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Even monsters have feelings

Summary:

The consequences of a joint, dangerous mission could not be starker than what Judai goes through. Although they escape with their lives, a rift opens up between him and Johan that seems unbridgeable. It prompts Judai to resort to drastic measures.

Notes:

The idea for this OS came to me for the Darkness theme of SpritishippingWeek 2024. As with “The First” and “Spirits”, this should become a series. And there are more OSs planned, but it will probably be some time before I get around to writing them down.

My heartfelt thanks go to Iamhope for her time to beta this OS and all her awesome suggestions for improvement and her patience and input when we talk about future projects or share ideas.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

“Johan, let me help you.” Judai's pleading words are ignored, and his helping hand is slapped away. But he tries again, as his voice cracks a bit, “Johan!”

“Judai... could you leave me alone tonight?”

The request hits him completely unexpectedly, like a door shut in his face. They haven't slept apart, not ever since they became a couple. Whenever Judai stops by Johan's place, which has become increasingly often the case, they have always shared a bed, as Yubel is only too happy to rub in his face. Nevertheless, with this sudden request, Judai rationalizes: This is still Johan's house, and I respect his wishes.

“If that's what you want.” He replies, trying not to show the hurt, as it would be unfair to Johan.

“Thank you,” Johan mumbles, opening his bedroom door, and he steps inside. Without looking back, he adds a quiet “Good night” before closing the door.

Judai looks blankly at the spot where Johan was standing for a long time. When he snaps out of it, he turns away, and marches into the bathroom, at the other end. He grits his teeth, as he takes off his jacket and the sweater underneath, and lets it fall to the floor. He glances over his shoulder in the mirror and grimaces. There is a deep cut running diagonally from his shoulder to his hip, this is the result of a sword. If he looks closely, he can see his bones in some places, although his powers are already working hard to heal the injury. A wound he sustained while protecting Johan from the Rare Hunter, who refused to accept defeat.

With averted eyes, Judai also removes his jeans and briefs. Then he gets into the shower and turns on the water. He closes the doors and tilts his head back. Clenching his teeth, he lets the warm water flow over his body while his mind wanders.

Who would have thought that we would run straight into the arms of a Rare Hunter! Judai had assumed that Kaiba Corp had taken down the whole organization. Either they overlooked this nutcase, or he has only lost his mind in the last few years. But even more absurdly is the fact that he had a copy of the Winged Dragon of Ra! And instead of being grateful that the golden dragon obeyed him, this hunter only trampled on its loyalty. And as if that wasn't bad enough, he took Johan hostage, and went after him with a sword. Judai acted instinctively for a fraction of a second, just one careless second! But it was more than enough to make him lose control of his powers.

Judai slams his fist against the tiles and lowers his head. The wound on his back burns like fire, but nothing hurts nearly as much as his heart does, whose encrusted wounds have reopened. If he closes his eyes, he can see the horrified expression in Johan's eyes, and hear the Rare Hunter's screams, before he disappears into the depths of the black mist that has shot out of Judai's body. Remembering the expression on Johan’s face, Judai clenched his fists tighter, thinking: The Rare Hunter is lucky I didn't tear him to pieces for his attack on Johan!

“Judai, you're freezing up completely,” Yubel's voice warns, snapping him out of his thoughts. Biting his lower lip, he turns off the water. Cautiously, he opens the shower screen, and steps onto the tiled floor. He grabs one of the fluffy towels, and wraps it around his waist. Then he kneels down in front of the small bathroom cabinet under the sink, and takes out the first aid kit, containing the bandages that Johan stocks up on as a precaution before each of his visits. His eyes begin to glow orange and turquoise as he opens the box. Judai feels the presence of his guardian appearing behind him. Without exchanging a word, he hands her the widest, thickest bandage he can find, before standing up and spreading his arms out to either side.

“Neos would be a better choice for this task,” Yubel grumbles, trying not to damage the bandage, despite her claws, as she wraps it around Judai's torso as carefully as she could. And she adds quietly, as though unsure if to say so or not, “Johan would be even better.”

