes he had seen so many times on Gary’s visits home and that gave him a boost of hope. Tracey sat in the chair next to the bed, his sketchbook balanced against his knee while Gary’s was spread open on the bed table. They spoke quietly enough that Sam couldn’t quite make out their words, but the conversation seemed casual enough as they drew together.
Good. She needed a casual day with her close friend.
But Sam’s presence didn’t go unnoticed for long. It was Gary who noticed him first, glancing up at the doorway as she reached for a different colored pencil. A tiny smile tugged at the corner of her lips, though it faded to wariness as she eyed the bags in his hands.
“What's with the bags?”
Sam smiled at the wariness in her voice. “Just a few gifts for you, my dear.” He set them down on the chair next to her bed and ruffled her hair affectionately. He glanced down at her earlobes, where he saw a pair of simple black studs – boy’s earrings. So they were pierced. Good. The earrings were a good choice then. That was fortunate, because she now had at least a dozen new pairs to wear.
“Why?” Gary asked.
Again with that wariness.
“Because he likes to spoil you,” Tracey replied before Sam could. “Why else?”
“Do I need an excuse to spoil my granddaughter?” Sam asked as he passed her the box that he knew contained the moon phase bracelets and amethyst earrings. “You see, I've only known she exists for a day and I'm afraid I have some catching up to do.”
That drew a small smile from his granddaughter and a faint pink colored her cheeks. His heart soared at the sight – they were on the right track. It had been too long since he'd seen a proper smile on his grandchild’s face.
“Thank you, Grandpa,” she said softly, accepting the box and gingerly lifting the lid.
A genuine smile curved her lips when she saw the contents, her eyes lighting up properly for the first time since Sam and Tracey had arrived at the hospital the day before.
“Grandpa… You didn't have to,” she said. Sam noted the quiver in her voice, as well as the sparkling of unshed tears in her eyes.
Of course he'd had to do it, and it had evidently been the correct choice if that was her reaction. He shushed her gently and passed her the bags with the plush eevee. “I have eighteen years to catch up on,” he said firmly.
The tears overflowed in an instant, a sob escaping her as she held the box to her chest. Sam’s heart soared as much as it broke.
He set the bag down on the bed and reached for her hand “You're important to me,” he told her gently. “And it’s important to me that you know how loved and supported you are.”
“I told you a long time ago that he would be your biggest supporter,” Tracey’s voice came from beside them, warm but amused.
Gary nodded, a tiny laugh escaping her at Tracey’s interjection. “Yeah,” she said shakily, wiping at the tears. “You were right, as always.” She looked down at the bracelets and earrings with a watery smile before peering up at Sam. “How did you know what I would like?”
“I know you, my dear,” he replied. He picked up the bag with the eevee once more and gave her a warm smile. “I hope you like the rest of your gifts just as much.”
She took a moment to gingerly slip one of the moon phase bracelets over the bandages before setting the box atop her sketchbook and reaching for the plush eevee. Over an hour – and many tears – later, and the bed was covered in tissue paper and ribbons. Gary’s sketchbook could barely be seen beneath the pile of boxes and jewelry. A few more bracelets had joined the moon phase one – Sam had seen her wince a few times since putting them on, but her delighted smile every time she looked down at them was enough to soothe his concern. The aerodactyl necklace and a purple hair tie had been added as well.
Sam waited until she finished going through each of the bags and all of the tears had dried before steering the conversation towards a topic that had been popping up in his mind over and over again the whole time at the mall.
“I do have a question…” He waited until she had looked back up at him before continuing. “I imagine you don’t want to go by a boy's name. Was there another one you had in mind?”
Her gaze fell to the pile of tissue paper in her lap, uncertainty clouding her eyes as she bit her lip. Even with her gaze lowered, Sam could see the fear and anxiety taking over. The poor thing, this all must have been so overwhelming.
