Chapter Text
“I’m sorry, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I–I never received any email from you. I checked and double checked–”
“Is there any chance it went into your spam folder?”
“I checked the spam folder, too! I never received an email from your office!”
“Mr. Walsh, I have here a record of you calling our office and verbally declining your acceptance to our program.”
“W-what?”
“I have on record–”
“No, I heard you. But I never called–because I didn’t even know I had been accepted–”
“I don’t know what to tell you, Mr. Walsh. The record is right here in front of me. I have your decline of acceptance on May 8th, you called our office and said you would not be attending…
Connor stares blankly at his phone screen, where it sits on the counter. The smiling faces of Oliver and himself, with their arms wrapped around each other, faces pressed together, grinning widely and looking happier than Connor had ever imagined possible–they stare back at him. The background of his phone garners him light teasing from Michaela and Asher, every time they catch a glimpse of it. But he never cared because it always brought a smile to his face every time he looked at his phone. Except now. Now the faces on the screen mock him. Because he feels like a fool. And he can’t understand how they got to this point. How could they have fallen so far, in so little time?
He hears a key slide into the door behind him, and he knows Oliver is home. And he closes his eyes, bracing himself for the inevitable fight… possibly their worst one to date. The fight hasn’t even begun, and it already feels like they’re over.
“I’m home!” Oliver calls out as he closes the door behind him. He sees Connor’s back facing him where he stands near the counter. But the other man doesn’t turn at his greeting. He steps closer, wondering what could possibly be so engaging that Connor doesn’t even turn around, or speak to acknowledge his presence.
“Hey! What’s going on?” Oliver peeks around Connor’s shoulder, at the screen of his laptop where his gaze is affixed. And then he sees it.
Stanford Law School - Office of Admissions.
The highlighted phone number at the bottom of the screen glares out at him, and he feels the blood slowly drain from his face.
“Connor,” he whispers softly. His voice sounds hoarse, and his throat suddenly feels incredibly dry. And all the breath seems to have gone from his lungs.
Finally, the other man slowly turns to look at him. And it’s all written plainly on his face: the hurt, and betrayal. And he knows Connor knows.
Connor stares at him, at this wonderful man that he loves so much, the man that he thought he knew better than he knows himself, and he can’t understand why Oliver has done this, to him–to them.
“Why?” He asks softly.
“I’m so sorry,” Oliver whispers. “I–I know it was wrong… I just–”
“Why?” Connor asks again, his voice harder this time. “Why did you do it?”
“I–I didn’t want to move,” Oliver chokes out.
“I already knew that,” Connor says through gritted teeth. “That doesn’t give you the right to go behind my back, to call the school and tell them I’m not attending–you don’t get to make that choice for me!”
Oliver’s eyes drop, he can’t look at Connor’s angry face anymore. His mouth is open, but it’s like his jaw’s stuck in place. No words come out. The guilt that’s been plaguing him for the entire week since he deleted that email, it’s back in full force now. And he doesn’t know what to say.
“I didn’t even know I was accepted. All that time,” Connor says, shaking his head. “Every single time that I mentioned to you, how worried I was that I wasn’t going to get in, you knew. And you lied to me.”
“I’m so sorry,” Oliver whispers. “But I didn’t want to go–”
“That doesn’t make it okay!” Connor shouts at him.
“I know it’s not okay! I’m not proud of what I did,” Oliver says desperately. “But I didn’t want to go, and–and I was tired of you making all the decisions for us. You–you never listen to me!”
Connor’s mouth falls shut.
“Everything–every part of our relationship, you’ve decided for us. You were the one who came back, you were the one who decided to move in, you call the shots! You say when, and I come crawling–” Oliver breaks off and takes a shaky breath, hating how the tears are already coming to his eyes. “You’ve got this whole other part of your life, that–that you don’t want me to be a part of. And it’s like you don’t trust me to make decisions for myself. You–you treat me like a child sometimes.”
Connor turns away and closes his eyes. He swallows the lump in his throat, hating how there’s truth to Oliver’s words.
“And what about you quitting your job?” He asks softly. “Out of nowhere, without even telling me? Did I make that decision for you too?”
Oliver groans softly and looks away himself. “That’s–that’s different, that’s not a decision that affects the both of us.”
“Of course it does,” Connor spits.
“You were going to make us move–”
“Make you?” Connor snarls. “What did you think I was going to do? Pack your bags for you, push you onto a plane, and drag you to the other side of the country?”
“No, I–I never thought that.” Oliver sighs. “But sometimes… it just feels like you don’t trust me.”
Connor scoffs softly. “No, Oliver. You were the one person I trusted.”
Oliver’s eyes slowly lift up to meet Connor’s. And they both remember the words Connor had spoken, so many months ago when he first came back into Oliver’s life, a wretched mess. It had taken Oliver a while to open up to him again. Because back then, it was Connor who had to earn his trust. And he had, he’d surprised him, again and again, when he’d stuck around, after the diagnosis, through the pain, the pills, and the doctors. All of it.
