Archive of Our Own

CONTROL YOUR PLEASURE

Ruki and I watched the lady at the cash register as she grasped the large, glittery box with both of her tiny hands. She turned the box over, and patiently, on her quest in search of a barcode, examined each side with the resolve of a Buddhist monk tracing their path to enlightenment. 

GREAT FOR BEGINNERS

This left us with ample time to take in all of its product features, which were conveniently plastered across every surface of the box in huge capital letters, proudly declaring its many perks like a salesman with a megaphone. If it had actually been presented to us in a sales pitch, I imagined it would have been nearly as deafening as the Don Quijote theme song that blasted at us from all directions. 

QUIET AND POWERFUL

This was not the way I had imagined my reunion with Ruki. 

We hadn’t seen each other in person in months. No smiles were exchanged when we locked eyes with each other. 

There was no excited ‘hey, welcome back!’ 

No cheeky ‘fancy seeing you here.’  

No, Ruki didn’t make a sound. Ruki didn’t move a muscle. He was simply, utterly, absolutely stumped. It was horrible. All he could do was stare. All I could do was stare. 

WATERPROOF  

Ruki’s blond hair was damp, and his black nail polish looked like it had been left to fend for itself during an earthquake – smudged, chipped and violently shaken to the core – as though he’d been mid-bubble bath not too long ago, halfway through a manicure session, when suddenly he realized something crucial was missing from his life and scrambled out the door.  

His shopping basket was filled with scented candles. 

What kind of a deranged soul would abandon their warm, relaxing bath at 1 a.m. to go buy scented candles? Who thinks ‘I cannot go on without lavender eucalyptus’ and bolts into the night? Couldn’t he just have spritzed on some cologne? Couldn’t he have inhaled some air freshener spray? I had specifically scheduled my secret little trip here past midnight so it would remain just that - secret. 

USB RECHARGEABLE

I hadn’t even noticed the vocalist skulking around the store until he bumped into me while I was already waiting in line at the cash register. 

If Ruki hadn’t immediately noticed it lying in my basket, he would have probably smirked at my outfit. He would have teasingly asked if I had returned to Tokyo all dolled up to apply for a job as his personal assistant. He would have been distracted. 

10 VIBRATING SPEEDS

But he had already seen it, and there was nothing my tailored suit dress or my shiny high heels could do to compete with it for his attention.

FUN FOR SOLO PLAY OR USE WITH A PARTNER

Hence, Ruki and I looked on in excruciating silence as the cashier lady finally managed to locate and scan the barcode. She looked up at me, completely unfazed. This was business as usual for her. A veteran of the adults-only aisle. She had seen things. 

“Will you be paying by card or cash?”

“Uhm, card please.”

“Would you like a bag?” 

“Y-yes, please.” 

She swiftly packed up my purchase and sent me on my way. And on my way I went. I did not look back. Not even once. Because why would I? Women were sexually liberated. I was empowered. I was free. My personal satisfaction mattered. I could do whatever I wanted. 

So what if I had made direct eye contact with Ruki while clutching a personal pleasure device that looked like it belonged in Sailor Moon’s private drawer of forbidden relics?

So what if Ruki had just witnessed me paying for a pink, sparkly vibrator that resembled the Spiral Heart Moon Rod’s degenerate twin—exiled from the Moon Kingdom after invoking one too many cosmic tremors—and now entrusted to me as the wielder of its pulsating moonbeam of depravity?

So what if Ruki had just watched the entire scene unfold with the solemn gaze of a man watching his favorite anime character die in slow motion?

Yeah. 

So what. 

SO FREAKIN’ WHAT. 

…

Fuck my life.

The candle flickered. A slow-burning scent of jasmine and sandalwood curled through the room, meant to be calming. Soothing. Grounding.

But Ruki hadn’t moved in over twenty minutes. He sat on his couch, legs folded beneath him, phone resting on his knee. His eyes were fixed on his screen, the chat window still empty, cursor blinking like it was taunting him.

He had written twelve messages already. Deleted all of them. 

What the hell was he supposed to say? 

Yo. You good?

No.

I just wanted to say sorry if I made it awkward. 

Worse.

You’re allowed to buy whatever you want. Seriously. I hope you’re not feeling weird about earlier. I promise I’m not feeling weird about it. 

Liar.   

You do you. Literally.

What the fuck.

