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Bakugo swears he’s never laughed harder in his life than the first time Kirishima tells him that he’s dating Deku.
Kirishima’s so nervous about it, too. Tries to bring it up at least five times before he actually succeeds—hesitating over breakfast, in the locker room, the showers, while studying, at dinner. It’s truly impressive his inability to piece together a single coherent sentence.
“Spit it out,” Bakugo eventually demands, lounging back on his bed and raising one eyebrow at Kirishima, who’s standing in his doorway, shoulders hunched. He’d shown up right as Bakugo was going to sleep, so Bakugo turned his light back on and resigned himself to listening. “And just step inside already, Christ. Close the door behind you.”
“Um,” Kirishima starts, stepping inside as instructed, before rubbing his neck with the back of his hand. “Well, I’m not—I don’t know where to start.”
Bakugo snorts. “Clearly. What happened? No, let me guess. You broke your punching bag again. Ooh, or you clogged a toilet.” Kirishima shakes his head. “Multiple toilets?” He makes a face. “Hm. Lost the notes I lent you?”
“Well,” Kirishima looks a little guilty at that one. “Uh, yeah, actually, but it’s not about that.”
“Okay, so what the fuck is the problem? Do I need to beat someone up?” He makes a face. “Or, god, I hate to suggest this, but do I need to apologize for something?”
“No,” Kirishima says, finally standing up a little straighter, taking a deep breath. “Bakugo, you’re my best friend, so I want you to know things about my life, which means you’re going to get my romantic updates too, whether you like it or not.”
“Okay, sure,” Bakugo says. “I didn’t realize you were getting any.”
“Izuku and I are dating.”
There’s a long pause. Bakugo stares at Kirishima. Trying to make sense of the situation. Izuku…that’s Deku, right? There’s no way he just said—?
“HAH!” Bakugo cackles, hunching over as he starts to laugh so hard he nearly cries. He can feel tears in his eyes, holy shit, this is so good. He slaps his knee so hard and so repeatedly that it actually starts to hurt. “Please, I can’t believe you were trying to tell me this in the shower earlier, did you want me to slip and die?” He can’t breathe. It’s so fucking funny.
Kirishima and Deku, dating?
Yeah, right. Bakugo’s pretty sure he would know if Kirishima were gay. You know, being his best friend and all that.
And, okay, as a bisexual guy himself, Bakugo knows how stupid it is to assume sexuality. It’s just…no reasonable person can look at Kirishima and not think he’s a flaming, macho heterosexual man. Bakugo just hadn’t realized he was a flaming heterosexual in denial .
The amount of times that Kirishima has commented on other men’s muscles just screams straight! His obsession with manliness is the pinnacle of modern-era heterosexuality! No LGBTQ+ individual would ever unironically pair crocs with bright yellow jorts!
“Oh my god,” Bakugo sighs, giggles still bubbling in his chest, collapsing back onto his pillow. “Shit, Kirishima, I haven’t laughed this hard in years.”
Kirishima is giving him a look of slight concern, like he’s wondering whether or not he needs to intervene to save Bakugo from literally hyperventilating in front of him. Though…there’s also something vulnerable flashing in his eyes.
“Bro, I’m not joking,” he says, cautiously.
So Bakugo takes a second to think. Because he’s working on being a better friend, or whatever.
Here are the facts:
- Kirishima is straight.
- Kirishima is allegedly dating Deku, which confirms that:
- Kirishima has terrible taste in men, adding to the evidence that he’s straight, but he digresses.
- Bakugo is friends with both Kirishima and Deku, and is actively trying to be nicer, especially to Deku, because he really fucked up, and every day he grits his teeth and tries to repair something that seems, too often, totally irreparable, and so—
He orders his Deku-related guilt to take a swan dive out of his mind. Refocuses. Alright. There’s only one thing to be done.
“I know. Thanks for telling me,” he says to Kirishima, gruffly, nodding his head. “I support you guys, obviously.”
Inwardly, he vows to make Kirishima realize that he’s straight. Like, ASAP.
Mostly because it’s just totally unfair to Deku, to be dating a straight guy who doesn’t even know he’s straight! Bakugo knows firsthand how much it sucks! Which is why, as Deku’s friend, and Kirishima’s best friend, he has a duty to fulfill. (It just has to be subtle, so Kirishima thinks he’s coming to the realization of his own accord.)
“Thanks, bro,” Kirishima says, giving him a wide smile. “Seriously, thank you! We promise not to make things awkward!”
“Sure,” Bakugo snorts. “You guys are like the top two most awkward people I’ve ever met.”
“Hey!” he protests. “Bro, come on! Me? Really?”
“As long as I don’t feel included in any way, shape, or form,” Bakugo tells Kirishima, frowning, “then we’re cool.”
“Okay,” Kirishima says. “I will make sure to tell Izuku to burn all of his notes on that subject exactly.”
Bakugo shudders. “Don’t even joke about that. I’m going to have nightmares.”
“Who said I was joking?”
Bakugo sneers. “Alright, that’s enough of you. I’m going to sleep.” He waves a hand at the door and clicks the light off, lying down and pulling the sheets up before Kirishima even gets the chance to respond.
—
Over the next few weeks, Bakugo becomes more and more convinced that Kirishima isn’t dating Deku. No, he’s pretty sure that Kirishima is actually dating this anthropomorphic tomato that kidnapped and replaced Deku overnight, and is somehow even more of a loser than Deku himself.
Holding hands with Kirishima? Tomato. Talking to Kirishima before class starts? Tomato. Fighting against Kirishima in 2v2 battles? Tomato.
Deku must be breaking Guinness World Records with the amount that he blushes, holy fucking shit. Bakugo wasn’t aware that Deku’s blood circulation was so incredible. Plus Ultra?
It’s so embarrassing to watch that even Iida catches on—offering Deku extra sunscreen during one of their training sessions, chopping his hands as he highlights that it’s SPF 100, sweat-proof, AND water-proof, good for all sorts of physical activities. If anything, Deku turns redder. Bakugo can see Aizawa giving him a dirty look that just screams homophobe. And, look, normally Bakugo hates homophobes, but Aizawa is totally in the right here.
Iida keeps trying to force sunscreen onto Deku throughout the rest of the day, seemingly unable to rub his two brain cells together to realize that it’s not…because of the sun. Well, unless Kirishima counts as the sun. Which…Bakugo has to give that one some thought.