“You were the one person… that I trusted.” Connor shakes his head and lets out a wry laugh–it sounds so weird Oliver’s ears–and he runs his hands anxiously through his hair, a sight Oliver had seen so many times before. He sidesteps away from him, and away from the laptop where Stanford Law School - Office of Admissions continues to stare at them.
“Oh god, I can’t even be mad at you,” Connor says, his laugh sounding a bit hysterical, even to his own ears. “I don’t have the right to be mad at you.”
Oliver blinks. “Wh-what? What are you talking about?”
“It’s no worse than what I’ve done to you,” Connor murmurs to himself.
“Connor…”
“That’s a part of it, isn’t it?” Connor asks, looking up at him and dropping his hands to his sides. “All the lies, and all the secrets that I’ve kept from you…” He pauses, as they both remember.
I might be going to jail, Oliver.
I can’t tell you.
“That’s why you… that’s why you think I don’t trust you, isn’t it? Is that why you did this? Went behind my back, was it some kind of payback?”
“N-no,” Oliver stutters. “No, I–I just–I was scared,” he finally says.
“Scared? Of what?” Connor whispers.
Oliver swallows. He looks away, unable to meet the other man’s eyes as he tries to blink the tears out of his own.
“Oliver, talk to me,” Connor begs.
“I didn’t want to move. And I was scared, okay? If you knew you got in… I was scared that you’d go without me,” Oliver says softly.
Connor’s shoulders visibly sag, and he shakes his head slowly. “Oliver…”
“If I couldn’t convince you to stay, I thought–I was afraid that I wouldn’t be enough to keep you here.” And there it is. The truth. Oliver thinks maybe he should feel some relief, now that the truth is out there. But he feels none. Now, on top of the shame, and the guilt, he feels vulnerable.
“I asked you to come with me, because I want you in my life,” Connor says softly. “I told you, time and time again, that you mean everything to me. Why don’t you believe it yet?”
“I–I just–”
“You should have talked to me,” Connor says.
“Because we’re so good at talking?” Oliver asks wryly. “What was I supposed to say? I just wanted to hold on to you. You’re–you’re completely out of my league.”
Connor closes his eyes. He already knows what’s coming. And it’s been a long waited discussion.
“And–and I’ve always known that. You’re younger than me, hotter than me, smarter than me. You’re completely gorgeous. You’re brilliant. And–” Oliver breaks off and takes a deep, shaky breath. “And I’m just me. And I never understood why you stuck by me after my diagnosis. I thought–I kept thinking any day, you’d run off, realizing you made a horrible mistake. But you never did. I know I never deserved you. I thought–I thought, if you knew you’d been accepted to Stanford… Stanford… I was afraid you’d finally realize you can do so much better than me.”
Connor watches him sadly. His eyes are soft and dejected, the anger long gone. “You’ve always been enough for me,” he says softly. “I never–I never thought you weren’t good enough, not once. You’ve got such a low view of yourself, and no one sees you that way but you.” A dry laugh comes from his throat. But there’s nothing funny about the situation. “I love you, so much. I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in the world. I love you with everything that I am. And I’m so sorry, that I’ve never been able to convince you that you deserve it. But you do, Oliver. You’re my whole world. And all I’ve ever wanted to do, was keep you safe. But I can’t do that. I’ve been trying. But I can’t. I know that now.”
“What are you–what are you talking about?” Oliver asks, confusion written all over his face.
Connor just shakes his head, and purses his lips. He can feel tears trickling down his cheeks. But he doesn’t try to stop them. He just chews on his bottom lip, wondering how they got to this point. Wondering when it’s all going to end.
“You’re the most beautiful thing that’s ever happened to me, and you don’t even know it,” he says sadly, his voice cracking. “You’ve changed my life in ways you don’t even know. You’ve changed me. Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”
“Connor…” Oliver whispers, but he doesn’t know what else to say. It’s true. Connor’s completely different from the man he met a year ago. He’s almost forgotten, because it seems like a lifetime ago. That man, was so different. He was cold, calculated, self serving and ruthlessly ambitious. He was almost cruel at times. There were small hints and flashes of the wonderful man he knows now. But he could barely see them, buried so deep beneath the surface.
“How did I become this person?” Connor murmurs to himself as he turns away.
“Connor,” Oliver steps forward. He reaches out for the other man, but Connor jumps back.
“Don’t,” he says through gritted teeth.
And Oliver pulls his hand back like it’s been burned. His hurt is visible on his face, and it only causes more tears to trail down Connor’s cheeks when he sees it.
Connor lets out a breath. He suddenly feels so, so tired. “I’m not the same person anymore,” he says softly. “I was never like this before.”
“You–you’ve changed, yeah.” Oliver stutters. “But in a good way.”
Connor shakes his head, as his gaze drops, now looking at nothing. “I’m weak. I’m scared, I’m always scared. I used to believe there was nothing I couldn’t do. I accomplished everything I set my mind to.”