“I know,” Judai mutters through clenched teeth. He tries to bear the pain by breathing deeply. So, he is all the happier when Yubel lets go of him and examines him closely. He can literally hear what she is thinking, but he is in no mood to argue that evening. Right now, he just wants to fall into bed and forget the whole disaster. He would rather this have never happened, but unfortunately, he doesn't have the power to said events.

As Yubel retreats back into his soul, he takes his things and leaves the bathroom to return to the guest room. The door slams shut behind him, and his tattered clothes slip out of his hands, only to remain in a heap beside him. Standing in the middle of the room, he is rooted to the spot. The room is completely empty of personal belongings, he realizes unhelpfully. There are no pictures, books or anything else to indicate that the room is being used. The wardrobes are completely empty, and even the abandoned, cold and single bed looks to Judai as if it has never been touched. He shivers and barely suppresses the impulse to flee.

Instead, he squares his shoulders and marches towards the bed, sinking onto its edge with a sigh. Then he tilts to one side, and stares at the white wall, which he can see clearly despite the darkness. With one last deep breath, he lets his heavy eyelids fall.

When, after half an hour, he still hasn't fallen asleep, he opens his eyes again. With a pained gasp, he turns onto his other side and rolls over. Unconsciously, his hand runs over the comforter before his fingers claw into the rough fabric. But despite the many more attempts to finally sleep, he sits up with a frustrated sigh. He pushes himself to the edge of the bed, and then stands up. Barefoot and inaudible, he sneaks back to the bathroom, where he grabs Johan's bathrobe and wraps himself in it. Then he roams the house cat-like. First, down the stairs to the first floor, along the hallway to get to the living room, and then, to the patio door, where Judai opens it and leaves the house. The garden that Johan has created is a paradise of flowers and vegetables. At any other time, Judai would make himself comfortable there, but not at this hour. He purposefully leaves Johan's property and climbs down the rock to get to the beach. In an alcove that is difficult to see, he settles down. Drawing his legs up to his chest, he stares out at the waves. The spray of the water dampens him, but Judai doesn't mind.

-GX-

With heavy limbs and burning eyes, Judai drags himself back into the house, yawning. In the hallway, he pauses in front of the wardrobe mirror, and examines himself through narrowed eyes. His eyes are swollen and red, and he also seems to have a slight sunburn, as his cheeks, nose and forehead are red. The otherwise expressive eyes are almost completely covered by his eyelids. Brown, two-tone hair sticks out in all directions, and his bathrobe is full of sand, that begins to scatter everywhere.

“Uhh, Johan is killing me,” he croaks with a dry throat, as he looks behind him with the help of the mirror. Then he shrugs his shoulders and stumbles into the kitchen, where the noises are coming from. He leans against the doorframe with his arms crossed and simply watches. Johan is standing in front of the kitchen counter with his back to him and appears to be making tea.

“Good morning,” Judai mumbles in a strained voice. His eyes widen as Johan flinches and tenses up.

“M-morning.”

Judai's fingers claw into the soft fabric of the bathrobe as he feels his heart tightening painfully and his stomach clenching. Whatever Johan's problem was, he had hoped it would go away overnight.

As Johan eyes him over his shoulders, his gaze falls on the bandage, visible through the shifting of the bathrobe. With nausea climbing up his throat, he watches as Johan widens his pretty eyes and bites his lower lip at the same time. Horror and... what seems to be like guilt? – are reflected in them, before he averts his gaze. After this, the Norwegian is no longer able to look at Judai. When they speak to each other, Johan always looks to the side or beyond him.

Their intimacy with each other is also gone. As soon as Judai is in the same room, Johan tenses up. At first, he dismissed it by thinking that Johan didn't want to hurt him any further, or that he was still traumatized by almost being killed with a sword. But sooner or later, he can no longer excuse his behavior, especially not when he rolls restlessly from side to side in the small bed in the dark of the night, and a voice whispers in his ear: You are a danger to Johan. His wound on the back has healed completely and has not even left a scar, this, he can thank Yubel for.