“He’s just blushing, idiot, he isn’t fucking sunburnt,” Bakugo mutters to Iida later that day after class ends. “Do you know what blushing means?”
Iida stops on spot, sputtering, red flush creeping up his face. “Of course I know—!”
Bakugo ignores him and walks away.
Besides, he has more important things to focus on, anyways. Like helping Kirishima realize he’s straight.
First phase of attack: comment on the general attractiveness (respectfully! normally! cooly!) of female pro heroes in Kirishima’s vicinity until he reaches his heterosexual epiphany.
Phase 1: BEGIN.
“Wow,” Bakugo says that evening, plopping down on the couch next to Kirishima, where he’s watching replays of a Mirko fight from earlier in the day on the TV. “Mirko’s really something else, huh.”
“Oh, hey Bakugo!” Kirishima says, grinning. “Yeah, for sure, she’s so cool. I wish I had her speed, she’s so fast.”
“And strong,” Bakugo adds. “Her thighs could totally crush my head.”
“Hm, I’m not so sure about that,” Deku says, lifting his head up from where he was laying in Kirishima’s lap. What the fuck. Bakugo hadn’t even noticed him there.
“Deku,” he greets, casually and not spooked at all. What the fuck.
“I mean, if you actually calculate the force that could be generated from such a restricted pose and angle—” Deku starts, so Bakugo turns back to the TV and tunes him out.
“Dude, baby,” Kirishima says, once Deku is done talking. He’s looking down at Deku, who freezes at the pet name. Bakugo retches internally. “I hadn’t thought about any of that, that’s so cool.”
“Yeah, clearly you’ve thought about this a lot,” Bakugo says, to Deku, before raising an eyebrow and turning to Kirishima. “How ‘bout you? Have you ever thought about getting your head crushed between a gorgeous woman’s thighs?”
“Uh,” Kirishima says. “No, can’t really say that I have. A man’s, though…”
Deku squeaks embarrassingly. Just like that—tomato.
“Okay,” Bakugo says, standing up, pinching the bridge of his nose with his fingers. “This is what I meant about not wanting to be included, holy shit, I’m going upstairs.”
“Wait, bro!” Kirishima calls after him.
“Yeah, Kacchan, come back,” Deku echoes. “We want you here!”
“I like seeing this side of you,” Kirishima adds. “It’s fun!’
Bakugo sighs. “No thanks, idiots,” he calls behind him as he approaches the elevator and punches the buttons.
And though Bakugo isn’t religious, he shoots a little prayer up to Jesus as he waits for the elevator, so that maybe it arrives a little sooner. Sue him, he’s just desperate for anything to take him away from the absolute shithole that is Deku and Kirishima (his emotionally constipated, heterosexual bastard of a best friend) flirting in the common area.
—
If Bakugo knows one thing about being a hero, it’s that having well-trained senses are important. As someone whose quirk fucks with his hearing, he’s all too aware of how much work is required to navigate the battlefield while unable to fully sense and process everything happening around you. Which is why he’s done his best to train his other senses, too, becoming an astute observer—able to assess situations in seconds, or whatever, through his impeccable sight, smell, taste, and touch.
(Yes, even taste. One time he got lost on a hike and found his way back by licking the rocks. If he hadn’t trained his taste, who knows?! Maybe he would have died on that mountain!)
Clearly, though, Bakugo hasn’t worked hard enough to sharpen his senses. He’s failed in life. And, In fact, he’s decided to change his strategy, and sacrifice his sense of sight so he never has to see anything again. Maybe his memory too, while he’s at it.
Anything to avoid accidentally walking on Kirishima and Deku making out again.
It’s just—obscene, really. For a second, Bakugo wishes that Kirishima wasn’t a secret heterosexual, that he could end up being gay and committed to Deku after all, if only to spare everyone but Deku from the absolutely horror of his extra-toothy and, uh, shockingly sloppy-looking kisses.The sight is so tragic that it would put even Sophocles to shame.
Deku, though, seems to be enjoying it. Clearly, Bakugo doesn’t have enough hearing damage yet either, because he can fully hear the pathetic sounds Deku is making, whattttt the fuckkkkk.
He raises his hands to his ears, ready to explode his eardrums with his Howitzer.
That’s when he and Kirishima lock eyes.
“Oh, Bakubro!” he says, pulling back slightly from Deku, a thick string of spit still connecting their mouths. “Sorry! What do you need?”
Bakugo is still standing in Deku’s doorway. He was going to ask Deku about some important thing that has been completely pushed out of his mind given…current circumstances.
Deku turns to look at Bakugo, and then promptly hunches over in Kirishima’s lap, giving a little squeak. He doesn’t look as red as he usually does—maybe he’s adapting. Natural selection or whatever.
Which is weird, given that he should be more embarrassed than usual, because he’s making out with a straight dude on his All Might themed duvet cover, with giant posters of All Might watching them from every single corner of the room, and even the ceiling, and All Might pillows to their side.
“Deku, do you really have no shame?” Bakugo drawls. “How would All Might feel if he saw this?”
“Uh,” Deku says, making an effort to sit up a little straighter. “Kacchan, what’s up?”
“No, seriously,” he piles on, “what’s next, an All Might condom? All Might lube?”
“You and I both know full well that those don’t exist.”
“Sure they do,” Kirishima says. Bakugo cuts him a look. Bakugo has a lot of questions and even more concerns. “Wait, bro, back to why you’re here…? I love you, but…did I miss an alarm for something? Gym?”
“Not for another hour,” Bakugo says. “I’m here for Deku. Wanted to talk to him about the new Hawks merch drop. Clearly he’s busy.”
“I mean,” Deku says guiltily, looking at Kirishima, “I could be…not busy.”
Bakugo scoffs. “As if I would cockblock my best friend in favor of analyzing pro hero merchandise releases.” He considers that for a second. “Well, actually…no, sorry, no, I wouldn’t do that. I’m not that mean. After all, this is a once in a lifetime event for Kirishima. Merchandise is forever.”
“Hey!!!” Kirishima protests. It’s a very straight-sounding protest, if Bakugo does say so himself. Almost like he knows that this is the first and last time he’ll ever be with a dude. That’s great, because Kirishima’s looming straightness is also why he’s here. Well, not in Deku’s room, specifically, but choosing to withstand the horror that is Deku and Kirishima together, and engage it in conversation.
