Chapter Text
If you ever wondered what would happen if the Avengers played Kiss Mary Kill, well, here's your answer.
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“You’re seriously asking me to choose between them?” Bruce stated annoyed. “I’m not going to marry or kiss any of them!”
“That’s the game, Bruce.” Stated Tony and grinned.
Bruce rolled his eyes.
“Then I’m gonna marry the Grandmaster. At least you could talk to him without fearing he would kill you the next second.” Bruce stated.
“Doctor Banner, he had us fight against each other, I think he was well prepared for a dead man.” Thor said.
“He thought you would die, not me. But anyway, I kill Hela because she was worse than Loki, but I’m surely not kissing him voluntarily.”
“It’s a game, Bruce, it doesn’t mean we have to go to Sakar right now and arrange you a marriage.” Tony said and rolled his eyes.
“Barton!” Tony then shouted. “I have something for you.”
Clint raised his eyebrows expectantly.
“Cooper, Lila, Nathaniel.” Tony said and grinned victoriously.
Clint went pale as chalk the next second. His face was so horrified, even Tony seemed to take pity.
“I-I- seriously Tony, I can’t.” Clint stuttered. “I’m not gonna-“
“Relax, Barton, I’m just kidding.” Tony said and it seemed you could see a small apologetic look on his face.
Clint exhaled relieved. He wouldn’t have done it anyway, he loved them all equally, but just the thought of using the word ‘kill’ referring to his children was terrifying.
“I have a better question!” Sam stated and looked at Clint. “Natasha, Maria, Fury.”
“Not much better…” Clint muttered. “I kill Fury I guess, because I’m surely not kissing or marrying him.”
“He knew he would’ve been dead if he killed me.” Natasha mumbled to Wanda, who was sitting next to her.
“I marry Natasha, because Lila would choose so. That means I kiss Maria I guess.” Clint continued.
“Smartly played,” Natasha muttered to him.
“Thanks,” he said and grinned. “But honestly, Lila would really marry you.”
“I know,” Natasha said and couldn’t help but smile.
“Who’s up next?” Steve asked into the round.
“Let’s give Tony something.” Natasha stated and grinned mischievously.
“Pepper, Maria, Nat,” Wanda chimed in, also grinning.
Natasha shot her an approving look.
“I’m obviously gonna marry Pepper.” Tony started, but then he went silent. Everybody had to grin.
“If I kill Natalie, I’m gonna die too. But I’m pretty sure I would also die if I kissed her.” Tony said slowly, sounding a little desperate.
“You’re damn right.” Natasha stated with a smirk on her face. Tony grunted annoyed.
“I just kill you before you can kill me.” Tony stated then, but didn’t really sound convincing.
“So, you kiss Maria?” Wanda asked.
“I guess so…” Tony muttered. Wanda had definitely found the right names.
“Stay on alert, Tony, I’m not sure how much time is left to plan your funeral.” Natasha said, satisfied.
“Don’t worry, I will give you an equally bad combination, just let me think.” Tony stated.
“Sure,” Natasha grinned.
“I have something!” Clint said and grinned satisfied. “Ultron, Loki, Tony.”
Natasha’s look was priceless. It was a mixture of annoyance, disgust and anger.
“Do you think she kills Tony when those two are in the game?” Sam muttered to Steve.
“I’m not sure.” Steve whispered back, his eyes not leaving Natasha.
“Marrying any of them would be equal to marrying the devil.” Natasha snorted.
“Hey! You really can’t compare me to them.” Tony exclaimed indignantly.
“I surely can.” Natasha stated and grinned. “I bet Ultron would be a wonderful husband. Look, we even share that we don’t like you.”
“Ouch,” Tony said and dropped back on the sofa, pretending to be offended.
“So, I kiss Loki and say good night to you, Tony.” Natasha said satisfied, the grin not leaving her face.
“You will get that back, remember.” Tony stated.
While the others decided on who would get the next names, Sam slightly pushed Steve to get his attention.
“What?” Steve asked as he turned to him.
“You should stop now, otherwise it will raise suspicion.” Sam muttered back.
“Stop what?” Steve asked confused. Sam rolled his eyes.
“Staring at Nat.” He then whispered back.
“I’m not staring at her!” Steve stated quietly, trying to defend himself, he continued. “I just waited for her answer.”
“Sure,” Sam mumbled. “That’s the reason.”
Steve gave him another bewildered look before they were interrupted by Tony’s voice.
“Steve!” He shouted and the super soldier’s gaze turned to him.
“I have three names for you.”
“Bring them on.” Steve said, averting his attention from Sam.
“Natalie Rushman, Black Widow, Natasha Romanoff.” Tony said grinning.
“What?” Steve said after a second of remaining silent, shocked. “That’s one person!”
“I don’t care.” Tony said, looking satisfied with himself.
“But what’s the point if there’s nothing to choose?” Steve gave back.
“Doesn’t matter, I just want you to say it.” Tony said and shrugged, a weird smile on his face.
“Told you, it’s obvious.” Sam muttered to him, but he only received a blow to the rips from Steve.