“It’s alright if you’re unsure,” he reassured her, placing a hand over hers. “It’s a big change. We can talk about it another time, if you'd like.”
There was a beat of silence before she opened her mouth to speak, only for it to immediately close again. She tried again, only to once again break off with a tiny sigh of frustration. Sam gave her hand a gentle squeeze as he saw the tears glimmer in her eyes. Her eyes darted to Tracey in a pleading glance that he seemed to understand immediately.
“We’ve tried having this conversation a few times,” Tracey said quietly. “When I first found out, she refused to talk about names. I told her I was gonna start calling her Gabby if she was going to be so stubborn. Right, Gabs?”
She shot him a glare so very much like one a younger sister would give a brother for using a nickname that Sam couldn’t help but chuckle. He didn’t think he could ever be more grateful for Tracey. He’d always been such a wonderful friend and mentor to her all these years.
He was truly the older brother she’d always needed. He even had the annoying older brother nickname picked out already – and had been using it all along! She might hate him for it, but Sam couldn’t bring himself to interfere with that.
As luck would have it, he knew a name that would fit with that nickname. And it was a family name! It would be perfect, so long as she wanted that name.
“Before you were born,” Sam began slowly, waiting for her to return her gaze to him before continuing. “Your parents had two names picked out, a boy’s name and a girl's name.”
Gary’s gaze turned curious. She glanced over at Tracey, who flashed her an encouraging smile, which she returned with a faint smile of her own before looking back to Sam. “What was the girl's name?”
“Gabrielle.”
Tracey’s grin was instantaneous and Sam couldn’t help but chuckle a bit at just how quickly it had appeared on his face. Surely that was a good sign.
Gary’s gaze dropped back to the blanket in her lap, expression thoughtful. “Gabrielle,” she murmured. She was quiet for a long moment before glancing up at Tracey and shaking her head at the sight of his grin. “Shut it, Trace.”
“I didn’t say a word.”
“Do you have any thoughts on it?” Sam asked, gently redirecting her attention back to the conversation.
“C'mon, Gabs,” Tracey prompted with a grin. “You know I’m gonna keep calling you that, right?” he added when she shot him a sidelong glance.
She rolled her eyes, a light blush spreading across her face as she looked pointedly away from both of them. “Shut up,” she mumbled.
“You know you like it,” Tracey teased.
Her blush only darkened. “Shut up,” she replied, only confirming it.
Unable to stop himself, Sam laughed. There was his proud, sassy grandchild who he loved so dearly, still so embarrassed by having feelings, the silly thing. Still the same child he’d always adored. It was a relief to see her peeking through the overwhelm and fear.
He gave her hand a squeeze and met her eyes with a smile. “Is this the name you want, my dear?”
She nodded quietly, gaze once more on her lap as she took a shuddering breath. “Yeah,” she breathed after a moment.
Sam's smile widened and he gave her hand another gentle squeeze. “Your parents would be thrilled.”
…
… … …
…
The next morning was different. The room wasn’t quite how it had looked the other two times he had been here. Tracey was nowhere to be seen, for starters, and the bed table held a tray with medical supplies – scissors, gauze, and an assortment of materials still within their sterile packaging. One of the nurses sat on the edge of the bed, talking quietly to Gabrielle, who looked rather tense. It was an odd sight – she had been relatively at ease with her nurses, as far as he had seen.
Sam hovered in the doorway, unsure if he should interrupt. Concern for his granddaughter won out rather quickly. “Is everything alright?” he asked after a moment.
The nurse and Gabrielle both looked up at his voice, though his granddaughter quickly looked away, gaze downcast and torn. The nurse patted her hand and offered Sam a reassuring smile. “It’s time to change the bandages,” she explained.
“Ah… I see.”
It was then that Sam noticed that one of her forearms had already been freed of the long bandage that had been wrapped around it. He caught a glimpse of the wound: still red and angry, with dark sutures holding together pale flesh. It trailed straight down the center of her forearm as far as Sam could see.