He groaned and set his phone down on the coffee table, rubbing both hands over his face and dragging them back through his damp hair. 

Why was this so hard? It was not a big deal. It wasn’t like he hadn’t seen people buy stuff like that before.  Everyone had… stuff. Toys. Whatever. He was a grown man. She was a grown woman. Grown adults had needs. He understood. Everything was fine. 

Except it wasn’t. Not because of what she bought. But because she’d looked so horrified after she saw him. Like her soul had tried to exit her body in the checkout line. And he’d just stood there—cemented to the ground and useless—like a goddamn NPC that couldn’t figure out how to walk around a flower pot. Or a sex toy. 

Ruki reached for his phone again and opened their chat. No messages yet. Not even a 'pls forget I exist.' He began to type. 

Hey. Hope you’re not too embarrassed. If anything, I’m the one who should be embarrassed for being caught red-handed with a candle addiction.

He paused.

It wasn’t too awkward. It wasn’t creepy. It was soft. Maybe even sweet.

He hovered over Send, thumb twitching. Then sighed and deleted it. Again.

Instead, he rewrote. 

You okay?

Simple. Open. Safe.

But also kind of lame.

He deleted it, threw his phone onto the couch beside him, and leaned back with a heavy sigh. 

“She probably thinks I’m judging her right now,” he muttered. 

He stared at the ceiling for a long minute, searching for counsel in the shadows from the flickering candlelight. 

His phone buzzed.

Ruki sat up instantly, heart in his throat.

Not her. Spam. 

He groaned and flopped back down onto the cushions, throwing an arm over his face.

He never made it back to his bath. 

I sat on the edge of my bed, staring at my magical wand of depravity, now unboxed and perched on my nightstand.

Why hadn’t I hidden it underneath something? I could have. But I didn’t. No decoy snacks, no moisturising sheet masks, no cheap instant ramen—just raw, fearless ‘I’m an adult with needs ’ ‘surely I won’t run into anyone I know’ confidence. 

I’d strutted right into the checkout line with my new, shiny toy and the audacity of a woman unafraid of God, man, or Ruki from the GazettE. 

What the hell was I thinking? 

What was Ruki thinking?

No. No, don’t think about what Ruki is thinking. I don’t want to know. It absolutely terrifies me to think about what Ruki is thinking. 

But I couldn’t stop thinking about it. He hadn’t uttered a word. Didn’t blink. Didn’t even breathe, as far as I could tell. His face had been a blank loading screen, buffering god-knows-what emotion. His whole body had locked up like a video game character paralyzed by an acute error in the script.

What was he doing right now? 

Had he simply lit his scented candles and slid back into his bathtub to repaint his nails like nothing out of the ordinary had happened? Had he cracked open a Coke and shrugged it off? Maybe he didn’t care. Maybe sex toys were beneath him. Maybe he’d already forgotten about it. Was Ruki mature and unbothered like that? 

Or was he shocked? Grossed out? 

Did he think it was funny? 

Was he screaming about it in a group chat right now, laughing so hard that he cried?

That seemed like a probable scenario. He probably was doubled over with laughter somewhere, wiping tears from his face at this very minute. 

I groaned and dropped face-first into my pillow. Why did this have to happen to me? All I wanted was to feel good and have a carefree night of relaxation. My eyes drifted back to the vibrator resting on my nightstand. It looked pretty in the moonlight. It didn’t mock me. It didn’t care what I bought or who saw me. It was quiet. Steady. Graceful.

I sat up in my bed and reached for it. My fingertips traced their way down the smooth, pink surface of the wand until they brushed over a sleek, rose gold button. Screw it. I wasn’t going to let anyone’s stupid jokes come between me and a well-deserved, magical orgasm. No, I was going to have all the orgasms. 

I settled back against my pillow, pulling my blanket up over my chest with one hand while sliding the other down between my legs. I pressed the power button. My breath caught, hips shifting instinctively as a rush of sensation pulled tight through my body. A faint hum began to whisper through the silence of my room. 

I closed my eyes to focus on the gentle vibrations. The sensations flooded me with a need, the muscles of my lower back and the back of my legs tightening in response. I pressed the button again—harder this time—and the pleasure pulsed through me, steady and building. My lips parted with a shaky sigh. 

But then my mind began to wander. 

And suddenly he was there.

Ruki.