Natasha watched Steve intently. She was curious which version of her he would choose. Of course it was all her. But still it wasn’t the same version of her. Natalie Rushman was her undercover version at Stark Industries to observe Tony. Steve hadn’t even known her back then; he never met her as Natalie.
Then there was the Black Widow. The name was ambivalent. On the one hand it was her ruthless version as from in the Red Room. She had grown up as a Widow and despite trying to let go of her past, the memories of what she did back then – killing, torturing, hurting people in general – followed her everywhere, even into her dreams. But the woman who was in the Avengers was also called Black Widow. It was also the version of herself that fought for good.
And then there was Natasha Romanoff. Technically she had always carried that name. Although in the Red Room she had been addressed as Natalia more often. Natasha Romanoff. She would call her ‘private’ self that way. Of course, privacy wasn’t really their thing as an Avenger. But the person she was now – besides the avenging – was who she would call Natasha. More precisely would be Nat or Tasha, technically even Red although she didn’t like that nickname. But that was what her family – the Avengers – called her. And now she was curious and maybe also a little anxious about who Steve would choose for each category.
“Ehm…” Steve started slowly. “As I never knew Nat as Natalie Rushman, I guess I would kill her.”
He immediately turned to Natasha after that. “Not that I would ever kill you, but Tony made me do it.”
“Mhm, sure,” Natasha smirked, but her tone was friendly.
“And for Black Widow and Natasha.” Steve continued, apparently nervous. “I don’t know, kiss Black Widow and marry Natasha?”
After he said it, he glanced at her, seemingly awaiting a reaction from her. Natasha shrugged.
“I’ll take it.” She said and against her will her smirk turned into a smile. “You won’t die, Rogers.”
What Natasha didn’t say, was that she felt a warmth spreading inside her. She knew it really didn’t mean much, after all it was all her and Steve had no choice. But still, she couldn’t help but feel happy when she heard that he chose her ‘private’ self to marry. The version of her that was around him most of the time. Not the one that fought next to him in battles. Yeah, he chose to kiss that one, but marrying made her feel like she valued the person that she really was more than the one who was the famous Black Widow.
When Natasha realized she was still smiling, she quickly regained control over her facial expression. Clint shot her a strange look, but then the round continued; it was now Thor’s turn.
“Loki, Hela and Odin.” Bruce said.
“That’s my family!” Thor exclaimed. “I can’t marry, kiss or kill any of them!”
“Just do it, I had to sort a single person, this game has no rules.” Steve said amused.
“I guess I kill Hela then.” Thor huffed. “Probably marry Loki and kiss Odin. That’s just not good…”
“Let’s do something for Sam.” Natasha said and grinned at him. Sam already expected the worst when he saw her expression. Then Clint had an idea.
“Maria, Natasha and Wanda.” He said to Sam. Sam froze for a second.
“I’m so dead.” He muttered. “If I kill Natasha or Maria, I’m a dead man, but I don’t want to kill Wanda.”
It didn’t help that Wanda shot him a sympathetic look and Natasha a death glare. Maria just raised her eyebrow.
“I’ll plan your funeral.” Bucky said, an amused grin on his face.
Sam rolled his eyes. He didn’t have much choice. If he didn’t want to kill Wanda, he had to kiss or marry her. He definitely didn’t want to kill Maria for… private reasons. But killing Natasha? That was dangerous. Really dangerous. But he also didn’t want to kiss or marry Steve’s girl. Afterall, he knew there was something going on, even if Steve denied it.
“Bucky please hurry, I don’t know how long I have left.” Sam then said. “I kiss Wanda, marry Maria and ehm…”
He glanced at Natasha. If he was honest, he wouldn’t have chosen to kill her. They always teased each other, but during the events with the Winter Soldier and after the fall of SHIELD he had really grown close to her. Not that the two of them would ever admit it, but it was the truth. Sam would’ve probably chosen Wanda in this scenario to be the victim, because he considered Natasha a really good friend and Maria… Yeah, private reasons.
To Sam’s surprise, Natasha had a knowing-grinning-look on her face.
“We can bury you and Tony together.” She said, but her voice wasn’t as threatening, it was more like understanding, like she knew why he had chosen their names this way.
But she couldn’t know the reason, right? Suddenly, Sam wasn’t so sure anymore.
“Wanda!” He exclaimed instead to change the subject. “Steve, Clint and Natasha.”
Wanda froze. That was a hard one, Sam hadn’t even properly thought about it, he just wanted to get Natasha’s knowing look of him. Now he knew it was one of the hardest combination of names he could’ve chosen. Natasha and Wanda had quickly become really good friends after Ultron, probably the best female friends they had. Natasha had helped Wanda to get rid of her Russian accent and they had trained together. Natasha had become a person Wanda looked up to and who she could talk about everything. And Clint was sort of a father figure for her, which Steve was too, maybe more like an older brother, but still. It was nearly impossible to choose.
“I won’t kill you if you send me to die.” Natasha said and put her hand on Wanda’s shoulder.
“But you would kill me?!” Sam and Tony nearly immediately shouted.
