Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Anguish. Pure anguish.

That was what Elliot Karponzi was feeling after his school play, Romeo and Romeo. 

He sat backstage, crying alone, his voice echoing off the walls, mocking him with their echoing quiet. “I'm so alone," He wept aloud. "Not a one other than Gage came!" He threw his clipboard dramatically. “Damn life!" His scream was splitting as he pounded his fists into the wall. He resumed crying alone, into the vacant and betraying night.

The Birchum House (Because women who don't marry into their husbands’ names are filth)

"Dammit all!" Richard's bellow was as piercing as Elliot's, who was a mile away. He flipped over in bed, Wendi biting her lip. “It… happens to everyone, dear.” Her denial was painful. "I'm useless as a husband, Wendi! What's the point?!” She sighed sharply. “I see you're not gonna listen to me. So, is there anything I can do for you?" He sighed. “Well, it's early-ish. I need to feel manly, especially since I spend half the day at that woke-ass school and the other half with you and Jeanie, no offense, love you and the kid, but I need men! Not fake, metro sexual ones or girls who ‘identify’ as them. Wanna be a man? Be born with a penis, I say. Disgraceful.”

“Okay, I see you're completely manic and obsessing unnecessarily about trans people again, so you go have fun, dear.”

Richard stormed through the kitchen and grabbed his keys. “Birchum!" The sound of Eddie's voice halted him and he turned around. “What is it?" 

“Can you keep it down with your pissed off stampeding? I'm teaching Jeanie gaming!" 

“Oh hell no! You are not corrupting the good kid in this house. Get ‘er outta that mindset right now!" He tapped his foot and waited. Eddie scoffed. "Fine.”

"Bitchy old boomer,” He muttered down the stairs.

"Useless Gen z bastard." Richard shook his head.

Jeanie was all but paying attention to Eddie anyway; she had a saw on a piece of mystery lumber and a pair of protective goggles. “Jig’s up, Jeanie. I can't teach ya to game without Birchum getting mad." She rolled her eyes. "I wasn't listening to begin with! I'm a kid who loves woodshop, I hate games!” She took her goggles off and stormed upstairs. 

Eddie watched her disappear up the basement stairs, leaving him alone. He sighed dramatically before sitting down in his gamer chair. None of his fans or friends were gaming at the moment. How is this possible?!

He put the console down. Why won't Birchum accept me for who I am?! That's all that really matters, these paying subscribers mean nothing to me! Wendi loves everyone, Jeanie has nothing in common with me even though I just wanna be a good big brother, and why does my own dad make me and the family call him by his last name half the time?! He collapsed into tears. The woeful young man was left alone in his hollow dungeon he had created for himself unknowingly.

Jeanie reached the top of the stairs with a smile. “Birchum! You were asking about me?" 

“Oh! No, I just wanted your brother's idiocy to not rub off on you. You're the good kid, remember?” He patted her head. She beamed. “Thanks! So, are you gonna teach me to differentiate the best lumbers tomorrow?" 

"Sure, kid. But I'm gonna go out now. See ya tomorrow.” She nodded and gave him a reluctant fist bump. I can't disappoint him, maybe one day he'll actually show me affection! With another wave, he was out the door. She felt deflated. If I don't get to feel like he really loves me, how can I ever tell Birchum I'm a trans girl?

Wendi watched the car leave the driveway hastily. 

She could just make out the Blue Lives sticker in the dark. She sighed and turned around, alone. She tightened her robe and walked into the bathroom.

Violent sobs escaped her as she splashed cold water on her face. She paused as she looked in the mirror. No. She sniffed. I'm better than this red eyed, pasty mess. I deserve better. She frowned. I'm goin' out.

She grabbed her own keys. Richard Birchum ain't shit. “Mom?" Jeanie's voice turned her head around. "You're going out too?” Wendi sighed. "Yes, honey. Mommy needs time to herself. Eddie is home, and you're self-reliant.”

"Okay. Mom… when can we tell Birchum I'm trans?" 

“At least at the end of this school semester, dear. He's stressed this quarter. I'll see you soon." She kissed the child's head and departed. With the shut of a door, Jeanie hung her head, alone.

Richard drove to the nearest bar and pulled into the parking space with aggression.

He looked at his phone and went to text Don. “That's right, he's meeting Tina after the play," He announced to himself as one does. He pounded his fist on the dashboard, distraught. “Turns out my best friend is also my only one! I don't understand! I'm likeable enough.” He shook his head and left the car.