“If you’re sure,” Deku says, wiping his mouth (at long last). “But we should talk about the new release soon, because—”
“You know, Deku, there’s only one kind of release you should be thinking about right now,” Bakugo interrupts. He frowns, torn.
Because…he has two options here.
- Spend some time here trying to convince Kirishima he’s straight, standing awkwardly in the doorway while ignoring the proximity of his and Deku’s faces and the fact that he’s denying his bro precious, precious makeout time…
- Or, let them go back to canoodling but fail to make any progress in his mission of uncovering Kirishima’s heterosexuality.
So Bakugo does what any good friend would do in this situation. He slowly backs away. Nearly trips over himself in the process, catching his weight on the doorknob, which, miraculously, does not break.
“I’m going now,” he says, in case it wasn’t clear. “Uh, you guys have fun.”
“Um, okay,” Kirishima says.
“Text me when you’re done. Don’t worry about being late to the gym. I don’t even know if I can look you in the eye after this.”
“The bleach is on the bottom left cabinet in the bathroom,” Deku advises.
“Deku, who the fuck do you think bought that bleach?” Bakugo frowns. “Obviously I know where it is. Christ.”
“Make good decisions!” Kirishima calls after his retreating form.
Bakugo slams the door behind him in response. Make good decisions, his ass. Nope, nevermind, he doesn’t want to think about Kirishima’s ass, not after that interaction. What the fuck.
He sets off towards the bathroom.
—
It’s clear Bakugo’s plan isn’t working, which is why he does the thing that all pro-heroes-in-training are told to do when they’re suffering and stuck in combat: He calls for backup.
And, wow, he’s really grown so much. Bakugo pats himself on the back a little bit. First year, he never would have called in for backup. First year, though, he also wouldn’t have been walking in on Deku and Kirishima making out literally all around UA. He’s caught them in both of their bedrooms, and also, on one particularly scarring occasion, Bakugo’s bedroom. A supply closet. Even the fucking kitchen, which he knows neither of them ever touch, because he does all the cooking for both of them. Cooing over each other, all sweet and shit. It’s just not right! It’s not!
It’s so bad that he’s even starting to have nightmares, which he desperately needs gone. Every time he trundles into homeroom, grumpy and disgruntled from his poor, nightmare-fueled sleep, and sees Aizawa curled up in his dingy-ass sleeping bag on the floor in a hard, cold corner, he’s hit with a burst of empathy. Bakugo, too, as it turns out, understands what it means to be homophobic and sleep-deprived. And he just can’t have that.
Mostly, though, he’s concerned for the emotional integrity of their relationship. It’s annoying watching them put their hands all over each other, but like…whatever, it doesn’t actually bother Bakugo that much. The real issue is that Kirishima’s straight, and when that gets out…well, Deku will be devastated, that much is clear. Kirishima, too.
Bakugo sighs. If only straight people weren’t quite so complicated!
Which is why he ends up in the common room one Thursday evening, reclining in a chair instead of tossing and turning in his own bed, surrounded by the entire rest of Class 3A, minus Kirishima and Deku. And—is that Aizawa in the corner, sleeping?
They were initially going to meet in Mina’s bedroom, to discuss as a small group, but word got around. As it turns out, Bakugo isn’t alone in his suffering.
“They’re so lewd about it,” Kaminari complains, leaning back and resting his head back against Todoroki’s legs. Todoroki looks down at him, bemused, but doesn’t complain.
“You’re such a hypocrite,” Sero says, cutting him a look.
“You disagree?” Kaminari raises an eyebrow at him, frowning.
“Unfortunately,” he sighs, “Not in the slightest.” Mina plops down on the couch, tossing her legs onto his lap. Sero shoves them off without a second glance, ignoring the grumbles she sends in his direction. “After the, uh, laundry room incident last week…”
“What happened in the laundry room?” Tokoyami asks, leaning in. They’ve created a very makeshift circle, dragging all sorts of furniture from around the common area and kitchen, in order to accommodate for all those that wish to complain.
Momo gives him a look—this, Bakugo is sure, is the very expression women make when experiencing a particularly painful childbirth. Triplets. 24 hours in labor. No painkillers. That sort of thing. “You don’t want to know,” she says.
“I…” Tokoyami hesitates, frowning. “Um, okay, I take it back.”
“No, wait,” Todoroki interrupts, looking up from where he’s been carding his hands through Kaminari’s hair aimlessly. Kaminari also looks up, cheeks slightly flushed. “I want to know.”
“No, you don’t,” Jirou adds.
Todoroki pouts, a habit that started last month when he realized that Deku and Uraraka can’t say no to him when he pretends to look like a wet cat that just got run over by a sixteen-wheeler. Bakugo wishes the sixteen-wheeler wasn’t just metaphorical. He would pay good money to watch Todoroki get hammered by an oversized truck, right about now.
Of course, Uraraka chimes in, true to form. “Well, it wasn’t really that bad. It was kind of cute. I’m just not sure how to explain…”
“They were doing laundry together,” Hagakure says, with a sigh, walking over from the kitchen, a cup of tea in her hand. She speaks in monotone. “And Kirishima pulled out his clothes, and Deku said ‘hey, are those my clothes?’ and Kirishima said ‘I like the smell,’ and Deku said ‘omg, there are my three pairs of missing underpants, I’ve been looking for them everywhere ahahaha!!!’ and Kirishima blushed really hard and said ‘I just like the smell’ and then Deku said ‘let’s trade, I want your clothes too! That’s such a cute idea!’ and Kirishima said ‘aw, babe, Plus Ultra,’ and then I left before I could witness anything else.”
Todoroki’s clearly entranced, but Bakugo’s heard enough. He can’t stand it. He leans forward in his seat: “Since when do any of you do laundry?”
“Is that really what you’re taking away from this right now?!” Mina cries, trying to put her legs on Sero again, only to get shoved off. Again. “You’re minimizing our traumatic experiences! Maybe we’re turning over a new leaf!”
“Just yesterday you asked me where the laundry room was located!” Bakugo would punch her, if only he was confident that she could get the blood stains out of her shirt afterwards. “Mina! It’s our third fucking year!”
