Chapter Text
Pearl is not always the same person.
The first time she noticed this phenomenon, it was six thousand years ago, in the midst of the Gem War. One moment, her heart was set on the freedom of Earth and all of Gemkind, ruggedly rebellious—or so she likes to think of herself, at least—and eternally devoted to Rose, only Rose, not Pink Diamond. The thought of the latter would fill her with sorrow.
Then, back home, the Diamonds were just again, and Pink was especially perfect in her role. Any talk of rebellion was silly, brushed off, immature. She would scoff at the rumors of the Crystal Gems, wondering why in the world she had ever imagined it as a good idea. Back and forth it went like that, proper versus careless, two sides of one coin, two people ever honest in their intentions but not consistent with them.
After the war ended, Pearl became afraid, jumping at every sound and voicing her unease with violence. They found Amethyst and she was almost parental, a gentle guide in a terrifying new world. She would fight her old allies and feel like a war hero once again—a coin formed of more than two sides now, alternating, never stable.
Garnet realized it once and questioned her. Asked her if she was okay, because she seemed so different it was as if her identity had fallen apart at the seams. The conversation only arose once, and from then on it was one of Pearl's many quirks. She was odd and everyone knew, and everyone loved her nonetheless.
They got used to her inconsistent opinions, to her constantly shifting material form, her outrage turning to sweet words of advice. Her adoration for Rose being the only stable part of her. "It's funny," Rose said once, "how you're a pearl, but you're more faceted than anyone else!" She laughed, honey sweet, leaning toward Pearl's gem to inspect it for facets. "Maybe there are just so many edges, it looks smooth even though it's not."
"That's not how pearls work." Pearl blushed, finger caressing her gem, searching for a flat surface. Something about Rose's words…comforted her. It's factually not true, but really, anything Rose says seems plausible.
The only problem is that everybody else is coherent. They don't change, despite their faceted gemstones, so that can't be it. Pearl is just Special, capital S, just like she is Special for being rebellious from her Master (though that was never wholly true). She's a misfit, and comfortable that way. Over time, she grew to love her fractured parts and personhoods.
On occasion Amethyst would give them names, but that didn't feel right. Every one of them were still Pearl. Every version of her, still herself, even if they were also arguably multiple people. It's complicated, and Amethyst always got bored with her convoluted explanations, but it comforts Pearl to at least have a slight grip on the logic of it all. Over time she grew to call them facets—even though, once more, it is scientifically unsound.
Despite her overall dislike of humans, she found joy in meeting other faceted beings within their civilizations. Rose would speak to many humans, sometimes recognizing behaviors similar to Pearl, and run back gleeful and excited. "He said he sees himself as more than one—that's like you, right? Oh, please come see him, he'll be so happy!" Rose begged, hands clutched in front of her, eyes starry.
Pearl never corrected this begging, but truthfully, Rose didn't have to ask. Pearl's conversations with these kind of folk were the most satisfactory she ever had with humans. It helped her understand herself more and, of course, it helped the humans too. They're not alone. They're not uniquely broken. They are wonderfully themselves, and Pearl is as well.
It was okay, living as mentally faceted (this distinction is, of course, to separate herself from her physically faceted comrades). It was beautiful to live that way. Until everything became ugly.
Rose is dead.
And with her, so is every single one of Pearl's facets, or so it seems. She wandered in a haze after Rose's death, barely responding to Garnet's check-ups or Amethyst's irritating jokes. Before, she could even access an internal world where her facets were…but it became empty. She fell into the water in her Temple room, closing her eyes, straining—with no result at all.
Her mind had become silent, and Pearl did not know who she was. Every time she left her room, a new outfit adorned her form, attempting to judge what felt correct and failing. It is all wrong without Rose Quartz. Who knew that the thread which tied the facets together would unwind them entirely, leaving only a shell of the collective?
Steven Universe.
That is the name of the child who took Rose away.
Not only her, but all of the people who made up Pearl. He broke their hearts, and made them disappear. How horrific is that? How could he do that?
It's not the boy's fault. As the years pass, Pearl's form becomes stable once again. The ballet-inspired outfit is only a necessity, not a form of expression for them all as individuals like it used to be. Slowly, Pearl forgets about her old selves…not due to lack of care, but the same necessity as her new form has.
The past is the past. Thinking about it too much hurts. There's a child to raise, after all.
The person that Pearl grows to be this time is a parent. Over the years of watching humans, she has collected a vague sense of what a parent is, so this time she embodies that! She becomes strict and worried, always anxious, falling back on her first facet's personality as a dutiful servant pearl. If Garnet and Amethyst notice the static identity, they don't mention it, thank the heavens.
The inner space where her facets used to reside even returns! This time it is blank and empty, a piercingly white slate to build upon. Pearl uses it as a storage unit, shoving everything she doesn't have room for into it. After all, there's no other use for it anymore.
One day, Pearl hears a voice. It's her typical voice, really, and she could almost mistake it as her own. "I have an idea," it says, "on how to tell Steven about the secret." The secret. Just the phrase makes Pearl flinch. She tries to remember the idea that she just had, that she said she had—but it's already gone, as if the idea didn't belong to her in the first place.