“You–you still do. You got into Stanford. You got in!” Oliver says, as the guilt suddenly hits him worse than before, knowing that he made Connor doubt his own abilities.
“I doubted myself, every step of the way,” Connor whispers. “I’m not me anymore. I’m broken.”
“You’re not–”
“I feel broken,” Connor snaps, looking up at him with wide eyes. “And I’ve changed you too,” he suddenly says, as he straightens and takes another step back. He’s looking at him like he’s seeing him for the first time. “Oh god, I’ve changed you.” His hands come up in front of his mouth, almost like a prayer. His breaths grow deeper, and quicker behind his hands. “Infected you, tainted you… with this life, with my life. You weren’t like this before… You never would have done this…”
Oliver stares at him with wide eyes, as Connor continues to shake his head, looking panicked and helpless. “Look, if–if this is about Stanford, I’m so sorry. I–I know how much it meant to you. But it doesn’t mean that I’m–”
“No, you don’t,” Connor interrupts him.
“Yes, I do.” Oliver insists. “And I’m so sorry. I swear, if I could take it back–”
“You don’t know,” Connor says harshly. “It was my way out. It was my escape.”
“Escape?” Oliver whispers, as fibers of panic and fear start making themselves known deep in his chest. “Escape from what?”
“I can’t take this anymore,” Connor mumbles. His voice is high and strung out, sounding like he’s on the verge of a panic attack. “I can’t live like this. It was my way out, it was my way out, it was my way out,” he repeats under his breath, like a mantra.
“What are you talking about?” Oliver asks, feeling helpless and confused. He wants to step forward. Seeing the other man like this, he wants nothing more than to take him into his arms, and comfort him any way he knows how. But he doesn’t dare step any closer. “Connor?”
“It was my way out…”
“Connor, I’m so sorry,” he says, helplessly apologizing because he doesn’t know what else to do.
The other man lifts his head. His eyes are red and bloodshot. And Oliver can see tear stains all over his cheeks. “I have to get out.”
“What?” Oliver stammers dumbly.
“I have to go,” Connor murmurs, as he takes a stumbling step towards the door.
“What? No!” Oliver moves to stand between him and his way out the door. “Connor, where are you going?”
“I don’t know,” Connor hisses. “I just have to get out of here.”
“No, stay! We have to talk about this! Connor, please don’t leave.” He steps forward, tries to reach for Connor’s hands, but the other man snatches them away. “Let’s just talk about it,” he whispers. “Just tell me everything, whatever secrets you have, whatever you’re hiding from me. Whatever is making you like this–it’s okay, I don’t care! I don’t care. Just don’t leave, don’t leave me, please!”
“Get out of my way,” Connor says harshly.
Oliver gasps as he takes a ragged breath, the pull of it hurts his chest, and he feels tears roll down his own cheeks. “I’m so, so sorry, Connor.”
But the other man just shakes his head. “I have to go. I have to get out of here.”
“Please don’t go,” Oliver whispers. “Please…”
“I have to get away from you,” Connor says through gritted teeth.
Oliver’s heart drops. He didn’t think Connor could hurt him worse than when he cheated on him. But this–this hurts. Because they’re broken, and he doesn’t know how to fix it.
Connor tries to step around him. He keeps his arms at his side, doesn’t make eye contact, and tries to go to the door, but Oliver jumps after him. He grabs the other man’s arm, pulls him around as he cries. “Please, please no! Don’t go! Connor!”
“Let me go,” the other man begs him. “Just let me go. I’m so bad for you, Oliver. I’ll ruin you too. Just–just let me–” He breaks off as he struggles against Oliver’s stronger grip, but Oliver holds on tight.
“I love you, Connor! Whatever this is, we can fix it! We can fix it together! Just don’t leave me!”
“Let me go–”
“I’m sorry, okay? I’m so sorry–”
“Stop fucking apologizing,” Connor spits at him, as he tries to pry Oliver’s hands off his arms. “Just get out of my way!”
“Connor! Don’t fight me!”
“DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME!” Connor screams at the top of his lungs.
Oliver’s hands release him in shock. And he watches with wide eyes as Connor runs to the door, and opens it without a pause–
“I love you,” he chokes out.
Connor halts, already halfway out the door. He glances back slowly. His eyes are wretched and fearful when they meet Oliver’s. His lips part, and a shaky breath escapes from them. He looks like he wants to say it back–but another second passes, and Connor whips his head back around and runs out the door, slamming it behind him with a bang.
Oliver continues to watch the closed door in shock. He’s gone. Connor’s gone. And the worst part is, he doesn’t know why. He gasps as he tries to catch his breath. Connor’s last words continue to resonate in his head.
Don’t fucking touch me.
The tears are so many now, the door looks like nothing more than a blur. He stumbles back until he hits the counter, and his arm reaches out as he leans on it, needing something to steady himself. His legs feel weak, like he’s about to collapse. He just wants Connor back.
But Connor’s gone.