Mina stands up like she’s about to throw hands, before giving it a second of thought and sitting right back down, shrugging, because Bakugo’s right, and she knows it.
Bakugo’s about to recline back into his own seat when Iida’s hands chop the air, demanding his attention. Iida’s posture, from where he’s sitting on the end of their shockingly-comfy communal couch, is ramrod-straight. For once, Bakugo feels an appreciation for him: if only more things in UA were as ramrod-straight as Iida.
Then he starts talking. “I, for one, think it’s cute,” he says, sounding like he’s being held at gunpoint, or, like, extremely constipated. Or both at once. “They make each other really happy and that’s what matters.”
“They’ve even made each other really happy on the very couch you’re sitting on,” Bakugo responds.
Iida’s face scrunches up a little bit, composure crumpling. “What.”
“Wait, Bakugo, how do you even know that?!” Hagakure says, scandalized.
Bakugo sighs. “My senses have betrayed me.” As in, he accidentally walked in on them when all he wanted was a late night snack. Clearly Deku had been craving a snack too.
There’s a confused pause.
“Also, in case you’ve forgotten, I’m Kirishima’s best friend.”
Everyone nods thoughtfully, a collective “ahh” echoing resoundingly through the common room. Kaminari doesn’t even bother to refute Bakugo’s comment, like he normally would, placated by Todoroki’s hands, moving down to his neck, massaging the muscles there, dipping, occasionally, towards his back.
“I hadn’t forgotten,” Todoroki says, helpfully, hands still plunged down Kamiari’s shirt. “Also, what does ‘making each other really happy?’ mean?”
Bakugo grins wickedly.
“Oh, don't you dare,” Uraraka stops him. “I refuse to sit through you explaining this right now.”
“Thank you, Jesus,” Shoji whispers to Bakugo’s right. Bakugo swears he even hears Aizawa pipe up from his pitiful little corner, expressing similar sentiment.
“That does explain why Deku’s looked happier recently,” Jirou muses, thoughtfully. She taps one finger against her chin. “And Kirishima, too.”
“Sure,” Shinsou allows, from where he’s perched in the corner of the room. “The issue is that it’s making the rest of us miserable. I’ve had to up the dosage of my depression medication twice in the past month because of them.”
“Hey, twinnn,” Tsuyu says, with a laugh.
Hagakure protests: “It is kind of sweet. Like, I don’t know, the fact that they’re both willing to be open about this…it’s made me feel closer to both of them.”
“You’ve been Stockholmed,” Bakugo comments, dryly.
“It’s that they’re so open about it, that’s what the issue is,” Momo adds. “It’s cute, but it’s clear that neither of them have dated before, and…”
“Yeah, they’re getting used to it,” Uraraka says. “It’s like they’re in a honeymoon phase right now.”
“Well, honeymoon faster,” Sero grumps. “Kirishima doesn’t even have time to hang out anymore, it’s frustrating.”
“Skill issue,” Bakugo interrupts.
“Deku has also been less frequently available,” Iida says, nodding and pushing his glasses up. “They do spend a lot of time together.”
“Skill issue,” Bakugo repeats, while the rest of Class 3A murmurs in agreement with Iida. Clearly none of these fuckers are as good friends as Bakugo is. He’s still able to find time to talk to both Kirishima and Deku with relative ease.
Aizawa’s head pokes out of his sleeping bag, voice flat. “They keep holding hands during class under the desks, could one of you please tell them to stop?”
Everyone swivels to look at him.
“Sensei, what are you doing here?” Mina asks, scandalized. Bakugo scoffs. Talk about dull senses—any good pro hero should have realized Aizawa was already there. Somehow, the whole room looks shocked.
“I heard there was a support group for victims of their dating, and I’ve never felt more like a victim than the past two weeks whenever I walk into that godforsaken classroom,” he says. “They’re always giggling. I’m two days away from pulling a Van Gogh.”
“I can, uh, pass along the message,” Momo says, and Aizawa nods, curling back up into his corner. “I’ll let them know to be more subtle during class periods.”
But that’s not the issue. Everyone’s missing the point!
So: “Fuck that,” Bakugo juts in, stretching his arms. They’re all missing the real issue at hand. Momo looks at him, eyebrows furrowed, but he barrels on. “That’s not even my problem with it. Sure, I’ve walked in on them too many times, traumatizingly. Sure, Kirishima’s cancelled on me once or twice because he wants to stare into Deku’s kale-colored eyeballs. Whatever. The real problem is that Kirishima’s straight.”
The room goes silent.
It stays silent, for far too long. All of Class 3A—even Kota, what the fuck—is looking at Bakugo like he’s going crazy.
Then Mina pipes up, voice shaky. She’s settled for lying on the floor next to Hagakure, having given up on resting her feet on Sero’s lap. Even so, as she talks, she starts to move into a crouch, so that it’s easier to make a quick break for the stairs.“Bakugo, man, uh, you…actually believe that?”
Of course he does.
“The fuck are you implying, with that tone of voice? I’m telling you, he’s straight.”
“And, uh, how do you know this?” Sero adds.
“Have you not seen him???”
“Oh, we have,” Momo buts in. “I’m pretty sure that’s why we’re asking.”
Bakugo frowns, pinching the bridge of his nose. “What the fuck, guys, I can name at least of his five fashion choices that scream hetero. I’m pretty sure I’d know if Kirishima was straight.”
“Respectfully, how the fuck are you ranked second in our class, academically?” Hagakure asks.
Aoyama frowns. “Bakugo, oui, oui, you’re missing the point. C’est not that Kirishima is too straight, non, the point is that Kirishima is too gay.”
Too gay??? It’s clear that Aoyama has never met a gay guy in his life.
And, because Bakugo is a big believer of saying what’s on his mind, he turns to Aoyama, meets his eyes, and says as much. Aoyama laughs in his face.
“This is a serious issue!” he protests. “Deku’s going to have his heart broken by a straight guy! And Kirishima’s going to come to me when he realizes he’s straight and they need to break up because of it! And then it’ll be horribly awkward between the two of them, and I refuse to be involved!”
“Oh, Bakugo,” Kaminari says empathetically.
“Don’t ’Oh, Bakugo’ me, shithead.”
“Oh, problem child,” Aizawa mutters from his corner.