At first, he has tried to ignore the voice. But with every rejection, it becomes louder and more insistent. Despite everything, Judai tries not to give up, and to bridge the wall that Johan has erected between them. He begins with hugs, which Johan immediately wriggles out of just like an eel. The brown-haired man then tries kissing him. But Johan rejects him with the words “not now” or “I'm not in the mood”. But the real rift comes when he realizes that Johan has completely removed him from their room, and therefore, from their bed.

Days go by in which they only speak to each other when necessary. Judai feels increasingly uncomfortable. The warm, welcoming atmosphere in which he felt at home from day one, now, threatens to overwhelm him. And if he feels like this, he doesn't even want to imagine what Johan must be going through. His inner voice is impossible to ignore. The words that repeat themselves more and more often in his head, even during the day, gradually settle in his heart: “You are a monster that destroys everything good. A danger that is better eliminated!”

Exactly one week after the disaster, Judai wants to go to the bathroom in the evening to relieve himself. There, he literally stumbles over a freshly showered, naked Johan. His mouth waters and hot shivers of excitement make his body tremble. With a barely swallowed groan, he tries to straighten his trousers, while Johan first turns bright red, and then, pale as chalk.

Before Judai can open his mouth, Johan pushes past him, and slams the door to his room shut again. The slamming of the door shatters Judai's world, cracking his heart and part of his soul along with it. With blank eyes, he collapses powerlessly. After a few moments, a hysterical giggle fights its way up his throat, and finally bubbles out of his mouth.

Judai has naively believed that he had found a love that was not only everlasting, but also unconditional. But he should have learned from his childhood. His parents had also loved and had spent time with him, until the day he started seeing dueling spirits, and the neighborhood kids ended up hospitalized. Then, they just sent him to a psychiatric ward, which involved several months of treatment. After his release, he hardly ever saw his parents, let alone exchanged a word with them. Contact finally broke off completely, when he applied for the Duel Academy. Although his parents paid for his private school education without a second thought, they made it clear that he was no longer welcome. That's why he spent all his semester breaks on the island.

“I really am a monster that destroys everything,” he whispers to himself. He doesn't know where he finds the strength to get up. As if in a trance, he goes to the bathroom and relieves himself, before returning to the guest room. There he falls into the bed, without any strength left, and closes his weary eyes.

When he opens his empty eyes hours later, everything has changed. Instead of continuing to try to overcome the emotional and physical distance between himself and Johan, he now increases it by not entering any room Johan is in, or leaving the room immediately, when Johan enters it. But instead of leaving it at that, Judai goes even further. He prevents any kind of contact, whether with his monsters or with humans. Only Yubel gets through to him, and only because she is in his soul, and in his head. And even then, Judai ignores her, until she literally grabs him by the collar and forces him to look her in the eye.

“Pull yourself together,” she hisses at him.

He returns her look coldly, and frees himself from her grip. Then he goes to the closet where all his things are now, and throws them on the bed. He does the same with all the things that belong to him, and the things that he didn't get from Johan. He methodically stuffs everything into his suitcase, which he also takes out of the wardrobe.

“So, you've decided to run away?” Yubel sneers from the bed.

Judai takes a deep breath. Sure, from the outside, it really looks like he's running away. But in reality, he's doing it for Johan. This is the Norwegian's home, and he is restricted in its use, so he stays out late more and more often. Added to this is the strain that drapes over Johan like a dark curtain. It is neither good for the body nor for the soul. Sooner or later, things will escalate between them. And before Johan kicks him out, he leaves voluntarily.

“You shouldn't jump to conclusions and talk to him again.”

“Yubel, how many times have I tried that?” retorts Judai, who remembers only too well the distraught expression in the emerald eyes. “Believe me, it's better this way.”

“Don't you at least want to say goodbye?” Yubel just doesn't give up, causing him a headache. You pull out a sore tooth before it can do any more damage! Why is she objecting so strongly?