“Yep,” was Natasha’s answer and she shot them a smirk.
“But I don’t want to kill you.” Wanda said, still sounding a little desperate.
“I won’t be mad at you either.” Steve said sympathetically. “Afterall it’s a game.”
Clint nodded in agreement.
“I feel like marrying Steve or Clint would sound weirder, so I take Nat.” Wanda stated. “But kiss and kill…”
She went silent for a while.
“Just say anything, it doesn’t matter.” Natasha said smiling.
She knew it was hard for Wanda, because she felt like she betrayed someone with her choice. Wanda was a person with a really big heart, and she surely wouldn’t ever hurt her friends.
“I don’t know, kiss Steve and kill Clint?” Wanda said slowly. “I really wouldn’t-“
“Don’t worry,” Clint said smiling.
“Now I have my idea!” Tony suddenly announced. Natasha raised her brow expectantly.
“The perfect combination for you!” Tony exclaimed excited and spoke to Natasha. “Clint, Steve and Sam.”
“You really thought you had it? Like that would be the hardest combination?” Natasha said after a second, looking at Tony questioningly. “That’s easy, Sam killed me, so he’s gonna die, but he would’ve been dead either way, I kiss Steve, and Clint and I are already married, remember?”
Tony looked rather disappointed and just grunted as an answer.
“But let’s give you something again.” Natasha said grinning. “What about… Loki, Ivan Vanko and Obadiah?”
“Really?” Tony answered annoyed. “So, we have the guy who tried to take over my company. Then the one who wanted to be a bad copy of me but whom I defeated easily-“
“That was my merit.” Natasha interrupted him. “And I wouldn’t count nearly dying, nearly losing control over your suit and being followed by dozens of Iron-Man-like machines as ‘easy’.”
The others shared some confused looks.
“I had to hack into Rhodeys suit, defeat one or two or actually dozens of Ivan’s followers and report Tony’s madness to Fury.” Natasha stated. “Long story. Anyway, what do you chose, Tony?”
Tony rolled his eyes.
“And then there’s Loki,” he continued his explanation. “The god who destroyed New York. But to be honest, I probably have to thank Ivan. Without him I maybe wouldn’t have kissed Pepper.”
“You bought her strawberries…” Natasha muttered to herself, but Tony heard it.
“Wait, how do you know that?” Tony asked surprised.
“I worked at your company, and I actually talked to Pepper.” Natasha stated and rolled her eyes.
“What should that imply?” Tony gave back. “I also talked to you. How can I help it if you spoke Latin?”
“You speak Latin?” Wanda asked surprised.
“Tony asked me to do so.” Natasha replied.
“Wait, I want to know now, what did you actually say back then?” Tony asked curious.
“If you spoke Latin you would know.” Natasha just grinned and leaned back victoriously. Tony rolled his eyes in annoyance.
“Okay, maybe let’s come back to the game.” Sam stated. “That’s a story for another time.”
“Well, I kill Obadiah and as much as I hate to say it, kiss Loki and marry Ivan.” Tony sighed helpless.
Bruce look fell on the clock.
“It’s already late, if we want to have that movie night, we should start to prepare for that soon.” He spoke.
“Yeah, let’s play one last round for today.” Tony nodded.
“I have something for Steve.” Bucky uttered and the others nodded. “Natasha, Sam and me.”
Sam immediately gave him an approving look.
“Choosing the ones closest to you is awful.” Steve sighed.
“Come on, Wanda and I had to go through that too.” Natasha smirked at him. “Just don’t kill me.”
I would never kill you, Nat, Steve thought, but kept it to himself. He wasn’t sure if he would answer completely honest. Because if he was honest, he would probably marry Natasha in this scenario, kiss Bucky and kill Sam. But saying it like this would probably end up in teasing.
“Ehm,” Steve started, trying to figure out what to do. “I marry Bucky, because he once made a joke that if we would never marry anyone else, we should just marry each other. That was before the war and the whole Avengers thing, but still. I kiss Nat and sorry Sam, but you die.”
Steve glanced at Sam. His expression was understanding, and he grinned.
“This time you should’ve looked at Natasha, not me.” Sam whispered. “Her look was kind of cute, but woe betide you if you tell her that.”
Steve immediately turned to Natasha and locked eyes with her for a second, until Wanda asked her something.
“You really should just kiss right now.” Sam muttered to Steve.
“Shut up,” Steve replied annoyed. “What is it with you today?”
“I’m just observing.” Sam replied and shrugged, seemingly nonchalant.
“Wanda and Sam, you agreed to cook, right?” Bruce asked and received two nods.
Then they went off to the kitchen, while the rest also went to their assigned tasks. Bruce and Tony still had to connect the new giant screen that Tony had bought. Steve, Thor and Bucky had to get three more chairs so that everyone could sit comfortably. Natasha, Clint and Maria went to the grocery store to get some more snacks. Technically they could always let someone deliver everything they wanted, but sometimes even the Avengers liked it to go grocery shopping, it was just such a ‘normal’ thing to do that made them forget that aliens or gods could attack the earth the next second.