“What the fuck, sensei?” Bakugo demands, standing up and turning on his heel, violently. “That’s it, nevermind, I’m done.”
“It’s okay if you’re just jealous,” Kaminari hoots from the couch.
Fuming, Bakugo doesn’t even look back. Just storms out of the common room and flings himself into his bed, willing himself to sleep.
—
Clearly Bakugo’s subtle hints aren’t doing enough to pierce through Kirishima’s thick skull, because no epiphanies have been reached. It must be his hair, Bakugo decides, protecting his brain from any sort of critical thinking.
So Bakugo does what anyone would do given his situation: he sits down with Kirishima for a talk.
And, look, Bakugo isn’t stupid. So he allows himself to consider, briefly, the possibility that Kirishima isn’t, as their classmates have emphatically argued, straight. It’s just…such a ridiculous thought. Kirishima, gay? Yeah, right.
That’s why he needs to confront the source, subtlety be damned. Kirishima’s his best friend, he’ll talk. And they should talk. This is what Kirishima wanted, anyways, the reason he told Bakugo about their relationship upfront before Bakugo was forced to see it with his own eyes.
It’s the perfect opportunity to practice his reconnaissance skills, seeing as Bakugo has no interest in trying to corner Kirishima one evening in his room, only to have to fling Deku and his conspicuously-bare chest out into the hallway. That would just be awkward. Plus, Bakugo already got in trouble this month for putting dents in the dorm walls (not his fault!!!), so Aizawa would probably yell at him for the damage, his justified homophobia forgotten in favor of, well, more homophobia, seeing that Bakugo himself isn’t straight either.
Which is why Bakugo finds himself stalking Kirishima, eager to find a time where he’s alone, in a private space, with time to spare. Honestly, he already has most of Kirishima’s schedule memorized—they’re friends; it’s the same reason he’ll buy a pack of hairbands for Kirishima when he’s out shopping and sees that they’re on sale. Or even when they’re not on sale.
The issue is, Kirishima’s popular .
Bakugo never realized how many people are always there in the background, even when they’re spending time together, just the two of them, until now. Somehow, Kirishima is friends with everyone. It’s ridiculous.
In the gym in the morning, Kirishima waves hello to every single other person in the building, honest to god. He gets caught up in a 3-minute conversation with Testutestu before going back to spot Bakugo for his squats. Chats with Kendo as she takes a break from her core set. Knows all of the janitorial staff by name. And, what, is Bakugo supposed to just drop the bomb and ask him if he’s straight while Kirishima is busy squatting 375 lbs, surrounded by people he clearly knows super well? No way!
At lunch, they decide to head out to the local convenience store to get food, so Bakugo also gets to pick up ingredients for dinner. Except Mina tags along, because she needs to get nail polish remover, and then, even in the store, they’re surrounded by people. On the way back, Mina runs off to meet up with Hagakure, and right as Bakugo goes to open his mouth and ask Kirishima about his sexuality, they’re stopped by a young girl who’s walking around with her dad.
“Excuse me?” she says, in her obnoxiously-squeaky child voice, holding out a small slip of paper. “Mr. Red Riot, sir, please could I, uh, get an autogwaph?” Her shoes are Red Riot merchandise, Bakugo notices, and well-worn, too. An OG fan, huh. He sneers in approval.
“Of course,” Kirishima says. He hands his bag of food to Bakugo, before crouching down, a huge smile on his face. He ruffles the girl’s hair. “Do you have a pen?”
She looks up at her dad helplessly, who frantically starts patting down his pockets.
Bakugo sighs, plunging his hand into his own pocket. He refuses to say the word ‘heterosexual’ in front of a child this young, in fear of indoctrinating her. So he resigns himself to being helpful, instead, holding their two plastic bags of food and providing basic stationary material.
“Here,” he says, handing Kirishima a sharpie.
“Oh, thanks bro!” he says, taking it and turning back to the girl. “It’s so nice to meet you! What’s your name?”
“Himara…” she says, voice small.
“You don’t sound so sure,” Kirishima says, eyes bright and twinkling.
“Himara,” she says, a little bit more loudly. More confidently.
“Ah, that’s more like it. Himara, I like hearing your confidence.”
It’s the kind of thing Deku would say, too. Both of them—so good at lifting other people up. Making fans (and friends) feel seen.
Himara’s dad smiles down from above. Bakugo can feel his own lips twitching upwards. He got so fucking lucky, being Kirishima’s friend. He stifles the feeling before it can take root. No sappy feelings are allowed during his mission to figure out whether or not Kirishima is straight. Which is ongoing, despite the interruption.
Himara just nods, gazing up at Kirishima’s face in awe as he signs the sheet of paper, taking care as he writes the kanji of her name. Truly, Bakugo has never seen Kirishima’s handwriting look that good. Every time he looks at Kirishima’s schoolwork, it’s indecipherable. He makes a mental note to scold Kirishima at tutoring, for sloppy work. Clearly he’s capable of so much more.
“You know, Himara has a quirk that’s similar to yours,” her dad says, as Kirishima hands the slip of paper back. Kirishima, who was going to stand back up, settles right back into his crouch.
“Yeah?” he says, looking up at the dad, before returning his gaze to the girl. “That’s so cool, what’s your quirk?”
“My teeth,” she says, quietly.
“She’s a little nervous about it,” her dad supplies. “And her classmates tease her sometimes. But seeing you in action has made her so much more comfortable.”
“Oh,” Kirishima says, thoughtful. He doesn’t push the girl to show him, just waits, for a short pause, lets her collect her thoughts. Bakugo watches them, flabbergasted by Kirishima’s ability to read small children.
Then, Himara lets out a small smile, showing Kirishima the front of her teeth—which look especially spiky. Maybe she can grow her teeth? That’s pretty cool, Bakugo thinks.
“We match!” Kirishima exclaims, returning her grin. He turns to Bakugo, raises his eyebrows a little bit, happy. “You know, Himara, I think your quirk is super cool.”
Bakugo feels something in his chest twitch. Maybe he’s about to have a heart attack. He checks his pulse. He’s seen Kirishima at his worst. He knows how long it’s taken for Kirishima to really, properly love himself like he should. Knows that some days, it’s still hard. But seeing him here, now, telling this small child that she’s doing great…
For a moment, all thoughts of uncovering Kirishima’s hidden heterosexuality fly out of Bakugo’s brain. All he cares about is this moment. Watching his best friend make someone believe in themself.