He flopped on a bar stool. “Bloody hell, what a night." He drummed his fingers. “Yo, barkeep! Yer' strongest dark ale, on the double." 

“Oh, really? You?!" He cringed. That voice… He was so disoriented he hadn't realized he was but two stools down from Elliot.

Eddie stayed curled in his gamer’s chair, weeping alone on a Saturday night. “Eddie?" Came an alarmingly soft voice. He looked up and saw Jeanie. His annoyance with her masked his ability to empathize with the pain in her own face. “Come to shrug me off, mock me like Birchum?! ‘Cuz I've had enough shit!" 

“No… I came to talk." He rolled his eyes but gestured to the couch for her to sit. “Thanks." She sat down. “Birchum is actually what I wanna talk about." He snorted. “You gonna lecture me about not being enough like him too?" 

“No! I think… maybe you're right." 

“Like, how do you mean?" She buried her face into her knees. “He's not a good dad." 

“What?!" 

Wendi drove to the nearest Forever 21. 

She banged on the glass door with her greatest might. “Please don't close!" Bawled she, before noting a sign that read Open until Ten! She chuckled with embarrassment and entered.

She looked in the mirror of the changing room; a long majesty blue glitter dress with spaghetti straps that displayed her breasts. She grinned. “Oh, hell yeah! Wendi’s back!" 

The sales rep folding clothes near the dressing room raised an eyebrow.

"Ya know what, Dick?” Elliot's voice was guttural, a trait Richard had yet to see in Elliot; but he didn't dislike it on him. He couldn't register why he was sweating and a blush threatened his palid cheeks. “I'm in no mood for your fucking right-wing, horse shit attitude. I will use my power to take you down at school if you so much as hurt my feelings." Dick tried to sneer. He tried to summon an everything hurts your feelings, wokey. But he couldn't. Elliot's fire flipped a switch in him. What is this feeling, dammit?! "Another kombucha sour, please.” Elliot slugged his drink. Richard stared in awe. “Holy crap…” He was unable to keep the words from escaping his moustached lips. Elliot glared. “Have I finally scared your boomer ass, you dollar store Ron Swanson?" Richard's lips literally quivered with anxiety before he engrossed Elliot into a kiss.

“No duh, Birchum flat out sucks, Jeanie!” Eddie recoiled upon making Jeanie cry harder. He sighed sharply. "Look, I'm sorry to be so blunt. But part of you must know he's kinda a cold hearted slimeball who's only real passions are wood and Don.” She looked up and wiped her eyes. “He's… he's smart though, right?”

"Think about it! On that road trip you took days ago, did he ask once about how you felt or did he just yammer about the ‘good old days’ when no one cared about being decent?” She paused, unable to answer. Eddie shook his head. "Thought so. C’mere, kid.” He put an arm around her. "Wendi is great. Pay a little more attention to her, she actually cares about people." He sighed. “She not only understands me better, but she supports me too. She knows so many things Birchum never, ever will." 

“Like what?" 

“Can I trust-" One look at her and he knew he could. “I'm asexual." 

Wendi strolled into a club. 

Immediately sitting at a bar, a man came up to her and flirted. “Hey, baby, does all of you glitter like that?" She chuckled uncomfortably. “I don't know if-" 

“Oh, please. You have those perfect boobs out like that and you don't expect people to be aroused? Okay." 

“Now wait just a minute!" She heard Richard's voice in her head: "Wendi, really? Yelling at a man for complimenting you? When did my wife turn into a woke feminist?!” Shut up, Birchum! Wendi kicked the man in the groin. "Learn to respect women!” She barked before storming off. 

She walked into the restroom and took a breath. “Hey," Came a voice behind her. “That was amazing, the way you stood up to that creep." Wendi turned around. "Thank you.” Her misted eyes clung to old tears as she replaced them with gratitude. The woman walked up to her slowly in order to not intimidate her. “If you don't mind me saying, you don't need that glittering dress to bring out your natural beauty." She held out her hand. “Pam. Would you like to go somewhere more pleasant and have a real conversation? Clubs are always such a bust anyway." Wendi blushed and took her hand. "Wendi. And yes. Let's get ice cream!" Unknowingly, Wendi left with her husband's boss, and Pam left with her most problematic worker's wife.