Leaning in the doorway of my bedroom, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyes heavy-lidded and dark. His mouth curved just enough to reveal a smirk—slow, knowing, indulgent. 

He was watching me. 

My hand froze, but the vibrator kept going. 

Ruki’s gaze dragged over me, raking over the shape of my knees beneath the blanket and the hand lodged in between them. His gaze travelled up to my face, his eyes seeking mine. A devilish simper graced his lips. Like he liked what he saw. 

My hips rocked forward involuntarily, the pressure rising, my breath leaving my lips in desperate gasps that I tried to bury in the crook of my arm. 

Ruki’s tongue darted out to wet his bottom lip, his eyes fixed on the rocking of my hips, drinking me in like I was putting on a private performance that he didn’t want to end. One of his hands slid down to his jeans, fingers tracing the buckle of his belt.  

My eyes flew open. I gasped, thighs clenching, pleasure peaking—and I turned off the vibrator before I could unravel completely. 

I set it down beside me, heart still pounding while I stared at the door of my room. 

He wasn’t here. 

What the hell was that? Imagining him watching me? Imagining him enjoying it? 

I rolled over onto my side, pulling my blanket up over my nose. A new, mortifying possibility entered my mind.  

What if he had? What if Ruki had gone home and… started imagining me with it? What if he was picturing me using it right now? 

I pressed my face down into my pillow to suppress a silent scream, beating my fists and kicking my feet against my mattress. 

I never did get an orgasm nor any sleep that night. 

“What do you mean, you forgot to pick up the cake?!”

“I thought you said it’d be ready on the 9th!”

“Today is the 9th!”

Reita hooked his arm around Uruha’s neck and delivered a knuckle-scrubbing barrage to his hair, eliciting a wave of ‘sorry, sorry, sorry!’ and cries for mercy from his friend. With a groan of exasperation, Reita released the squirming guitarist from his grasp and shook his wrist. 

“It's too hot for this.” 

The bassist jabbed his finger at Uruha. “You’re coming with me.” Then he directed his finger at Ruki and me. “You, stay here and chill. Ruki, can you make something to eat? There should be some stuff in the fridge.”

Uruha combed his fingers through his hair, trying to smooth it back into place. 

“Actually, can we pick up some soda and ice cubes on the way? And pizza or something? I don’t really trust Ruki’s cooking.” 

“Sure, we can. And you can carry and pay for all of it.”    

“Aww, c’mon I already said I was sorry!”

Reita shut the front door behind them while they kept on bickering outside, leaving Ruki and I by ourselves in the hallway.  I kept my eyes on the carpet, biting my lip and fidgeting with the hem of my dress as I tried to work up the courage to glance at Ruki. 

Two weeks had passed. 

It was Sunday afternoon now. Reita had invited me to his apartment to catch up and to have a small, belated celebration for my birthday. I knew that Uruha would be joining, and I wasn’t entirely surprised to see Ruki there as well. It was usually the four of us meeting up. 

Uruha and Reita seemed oblivious to the tension between me and Ruki, which came as a relief to me. They didn’t know. He hadn’t told them anything. But he hadn’t spoken to me since our surprise encounter either and I hadn’t been able to figure out how to break the silence myself. After a long moment with neither of us moving or saying anything, Ruki spoke. 

“I’ll go see what’s in the fridge.” 

He turned around without waiting for a response from me and made his way into the kitchen. I lingered in the hallway, hesitating for a moment before slowly following him. When I entered the kitchen, Ruki stood bent over the open fridge, rummaging through its contents.    

“There’s beer. Pickles. Cheese. A lemon wedge. And beer.” He said, sounding unimpressed and uninspired as I came to stand behind him. 

I looked around the kitchen. “He’s got some eggs as well.” 

“A cucumber too. Gordon Ramsay would be titillated.” 

“Oh, there’s watermelon. Maybe we could make a salad?” 

Ruki looked up over his shoulder to toss me a dubious look. 

“You think those two are gonna eat salad?”

I laughed at his expression. 

“Maybe we could just chop it all up and turn it into a snack plate instead.” 

“My thoughts exactly.” 

Ruki and I divided the ingredients for our snack plate. I turned on the stove to cook a few eggs while he began to chop the cheese into bite-sized pieces. His face was a closed vault, betraying nothing of his inner thoughts. But he was acting natural and he had made me laugh. It felt normal. He had managed to make me feel comfortable again.  