The ringing of his smartphone, which is still hanging on the small bedside table by the charging cable, snaps him out of his thoughts. Nevertheless, he is grateful for the interruption.

Judai looks at the display with a raised eyebrow after picking up the phone. In the past, he would have simply taken the call, but since he has been traveling the world and helping so many people, he needs to know in advance who he is dealing with. As a result, he is very surprised by this call. How did they get his number?

“Yuki.” Short and to the point. In a matter of fact, businesslike tone.

“Judai-chan?” a woman's voice asks uncertainly, causing Judai to roll his eyes. Who else would it be?

“Hai.”

“Oh. Your voice has changed. You sound so grown up...”

“Why are you calling?” Judai interrupts the woman. If she had been genuinely interested in him, she would have been there for him.

“Ah, well... It's about our apartment.”

Just the mention of those lonely four walls, where he's been locked up for so many years gives him goosebumps. He hasn't set foot in the apartment, not ever since he was admitted to the Duel Academy, and if he has it his way, he won't be going back there at all.

“What about it?” he asks disinterestedly.

“We've been transferred overseas and no longer need the apartment. That's why we want to sell it.”

“Okay.”

“M-might you come home and see if you want to take some of your old stuff?” For the first time, his mother sounds unsure. “W-we'd love to s-see you.”

There's nothing left that he really wants to hang on to. He took all the things he ever cared about with him to the Duel Academy, and he no longer feels the need to meet his parents either. How often did he sit in the kitchen or living room as a child and wish his parents were with him? His wishes were also disregarded. Why should he bow to the wishes of people who had no interest in him?

“Judai-chan?”

Tormented, he closes his eyes. He massages the bridge of his nose, then sighs loudly. A definitive conclusion...

“Fine then. I'll be there in two days.”

“Do you remember the little restaurant on the corner? Where we used to eat for your birthday?”

Ha, my ass. It might have been like that when I was a toddler. But after my fifth birthday, I was always alone! Judai bites his lower lip to keep from voicing his thoughts. “Sakura's family restaurant?”

“Yes, exactly that,” his mother replies, whose amusement he can hear in her voice.

“In two days, then. For lunch at Sakura's.” Without waiting for confirmation, he hangs up and throws his cell phone on the bed.

Judai leaves that very night without saying anything to Johan or leaving a message. His flight takes him straight to Japan, to the long-awaited meeting with his parents, before he returns to his task of traveling around the world.

-GX-

Judai has debated with himself for a long time, but finally decides to attend Asuka's graduation party, to which he has been invited. He has even changed his clothes for the occasion, as the party is being held in a very famous hotel in America.

Dressed in black dress pants and a burgundy silk shirt with the top two buttons undone, he enters the hall discreetly. His eyes, which are more gold than brown, look around and realize that all their friends are present. Even Johan! With a wistful, longing look at the Crystal Beast Duelist, he reaches for a glass of champagne, and then he sneaks invisibly to the patio door. He breathes a sigh of relief as he steps into the darkness, which welcomes him warmly, and makes him feel at home. Judai leans against the balustrade and observes what is happening inside.

The guest of honor is in the company of Fubuki and Jim, who are sitting to the left and chatting. Not far from them stands Manjome, clutching his glass so tightly that it will shatter at any moment. His black eyes stare grimly at the back of Jim's head. Judai has no doubt that the Australian would have dropped dead, if looks could kill. Standing next to the company heir is Sho, who has placed a hand on Manjome's arm in a placating gesture.

On the other side of the hall, by the buffet, are Johan, Edo and Kenzan. While the Dino Deck Duelist fills his stomach and occasionally makes comments, Edo and Johan talk animatedly about something Kenzan is showing them on his smartphone.

Judai raises an eyebrow when he notices the stealthy glances Edo keeps throwing over his shoulder. Curious, he follows the gaze, only to suck in a sharp breath. At first, he thinks Edo is staring at him, but then he notices Ryo and O'Brien, who are standing in the room, a few meters away from him, and are silent.