His heart sank at the sight.
He had hoped that the doctor’s mention of the wounds not being too deep meant something about her intentions – hopefully a lack of desire to follow through – but seeing just one of the wounds shattered that hope.
Sam was quite suddenly brought back to the reason why he was here in the first place. It wasn’t to celebrate his granddaughter – it was to help his grandchild heal from a terrible injury, one that had nearly taken her life before he’d had the chance to learn that he even had a granddaughter. The wounds on her arms had a dark intention behind them and Sam was powerless to change that fact.
But he couldn’t dwell on that just now. She needed something from him and Sam was unsure if that was privacy or extra support right now, in this moment.
“Would you like me to leave?” he offered.
Gabrielle shook her head. “You can stay,” she replied quietly.
“Are you sure?” Sam hated to intrude and she had always been such a private person. “I could pick up a coffee –”
“It’s fine, Grandpa.”
She sounded so tired, so absolutely drained that Sam felt his heart break just a little. The poor thing was exhausted, no doubt. He set down the textbooks he had retrieved from her dorm room and sank down in the chair next to the bed.
He watched as the nurse carefully cut away the bandage but noticed throughout just how pale his granddaughter was growing. Her eyes darted about the room, pointedly avoiding looking at him, but that didn’t stop Sam from noticing the glimmer of tears. He reached out and took the hand that had already been freed of the bandages, tugging just enough to pull her attention to him.
“It’s alright,” he assured her, offering a warm smile. “Just breathe, dear.”
She nodded and closed her eyes as she took a shaky breath. A tear trickled out from beneath her lashes and Sam squeezed her hand gently. He couldn’t imagine how it felt to have such wounds, self-inflicted with such intent, revealed and prodded at every day. For someone with such pride and who was so reserved with sharing their feelings – and their weaknesses – it must have been so difficult.
He thumbed away the fallen tear with his spare hand and glanced over at the nurse, curious. Was this reaction because he was there, seeing something that he knew his granddaughter was likely feeling shame over? Or was this the reaction she’d had every time the bandages had been changed?
The final bandage fell away and the nurse gathered them up, giving them a brief moment as she stood to toss them in the trash. She seemed to sense his question as she came back to the bed and rested a gentle hand on Gabrielle’s shoulder.
“It’s been difficult,” she explained. “It usually is, but it’s getting easier, right?”
Gabrielle nodded, taking another shaky breath even as another tear escaped.
The nurse gave her a smile and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “Take your time.”
A few short moments passed, her shaky breaths growing steadier with each passing one. While Sam’s heart broke with every glimpse he caught of the wounds, he felt a sense of pride grow for her. Here she was, exposing such a vulnerable part of herself – out of necessity rather than choice – to a stranger and to her grandfather, and she was facing it head-on, breathing through it so bravely. He'd always know she was strong, but this was a different strength and he was unashamedly proud of her for facing her recovery so determinedly.
“Okay,” Gabrielle said with one last deep breath. “I'm ready.”
The nurse nodded and began gathering packets of sterile gauze pads and tubes of ointment. “I'm just going to pat the stitches down to make sure they're dry since you were able to take a shower this morning, then we'll put some antibiotic ointment on before we replace the bandages. It's probably going to hurt a bit. Are you ready for that?”
Gabrielle nodded shakily and something about that terse movement tugged at Sam’s heart. He had tended to countless injuries from scrapes and scratches to stitches and broken bones over the years, and this was the worst injury yet. Tending to this one felt especially important.
Sam reached out a hand. “May I?” he asked.
The nurse paused but nodded after a glance towards Gabrielle. She handed Sam one of the sterile packets of wipes while taking and opening one for herself. “It's quite easy,” she explained, demonstrating how to gently pat the wounds. “No doubt you've done the same with pokemon, Professor. It'll be quite tender still, so the gentler the better…” She paused and looked over the wounds. “Everything looks good. No signs of infection and healing up nicely. I'll give you some time and we can redo the bandages when I come back. Sound good?”