I watched Ruki from the corner of my eye while I waited for the eggs to boil.  

Even though he was almost a head shorter than me, it never really felt like that. Despite his smaller stature, Ruki always carried himself with a quiet assurance. Solid. Steadfast. There was something unwavering about him—like a sailor maneuvering a ship in his desired course no matter the weather. He knew when to be quiet and observe the waves, and he knew how to work with the wind instead of against it. 

I wondered if he knew how much I appreciated that quality in him. 

“Could you grab the cucumber for me?”

“Sure.” 

I took the cucumber from the fridge and headed to the sink, rinsing it under a cool stream of water. Without thinking about it, I began running my hand along its length. Then I felt it. Eyes on me. Ruki’s eyes. And then I realized what it looked like.

I turned my head and saw the vocalist staring, his expression unreadable. A rush of heat surged to my cheeks. I jerked my hand back like I’d touched something hot, quickly shutting off the tap. Wordlessly, I thrust the cucumber in his direction and all but fled back to the stove, seeking refuge in the steam of the pot.

Behind me, the steady rhythm of Ruki’s knife resumed. Chop. Chop. Silence. 

Then, casually—softly—Ruki spoke.

“I’ve used them too, you know.”

I turned, blinking. “Wh-what?”

He glanced up from the cutting board. “It’s normal, right?”

I picked up a spoon and pretended to rearrange the eggs in the pot. They did not need any stirring, but it was either that or making eye contact with him. Why is he bringing this up now?! Hadn’t we just silently agreed to act like the toy incident never happened?

My brain misfired in an effort to salvage the conversation. “Using… cucumbers?”

There was a silence so heavy, it could’ve crushed bones. 

“…Toys,” Ruki said, slowly. “I meant toys.”

“Right,” I croaked. “Toys. Not cucumbers. That makes sense.”

I turned off the stove and left the eggs on the counter to cool. Then I walked over to the fridge, deciding it was of utmost importance to focus all my attention on Reita’s condiments immediately.

Ruki cleared his throat. 

“Yeah, toys. I mean, not a lot of them,” He continued, digging himself deeper in an attempt to dig himself out of his grave while I buried myself deep into Reita’s fridge. I emerged from the shelves with a jar of pickled onions, aggressively twisting and turning the lid in an attempt to distract myself from what he was saying.  

“Maybe one or two. Just, like, sometimes. You know, when the mood strikes. Not recently. Well, not that recently. I mean—” 

“Why are you telling me this?!”

“Wha—you’re the one who just got handsy with a cucumber!”

“I was washing it!” 

“I was trying to be normal about it!”

“I get it, okay!” I said too loudly, ripping the lid of the jar at last and hurling a wave of white vinegar and onions onto Ruki’s T-shirt.

There was another pause, tense like a thread pulled to its limit, before it violently snapped. 

“Fucking hell—that’s cold!” 

“Oh my God, I’m so sorry!” 

I rushed to Ruki’s side with the nearest dishtowel, dabbing at his shirt and wiping off the vinegar that had splashed onto his arms. He took the towel from me and stepped away with a light shiver, tugging at his drenched shirt to stop it from sticking to his chest.   

“It’s okay. Just leave it or it’ll get on you too. Could you go find me another shirt or something? I’ll clean up the floor first.”  

“Yes, of course, I’ll be right back!”

I hurried out of the kitchen and dashed through the apartment to find Reita’s bedroom. I had never been inside the bedroom before, but thankfully a large closet greeted me as soon as I opened the door. My hands sped through the clothing racks, haphazardly tossing T-shirts onto the bed. 

I looked around me, hesitant to open any of Reita’s dresser drawers. I wasn’t ready to accidentally uncover any forbidden relics lying around his underwear. 

“Ruki,” I called. “I’m not sure where Reita keeps his towels.” 

“Already got one, don’t worry about it.” He called back from what sounded like the bathroom.  

I sighed in relief. I was about to pick up a T-shirt for him when I noticed a pair of instruments resting against the wall beside a desk with a computer. A guitar and a bass guitar. I gently ran my fingertips down the neck of the guitar, careful not to pluck any strings. 

“Have you played before?” 

Ruki’s voice drew me back into the moment. 

I turned toward him—and felt my heart skip a beat. 

He stood in the doorway, peeling his soaked shirt off of his torso with a casualness that felt illegal. 