Elliot was being pinned against a wall near the bar’s restrooms. He wasn't disliking it, but he'd adored being in control for several split seconds and wasn't willing to diminish it. Pushing Richard's soft lips off of his own was no easy feat. “My turn to talk for once before you shut me down Mr. Brat-um.”

"Oh, great comeback. You gonna pee your panties-”

"Shut the fuck up!” His tone alarmed both him and Richard. "You belittle me, Richie. You deny that students have feelings. You give shit speeches about how America is apparently about not seeing kids as people and denying gender identity exists.” He pushed the strong, former veteran into the wall. "And I'm sick of it. Lord, are you hot, but you're awful. We ain't at work now, no use whining to staff and giving some crappy speech Monday. To think I was going to ask you out.” Richard finally gasped after shaking for an entire conversation, silenced for once in his life. Elliot laughed seeing him weak. "Did I finally shut your white ass up? Good. Now get the fuck out of my way.” He huffed and left the tiny hall. 

Richard was smitten. Even the dingy bar lighting couldn't take away how beautiful Elliot Karponzi was. Fuck my conservative pride, I need him and I need him now. 

Fuck, he's leaving the damn bar! 

“Elliot!" He screamed, not caring who saw. He couldn't resist his crush any longer.

Jeanie and Eddie were having a better time as Jeanie hugged her weeping brother. “Thanks for not judging, little sister…”

But the night was just beginning for Wendi Birchum and Pam Bortles, who were seductively sharing a chocolate ice cream cone. "Wanna take this to my place?” Pam purred. Her voice was a siren to Wendi. “Yes!" Her soft voice begged.

Richard's own stupidity had made finding love, real love, harder to work for. He looked at Elliot in the parking lot and ran. Richard had been an ass, but it was time to make amends, acknowledge his mistakes and swallow his pride. “Elliot, wait!”

Chapter Text

“‘Asexual?’ Isn't that another phrase Birchum says is made up?" Jeanie tilted her head. Eddie pounded the coffee table in front of him. "Damn that man! What it means, Jeanie, is that I don't have any interest in romance. I care about friendships and families, and Sawdust. Any love that's not romantic, I'm a part of.” She blinked. "Wow. That's beautiful. There's all kinds of love, Eddie, you're right.” She sighed. Eddie beamed. "Glad you agree, sis. But… it looks like there's something you wanna get off your chest." Jeanie whimpered. "C’mon, Jean, you can tell me!”

"... I'm trans.”

Richard was literally sprinting across the parking lot, a fool in love.

"Elliot! Dammit, Karponzi!” He didn't care who heard. Who saw. He wanted Elliot, and there were no substitutes for him. A fire has been lit in Birchum’s soul.

“What, Richard?!" He finally saw Elliot on his scooter. His eye twitched… among other things. The bike and helmet that had once driven him to fury shone like an angel in the moonlight. Unable to take it anymore, Richard grabbed Elliot and planted a kiss. Elliot felt the spark too, and embraced Richard's kiss after several seconds of resistance. The stars as their witnesses, Elliot Karponzi and Richard Birchum were finally cementing their romantic feelings for each other.

The stars were also guardians to Pam and Wendi, kissing in Pam's bed. Their bras rubbed together as much as their lips. Pam backed up upon tasting something. “Wendi?! You're crying! What's the matter?!"

“It's just been… the last time I felt this intimate romantically with anyone was- never!” With that, her newly applied makeup fell victim to her falling tears. Pam gave her a hug. “Thank you," Wendi finally managed through her tears. “This is so much better than being in bed with my husband."

"Cis men are the worst. He is cis, right?"

"Yeah… there's not much down there to compliment the build. People warned me about marrying and dating him, even suggesting he was gay… I ignored them, but I think they're all right!” She sobbed. Pam wiped her eyes. "Well, this trans lesbian is gonna take great care of you. If you're ready.” Wendi smiled. "Fuck yeah I am.” Pam kissed her chest downward, making Wendi writhe in ecstasy. As Pam made her way down, she turned off the bedside light. Wendi squealed. "Yes!”

After breaking apart, Elliot jumped on his motorcycle. "Get on. We're going back to my house. Now.”

"But how long-”

"Get the fuck on, Ricky! Unless you don't wanna be with me." Richard gasped softly at Elliot's command and abided.