Sam looked to his granddaughter. “Gabrielle?” She nodded again, staying quiet. Despite everything else that had rattled Sam in the last few days, it was this unusual quiet that bothered Sam the most. “Are you sure?”
“Yeah,” she replied, voice trembling.
The nurse gave her shoulder a squeeze and gave Sam a smile that he easily returned. She had been kind and understanding, and – most importantly – Gabrielle had responded well to her. Sam appreciated her more than words could say.
She left the room and Sam opened one of the gauze pads. He took his time gently dabbing at the wounds, silently counting the stitches as he went and feeling his heart ache with every suture. There were so many and the scars would be so long, unmistakable against her pale skin. Her thoughts on that were impossible to read, though the tears continued to trickle down her face. Sam wasn’t sure of the reason behind the tears, though sheer overwhelm seemed the most reasonable to expect. Feeling low enough to inflict such wounds, then spending a day poked and prodded physically and psychologically all before Sam had even arrived, and then telling Sam…
Though he understood he hadn’t done anything wrong, he still felt truly awful. It hurt terribly to see his precious grandchild in so much anguish.
But that smile when he had given her the bags of jewelry had been promising: for both of them. It was, hopefully, promising to Gabrielle – a sign that she was undeniably loved and supported. The smile had been promising to Sam, an indicator that his grandchild – his driven, determined, brilliant grandchild – was still there.
This was still unknown, uncharted territory, and it came with fear and trepidation, but that would never stop Sam from being there for her.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, voice cracking with the strain of desperately trying to hold it together.
Sam couldn't have that. He cupped her face in his hands, thumbing away the tears just as he had done when she was a little boy with a skinned knee or when she had been a young trainer struggling with the terror of a powerful pokemon’s attack. He would always be there to help her up and tend to her wounds, no matter how severe, physical or not, but he wasn’t about to let her feel shame over it.
“None of that, dear,” he replied, as gentle and firm as he could possibly manage while his heart ached for her so very much. The poor thing was in so much pain and all Sam could do was hold her and tell her it would be okay. “I'm just glad we're getting you better. Don't apologize. There's nowhere I'd rather be than right here helping you and you know that.”
This only brought more tears but Sam gently wiped them away and gave her a moment to catch her breath.
He waited until she had calmed before grasping her hands and pressing a kiss to the knuckles of both hands. “I will do anything I can to keep you from ever feeling this desperate again,” he promised, meaning it with every ounce of his being.
Gabrielle smiled. “You already have.”
…
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…
The psychologist appointments were daily – Sam understood, given the circumstances, but the check-ins were long and were followed by even longer therapy sessions that seemed to leave Gabrielle drained. Sam had given her space after each of them, giving her a chance to process it all or take a nap, or whatever it was that she needed right then. While she was in her hours of appointments, he brought Tracey along with him to pick up a few things from Gabrielle’s dorm room – she wanted her laptop and chemistry notebook to keep up, and Sam was happy to oblige. He could tell she was getting pent up and needed a distraction: she'd always hated being in one place for too long. It was a wonder that living on campus didn't give her cabin fever but he supposed the battling team helped with that. School didn't seem to be an issue in any case. If anything, talking about school gave Sam glimpses of his granddaughter, and with each glimpse came more certainty that she would be okay.
She smiled genuine smiles when she spoke of her friends on the battle team and her lab partners in her chemistry and biology courses. She spoke confidently about her classes, proud of her prowess and eager to learn more – just as she always had been. There was a competition between her and two of her peers for top grades, though it seemed far more friendly than the rivalries Sam had seen in the past. For that, Sam was grateful.