What an odd experience. What an odd, familiar experience.
And then she can no longer find her phone. It's a unique piece of technology, certainly not something she would lose. Steven comes running in, presenting her with a text that she didn't send—well, this part of her didn't send, but that isn't right, is it? She's been the only one for fourteen years. She's been alone, without Rose, without herself.
A voice tells her, "It's not lost, just stolen." And that is all she needs to know. She says to the void, not expecting a response; thank you. For doing what she cannot, for being willing to help, for utilizing a loophole in their multiplicity to do what's necessary.
Very long ago, in the middle of the war, Pearl betrayed one of her Master's commands. That should have been impossible, and it was, but only partially; because her Master is only giving commands to one person at a time, really. So if Pearl's facets are separate people, well…
This is not a way of being that was intended for a pearl. Until then, Pearl had been speculating that all servants had multiple persons within themselves, as a way to serve the best they could at any particular moment. But no, certainly not. This is her.
"Bring him to me. I'll tell him everything," that voice inside Pearl's mind says again. Pearl kneels, giving Steven a mission. To find her phone, a task of the utmost importance, and one she can't say much more about. He's concerned, of course, the poor boy. He'll understand. Even if this Pearl can't tell him, he'll understand, because this Pearl is not the only one and she is so very grateful for that.
The rest of the day is busy for Pearl. Only later that night does she find some time to slip away, while Amethyst and Steven are out looking for Ruby, and Sapphire is preoccupied in her and Ruby’s Temple room. Once she is alone in her room, Pearl allows herself to fall into a pool of water. She allows herself to fall deep within, like she did when last searching for fellow facets. She closes her eyes, listens only to the rushing falls beside her, doing what humans call meditation.
She calls it, aptly, submersion. Into the water, into her mind.
The white space where she puts her storage. She had assigned a…a version of her to sort things out, a long time ago, forming a completely dependent being. Not another facet, no. Not sentient, not able to feel or think. But when returning to the storage room now, she finds someone entirely separate from herself—or moreso, resembling pieces of herself. Instead of the whole thing.
"Oh, hello," the inner Pearl says, frowning. She huffs slightly, eyebrows drawing together. "Can you please go back to– uh, whatever memory you were assigned? I'm trying to keep this place clean, you see, and…"
"What memory?" There has never been memory barriers between each of Pearl's parts. In the case of some humans she's met, they couldn't remember the other beings' actions, but that's never how it's been for her. That doesn't make sense.
The inner Pearl squints, taking a step forward as if to examine Pearl closely. It's too close for comfort. Eventually, she asks, "Are you new? Goodness, that's two in one day…alright. What is the most recent thing you remember?" Pearl never assigned the system to work like this. How she's acting—it's unique, not due to anything ordered at her creation.
"I'm not new. I've been the only person in this body for years!" Hasn't she? The silence, the loneliness, the begging night after night, for someone to just speak up. The absentness. Not just of other beings, but of herself. The years she spent without an identity, trying and failing to grab onto anything she could reach.
Was that all for nothing? Was that useless?
How could any parts still be active at this time? Not just this one, whose creation was borderline predictable, but anyone else. New people. Someone new appeared just earlier today. Is that the voice Pearl heard, the one who broke the secret? That one was sorted away, assigned a memory, apparently—what has this inner Pearl been doing?
She's surprised. Pearl knows this because she feels it too, startling at her own words. "Oh," says the other one, who Pearl has begun to call Storage-keeper, looking very confused for a moment before laughing. It's the awkward sort of laugh that one does when they can't find anything else to communicate with. "Oh! Welcome, then. I'm surprised you've come in here…is there a reason for your visit?"
Of course she hadn't come in. She didn't know that anybody would be here! "Someone spoke to me. How have I never heard them before?" It's possible for others to hide their voices from the one in control, the question is more why would they want to. What good is it to make this one suffer so much?
Storage-keeper shrugs. "It's possible that my organization sealed them off. See, if everybody was here, it would be so busy! So messy." Her foot taps nervously on the ground at just the thought of the crowd. "Whenever they come into this room, I put them back where they were before! Sometimes new people emerge, and I assign them a memory…a room…so that they won't mess with anything here. It's like, um…people are coming out of a long, long sleep."
A sleep that they were put into when Rose died. Everyone, at once, shoved into a memory—maybe the one that caused their creation in the first place. That would've gone back thousands of years. Just locked away in the past, but still alive! And unable to communicate as a byproduct of what this facet has been doing.
Organization is what Pearl created Storage-keeper for, was it not? She's just been doing her job.
And yet, Pearl is angry. Not at Storage-keeper, not at anybody in particular. At herself, at their collective personhood, at Rose for leaving them and making this happen—but not really. She couldn't have known everything would disappear. Nobody could.
"Can I meet these people?" Pearl asks, her voice weak. "If you could bring them here, or send me to their locations, please." How many people even exist in this mind, locked away? Pearl herself was created after the rest of them died-slash-fell asleep. Her knowledge of what came before her is mostly through memories, but that doesn't give the full picture. Memory is imperfect.