I didn’t know where to look—didn’t know where to not look, but my gaze had already slipped before I could stop it. My eyes skimmed over the two golden chains that hung loosely across his collarbones, the toned lines of his chest, and black ink that was etched into skin I’d never laid eyes on before. 

“P-Played what?” I stammered. 

“The guitar,” Ruki said with a faint smile, towelling off his arms and chest with slow, methodical swipes. “Unless you were eyeing something else.” 

My cheeks flared. “Oh, yeah. Uhm, I mean no, not really,” I said, quickly averting my eyes. “I was just... admiring it.”

He slung his towel over his shoulder. “Yeah, it’s pretty, right?”

“Very.” I nodded, trying my best to look composed. I swallowed and gestured towards the pile of shirts I’d left on the bed. “I wasn’t sure which one you’d wanna wear, so maybe you can pick one you like.”

Ruki stepped over to the bed. When he walked past me, I instinctively took a step back. As he pulled a black shirt off the pile, he glanced back at me over his shoulder. “You okay, by the way? I feel like I made things uncomfortable for you back there.”  

“Oh no, don’t worry about it. I just get really fired up when I’m opening jars.” I said, forcing myself to laugh. “Sorry again for getting pickle juice all over you.” 

Ruki chuckled, pulling the shirt over his head. “It’s okay. At least you didn’t beat me to death with the cucumber.”   

He stepped closer to me again, slower this time. I willed myself to risk a glance at his face and he met my gaze with a little half-smile. 

“Truce? Or should I go grab what’s left of the cucumber so you can finish the job?”

I gave him a look, but couldn’t stop the smile tugging at my own mouth. “Yeah, we’re good.”

He smiled wider and his gaze flicked to one of the guitars. “That one’s mine. Wanna try it?”

“Me? Oh no, I have no idea what to do with it.” 

“That’s how we all start,” Ruki said, walking towards the guitar. He gently set the guitar down on the bed and motioned me over. “Come here. I’ll teach you.” 

Hesitantly, I sat on the edge of the bed, and he knelt down in front of me to place the guitar in my lap. I tried to ignore the flutter in my chest when he took my hand into his and guided it towards the strings. 

“There,” he said, his voice lower now, more focused. “This is your strumming hand. Light touch, don’t tense up. Like this.”

He moved my wrist in a gentle arc, and the chords buzzed out a soft, awkward sound.

“See?”

“It sounded like a goat having a breakdown.”

Ruki grinned. “A goat who’s trying, though.”

I almost laughed, but the laugh caught in my throat when his hand moved to adjust mine on the neck of the guitar. His fingers curled lightly around mine, pressing them into position. I could feel the warmth of his palm over the back of my knuckles.

“Your fingers go here. It’s a G chord.”

I tried, but my wrist twisted awkwardly. “How do you guys make this look effortless?”

He chuckled. “It takes some getting used to. Cramped hands are nature’s way of saying you might suck a little less next week. Now try strumming. Lightly.”

I did—and this time, the note rang out clear.

“Hey, I did it!” 

“Yes, you did.” 

I tried the G chord again, slowly placing my fingers where Ruki had shown me. I strummed.

Clang.

We both blinked.

Ruki tilted his head, lips twitching. “That was…”  

“Magnificent,” I said, trying not to laugh. “I’m already better than you.”

The vocalist let out a snort and scooted a little closer on the bed. “May I?”

He gently took the guitar from me and adjusted my fingers with his own. His touch was light but precise, like he’d done this a hundred times before. I tried not to focus on how warm his hands were, or how easily he moved them over mine.

“There,” Ruki murmured. “Now try again.”

I strummed.

Slightly less clang.

He grinned. “We’re getting there. One more chord and you might summon a demon.”

I shoved him lightly in the shoulder, and he laughed again.

“I don’t know how you do this.” I said, gently laying the guitar on the bed. “You make it look so easy.”

Ruki shrugged. “I’m good with my hands.”

He hadn’t meant for it to come out sounding the way it did. 

I could tell as soon as the air shifted. We were both still smiling, but his smile lost a little of its playfulness. He looked at me, his eyes flicking up to mine, down to my mouth and back to my eyes again. 

I felt the hitch in my breathing, suddenly aware of how close we were. 

His hand was resting on the bed between us, fingers splayed loosely like he hadn’t noticed how near they were to my thigh. And then, as if realizing it at the same moment I did, he slowly drew his hand back.