When he and Tracey returned to the hospital, with a late lunch in tow, they found Gabrielle with her sketchbook in front of her and a smile upon her face. Sam's heart soared at the sight. Someone had braided her hair into a complicated-looking plait, secured with a pink hair tie and accented with a pink, blue, and white hair clip – neither of which Sam had bought. The squirtle earrings he had bought dangled from her ears and the pokeball necklace hung about her neck.
“You’re looking lovely, my dear,” Sam complimented as he entered the room and took in the sight with a smile of his own. “Did one of the nurses do your hair?”
Her smile stayed in place as she closed her sketchbook and took the bag of food Tracey passed her. “No, my lab partner, Chelsea, stopped by.”
Sam had heard that name several times in the last few days. “She's the one taking care of Umbreon?”
Gabrielle nodded. “She's known for a while,” she explained. She paused, her smile turning nervous. “She's going to tell the team at practice tonight.” The nerves disappeared immediately after she said it, only to be replaced with another genuine smile. Her eyes lit up as she told them, “I'll be out in time for the last practice before the competition.”
There she was. Sam couldn't help his grin, and, evidently, neither could Tracey. “That's wonderful!” Sam replied warmly.
“That’s not all the good news she got today,” Tracey said, grinning broadly.
Oh? He had thought he'd seen Tracey smiling brightly at a text message earlier. What other news could she have?
“What else did you hear?” he asked curiously.
Her smile only grew brighter. “I start testosterone blockers tomorrow!”
Ah… Sam had read about that, but, as he understood, that was just one part of the medical equation. “That’s fantastic! What about estrogen?” he asked.
A look of surprise intermingled with delight crossed her face – evidently this had been just the right question to ask. “Another month.” The delight in her eyes faded just a bit at that, but her smile didn’t fade entirely. “There’s some stupid rule: I have to do a month of therapy and have my therapist write a letter of approval.” She rolled her eyes but even that didn't diminish her smile.
“That month will fly by, don’t you worry,” Sam assured her.
The therapy was a good thing, Sam couldn’t help but think. Large changes were stressful and this was as big a change as they came – not to mention the state she had to have been in to land her in the hospital in the first place. She may have been prescribed antidepressants to help but a suicide attempt seemed like the sort of thing that therapy would be better suited for.
Besides… “I'm sure they can do virtual visits, so you don't have to stay in Sinnoh that whole time. Once your competition is over, you'll be able to come home.”
Sam had thought those words would be reassuring but Gabrielle tilted her head, expression confused. “Home?” she echoed.
Sam paused, taken aback by the displeasure in her tone. He had thought that was what she had wanted. They had talked about it just the other day. “I thought you wanted to take a break from school.”
“After summer, Grandpa. I still have exams.”
Sam wasn’t sure he liked that idea. “Are you sure?” he asked. “Finals are quite the stressful time and your instructors already—”
But Gabrielle shook her head. “I’m finishing the semester,” she declared firmly. “Plus I have a summer field class that I don’t want to miss.
There was that stubbornness. Relieved as he was to see it, he worried about the extra stress and whether it was truly wise to let her push her limits straight out of the hospital. Still, he smiled. “If you’re sure.” He would have to trust her and be there to help her should she stumble as she went back to her life. “If it gets to be too much, please consider taking your instructors up on the offer to waive your exams.”
She nodded with a smile. “I know, Grandpa,” she assured him.
It wouldn’t stop him from worrying, but maybe having something to focus on would be beneficial for her. She had kept up with her school work over the last few days in any case, remaining dedicated to her studies even through all this stress. She had always been studious and determined, and seeing this made Sam’s heart warm. With all of the changes she was going through and all of the ones she would go through in the near future, Sam still had his grandchild.
At the end of the day, that was all he wanted: his bright, determined, adventurous grandchild who loved pokemon and learning all she could about them. Boy or girl – it didn’t matter. That had never mattered. He would have supported her love for pokemon and exploring even if she had been born as Gabrielle. Little would have changed in how he raised her. All he had ever wanted was a happy, healthy grandchild and he was happy so long as she was.
…
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