Seems like I don't have to worry about anyone anymore, Judai thinks, relief spreading through him, dispelling the pain he feels at the sight of Johan. Each of them has found his or her way. I can leave them to their own devices now.

The Hero Duelist turns away from the hall and looks at the full moon. He rests his hands on the railing and leans forward a little. In the past few months that he has been separated from Johan, he had to think about Nightshroud's words again and again; precisely because he has completed his self-appointed mission. There is no one left who needs help in seeing Duel Spirits, let alone someone who denies their existence. Not least because Kaiba Corp has started using duel energy as a power source. The program is still in its fledgling stages, but Judai has no doubt that the company will be successful.

However, it leaves him without a job, and now, also without duties, and without a home. This gives him one more reason to implement the idea that has grown inside him. At least it ensures that his friends are safe, and that he can no longer hurt Johan. When he feels Yubel's encouragement, a small smile creeps onto his lips. Judai understands it won't be easy, and that he has a lot to make up for, but it will be worth all the blood, sweat and tears, when he's done.

“Judai?”

Warm fingers touch his upper arm, making him jump. Even as he turns to face Asuka, he puts as much distance between himself and her as the balcony allows. Inwardly, he curses himself for being so deep in thought that he has completely blocked out his surroundings. His retreat also leads to a mishap that he hadn't anticipated. The champagne glass he hadn't touched falls to the floor with a clink after he bumps it with his elbow.

“A-ah Asuka,” he greets back hesitantly. Judai puts on a small, forced smile that doesn't reach his eyes. “I've heard that congratulations are in order.” The truth is that on his escape route, he snuck past Rei, who had excitedly told Sho about the romantic wedding proposal she had involuntarily witnessed.

He notices Asuka's glowing red face with genuine amusement. She soothes her light blue tulle dress with one hand while the other plays with a strand of hair.

“Jim is down-to-earth and reliable. You couldn't have made a better choice.”

“Thank you very much. It means a lot to me that you approve of this match,” Asuka says with a soft smile.

“Huh? Why?” Judai tilts his head. Why is my opinion so important to her? He's not her brother or another family member. Besides, they haven't had much contact with each other in recent years. It's not that he hasn't visited her at university when he's been in America, but that's about it.

“And what about you?” Instead of answering his question, she asks him a follow-up question.

Judai grimaces, and wraps his arms around his torso. Then, he turns away from her and looks up at the starry sky. Out of the corner of his eye, he notices a movement that makes him flinch violently and causes him to put even more distance between them. Nausea rises in him, which he fights with violent gulps.

“Ah.” He clears his throat. His shaky hands claw into the silk fabric. “T-there's no one. I think...” He swallows the lump in his throat and stares stubbornly straight ahead. “It's for the best.”

“Judai,” Asuka whispers with a mixture of horror and pity. She reaches out for him again and he backs off once more. This time, the blonde doesn't let it go. She looks at him and he can literally hear her brain working. When she turns as pale as the wall, he shudders. “Judai... have you been physically...?”

“What? No!”

“Then why are you so on guard and avoiding any physical contact?”

He opens his mouth, and then closes it again, without a single word passing his lips. What could he say? No justification in the world would be good enough in her eyes. Besides, it would spoil the happy mood. Something that is not worth it in Judai's eyes. So, he puts on a brave smile and waves it off. Or rather, he has intended to wave it off, but as soon as he raises his hand, his eyes widen and a sharp pulse of pain races through his nerves. His hand claws into the red shirt over his heart before he leans forward and braces himself against the balustrade with his other hand.

“Judai!”

His ears ring and his vision blurs. All his senses come online and are sharpened to the extreme. That's why he doesn't miss the fact that Asuka's exclamation has summoned other people to the balcony. Their gazes make his skin crawl.

“Is everything all right?”