“Really?” she asks, smile extending a little bit. She’s stopped trying to hide her teeth, Bakugo notes.
“Yeah,” Kirishima says. “Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” He taps her forehead, lightly. “The most important thing is that you believe in yourself. I think your teeth look great. Now it’s just up to you.”
“Okay,” she nods, more steadily.
Her dad ruffles her hair. “Alright, Himara, we’ll let the heroes get on with their lunch. Say goodbye!”
“Goodbye, Red Riot,” she says.
“Bye, Himara!” Kirishima replies, before getting to his feet. “Remember—Plus Ultra!”
Bakugo grins at him, as they turn to continue the walk back to the dorm, handing him his bag of food and bumping their shoulders together lightly.
“Man, you’re so good at that,” he says, deciding to save all conversation of heterosexuality for a later time. He’s too appreciative of Kirishima right now to feel comfortable interrogating him about his intentions with Deku. “You totally made her day.”
“It was nothing,” Kirishima says, shrugging off the compliment. “If anything, she made my day better.”
“It wasn’t nothing,” Bakugo corrects. “Fuck that, you just made her ten times more confident in herself, it was remarkable. You’re gonna be such a good pro.”
“Aw, bro,” Kirishima says, wrapping his arm around Bakugo’s shoulder and tousling his hair.
Bakugo shoves him off. It’s hot outside. “Keep your sweaty-ass arms off of me.”
“You have no room to talk when it comes to sweaty arms.” Kirishima frowns. “Your quirk is literally just your hands getting extra sweaty.”
“I don’t know how Deku does it,” Bakugo grumbles, in response. “It’s because he’s fucking neurotic. No sane person would want your hands anywhere near them.”
“That’s not what you say when I’m massaging your shoulders, bro.”
“Okay, shut the fuck up, oh my god,” Bakugo says, shoving his hand into Kirishima’s hair and mussing it up. Kirishima yelps in protest, pushing Bakugo away as he goes to fix it.
It’s in this moment that Bakugo decides he has to approach this whole heterosexuality thing with a little more care than he’s allotted it so far. Because he cares for his best friend. And even though Bakugo can be a callous little gremlin, he tries to reign it in when it matters.
Which means he really needs a one-on-one time to talk.
Tutoring that afternoon features Kaminari running in and out of the room. Apparently, he’s trying a new study strategy that combines his math homework and cardio routine, except he still needs Bakugo’s help for math, and has decided that Bakugo’s tutoring session with Kirishima is the perfect time to bother him about it. Bakugo hadn’t realized that Kaminari knew what cardio was. (Also, Bakugo gets so caught up in insulting Kirishima’s handwriting that he forgets to even bring it up. It’s just so butt ugly, Bakugo doesn’t understand. Whatever.)
Kirishima offhandedly mentions that he and Deku are hanging out that evening, so Bakugo wisely chooses not to knock on Kirishima’s door and interrupt him. Again, he refuses to be found responsible for denting the wall. Again. He just can't do it.
The days continue on like that, heterosexuality becoming a priority that is continually shunted due to Bakugo’s inability to reconnaissance his way into quality time with Kirishima in which he remembers to bring up the thing that he so desperately is trying to figure out.
So he decides to abandon all subtlety, this time for real, and sends Kirishima a message:
bakubro 💪♂️🧨💖[20:03 pm]: We should talk.
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[20:03 pm]: OMG A BAKUBRO TEXT 🚨🚨🚨ALERT THE MASSES
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[20:03 pm]: yeah what’s up!!! so menacing…🫣😳
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[20:04 pm]: let’s find a time when are you free
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[20:04 pm]: i could even talk rn if you want!
bakubro 💪♂️🧨💖[20:07 pm]: Stop doing that every time I text you wtf
bakubro 💪♂️🧨💖[20:07 pm]: Free now. My room?
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[20:07 pm]: OK coming up from the commons i’m On My Way!
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[20:08 pm]: **omw 💪💪💪
In the minutes it takes for Kirishima to get his ass upstairs, Bakugo turns off his lights, sits down in his chair, and makes sure he’s facing away from the door. Mentally, he prepares. Are you straight??!??! No, too aggressive. You’re straight. No, too blunt. Are you straight! No, too cheerful.
Kirishima knocks. “Bro?”
Bakugo doesn’t respond, just lets him open the door.
“Why are the lights off…?” Kirishima mutters, flicking on the switch. That’s his cue. Bakugo swivels around in his chair, giving Kirishima his most menacing face, hands crossed in his laps.
“There you are,” he says.
“Oh, wow,” Kirishima says. “I bet you thought that would be really frightening, huh?” He’s still standing in the doorway—an awkward parallel to the time he showed up and told Bakugo that he and Deku were dating.
Bakugo groans. Not the reaction he was going for. “Great, okay, take a seat, no applause needed.” He stands up, moving to sit on the end of his bed, gesturing to his chair. “I need to ask you something.”
“Sure, what’s up?” Kirishima obliges, sitting down in the chair, and propping his feet up on Bakugo’s bed, bare feet uncomfortably close to Bakugo’s lap.
“Well, first, get your nasty toes away from me, please,” Bakugo says, eyeing them.
“Uh, my toes are not nasty,” Kirishima protests. “I just got a mani-pedi with Mina!” Bakugo rolls his eyes, though he can't help but note the bright red polish. Kirishima takes it as a cue to keep talking. “Also, dude, you’re such a dry texter. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s seriously freaky to receive a message that’s just like ‘come upstairs right now.’ I’m just some guy! Spare my heart!”
“Okay, that’s enough,” Bakugo says. “I have a question.” He pauses, not quite sure how to phrase it.
“Your hesitance is terrifying,” Kirishima stage-whispers. “Do you need me to start guessing? Because I really don’t want to.”
Bakugo waves a hand. “Shut the fuck up, I’m trying to figure out the right words.”
“Okay,” Kirishima says, and shuts up.
Except—Bakugo doesn’t know how to frame the question. Are you straight? What does he even say to cushion that? I’ve been worried about your relationship because I don’t think you like guys but the whole class made fun of me for saying so and… He frowns. I care for you unconditionally, I just need to get your perspective on this thing that’s been bothering me… That’s even worse.