“Did you like the way it felt though?” He asked softly, lowering his gaze to his guitar. His fingers traced one of the strings. 

I looked down as well, nodding slowly. “...I did.” 

His fingers slipped from the guitar strings and he carefully slid his hand back onto the bed, leaning in just a fraction closer, but enough to make my pulse quicken. 

“...would you like to keep going then?” 

“HONEY, I’M HOME!” 

A door slammed and the sound of plastic shopping bags being tossed around and shoes getting kicked off filled the apartment. 

Both of our shoulders jolted in response. Ruki stared at me, his lips parting just enough to reveal a flicker of uncertainty—like he was caught between words and something else.  

“You wanna… go eat some cake?” He asked finally, his voice sounding lower now, as if his throat felt tight. 

I nodded quickly, suddenly feeling out of breath.

“Yeah, let’s go eat some cake.” 

“Happy belated birthday! Check out what I got you.” 

Uruha beamed, presenting a small white bunny in a blue dress to me in the palm of his hand. 

“You got her a kid’s toy?” Ruki commented from the couch. 

“No, it’s Miffy.” Uruha retorted, shaking the plush keychain. “Everyone loves Miffy.” 

“Thank you, Uruha. I think it’s really cute.” I said, taking the plushie from him.  

Reita handed Ruki a plate with a slice of cake, tilting his head when he got close to him. “Why are you wearing my shirt?” 

“We had a mild pickle juice accident.” 

“Is that why the kitchen smells weird? Seriously, I can’t leave any of you guys alone for five minutes.”

“Don’t be mad, Reita. Ruki was just a little clumsy.” I said as I took a seat on the couch beside him. 

“Clumsy?” Ruki repeated around a mouthful of cake, turning his head to give me a look. “I was the clumsy one?” 

“Yes, you were.” I said, returning the look. “With your words.”

“Was I now? That’s funny. That’s not exactly how I remember it.” 

“Really? I remember a lot of babbling and unnecessary information.”

The corners of Ruki’s mouth twitched as if he had trouble suppressing the urge to grind his teeth into his fork. He finished the last bite of his cake and set down his plate on his knee. 

“You know what, you have a point actually.” He said calmly. “I shouldn’t have made assumptions when I could’ve just asked you directly for your opinion first.” 

It was then that I saw the devil light up behind Ruki’s eyes. 

He flashed me a smile so diabolical it stripped all the color from my face. I knew instantly what it meant. I threw a quick glance at the others and furiously shook my head at him. You can’t be serious. Seriously, no. You can’t do this to me. 

Ruki grinned in a way that said he was definitely doing this to me. He was going to play a song that was never meant to be released to the public - a special song that he had written just for me. The vocalist turned his whole body to face me and propped himself up on his elbow, resting the side of his head comfortably in his palm. 

“So how do you like your new toy?” He asked.  

Evil bastard.

“I-I already said I liked the plushie Uruha gave me.” I replied, struggling to look casual. 

My eyes dug into him like knives, like he was the embodiment of pure sin, desperate to carve out a sliver of mercy.  

“No, not this one.” Ruki said, looking like the picture of innocence as he reached for the little bunny resting in my lap. He held it up in his hand, gently stroking his thumb over its head in a circular motion that could only be described as unholy.   

“I meant your other toy. You know, the one I saw you buying in Akihabara the other day.”

“Oh that.” I scoffed, forcing a light laugh. “That was… That was just a boring game. It was nothing special.” 

I waved my hand dismissively, pretending to be totally disinterested, as if the conversation was already boring me. 

The corners of Ruki’s lips twitched upwards. 

“Really? I thought you looked pretty eager to try it.” 

The moment the words left his mouth, I felt heat rushing to my cheeks. There was a low, almost imperceptible dip in his tone—provocative and so subtle it could only be perceived by the two of us. Our eyes locked and the way he watched me made it feel unusually intimate. The longer I considered his words, the heavier they felt and I could no longer tell whether he had only said them to get a rise out of me or if there was some truth to them. 

Had he been thinking about it?

Picturing it?

Picturing me—

“I didn’t know you were into gaming.” Uruha suddenly chimed in. 

The tension snapped like a rubber band. I startled slightly, horrified and grateful all at once. This was good. This could be my salvation. If Uruha could steer the conversation towards actual video games, perhaps I could stop playing Ruki’s horrifying little mind game. 