Johan? No, that's Jim's voice, Judai thinks, surprised that he's able to think at all. His nerves feel as if hot lava is flowing through them. In the past few weeks, he has often had to deal with attacks like this. But so far, they have never been so severe that he has barely been able to stay on his feet. And to think this is happening how in front of his friends, of all people!

“Aah. I-It's... g-going to be okay,” Judai croaks, opening one eye with difficulty and staring into the distance. “Yubel?”

“I-I feel it too. A strong surge... of duel energy,” Yubel replies in his thoughts. “Several times stronger than anything before.”

Judai bites his bottom lip. They haven't been able to figure out where this mass of energy is coming from, despite the many incidents. However, they have been too busy trying to reseal the dimension passageways that have opened all over the world.

“J-Judai... your eyes...” Groaning, Judai straightens up, and looks through his bangs at Asuka, who backs away from him with a hand in front of her mouth. “T-they glow... golden!”

Ah, that explains it, Judai thinks, calmly turning away from her, and looking up at the sky, which has changed color. Although they know of his powers and have seen him use them, they have never been able to look him in the face...

“T-the Supreme... King is back?”

Judai reels at this. Haou was never gone! But explaining all that would take too much time and energy. Both of which he doesn't have right now. His instincts are screaming in the back of his head that he needs to put distance between himself and the people in his immediate vicinity, and he would be an idiot if he ignored his own intuition. With shaky legs that want to give way, he climbs onto the railing.

“If you don't want to be dragged into it, go back and lock the doors!”

He doesn't like it, but at this moment, he is making use of their fear of Haou. But at least they follow his words, and he can concentrate fully on the light...

“Did you just come to Asuka's party to disrupt the celebration?” Manjome's voice booms through the unnatural silence.

Oh wow. If he hadn't known from the start what his friends thought of him, this implication would have hurt. Instead, he just finds it ridiculous and unworthy of a response. Instead, he watches as the sudden aurora deforms and creates a tunnel. All at once, the pain disappears and an inner calm spread through Judai.

Looks like we're going home, he says mentally to Yubel, who agrees with him.

“Hey, I'm talking to you!” He hears stomping footsteps approaching him. “Did you break down the Dimensional Barriers with your powers?”

Suddenly, a curtain of light shoots down, separating Judai from the rest. Out of the corner of his eye, he watches Manjome and Jim pound their fists against the wall. At the same time, they demand answers. Judai notices that Johan is also in the crowd, silently watching the goings-on. If he wanted further proof that Johan sees him like the others, he now has it. It confirms that he has made the right decision.

“I'm sorry to disappoint your expectations of me. I have nothing to do with this,” explains Judai, sitting up and closing his eyes. A square amethyst appears in the center of his forehead, encased in a golden band that wraps around his head. “But this? It only suits me.”

“What are you up to now?” Manjome wants to know.

“Judai?” In contrast to Jun's accusatory tone, Asuka sounds more concerned.

“Your Highness, it's time to come home.”

When he hears the now familiar voice, a smile spreads across his lips. He has always heard it, whenever there has been a surge of dueling energy. Home, huh? A real home where he is welcome, regardless of what he has ever done or will ever do. How could he turn that down? His body glows briefly and as the light fades, the Supreme King stands before them. The black and gold armor glistens in the light, overshadowing the gold jewelry Judai wears. He directs his golden eyes towards the Dimensional Tube, as he answers Manjome's question.

“I'll make sure no more monsters enter this dimension. After all...” Judai eyes his friends with a stern look. “They are a danger and should not exist in this world. From now on, Earth should be safe.”

With a final, meaningful glance at Johan, whose emerald-colored eyes grow dilated, he turns his back on them completely. Then his body begins to glow golden, before disintegrating into golden particles, that are drawn into the pillar of colored light, and then, disappear in a blinding explosion.

Notes:

Trauma can make you act irrationally. Sometimes you don't even realize how irrational or hurtful you are acting. Or you don't even realize that you have a “problem”.
And when you consider what both Judai experienced throughout his school years and Johan in his third year, it would be naïve to believe that it didn't leave invisible scars.