So Bakugo follows his instincts.
“Are you straight?” he blurts, aiming for ‘considerate and confused’ and ending up sounding really fucking concerned.
Kirishima raises his eyebrows, eyes widening. “Sorry, what?”
“I said,” Bakugo grits. “You’re straight, right?" Too aggressive?
Kirishima guffaws. And then he just can’t stop laughing. Bakugo frowns at him, embarrassed, as Kirishima slaps his knee, then curls over, and then falls right off of his fucking chair and rolls around the floor, shaking with laughter. Bakugo just vacuumed his floor. Kirishima’s going to get it dirty again. “Oh my god,” he gasps. “Now I know how you felt when I tried to mention my relationship to you in the shower.”
“It’s a serious question!” Bakugo protests, crossing his arms. He resists the urge to stomp his foot. He feels petulant. There’s nothing wrong with thinking your best friend is straight! There’s totally something wrong with laughing at your friend, though, as he raises real, genuine concerns to you! It’s straightphobic, quite frankly!
Kirishima wipes tears from his eyes, sitting back up, criss-cross on Bakugo’s carpet. “Man, when you said you wanted to talk, this is so not the direction I thought it was going in. Or, not really.”
“Not really?”
Kirishima just waves a hand at him. “I would be offended, just…” He pauses, squints at Bakugo. “Wait, are you straight?”
“You’ve literally heard my comments about Iida Tensei before,” Bakugo says, straightfaced. Or, well, not straightfaced. Monotone.
“Ah, right,” Kirishima says.“How could I forget that time you waxed poetic about his thighs?! Those haikus are seared into my memory…and my nightmares. Right, sorry, I was saying that I’d be offended, but clearly you’re not homophobic, so I’m just amused.”
Bakugo feels a sharp jolt of pride slice through him, the need to defend himself. “You make me feel more homophobic, fuckass. I’m not the biggest homophobe in Class 3A, though, it’s literally Aizawa.”
Kirishima makes a noise that sounds like a fish discovering it can’t breathe out of water. “Aizawa’s gay,” he says.
“What.”
“Respectfully, you have the worst gaydar known to man.”
“Since when is he gay?” Bakugo demands. “He literally told me he was going to slice off his own ears because he couldn’t stand you and Deku!”
Kirishima giggles. “I know, Momo mentioned. He’s married to Mic, though, have you not noticed?”
Bakugo gazes at the paint on his wall, cycling quickly through every single memory he has of Aizawa and Present Mic interacting. The ring Mic wears as a necklace. The fondness in Aizawa’s eyes during that lesson they co-taught that made Bakugo so violently nauseous he had chosen to totally forget about it.
“Oh,” he says.
“Yeah,” Kirishima echoes, amused. “Aw, Bakubro, you’re so…” He stretches out his hands like he wants to squeeze at Bakugo’s face.
“I’m so?”
“Clueless,” Kirishima finishes.
“Today you told me you’d never heard of the quadratic equation before in your life,” Bakugo fires back. “Which I know is bullshit, because I’ve tutored you on it for three years straight.”
Kirishima grins. “Sure, but when it comes to people…To answer your question, no, I’m not straight.”
“Are you sure?”
That sends Kirishima back onto the floor again, laughing in short bursts. Every time he gets a look at Bakugo’s face, he starts cackling again.
“I’m sure,” he says, once he’s settled. “I can’t believe…why the fuck do you think I’m straight?”
Bakugo shrugs. “Your wardrobe. Your obsession with manliness, I don’t know. You just give off straight.”
“I’m literally dating a guy! You’ve watched us make out multiple times!”
“I thought you were just confused!’
Kirishima climbs back into his seat, laughing as he goes. “Part of the manliness thing is about self-confidence,” he explains. “The respect I have for masculinity—which, by the way, the things that I admire aren’t just for guys…they’re the type of characteristics that have made me love myself more, that have made me stronger. The kind of things I think everyone should embody, in some way. Uraraka’s one of the manliest people I know, and she’s also incredibly confident in her femininity.
“The other part, though, is just me being gay. I think men are hot, and I comment on it a ton.” He pauses, blinks up at Bakugo. “Bro, you literally helped me paint my nails rainbow for pride last year, what the fuck.”
“I thought you were just being a great ally!”
Kirishima sighs. “Okay, fine. I can’t believe you still thought I was straight even though I’m dating Izuku, though.”
“The rest of the class laughed at me for it,” Bakugo says, grumpy. “I was just worried for you guys! I didn’t want you to break his heart!”
This makes Kirishima pause. A little more vulnerable. “I would never break his heart,” he says, sharply.
Despite Bakugo’s apparently-terrible gaydar, he can tell when Kirishima is feeling tense. He sounds accusatory. He’s not quite meeting Bakugo’s eyes.
“That’s not what I meant,” Bakugo says.
“What did you mean, then? I’m not…I’m good at people. I would never hurt Izuku on purpose.”
“I know that.”
“Then why did you think I would break his heart?” He fiddles a little bit in his seat, clasping and unclasping his hands.
“I just—” Bakugo frowns. “I care about you guys. Both of you. A lot. And I thought you were straight, stupidly, I see that now, I thought you just didn’t realize. I was worried about you realizing it and hurting him in the process.”
“Huh,” Kirishima says.
“It wasn’t anything about how you would handle a breakup,” Bakugo says, waving his hands back and forth as if to clear his words from the air. “I just didn’t want Deku to be dating a straight guy, I swear.”
Kirishima considers that. “Please, okay. You are such an idiot sometimes.”
“As has been established throughout this conversation,” Bakugo says, wry. “Do I need to apologize?”
“Not for this. For thinking I’m straight, though…that for sure deserves an apology.”
Bakugo heaves a sigh. “I hate apologies.”
“I know,” Kirishima, leaning back in his seat, content. He pulls his phone out of his pocket, flips to the camera. “Whenever you’re ready.”
Bakugo glowers at him. “Seriously?”
“Seriously,” Kirishima says. “Izuku will never believe me when I tell him this story later, I need video proof.”
“Fine.” Kirishima presses the ‘start’ button on the video. “Kirishima, I’m, uh, sorry…for thinking you were straight.” He grits his teeth. “I was wrong.”
Kirishima grins, ending the video and stuffing the phone back in his pocket. “See, that wasn’t too bad, was it?”