He wasn't expecting how fast the vehicle would travel; he wanted to enjoy the outdoors at his back, the fresh air, the exposure. It was a remote street with no other cars. But the speed was blocking a nice sensation, plus privately terrifying him. Just as private, he wished things would calm down so he could fully absorb this scenery and freedom with his crush. “Scared?" He could imagine the sneer on Elliot's face with the passive aggressive delight in his voice. Richard snorted. "I was in the army and the navy, libt*rd! You think a damn motorcycle-” He flew off onto the pavement as Elliot forced the vehicle to a stop.

Richard groaned. "You idiot, that could've killed-"

“No. Ableist. Slurs."

“What, libt-"

“Yes! I know you evidently don't believe in ableism, but you are a teacher. Could you not use slurs, please?!”

A switch flipped in Birchum. Maybe it was the moonlight on Elliot's face complimenting how attractive he already was. Maybe it was the new self discovery liberating him, lightening his moon. Maybe it was a brief, fast acting hit to the head that honestly needed to happen. “How so?"

Elliot looked at him with skepticism but realized he was serious. With a sigh, he pulled over and stopped the bike. He helped Richard up. In the process their hands touched, making both of them feel undeniable friction between each other. “Richard, when you use ‘t*rd’ in any insult other than bastard, like what I call you, it's a slur.”

"Wow… maybe I have been ableist." Richard rubbed the back of his head. Elliot took his hand, uncaring of his own blush. “Let's go back to my place and I'll explain why hate speech is bad, whether you ‘mean it that way’ or not."

“Sounds good…" He was smitten. He howled with joy the rest of the ride back to Elliot’s home. “Well, here we are, Dicky; chez Karponzi."

As Richard got off of the motorcycle, it occurred to him that his outlook on Elliot's yard had changed along with his outlook on the counselor altogether. The Pride flags, feminist paraphernalia, and peace signs no longer infuriated him. In fact, he admired Elliot for being so progressive in such a conservative town. The thought of students heckling him used to make him laugh, but the very idea made him furious right now.

But the fury was pushed aside by love and lust. “Well? Coming?" Elliot's voice grasped him.

He was waiting for Richard on the porch. Richard nodded. “Absolutely, beautiful." Elliot giggled. “Flatterer."

Wendi laid in bed overcome with awe and arousal. “So?" Pam rejoined her on the front end of the bed. “First time with a lady? What'd you think?" Wendi laughed ecstatically. “I think you changed my life in a single night and that it's time I return the favor!” She unhooked Pam's bra and got straight, um, queer, to work. In seconds, it was Pam's turn to yelp with joy.

Jeanie stared at her brother with anticipation. Horror with how he would react. Against her greatest paranoia, he gave her a hug. “Thanks for telling me, kid." He backed up. “You're my little sister, no matter what." She wiped her eyes and gave him a high five. “Suddenly, I don't need Birchum's approval for my gender identity. Or, his approval for anything, really." They both chuckled. “Thanks, Eddie." She picked up the console. “I think I will try gaming! Teach me!”

"Okay, then we try woodworking. But not for Birchum!”

"Heck no!” She looked at Eddie with admiration. He returned the favor.

The clock on Pam's radio read 12:07 AM. Wendi, not having any real sexual fulfillment until tonight, was fast asleep. Pam smiled at her and pushed stray hairs out of her face. “Sleep well, lovely queen," She whispered before turning off the light and cuddling up against Wendi. Pam was ready for her own sweet slumber.

Richard took his shoes off at the front door. “Huh."

“What is it?" Elliot turned around to face him. “Your living room… looks like mine! It may as well be!”

Elliot chuckled at how cute he found Richard. “What were you expecting? Pride couch? BLM stickers?"

"Uh…” Elliot's jaw dropped watching his Ron Swanson-esque coworker blush from embarrassment. He giggled. “I'll take that as a yes." He put his keys down. “So, Dick, you gonna fuck me or not?"

“What?!"

“Yes or no? I've had a hell of a night."

“No sissy talks about ‘feelings,’ fake genders or vegetarianism?"

…Is what Richard would have said but didn't. He was spellbound. "Okay,” He managed.

1:04 AM

Jeanie was asleep on the couch in the basement, holding a game console. Eddie was cuddling a saw. Both siblings learned to love what the other did, and more importantly, each other.

Meanwhile, Wendi rolled over. In seconds, she was warmed greatly over the realization of where she was. She sighed aloud, softly. But an image of her family, and ugh, Richard, flashed before her eyes in the perfect darkness and made her nearly scream. She peered at Pam's clock and gasped quietly. The kids! Birchum! Why the hell do I call my husband Birchum?! I gotta go!