Over the extent of six thousand years, there must've been so many of them. All forgotten now. But they can be rediscovered. Revived. That's incredible! Storage-keeper frowns, tapping her chin. "Not all of them. At once, at least. Some are buried so far back even I would have trouble recovering them! But also, this is a very small space—" she waves her arm in reference to the infinite white space, "—and it would be a bad idea to crowd so many people together! The disorganization, the noise…you understand me, right?"
Of course Pearl understands. It makes sense they behave so similar, Storage-keeper wasn't supposed to be anyone else! Simply an extension of Pearl. That's so interesting, really, and now Pearl wants to examine her, ask her all sorts of questions…determine their differences, where they split, where they're virtually the same person. But perhaps summoning someone from before-Steven times would be more useful for now. For now. She'll get her chance later.
"Maybe just– oh, you said someone new appeared earlier today. It must be easy to retrieve her! I would like to meet that one." The one who spoke to Pearl, yes. First, Pearl would like to thank her. With the secret out in the open, everyone is so much better off. Not just everyone in Pearl's mind, but those outside as well. Steven, Garnet, Amethyst—they deserved to know.
Storage-keeper, although visibly hesitant, nods. "If you're sure. Give me a moment."
The gem on her forehead, identical to the one on Pearl's, and on the body's itself, begins to glow. Once again Pearl finds herself wondering how this functions. Really, past the initial shock, this entire situation is mesmerizing! Not only is Pearl excited to meet the facets sealed away, but she's excited to learn. About herself—in both an individual way, and the collective "her". This mind. Rose said it so frequently, the way her mind works is fascinating.
Out of Storage-keeper's gem emerges a figure. It is pure white for a moment, generating, then forms as something nearly identical to Pearl. Except for one thing, that being a skirt around her waist. It resembles the one Pearl wore as a servant, but unique too.
She blinks, silent, looking first at Storage-keeper and then, with slightly wider eyes, at Pearl. "Hel-lo," she says, the break in the word emphasized and drawn out. "Nice to meet you?" The surprise leaves her expression. "Hi! You're the one that's in control usually, right?"
"Yes, that's me. You spoke to me, about the phone, and—you formed today? How?" Not everybody knows how or why they form. Half the time it's a complete mystery. But there are occasionally reasons. Those reasons, however, do not include "to have an idea", so that couldn't have been the split point. There must've been something else. Using the phone, possibly? That makes sense, the idea happened and then she formed to handle the idea. Of course, she probably has a better guess…
"Oh, the phone thing wasn't me. I formed, um, probably when discussing the early Crystal Gems with Sapphire. Which was a bit after the phone thing, if my recollection is correct."
Okay. Throw out Pearl's theory, then. She was wrong. Who had the idea? Who stole the phone, who spoke to Pearl? There are a couple options that pop up, though of course she's not sure that the facets she's considering actually exist. But if they do, it would be convenient. …Convenient isn't truth, though.
Interrupting Pearl's train of thought, the new facet speaks up. "Well, I'm here still. Is everything resolved with Sapphire? Is she okay?" Right. Someone is standing in front of Pearl. Maybe not the mystery speaker, but someone just as valuable.
"Yes, Sapphire and Ruby have both calmed down."
Cue awkward silence as the new one expects Pearl to say more. She doesn't. Eventually, new facet says, "Okay, that's good. I'm happy for them. Now, are you okay?"
The second the question is asked, words tumble out of Pearl's mouth in one breath. "I just– I'm so confused. I've been alone. I didn't think either of you could be here, much less more! Everybody who existed before me! They're all here, and I didn't know it, and I suffered so much all for nothing. It's too much to handle right now. I wish I could just…" Go back to not knowing? No, that would be far worse. Mostly she wishes they never left. The past can't change. "Sleep."
Gem beings don't need sleep. Despite this, Pearl feels exhausted. Like her body will give out under her any moment. Is this innerspace fatigue? That's a term Pearl can only vaguely remember—one for when someone controls the body for so long, they can't stay in the innerspace for long without unexplainable fatigue. She has never met anybody else who experiences it. Either that, or everything is just so overwhelming, Pearl has inexplicably gained the ability to feel tired. Maybe some mix of both.
"If you want my opinion, you're taking everything in too fast. Go out, I'll keep this one in here so she and I can speak to you. I think you need some relaxing dance…maybe with this?" Storage-keeper pulls out a sword, long and slim and purely decorative, from a very large collection of them. Pearl does like to dance. Of course Storage-keeper would know this, she's been in charge of Pearl's mind for a decade!
Pearl smiles and nods, heart aching. She wasn't around for the pre-Rose times. She never experienced this type of familiarity, this sync, first hand, but she knows she missed it so much. She missed having someone know her intimately, in a way more intense than anybody outside could possibly achieve. (Except maybe Rose.)
"Thank you," she says, closing her eyes, and with that…
Her face surfaces from a pool of water, wincing at the sudden sound of rushing water around her. There's a sword in her hand, the same one Storage-keeper held. In her mind, somebody says, there are so many swords…that's incredible. I wonder the stories behind them. That must be the new facet.
Pearl replies, I'm sure somebody will be able to tell us. We only have to find them.