Bakugo grimaces. “I feel like I just had four teeth pulled, without anesthetics, by someone with no dentist training."
“Drama queen,” Kirishima replies. “I’m sorry for being grouchy about the whole ‘breaking his heart’ thing. I’m trying to be a good boyfriend, it’s just hard sometimes. Really hard.”
Bakugo hums. “You’re good at it. If you want to talk about the hard stuff, though, I’m here to listen.” He pauses. “Wait, I meant the emotional hard stuff. I don’t need to hear about the rest of it, seriously, don’t involve me.”
Kirishima laughs. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, I want to hear about the things that matter to you.” He shrugs. “And I know Deku really well, so if you want advice, I’m basically a fountain of wisdom.”
“Funny, that’s what Izuku said about you,” Kirishima says. He pitches his voice closer to Deku’s, mimicks his mannerisms. “‘If Bakugo’s ever behaving weirdly, come to me, I basically know everything about him ever and can totally tell you what he’s thinking!’”
“No way he said that,” Bakugo says, alert.
“Yes way,” Kirishima confirms. “He has a whole file on you in his notebooks and everything. I’ve seen it.”
Bakugo blanches. “Please tell me you’re joking.”
Kirishima shrugs, pretending to zip his lips and toss away the key.
“I just can’t win,” Bakugo groans, falling back on his bed, hands on his face.
“Okay,” Kirishima agrees.
There’s a moment of pause, in which Bakugo processes, truly, the fact that Kirishima is (1) gay and (2) dating Deku, who (3) has a whole file on Bakugo’s behavior, which, honestly, he should have expected. Somehow, this is worse than him being straight. He truly has terrible taste in guys, holy shit.
“Alright,” he finally says, sitting back up. “One last thing, then we’ll drop it and forget this ever happened.”
“Sure,” Kirishima says, listening politely.
“This won’t happen, I’m sure, but if you ever break Deku’s heart, I will break you,” Bakugo says. “It’s my duty to say this as his friend.”
Kirishima grins. “Is that all?”
“No,” Bakugo says. “Please pass along a message for me to Deku, too: ‘If you ever break Kirishima’s heart, I will hunt you down and torture you slowly. I will stuff you in the washing machine and watch as you spin around in hopeless little circles. I will make your life miserable. I will jumpscare you every morning and pull your teeth out as you sleep. You will never know peace.’”
“Oh,” Kirishima says. “I don’t know if I can remember all of that.”
Bakugo waves a hand, flopping back down on the bed. “As long as you remember the gist of it, that’s fine. You can make up new torture methods if you forget, just make sure they sound super violent and painful, and list at least 5.”
“Are you sure you can’t just deliver this message yourself?”
“No,” he says, urgently. “Kirishima, he has a file on me. I need to pretend to be nice for at least one more day so that I get to sneak into his room, look through it, and then destroy it.”
“Want help with that?”
“You’ll help?”
“Oh, absolutely,” Kirishima grins. “I’ll help you get your file. Apparently, I’m really good at distracting Izuku.”
“Man, I should have recruited you to help me with my mission of making you realize you were…oh, nevermind,” Bakugo says. Because of course Kirishima couldn’t simultaneously be his partner in crime and the target of said crime—a heterosexual awakening. He sighs. What a life. Kirishima: gay. Who knew?
Well, at least it’ll be useful for something.
“I can distract him tomorrow afternoon,” Kirishima says. “Izuku and I can, uh, hang out in my room. I’ll tell him to bring his notebook, you can grab it from my bag, that way you’re not going through his room. That might cross some ethical lines.”
“Okay, sure,” Bakugo says. “I’ll sacrifice my eyeballs yet again. That’s fine.”
Kirishima laughs. “Hey, I’m sacrificing myself! I’ll keep my phone in my pocket, just text before you knock, and I’ll make sure you don’t have to see too much.”
“Oh, foolproof plan,” Bakugo says, sarcastically. “Your pants just have to stay on the whole time, which they totally will.”
Kirishima flushes. “Show up within the first 10 minutes, then. 16:00 should be good.”
“Okay,” Bakugo agrees.“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but thank god you’re gay.”
Mission “Get Access To Deku’s Creepy-As-Fuck Bakugo File”: BEGIN.
—
class 3(g)A(y) 🔥🔥🔥
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[22:31]: 24x109-834.mov
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[22:31]: guys u gotta see this
Kaminari Fuckface (DNR) [22:31]: NO WAYHSHDHFHGGG
Kaminari Fuckface (DNR) [22:31]: AHAafdhdhf,,, I’M SPEECHLESS
Mina Fucker 🩷[22:32]: is that BAKUGO LMAOOOOO
Uraraka Ochako [22:32]: oh my god Kirishima…how did you get him to apologize…
Kaminari Fuckface (DNR) [22:32]: bro you’re actually the bakubeast whisperer
Deku ❌❌❌❌[22:33]: babe I still can’t believe he thought you were straight!!!!!!
Deku ❌❌❌❌[22:33]: YOU!!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE!!!
Todoroki [22:34]: how do I save videos to my camera roll ?
Tensei’s Younger Brother [22:35]: If you scroll to the video in the main chat, there is a blue save button to the right of Kirishima’s message, Todoroki.
Todoroki [22:35]: thank you.
Sero Stupid [22:36]: I can’t stop rewatching it.
Jirou [22:36]: this is the best thing that has happened to me all day long.
Sero Stupid [22:36]: RIGHT someone needs to send this to Aizawa
Shinsou [22:36]: oh, I showed him already. also I threw out my depression medication. this video alone recalibrated my brain chemistry.
Asui Frog [22:36]: RIBBIT
French Twink [22:37]: EHEHEHEH I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING ✨
bakubro 💪♂️🧨💖[22:37]: .
bakubro 💪♂️🧨💖[22:37]: What the fuck.
Kirishima Eijirou 💪[22:38]: bro it’s past ur bedtime go to sleep
Deku ❌❌❌❌[22:39]: sleep well kacchan!
Deku ❌❌❌❌[22:39]: also fyi I’m the straight one in this relationship.
French Twink [22:40]: LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOUI ✨✨✨
bakubro 💪♂️🧨💖[22:42]: fck u deku I hate this . fghgay disasterr class u allfll can’t even do ur own laundry