She felt around for her clothes, desperate to not make noise. After all, she couldn't stop glancing at how stunning Pam was in her slumber.

Elliot and Richard were in bed, sharing the kiss they'd secretly craved for so very long. Richard could have cried from the finally unbridled joy. Elliot, not afraid of his feelings, did. Tears rolled down his cheek into his plentiful facial hair.

Wendi put her clothes on and rushed to the door, though quietly. But realization washed over her again as she looked back at her unknowing lover. Her eyes immediately welled with self-resentment. “Oh…”

Elliot and Richard backed up from their kiss. "It's time,” they agreed at once. With that, they disappeared under the silk covers.

Wendi got into her car and went to sob. But Pam's beautiful face equipped with a smile struck her harder than Richard ever could. Fuck it, Richard's an ass and the kids are self-reliant! “I'm coming, Pam!" She sprinted out of the car.

Pam waited for her on the couch and grinned. "I was hoping you'd be back.” Wendi gasped again before leaping into the arms of her soulmate. "I can't stay tomorrow morning,” she confessed. Pam noted the resentment in her lover's voice. I must be there for her. She tightened her one arm hug around Wendi. “As long as you come back when you can." Wendi finally smiled, though there was some cheekiness attached to it. “Bet your ass," She giggled. They shared a kiss once more, not caring about the morning to come.

“That was beautiful, Richard." Elliot yawned as he cuddled his date. Richard giggled. “You can hardly keep your eyes open."

“Yeah, I'm exhausted. But I don't want this moment to end."

“Me neither. But… What if we did this again? Soon?” But Elliot Karponzi was already asleep. Richard sighed, knowing reality wasn't far behind. But hopefully soon, he would get to be warm with his Elliot. He decided to enjoy it as he glanced at the counselor one last time.

Chapter Text

Monday morning, the Birchum house

Richard solemnly poured his coffee into an I love Bears thermos. He was so weighed down by grief a simple sigh or groan to vocalize his disappointment would have been exhausting.

Wendi was joyously texting Pam, her cheeks pink. She quietly hummed to herself and didn't care who knew or what they'd say.

Eddie grabbed his own cup of coffee off the counter. “What the- you're going out?! Hell, you're up before eleven?!” Richard looked him up and down. Eddie scoffed. “Don't start with me, Dad. I'm taking Jeanie to school.” He got in Richard's face with a sneer. “... We're biking. Better for the environment.” Richard wanted to be angry. But “environment” played in his mind, first a repeat of it in Eddie's voice, then it melted beautifully into… Elliot's. Sweet, sensual, sultry Elliot Karponzi. Richard fought the urge to bite his lip with desire. “Just… go.” Eddie was taken aback, but relieved he had won. “Cool.” His crisp delivery matched his smirk. “C’mon, Jeanie!”

“Coming!” She called from the other room. Seconds later she appeared, a grin on her face. “Let's go, Eddie!” She high-fived him and they were out the door. Richard sighed finally. 

Wendi sighed too, but with different connotations. She twirled a lock of her hair.

Pam was already behind her desk at work, pleasuring herself to Wendy's texts.

Elliot was putting flowers around his desk. That oughta make my office more inviting… He pulled out his phone and looked at a picture he'd taken of Richard sleeping those several beautiful nights ago. He felt himself heating up, getting aroused even without the help of alcohol or adrenaline. Someday…

Wendi read another text on the couch. Yes! I get to meet her for lunch! Good lord, I'm in love!

Jeanie and Eddie were laughing as they rode to school.

8:14 AM, Remedial Woodshop

“Okay, kids, we're watching a film today.” Because my heart ain't in this. The cheers from students were static over his buzzing head and crumbling heart.

He wept as Splitsville: A Guide to Wood Cutting played on the screen.

He sat in the back of the class, surrounded by the same students in every episode, but feeling lonely and broken. 

Eddie set up a second gaming chair for Jeanie and nodded. Then he reached into a satchel and pulled out two flags; he put an asexual pride flag on his chair and a trans flag on hers. 

He then hung up an all-inclusive Pride flag.

Jeanie sported her She/Her button on her shirt with the colors of the trans flag behind it as she walked through the halls of the elementary school.

There was a knock at the classroom door. Elliot came from behind it with a smile.

Richard's tears halted. Is he here to see me?...