“What kind of stuff do you like to play?” Uruha continued. 

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“Like what genre.” 

“Oh, uhm,” I hesitated. I didn’t actually know much about video games. “It doesn’t matter. Anything.”

Ruki raised an eyebrow at that, tossing me a crooked grin. Kinky. He mouthed at me. 

I shot him a look that could've shattered a window.

Before I could think of something to change the subject, Uruha leaned in excitedly.

“Do you like multiplayer games? We should play together sometime!” 

I nearly choked on air. 

Ruki’s grin lit up like Christmas morning, the evil barely contained.  

“I think she’s more of a… single-player enthusiast. Isn’t that right?” He said smoothly, glancing at me with a smile that made me want to throw another jar of pickles at him.

I cleared my throat. “Yeah. I, uh… prefer playing alone.” 

“I get that, though.” Ruki said, grinning at Uruha. “I wouldn’t want to play with Uruha either. He never really knows what he’s doing.” 

“Hey! I’ll kick your ass any time of day.” 

Reita hummed, rubbing his chin. “I dunno. Isn’t multiplayer more fun though? More people. More options. Mix things up.” 

Ruki’s smile turned thoughtful. 

“I think it can be better sometimes. Going at your own pace. But it does get kinda predictable after a while, doesn’t it? Just doing your own thing. Going through the motions by yourself.” 

His eyes slid back to me and he rested his chin on his hand as he gazed up at me, voice laced with double meaning. 

“I mean, isn’t it more exciting… when someone else joins in?”

“Yeah, teamwork really enhances the experience,” Uruha agreed, sipping his soda like a man watching a very chill documentary.

“I’m fine playing solo,” I croaked, not knowing how much longer I could hold on.

Ruki only smiled wider, like he had only just gotten warmed up. 

“Well, if you ever want company…” he said, stroking Miffy’s ear with one finger in a way that had no business looking suggestive, “...I’d be happy to lend a hand. Or two.” 

Uruha nodded, utterly serious.

“Yeah, Ruki’s actually pretty good at co-op.”

“Very hands-on,” Reita added. 

“Great with timing too. Like, perfectly in sync. You don’t even have to ask. He just knows what you need.”

“Yeah, and he’ll keep going even when everyone else taps out—he just goes harder.”

Ruki bit down on his knuckles, trying desperately to contain his laughter. 

I made a strangled sound that I thought passed for a laugh but might have been my spirit leaving my body. 

Still trying to be helpful, Uruha went on brightly, “Oh you know what? If you don’t want to play yet, maybe you could just watch us for a while!”

Ruki turned to me, visibly on the brink of losing it. 

“I wouldn’t mind that.” He said, barely managing to keep a straight face, voice low and anything but decent. “I could show you some techniques. Nice, slow demonstration…” 

“Yeah, you wouldn’t even have to do much at first,” Uruha continued thoughtfully. “Just, like, observe. See how we do it.”

“Yeah, that could be fun.” Reita agreed. “I’ll ask Aoi and Kai if they wanna join in too.” 

Ruki practically vibrated with suppressed laughter, like Beelzebub trying to break free during an exorcism. 

I muttered something about needing to go to the bathroom and fled before one of them could suggest something even worse. 

I rested my head against the wall, sighing at Tokyo’s skyline. 

The balcony had a nice view. I could see the sun setting. Lights reflected off the buildings. Blinking headlights of tiny cars moved across roads and bridges. You could even catch the bright, orange silhouette of Tokyo Tower in the distance without squinting your eyes too much. 

It was a very peaceful sight until Ruki poked his head out the door. 

“I thought you might be hiding out here.” 

“You do realize I am this close to throwing you off the building, right?” 

“Should I go get the cucumber?” 

“Not gonna work this time.”

Ruki scratched the back of his head. “I’m sorry. I went a little too far back there.” 

He closed the door and leaned against the wall beside me. I folded my arms and kept my eyes on the sky. 

“I act like an idiot when I get agitated sometimes.” He admitted, lowering his eyes to the ground. He gave me a sideways glance. 

“I know it’s no excuse, but I think you might’ve accidentally struck a chord with me.” He paused for a moment, like he was carefully choosing his next words. 

“I did mention that it might summon a demon…”

I snorted despite myself, not meaning to let the sound slip. 

“I hope you’re not trying to ask for my forgiveness by insulting my G chord.”

“I would never. Your G chord was magnificent.”

“Way better than yours.”

“Of course.” 

Ruki smiled at me before turning his attention back to the city. 

“...you know I wouldn’t have actually said anything to them about it, right?”

“...I know.” 

“I stayed up all night that night, you know. Couldn’t sleep. I tried to write like a hundred text messages to try to put your mind at ease, but I just couldn’t figure out what to say.” 

I smiled a little. 

“Good.” 

Ruki grinned at me, elbowing me gently in the side. He pushed himself off the wall, hooking his thumbs into the front pockets of his jeans. 

“Do you want me to give you a ride home?” 

I glanced at the sunset in the distance, feeling the chill of the evening breeze brush past my arms. 

“Yeah, sure, if you don’t mind.”

We said goodnight to Uruha and Reita and promised to catch up again soon. When Uruha brought up hosting a game night at his house, Ruki suggested going to an arcade and karaoke instead. 

It rained a little on the way to my apartment. The rain had stopped by the time we pulled up to the curb outside my building, but the windshield still wore specks of water, catching the glow of streetlamps like tiny halos. Ruki flicked off the wipers. I unbuckled my seatbelt, but didn’t reach for the door yet. 

I held the Miffy plush in my lap, turning my head to give him a smile. “Thanks for the ride.”

“No problem.” He said, returning the smile, but only partially, like there was something else he had on his mind. He tapped his finger against the steering wheel. Once. Twice. Then stilled. 

“Would you…” Ruki started, then looked out the window like there was a note somewhere that said whatever he was supposed to say next. There wasn’t. Just a parked bike and an old cat waddling down the sidewalk. 

I tilted my head. “Would I what?” 

“Would you wanna do it again?” He blurted. “Practice the guitar, I mean.” 

“Oh…” I blinked. “Uhm, yeah. It was fun. But aren’t you guys going to be really busy soon?” 

“I’ll make time. If you want.” He said, quicker than I expected. 

I looked down at my lap, fumbling with the plush in my hands. My gaze flicked up to meet his for the briefest moment before darting away again.

“Just the two of us?” 

Ruki glanced back at me, looking a little surprised.   

My cheeks warmed, and I quickly looked away, expecting him to take full advantage of it. But instead he remained quiet for a moment, and then answered seriously. 

“Yes.” He said, voice soft. “Just the two of us.”

The moment stretched between us, heavy with something unspoken. I could feel his eyes on me while he waited. My lips parted tentatively. 

“Okay.” I said.

Ruki’s eyes lit up. 

“Okay.” He repeated with a soft smile. 

“Where though?” I asked then. 

He looked at me questioningly. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean, we were in Reita’s bedroom earlier. It was a little…" I trailed off, trying to hide the deepening blush on my face. "Never mind.”

Ruki smiled slowly, as if he understood my concern. 

“Wherever you want.” He reassured me. “I can come to your place or you can come to mine. Or we could go somewhere else. Wherever you feel most comfortable.” 

He grinned to himself, as if the funniest thought suddenly crossed his mind. 

“I mean if it makes you feel more comfortable, we could practice in the kitchen…” 

I made a face at him, trying my hardest not to crack a smile. 

“Stop.”

“Or in the bathtub...”

“Ruki.”

“What? All I’m saying is, I’ll go with you wherever you want. I can go at your speed. I’m also waterproof. I’m great with beginners and—” 

“I’m getting the cucumber.” 

“So, you think they’re gonna bang?” Reita asked as he passed Uruha a cold bottle of beer. 

“Those two? No way. Well, not tonight anyway.”

“You think either of them noticed you at the store back then?”

“Nah.” Uruha shook his head, digging his hand around a bag of M&M’s. “They were too busy watching each other die inside. I could feel the tension. It was epic. Almost made me wanna go grab some popcorn.”

“The vibrator looked like fun though.” The guitarist continued. “Not as impressive as that dragon schlong she got me by accident a few years ago, but still. I bet she’ll put it to good use after all the fuss tonight if you know what I mean.”

Reita quirked an eyebrow at him. “You still have that thing?”

“Yeah. I keep it under my mattress in case a burglar tries to break into my house. Did you know it lights up like a lightsaber?”

“You’re fucking weird.”

“I’m frugal and it has sentimental value, okay?”